Merry Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Well, here is a sticky situation with a friend of my 13 year old son. They have been friends since they were eight years old. Their friendship is a beautiful thing. Her mom is a very nice person and a good friend. Well, since my husband died about a year and half ago, my son has been having sleep issues and has had a couple of panic attacks. His friend knows this. So since she knows this, she confides in him because he would understand how she feels based on his own experiences. She has started having severe insomnia and panic attacks for some reason that I don't understand. So lately she has been calling him during the night while she is unable to sleep and even calls him sometimes when she is having panic attacks. My son said that her family knows that she can't sleep. But she won't go to her parents during the night. I had noticed that my son had been having worse sleep issues than normal and I got this out of him yesterday. He doesn't want me to tell her parents that she calls him. He wants to keep on helping her. I have made my decision already to take away his phone and tablet at night and also I am going to talk to him about his responsibility to take care of himself and about his responsibility to let me be the parent and teacher to him during the day. I can't be a good teacher if he keeps dozing off during the lessons. I also will tell him that she does have parents and the pastor to talk to. But now I am uncertain as to whether I should tell her mom that she has been calling my son during the night and that she is talking to him instead of her own parents. Or should I just let it go and hope that she will turn to her parents or pastor for help during the night? I am worried that she might get more emotionally unbalanced and harm herself in some way. What do you think? I have no experience with panic attacks or severe insomnia except for the two months after my husband died. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 If they've been friends for five years AND you are friends with mom, I'd gently dance around the issue and see where it goes...encouraging mom to help daughter get the help she needs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 I think separating your son from his phone at night is good to help him sleep. You should have him tell her he won't have his phone at night anymore so she won't take it personally. I encourage you to look into trauma and panic - anxiety and panic don't need a "good reason". I would not tell the parents she has been calling him. Out of respect for his wishes and her teen privacy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 If you are friends with the family, I certainly think you should talk to the parents. A girl did this with my son when they were both about 15 years old, and I was unaware of the extent of what was going on until I read his texts. It was unbelievable the amount of self-disclosure this girls was doing on texting...and my son was NOT the right depository for that info. Nothing at all wrong with my son--it's just that it wasn't appropriate (and it wasn't sexual in nature...just TMI). She would text him 30 multi-screen texts all about her feeeeelings to his one, and his ONE would be like 3 words long..."sounds tough. sorry." That sort of thing. CLEARLY not interested, but not knowing how to get things set upright... WELL, it wasn't more than another week when I ran into the girl's mom at some social event and she asked me how my son was doing with the breakup. Color me confused. BREAKUP? Oh yeah. Her daughter and my son had "broken up" and her daughter was recovering from the "deep grief of the loss of her boyfriend." ?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Seriously??? These two had never been alone in a room. They had seen each other in person at precisely three social events, and those were big group events and they were always with the group. It was a complete disconnect between what was really going on and what she imagined. I sort of stumbled through THAT conversation...but it has made for a certain amount of awkwardness from time to time in the mom relationship. At any rate, had I known what was going on sooner, and had I talked to the mom, she might have been able to get more involved in her daughter's life and get things set on Planet Reality. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 If the case were reversed, and your 13-year-old son was calling a friend late at night....wouldn't you want to be told? If the other kid's parents knew of it - wouldn't you expect them to tell you? The girl can not blame your son if you answer her texts etc. because it is late and you had your son's phone. She can not expect you to not tell her folks. Her folks need to know what is going on with their child. Anytime a child is in trouble, we parents have to let each other know. Tell the kids it is part of the Parent Contract we adults commit to when we become parents. If you like, offer to the girl to go with her to talk to her folks. Make sure she knows you are a concerned parent, and that is the situation were reversed, you'd hope she or her folks would tell YOU. Good luck! PS = 13 years old is too young to be responsible for another person's mental health. You have to step in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Absolutely I'd talk to the mom. You are good friends, and it's not like you are "tattling" on a teen's bad behavior -- you are sharing some insight into a struggle that they surely would want to help her with. For me, it's a clear "do unto others" thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 First, I'd take the phone & text the girl & tell her I'm sorry she's been having a hard time, but that ds's phone is going to be turned off at night now & that she needs to tell her mom about her problems. I'd give her 24h to do it.Then I'd follow up with the mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmtzc2009 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 I would allow your son the chance to tell her that he can't get texts/calls after a certain hour. If the young lady continues to call or text after that, yes, I'd tell her mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jasperstone Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Oh, that's a hard one!!!! I can see both sides. Thats why I have* liked* opposite views. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 I agree that 13 years old is too young to be relied upon to provide that kind of support. Heck, 13 is too young to be texting in the middle of the night. If my young teen was on their phone that late, I would want to know about it, even if it didn't have anything to do with mental health issues. The fact that there are mental health issues in the mix, the parent should absolutely know about it. I don't get how respecting privacy comes into play here. These aren't adults. My plan would be to 1) have my son text her telling her that he will not have his phone after a certain time and that she should turn to her parents for help at that hour. 2) Keep that phone at night. 3) The first time she texts in the middle of the night, text her back telling her that it is you, the mom, and that she needs to go to her parents. 4) tell the parents what is going on. ETA: glaring spelling mistake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 If the case were reversed, and your 13-year-old son was calling a friend late at night....wouldn't you want to be told? If the other kid's parents knew of it - wouldn't you expect them to tell you? The girl can not blame your son if you answer her texts etc. because it is late and you had your son's phone. She can not expect you to not tell her folks. Her folks need to know what is going on with their child. Anytime a child is in trouble, we parents have to let each other know. Tell the kids it is part of the Parent Contract we adults commit to when we become parents. If you like, offer to the girl to go with her to talk to her folks. Make sure she knows you are a concerned parent, and that is the situation were reversed, you'd hope she or her folks would tell YOU. Good luck! PS = 13 years old is too young to be responsible for another person's mental health. You have to step in. Like x 1,000,000. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Artichoke Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 I think separating your son from his phone at night is good to help him sleep. You should have him tell her he won't have his phone at night anymore so she won't take it personally. I encourage you to look into trauma and panic - anxiety and panic don't need a "good reason". I would not tell the parents she has been calling him. Out of respect for his wishes and her teen privacy. I agree with the first two points but not the third. Our teens still need guidance and something this serious needs to be known by a parent. I try to always ask myself, "Would I want to know?" when dealing with my teens and their friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenrae Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 If the case were reversed, and your 13-year-old son was calling a friend late at night....wouldn't you want to be told? If the other kid's parents knew of it - wouldn't you expect them to tell you? The girl can not blame your son if you answer her texts etc. because it is late and you had your son's phone. She can not expect you to not tell her folks. Her folks need to know what is going on with their child. Anytime a child is in trouble, we parents have to let each other know. Tell the kids it is part of the Parent Contract we adults commit to when we become parents. If you like, offer to the girl to go with her to talk to her folks. Make sure she knows you are a concerned parent, and that is the situation were reversed, you'd hope she or her folks would tell YOU. Good luck! PS = 13 years old is too young to be responsible for another person's mental health. You have to step in. This is what I would do! This young girl needs someone to HELP her go to her parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Do you have a relationship with the girl? Can you have a conversation with her about it? She may need someone to help her go to her parents, whether that be you or your son. Sometimes parents are part of the problem and teens need another safe person to go to. Can you be that person for a while if that is what she needs? Maybe getting some perspective on the problems that are haunting her at night, can help you guide you decision on whether the parents need to be involved or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 My kids aren't allowed any electronics in their rooms at night; iPods and phones are charged downstairs by 9:00 PM. If that won't be sufficient in the future, they'll be in my room. Solves any texting/calling problems after 9:00 PM. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 If you think the family is good, you should tell. She is so young. If you think the parents might be abusive, or they just won't react well, then don't. It is hard to make that leap to speak to other parents when something happens. I recently had to do this. My daughter was definitely abusing her boyfriend and he was very depressed. My husband and I tried talking to him, but nothing was getting better, just worse. In this case, he is an adult so we were not going to go to the parents. In the end, we did. I am glad we did. I think I am glad. The poor young man needed help and we couldn't do it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 I agree with the first two points but not the third. Our teens still need guidance and something this serious needs to be known by a parent. I try to always ask myself, "Would I want to know?" when dealing with my teens and their friends. I think going against my 13 year old's stated wishes and "telling" on the texting 13 year old girl is a straight line to teens not telling parents or other adults about stuff. Anxiety and depression ARE serious. I'd find another way to support, educate, or intervene. The OP wrote: But she won't go to her parents during the night. This does not mean that her parents are unaware of the anxiety and insomnia. **I** would not have gone to my parents at 13 in the middle of the night for this issue - i imagine many 13 year olds wouldn't. I think the risk of betraying trust and a developmental disconnect are considerable here. OP, you might, as I posted, learn more about the impact of trauma (including bereavement) on the brain, and anxiety and insomnia and give your son some articles and resources to share about mindfulness, exercise, nutrition, common thinking errors, to read and share. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Artichoke Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 I think going against my 13 year old's stated wishes and "telling" on the texting 13 year old girl is a straight line to teens not telling parents or other adults about stuff. Anxiety and depression ARE serious. I'd find another way to support, educate, or intervene. The OP wrote: This does not mean that her parents are unaware of the anxiety and insomnia. **I** would not have gone to my parents at 13 in the middle of the night for this issue - i imagine many 13 year olds wouldn't. I think the risk of betraying trust and a developmental disconnect are considerable here. OP, you might, as I posted, learn more about the impact of trauma (including bereavement) on the brain, and anxiety and insomnia and give your son some articles and resources to share about mindfulness, exercise, nutrition, common thinking errors, to read and share. We certainly have opposing viewpoints here. This is probably one of those agreeing to disagree situations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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