Gentlemommy Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 A friend of a friend runs World Children Hosting. Yesterday, through some random coincidences, we got connected with this friend and are considering hosting a child from another country. I am so so excited about the possibility, and the rest of the family is too. We got some of the initial paperwork and as dh and I were looking it over, we were just floored at how easy this seems. Then the skeptic in us starts down the rabbit trail of 'man, with all the human trafficking/corruption, you'd think this would be harder???' I don't know what the norm is in these situations, so I have nothing to compare it to. Basically we fill out some paperwork, get a background check, and we can host a child in two months, for one month. I want to do this so much, it is such an amazing opportunity. i just want to make sure everything is legit. I've read one too many horror stories about corruption in adoption agencies...this is NOT an adoption, the child is not cleared to BE adopted. Some children are, some are from a boarding school for low income families. The children are NOT told they are coming here to be adopted, they are coming for an educational experience. Still, I can not imagine sending my child overseas to a completely unknown family for a month, no matter WHAT experience the agency promised...so I just wonder... To be perfectly fair, (1) This is a personal friend of one of MY best friends. I trust my friend 100%, and have no reason to distrust HER friend, who runs the organization. And (2) I have not spoken with the director yet. This all happened yesterday evening, we are not officially approved at all, we were just 'matched' as a host family, pending the paperwork. I will feel better when we speak on Monday, so it could be that my concerns and questions are unfounded and will be resolved by then. I know that some of you have adopted from out of the country, and I was hoping that perhaps some of you had done something like this and could reassure me? Tell me about your experiences, what type of paperwork you had to fill out, what the process was like? And if it was a positive experience, what sorts of things would be helpful for us to know to make the child feel more comfortable? What sorts of activities would you recommend? If the experience did not work out well, why? Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 I went on an exchange to France for a month when I was thirteen. It was arranged through my school, but I had no contact with the school between arriving and departure. So it doesn't seem strange to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 I went on an exchange to France for a month when I was thirteen. It was arranged through my school, but I had no contact with the school between arriving and departure. So it doesn't seem strange to me. I enjoyed normal family life, plus a few gentle trips. It's exhausting being somewhere strange, particularly if you are speaking a foreign language, so I wouldn't over schedule. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 We've hosted Chinese kids for 2 weeks at a time each summer. it's just like you say. You fill out a bit of paperwork (not even all that much--takes like 10 minutes), they run a background check, and voila, kids arrive and stay in your home. I've also wondered at how parents can just send their kids off to strangers as well. The people who run the organization I go through don't know me at all. I could be a terrible person and they'd never know. With all that said, it's been great having the kids visit and stay with us. We've done it for 3 years now and adore our time with these kids. I still write to all of them every few weeks. Just a little one or two sentence email. What sort of specific questions do you have about hosting? I have to get ready for the day now, but later I'll have time to sit and write. We go all out for the kids, but I know that not everyone does. Also, for our kids, the organization has activities planned for them during the day, some until very late at night, so we only have them a few evenings and weekends. It makes a difference if you have them just for a few evenings and weekends vs all day long all week long. For us, none of this has anything to do with adoption. At all in the slightest. These are kids coming from their families whom they love and there is nothing, absolutely nothing, about adoption involved. And actually, most of the kids I host are incredibly wealthy and wouldn't want to slum it with us more than necessary. Well, just kidding about the slumming it, but the kids we host have parents with Ferrari's and Bentley's. This is an educational enrichment program for wealthy kids from China to practice learning English. Your situation may be different with the types of kid visiting. My dh and I are still shocked at how easy it is to host regarding paperwork, or lack of it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 No matter how upfront the agency is to the children, they can't stop the kids from feeling the way they do- and the way they feel is that they want a family. That would be too much for me to handle- giving a child a glimpse of what 'could be' and then sending the kid back. Their website says some of the kids live in boarding schools or 'in families'- but it seems like all the kids are orphans. Is that so? Spending a month with you would be lovely, and I know the child would love the experience. I don't exactly understand how it's helping the child, though. They talk about 'development plans' for the child but I'm not sure what that is. I'm a bit put off by the $3000 fee you have to pay. Hosting an exchange student usually means you spend money to feed and house the student and pay for entertainment but this seems like a large leap. I'm so sorry to be the lone Debbie Downer to respond. It just seems very different than a typical 'host a student' program and I don't think I could bear to send the child back after the month is over. And maybe that's what they're really hoping. I know they're not an adoption agency but they could certainly be working with one. I want every kid to have a great home, but I feel weird about sending them out to a foreign land like this. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 No matter how upfront the agency is to the children, they can't stop the kids from feeling the way they do- and the way they feel is that they want a family. That would be too much for me to handle- giving a child a glimpse of what 'could be' and then sending the kid back. Their website says some of the kids live in boarding schools or 'in families'- but it seems like all the kids are orphans. Is that so? Spending a month with you would be lovely, and I know the child would love the experience. I don't exactly understand how it's helping the child, though. They talk about 'development plans' for the child but I'm not sure what that is. I'm a bit put off by the $3000 fee you have to pay. Hosting an exchange student usually means you spend money to feed and house the student and pay for entertainment but this seems like a large leap. I'm so sorry to be the lone Debbie Downer to respond. It just seems very different than a typical 'host a student' program and I don't think I could bear to send the child back after the month is over. And maybe that's what they're really hoping. I know they're not an adoption agency but they could certainly be working with one. I want every kid to have a great home, but I feel weird about sending them out to a foreign land like this. OooOooo! This is VERY different from the program I use. We don't spent a cent of our own money to do this. They give us a tiny stipend for food in fact. I haven't gone to the website, but if the quote above is true, then I understand why you're asking about adoption. This is a different ball of wax. After having the kids stay with us for 2 weeks, we fall in love with them. I mean, we really fall in love with them. If I knew they were sad and had no parents back home, I would be miserable sending them back. As it is, we miss the kids terribly, but we know they are going back to their loving families, so it makes it easier. You could try doing this, but I would have a ton of questions for the director you're going to meet. I would want to know the impact this has on kids who go back to a boarding school without a family after staying with you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kimberly in IN Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 No matter how upfront the agency is to the children, they can't stop the kids from feeling the way they do- and the way they feel is that they want a family. That would be too much for me to handle- giving a child a glimpse of what 'could be' and then sending the kid back. Their website says some of the kids live in boarding schools or 'in families'- but it seems like all the kids are orphans. Is that so? Spending a month with you would be lovely, and I know the child would love the experience. I don't exactly understand how it's helping the child, though. They talk about 'development plans' for the child but I'm not sure what that is. I'm a bit put off by the $3000 fee you have to pay. Hosting an exchange student usually means you spend money to feed and house the student and pay for entertainment but this seems like a large leap. I'm so sorry to be the lone Debbie Downer to respond. It just seems very different than a typical 'host a student' program and I don't think I could bear to send the child back after the month is over. And maybe that's what they're really hoping. I know they're not an adoption agency but they could certainly be working with one. I want every kid to have a great home, but I feel weird about sending them out to a foreign land like this. :iagree: The agency's website reminded me of some adoption agencies who host time in the US with the hope/plan of finding adoptive homes for the children. This agency's website made me think some adoption agencies outsource the arranging of the host families for children. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink and Green Mom Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 :iagree: The agency's website reminded me of some adoption agencies who host time in the US with the hope/plan of finding adoptive homes for the children. This agency's website made me think some adoption agencies outsource the arranging of the host families for children. My children were adopted from overseas (a former Soviet republic, not Ukraine). I agree with your assessment. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkyandtheBrains. Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 We've hosted students before, and I've been an exchange student twice before. We have never paid to host. The program we currently host through (4H) requires a background check for all adults and teens before we can host. It doesn't cost us anything though. We do pay for food or activities while they are staying with us. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 It sounds to me like it could be a good opportunity if you ARE thinking you might want to adopt--a chance to meet the children without adoption pressure and a possibility, perhaps that adoption might come from it with these kids or some other ones who actually are adoptable. I think having a child come and get an experience with a potential adopting family would be easier than meeting at an orphanage and having a short, not very realistic as to home life, time to get to know each other. The money part, if true, does not bother me as much as it might since I assume that someone has to pay costs for such a program. Usually children doing exchange programs abroad are wealthy and presumably their families can pay. Or it is through a school or college, or other program that can pay. But if these are orphans then I guess there is no one to pay other than the people who want to be hosts. Incidentally, at least in my area of USA there are a lot of children locally who need help in various ways that are probably similar to what these Ukrainian children need, and adult mentors and mentor families are being sought to help the children with their development. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 We hosted once. It was a disaster because the 13 yo Chinese girl was poorly behaved. Most have a great experience. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matryoshka Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 I'm a bit put off by the $3000 fee you have to pay. Hosting an exchange student usually means you spend money to feed and house the student and pay for entertainment but this seems like a large leap. Wait, what? I've searched this thread up and down, and can't find where anyone but you refers to this $3000 fee - did the OP post it and then delete this info? We have hosted kids many times, and it has always been a great experience. But these are middle-class kids with families of their own who pay their own way to get here. I have often not had to give much of any info. One student from Spain was already in the country with no place to stay. I had to send pics of my house and show I had an empty bed for her and didn't live in squalor. That was about it. Then we picked her up. We hosted another girl for a whole school year - we did correspond more, but that was on our own; she actually applied privately through our school. Am i understanding correctly that rather than a typical exchange of middle-class families, this is for disadvantaged kids in orphanages or gov't sponsored boarding school? So they don't have families to pay their way or something? I'd feel very odd about paying to host someone (beyond giving them free room and board - that's standard). I have never paid, I have never been paid (there are programs that pay the host family a stipend - I think those kids tend to be from rich families). Paying money to host a student is very atypical. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storygirl Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 I think there must have been some information removed, because some of you are referring to things that I don't see in the thread. I do know that some adoption organizations operate by bringing children to the US for a period of time and placing them with families. The hope is that the children will be adopted, although there is no adoption commitment made ahead of time by the host families. I'm trying to think about this from the child's point of view. I'd be wary. Unless they are very small, they are likely to suspect that they are kind of auditioning for adoption, and I think it could be very traumatic for those who are not chosen to stay with their host families forever. If this is the kind of organization that it is, I would not participate unless I were interested in the possibility of adoption, and then I would research carefully before committing. We adopted internationally four times. It is a long, grueling process involving more paperwork than you have ever done for anything else in your life. An adoption agency that operates this way -- just doing a quick background check and then placing children with families that they hope would fall in love with them and want to keep them -- may be setting some of the children and families up for a heartbreaking disappointment if things don't work out. I think you mentioned that you are not interested in adoption. Then I would not participate if I were you. Just my two cents. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink and Green Mom Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 OP, as I stated earlier, my kids are adopted from that area of the world. "Boarding school" is often a euphemism for an orphanage for school aged children. It may not mean what we are used to it meaning here in the US. A particular child not being "cleared" for adoption does not mean the child is not an orphan. In my kids home country, any blood relative can visit a child and that child is ineligible for adoption for one year. Most kids (more than half) in the baby house had an elderly relative - who had no intention of caring for the child - visit on the child's birthday each year so that they couldn't be adopted. Please do not assume a child being unavailable for adoption means they are in a home or family environment with parents who love and care for them. Anyone adopting an "older child" (which in adoption circles means anyone not an infant) has done a ton of research on institutional behaviors and childhood trauma. In my kids home country kids older than 4 are moved from the traditional "baby house" orphanage and placed in a dormitory-like setting with very little adult supervision. Children as young as 4 live with children as old as 18. Many of these children have been victimized. Most (if not all) of them have been scarred in some way. I would spend hours researching these realties before even entertaining the idea of hosting a child. Knowing what I know, I would be sure to get answers about the following: -what exactly is the living environment of these kids -how much training will you get about institutional behaviors -how much training will you get about fetal alcohol syndrome and behavioral issues -what are the parameters for ages of these children vis-a-vis the ages of your own children (I would never agree to host a child older than my own, and only would host one much, MUCH younger) -what happens if the child you host acts out sexually? violently? steals from you? what sort of support will the agency provide? If I may be honest, I would not do this. These children know the drill. They know there is a potential for adoption. The saddest thing I ever witnessed was visiting my son in his orphanage and having 10 kids, aged 2-4, standing in the doorway screaming "mama!!! papa!!!! me! me! me!", while pushing each other out of the way, and putting up their little arms to be picked up and "chosen" when my husband and I walked into the visiting room. They understand that some will be chosen, and some will not. If you are not interested in adopting, I would skip this particular program and look for one more like others have used (where the children are specifically being sent by their own families). 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 The nearly $3000 fee information comes from the agency's website. I had to look through the website for a bit to find it. I'm guessing that the $3000 is intended to pay the child's travel expenses and agency operating costs, possibly a fee/financial support for the child's boarding school or orphanage. OP, if you're looking into adoption and feel this program might be a way to familiarize yourself with some of the issues faced by these particular children, without committing to an adoption right now, it might be worth looking into. I think you'd have to have a lot of compassion, emotional stamina, and enough financial resources that this visit would not constitute any kind of hardship. You'd also want to be certain that this agency does not have a hidden agenda, or even a semi-hidden one. If they say they want to provide a lovely short-term family and cultural experience for these children who might not otherwise be able to participate, great; however, the way that issue of adoptable/not adoptable children is addressed leave me a bit skeptical. If you're interested in an international experience, you might be better off looking into a more traditional hosting experience, in which the student is clear that they are visiting for a cultural and language experience. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 Wait, what? I've searched this thread up and down, and can't find where anyone but you refers to this $3000 fee - did the OP post it and then delete this info? Sorry I didn't make it clear that I found that info on their website. I'd never heard of the organization so I wanted to learn about them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gentlemommy Posted November 2, 2015 Author Share Posted November 2, 2015 Thank you all for your replies. I'll admit, it was hard reading them, despite trying not to get my hopes up, well they are...my heart is already breaking for the children in orphanages. 💔 Yes, with this agency, there is a hosting fee of $3k. I assume that covers travel expenses and chaperone fees, and paperwork. The reason host families pay this is because the children in the program are not from middle class families, they are from orphanages, or 'boarding schools', which I know now are the same thing. They state they are NOT an adoption agency, however will try to obtain information on a particular child should the host family show an interest. As much as I'd love to adopt, my husband is not on board and we both need to be 100% sure to take that step. my main concerns are making sure this is completely ethical, and that the children do not come thinking this is a placement or possible placement. Just thinking a child would feel they were auditioning for us makes me sick. I want no part of that. 💔 My second (and just as important) concern is the safety of my own children. With regards to living with an institutionalized child and all that that entails and with 'someone' out there knowing where we live, with pictures of our home and children. That is really scary. Maybe it is an unfounded fear, but there it is. I know if we were to ever adopt, the agencies would know all the details of our life, but for now, I'm uncomfortable with it. I spent the evening crying, not only for this particular child, but for all the children in institutions. It's not fair. My heart is breaking and it feels like such a huge huge problem we can't even begin to scratch the surface of. I'm undecided about what to do at this point. I'm waiting for a call from the director and hoping that speaking with her will answer my questions and give me a clear picture of what their goals are. Problem is, I already have this child's picture and name and 💔💔💔 I really need prayers/thoughts that my heart lets my head make the rational decisions here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Already having this child's picture and name must be making it so hard for you. Maybe it'll work out - I hope so! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink and Green Mom Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Thank you all for your replies. I'll admit, it was hard reading them, despite trying not to get my hopes up, well they are...my heart is already breaking for the children in orphanages. 💔 Yes, with this agency, there is a hosting fee of $3k. I assume that covers travel expenses and chaperone fees, and paperwork. The reason host families pay this is because the children in the program are not from middle class families, they are from orphanages, or 'boarding schools', which I know now are the same thing. They state they are NOT an adoption agency, however will try to obtain information on a particular child should the host family show an interest. As much as I'd love to adopt, my husband is not on board and we both need to be 100% sure to take that step. my main concerns are making sure this is completely ethical, and that the children do not come thinking this is a placement or possible placement. Just thinking a child would feel they were auditioning for us makes me sick. I want no part of that. 💔 My second (and just as important) concern is the safety of my own children. With regards to living with an institutionalized child and all that that entails and with 'someone' out there knowing where we live, with pictures of our home and children. That is really scary. Maybe it is an unfounded fear, but there it is. I know if we were to ever adopt, the agencies would know all the details of our life, but for now, I'm uncomfortable with it. I spent the evening crying, not only for this particular child, but for all the children in institutions. It's not fair. My heart is breaking and it feels like such a huge huge problem we can't even begin to scratch the surface of. I'm undecided about what to do at this point. I'm waiting for a call from the director and hoping that speaking with her will answer my questions and give me a clear picture of what their goals are. Problem is, I already have this child's picture and name and 💔💔💔 I really need prayers/thoughts that my heart lets my head make the rational decisions here. I'm so sorry you are going through this, Gentlemommy. It is hard to see those faces and know the stories and feel so powerless. I will admit that I looked at those pictures on the company's website and facebook page and thought "if only....". Many hugs to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gentlemommy Posted November 2, 2015 Author Share Posted November 2, 2015 I am putting the brakes on this. I am not comfortable with the articles I am reading online. After googling hosting child ethics, I just can not go through with it. I am devastated and I know my kids will be as well, they were so looking forward to hosting. I am still holding out hope that some day my dh will be fully on board with adoption. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmseB Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 You could still host an international student if you wanted. It's not the same thing at all, but there is a college near us that has a summer exchange program and we hosted a kid from Asia who had never been to the states before. It was slightly out of my comfort zone as very little English was known, but the programmed aspect of this made it much easier (the school kept them busy with a lot of activities) and my kids LOVED it. He was great with the kids too, I think because he felt more comfortable trying his English with them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 I am putting the brakes on this. I am not comfortable with the articles I am reading online. After googling hosting child ethics, I just can not go through with it. I am devastated and I know my kids will be as well, they were so looking forward to hosting. I am still holding out hope that some day my dh will be fully on board with adoption. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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