Son hates learning

[cindydanleo]

What would you do with a child that hates anything to do with learning? He is 9 years old. He hates all schoolwork whether it is fun or formal. Doesn't care that he is a poor reader, doesnt want to do math, science history etc. Nothing interests him if he thinks it has to do with learning. He LOVES legos but hated the Lego club. He enjoys formal art classes and that is it! I am about to pull my hair out or put him in school. His bad attitude is rubbing off on my 5 year old. I joined a fun co-op which he does with friends and he is taking the classes HE picked out. 2 days in....doesn't want to do it anymore. I am at my wits end with this child. What should I do? FYI...I dont think I am boring and he does not have to trudge through piles of workbooks. We have a good mixture of things. He is on limited TV and video games already. I have told him life can be boring...suck it up! The whining, crying, ignoring and eye rolling is making me nuts. This cant be normal...or no one would homeschool. Please Help!

[Wonder]

Don't have input at this point - boy, that sounds rough, though.  Just curious...has he always been homeschooled?

[albeto.]

If he likes legos, I would try using that as much as possible. Find unit studies and lots and lots of field trips that incorporate the things about legos he likes (mechanics, engineering, physics). Pepper your house with DK and Eyewitness type books, they're visually inviting and very forgiving to the reluctant reader. Get a copy of The New Way Things Work, and illustrated guides like this. Leave them out, let him enjoy them without any strings attached. Resist the temptation to talk about school outside of school hours.

 

I would do this regardless of whatever you decide. 

[Momling]

I used to teach middle school and before that I taught in a juvenile hall. One thing I decided was that I really don't like teaching people who actively don't want to learn. In your place, I would do everything possible to make learning fun, but if I still got constant complaints, I would absolutely send my child to public school. He might learn better and with less stress in an environment where he is one member of a class following directions and where his individual opinions on the task aren't relevant.

Homeschooling is a relationship. If he hates learning, and you aren't having fun teaching either, find an alternative. You can always reevaluate in a year...

[Desert Strawberry]

This is a discipline issue and an attitude issue. I was thinking about posting something similar today. Aries is also 9 and he doesn't like school. Never has. Isn't interested, isn't motivated, only cares about Legos and Minecraft. 

Fortunately, Sagg wasn't completely dissimilar, so I have a plan in place. 

You don't have to like it, but you have to do it anyway. 
 

Life is full of crap you don't want to do. I'm not super excited about making pb&j in a minute, nor am I looking forward to folding laundry after that, but it has to be done, and it's better if it's done with a cheerful heart. Eyerolling, whining, complaining, and defiance are unacceptable responses to normal expectations. 

 

What is working for us here is earned rewards. My boys have to earn all of their screen time. Work must be done in a timely fashion ( I set a timer), diligently, with a good attitude. Dawdling, griping and poor performance earn no screen time or privileges. We make the calendar for each good day and they can cash it in as time allows. 

[cindydanleo]

In answer to responses: he has always been homeschooled excep for a brief stint in preschool. In the past he has never enjoyed school but never put up much fuss until recently. He used to be my easy child...always polite and well behaved. When he turned 9...everything changed.

I am suspicious of an underlying learning delay/disability but if costs a fortune to have that evaluated. Our public school system is not good. There are charter schools that I am considering sending him too if I cant get this worked out...but the testing is done through the PS and I have not heard good things about it.

 

We recently invested in a TV timer which they can earn tokens to watch TV if they do their school well. It worked well for a few days and now my 9 yo has started seaching for my token hiding place and stealing them. Albeto...I have tried fun unit studies, interesting books and such. It has not worked.

[cindydanleo]

Forgive my typos...I was on my phone :)

[Garga]

How long have you homeschooled? What materials do you use? Ask him to rank his curric from best to worst. Ask him if he likes anything. Ask him what his favorite part about school is. He might say he hates it all, or he could surprise you like my kids--they would fuss and whine, but when I asked them point blank what they liked, they realized they like a lot of school. You might not get that answer, but I'm throwing it out there anyway.

 

Ask him what he hates most.

 

What do you think he hates most? What sort of personality do you have? Do you hate confrontation and want to avoid it? Are you willing to be firm? I'm asking because I'm a bit of a bull dog and will somewhat force the issue if necessary, but I have friends who HATE to force issues with their kids. No judging here, just trying to sort out what's going on.

[Heathermomster]

I see that you live in AZ...If you're concerned about a reading disability, call your local Scottish Rite Learning Center and discover whether they provide free or low cost dyslexia screenings.

[prairiewindmomma]

Few children are difficult just to be difficult. Defiant kids are often kids who lack the skills they need to deal with things appropriately--handling frustration, learning to negotiate appropriately, etc.  I would look at the big picture and see what else may be contributing to his dislike of school. The mislabeled child by the Eides might be helpful reading to you---I'd for sure want to rule out sensory, attention, and learning difficulties before just throwing up your hands.

 

Build that relationship with your kid while you are sorting out the academics. Work on helpful life skills---cooking in the kitchen, folding laundry, etc. It's easy enough to listen to audio books while you do that. Is he into Percy Jackson?  Find *something* he is interested in and latch onto that and spend some time exploring that.  I'm not saying that you should just ignore everything else, but it is ok to take a few weeks or months and figure out what is going on.

[cindydanleo]

What kind of doctor do you go to to test for ADD and Sensory issues?

 

I contacted Scottish Rite, thank you for that.

 

I will set all his schoolwork in front of him and ask him what he likes and dislikes. That should be interesting.

 

He does have a problem with self-control. He will do something annoying and wont stop until he turns that person into a screaming raging maniac...(usually his brother) and even then...he keeps at it. He will say he is sorry but I can tell he doesnt mean it. He is just sorry he is now in trouble.

 

Someone asked how long I have homeschooled. I have always homeschooled.

 

I am generally a very passive person and hate confrontation...but these days I am pretty firm. My 5yo asked why I'm always "mean". Uhhh...cause you kids make me crazy.

 

Well thank you all. I will see what comes out of dyslexia testing and such and see what happens. I will let you know.

[EKS]

You can get an ADHD diagnosis from your pediatrician.  An OT can do an evaluation for sensory processing disorder.

[Rosie_0801]

You can do some tests for retained primitive reflexes yourself at home, for sensory stuff.

[MomatHWTK]

ADHD and ASD cause those types of issues here. 

[Reefgazer]

This would be my tactic.  The subtle shift from having screen time removed when there is misbehavior to *no* screen time and earning that screen time is very effective.

This is a discipline issue and an attitude issue. I was thinking about posting something similar today. Aries is also 9 and he doesn't like school. Never has. Isn't interested, isn't motivated, only cares about Legos and Minecraft. 

Fortunately, Sagg wasn't completely dissimilar, so I have a plan in place. 

You don't have to like it, but you have to do it anyway. 
 

Life is full of crap you don't want to do. I'm not super excited about making pb&j in a minute, nor am I looking forward to folding laundry after that, but it has to be done, and it's better if it's done with a cheerful heart. Eyerolling, whining, complaining, and defiance are unacceptable responses to normal expectations. 

 

What is working for us here is earned rewards. My boys have to earn all of their screen time. Work must be done in a timely fashion ( I set a timer), diligently, with a good attitude. Dawdling, griping and poor performance earn no screen time or privileges. We make the calendar for each good day and they can cash it in as time allows. 

 

[Desert Strawberry]

This would be my tactic.  The subtle shift from having screen time removed when there is misbehavior to *no* screen time and earning that screen time is very effective.

Yes. I much prefer to give them to take away. Giving a reward is so much happier than giving a punishment. Aries has is very sensitive to that. 

 

It's also not just limited to screen time. It's everything. He wanted to go to an event at the library this afternoon. You'd best believe his work was done quickly and without my asking, because he knew he had to get it done if he wanted to go somewhere. 

[IsabelC]

No idea if this is relevant to you, but my children seem to go through periods when they complain just out of habit, until I put my foot down and insist on "happy hearts". It's sort of like a dog who feels obliged to bark at cars! One day when they had been whinging about their chores, I sat them all down, talked about my thoughts on chores and why we have the expectations that we do. Then I asked each of them what they thought would be the ideal type and amount of work around the home that children ought to do. To my utter astonishment, all three of them declared that the way we do things is exactly right! 

 

I don't know how analytical your 9yo is, but I would second the suggestion that you try going through everything with your son and try to find out what exactly, if anything, is bothering him so much. You might find he has an attitude problem, AKA a quite natural desire to avoid work that he doesn't view as necessary. But OTOH you might find some really useful information that will help you tweak his learning program.

 

I would also suggest that you limit time spent on 'school' and work to ensure that you get some non confrontational time with him every day. I know that some parents advocate not allowing the child to do *anything* fun if the desired amount of 'school' hasn't been done, but I think that if every bit of interaction you have is a  struggle where you are forcing him to do things he doesn't want to do, that is going to seriously undermine your relationship and make him less willing to accept the apprentice/disciple type role in relation to you.

[City Mouse]

My guess would be that the fact that he is a poor reader is a big factor. He knows he has trouble with reading, and by 9yrs old, kids are expected to read for every subject. My suggestion would be to stop having him do tasks that require reading and writing for a short period. Do content subjects orally, use videos, hands on, but don't expect much output.

At the same time, persue the possibility of some special needs maybe ADHD and/or leaving disabilities. Talk to his doctor as others have suggested. Have his vision checked. Give him the Barton pre-test that can be found online. If you can't afford private testing, then do ask for it at your local public school. Many people have had less than desirable results, but it is better than nothing in most cases.

[PeterPan]

Yeah, if he has undiagnosed learning disabilities or SN, you have your answer.  My very ADHD dd16 doesn't like school, in the sense that she's uber creative, has projects of her own, and finds school work to get in the way.  You mentioned your ds is into art.  He may be drawn to it for self-regulation, sensory, or just processing what he's feeling as well.  I just think that's a really curious thing and I'd encourage you to give him time for it, a LOT more time.  It could be good and healing on a lot of levels.  What I would do, in that situation, is read aloud to him the subjects for the day while he does his art.  Don't even make him to do school.  Let him do his passion, and oh btw get done your science, history, read-alouds, etc.  Then, all that would remain is maybe 1-1 1/2 hours a day of formal stuff.  That's where you pull the structure (which helps ADHD, ASD, most SN) and say you know, I want you to have the whole rest of the day for your pursuits.  Can you give me one hour each day where you work on these things? 

 

In that time you'd do math, some really concise LA.  I wouldn't even go super tight on the LA then, kwim?  Like I would get sneaky and think about how you can tackle your LA goals (since of course they can suck up endless amounts of time) other ways.  Like if you go oh, btw, this is the age start learning typing, and you have him work on typing 20 minutes every day in the afternoon, hello that's spelling, punctuation, etc.  If he is having reading problems, Talking Fingers is the typing program you want.  Then you're doing two things.  And if you have game time every day after typing and just *happen* to pick games that build working memory and work on reading skills or social skills, all the better.  

 

But really, I'd give a LOT of time to that art if it's a big deal for him.  It may be doing good things for him.  Art is sensory, it's a way to process.  My dd sculpted for hours and hours every day up into her teens.  Seriously.  It was a HUGE deal to her, very important.  She did some sewing then but mostly sculpting.  I think, and this is just me, that it was her brain trying to figure out all the spatial stuff.  She had some visual processing issues that we didn't know about until we took her to a developmental optometrist at 10/11.  Turned out she had no true depth perception and all sorts of glitches.  I think the art was calling to her because it was her brain creating its own therapy.  There's even a form of treatment for dyslexia that involves claying.  Art IS therapy and he may need it.  I would do it, and do it a LOT more, if it's calling to him.  If you want to work on self-regulation, emotions, all these things, go at them through the art if that's his thing.  History, hello art history.  

 

It sounds like you're finding a way to connect for evals, and that's fabulous.  This is the age when things blow up, when people hit walls and realize they know their kids want to do better but that it's not working.  There's also a book that might help you: The Explosive Child.  I'm not saying your dc is explosive, but it's a very helpful book on problem-solving when you know something is going on and the child says he wants to do better but can't.

[pehp]

Checking into learning issues and special needs would be first on my radar.

 

Second would be eliminating all screen time and doing many outdoor activities each day, and lots of art stuff (the stuff he likes!).  I'd also encourage him to help me with yardwork and chores, but in a friendly "you are so awesome, thank you" way, not in a "get in here and get this done" way (I know I tend to the latter and have to work to be the former ;)).

 

 After a month or so of hitting the 'reset' button in terms of his free time, then I would introduce some academic-y stuff again.