I hate parent homework, preschool, I can't do it, I am not creative

[MedicMom]

My four year old just brought home a paper wreath and snowman to decorate and take back to preschool. He has less than no interest in any art project and the reason he is in pre k is to take some stress off me right now. Plus I'm in the middle of morning sickness.

 

I gave them to his two year old sister with some crayons and called it good.

[Elisabet1]

I don't want to bother Elisabet about this, since it's clearly upsetting her. But I will admit to being awfully curious: Is this a common thing? For preschools to actually give parents assignments/projects?  I mean, I know folks sometimes refer to school projects generally as "parent homework," since it's clear the expectations for those projects are not age appropriate for a kid to do on his or her own, but I've never heard of a school actually, outright telling parents to do a craft project like this. 

 

Granted, I've had exactly one child in preschool, and that was 17 years ago. So, I'm not up on the latest in preschool trends. Can those of you who've been there more recently enlighten me?

It is very common. When my 20 yr old was in public kinder, it was way more common. It did not happen in preschool back then, but we could not really afford preschool back then. I addressed it with the teachers back then and was told it was to get the parents more involved. And it was always stupid decorate the cut out shape junk.

 

The last year before I started home schooling, I was sitting there listening to the parents talk about the hundreds of dollars they spend on the project for the next grade level up. It involved power tools and such. My children were gone before the next year. I do not recall now what the next year up project was. 

 

In kinder and 1st grade and 2nd grade though, it is very common for the school to send home some activity that required the parents to do it, and the children could not do it. As they got older and things got in to more things the kids could do, they also got expensive. By high school, every AP class and honor society required some sort of donation that cost between $10-$100 per month. The last year of high school, my daughter was in 6 AP classes and 5 honor societies. I actually had to barely buy for Christmas last year.

 

Now I also have to deal with adult children who are not self sufficient. Even when my daughter went to college interviews, they routinely asked to speak to the parents. I am talking these schools.....Carleton College, St Olaf, Trinity University...and a few others. Media wants to complain about "helicopter" parents but I feel parents are trained all along that they are not allowed to be free and let their children do their own thing. The only college daughter did not get in to, I did not show for the interview. Yep. Pretty pitiful.

[Elisabet1]

My four year old just brought home a paper wreath and snowman to decorate and take back to preschool. He has less than no interest in any art project and the reason he is in pre k is to take some stress off me right now. Plus I'm in the middle of morning sickness.

 

I gave them to his two year old sister with some crayons and called it good.

My husband and I got in to a big fight over it. He got very angry with me and left the room. I laid down. I am not feeling well. I just feel like crying today and I am nauseated and everything. He said some things he should not have said. But when he left the room, he had our 10 yr old do it. Good. So 5 yr old will have something to turn in.

[Jean in Newcastle]

So problem solved.  

[Jenny in Florida]

It is very common. When my 20 yr old was in public kinder, it was way more common. It did not happen in preschool back then, but we could not really afford preschool back then. I addressed it with the teachers back then and was told it was to get the parents more involved. And it was always stupid decorate the cut out shape junk.

 

The last year before I started home schooling, I was sitting there listening to the parents talk about the hundreds of dollars they spend on the project for the next grade level up. It involved power tools and such. My children were gone before the next year. I do not recall now what the next year up project was. 

 

In kinder and 1st grade and 2nd grade though, it is very common for the school to send home some activity that required the parents to do it, and the children could not do it. As they got older and things got in to more things the kids could do, they also got expensive. By high school, every AP class and honor society required some sort of donation that cost between $10-$100 per month. The last year of high school, my daughter was in 6 AP classes and 5 honor societies. I actually had to barely buy for Christmas last year.

 

Now I also have to deal with adult children who are not self sufficient. Even when my daughter went to college interviews, they routinely asked to speak to the parents. I am talking these schools.....Carleton College, St Olaf, Trinity University...and a few others. Media wants to complain about "helicopter" parents but I feel parents are trained all along that they are not allowed to be free and let their children do their own thing. The only college daughter did not get in to, I did not show for the interview. Yep. Pretty pitiful.

 

 

Wow. Neither of my kids went to brick and mortar high schools, but that's not the impression I'm getting from the parents of my son's friends who do have kids in our local schools. I wonder if it's regional, because I know for sure that at least a couple of families we know who have kids in multiple activities and honors classes absolutely couldn't afford what you're describing. One of my son's friends was in marching band all four years, and they did have to fund raise and/or pay for a couple of trips, but the family was allowed to "run a tab" as long as the amount will be paid off before graduation. That effectively gave them four years to pay off two trips, which has been manageable (with help from grandparents). And, in any case, the trips were optional.

 

Nor was I expected to attend college interviews with my son when he went through the application process last year. Faculty members were always pleasant to me when I was around (since a number of his campus visits required travel), but I was never involved in any way. He applied primarily to fairly small liberal arts colleges and was admitted almost everywhere. I wonder what the difference is between his list and the schools to which your daughter applied?

 

I truly don't want to derail your thread, though, or get us off on a tangent discussion. I was just gobsmacked at the idea that preschool teachers would actually explicitly assign homework for parents to do. I mean, I've heard of projects that parents do with their kids, but the idea of telling a parent to do a craft project was absolutely new to me.

[SKL]

I'm remembering the KG worksheets my kids used to bring home.  They always had these "at home" sections on the bottom, stuff for the parent to do with the kid after school (applying concepts to real life stuff).  I never did any of them; I am sure they were not really "expected."  But for parents who want to work with their kids and don't have a lot of ideas, perhaps that was helpful.

 

In preschool, I wouldn't worry about any of that, but in grade school, the kids' grades start to be affected if the parents' involvement isn't exactly perfect.  Not too little, not too much.  In 1st grade, the kids were supposed to design a space suit (oxygen tank and helmet) and bring it to school.  I'm sure all of the kids had some help.  Mine did, but you could tell a kid put it together and decorated it.  My kids told me that one boy got an "F" because the teacher said his dad had helped him too much.  Really?  That was also the teacher who assigned a detailed poster about animal classes, with a very long list of requirements, and then said it had to ALL be the child's OWN work.  The instructions could not even be read by most 1st graders.  Ugh.  I do not miss those years.

[Elisabet1]

Wow. Neither of my kids went to brick and mortar high schools, but that's not the impression I'm getting from the parents of my son's friends who do have kids in our local schools. I wonder if it's regional, because I know for sure that at least a couple of families we know who have kids in multiple activities and honors classes absolutely couldn't afford what you're describing. One of my son's friends was in marching band all four years, and they did have to fund raise and/or pay for a couple of trips, but the family was allowed to "run a tab" as long as the amount will be paid off before graduation. That effectively gave them four years to pay off two trips, which has been manageable (with help from grandparents). And, in any case, the trips were optional.

 

Nor was I expected to attend college interviews with my son when he went through the application process last year. Faculty members were always pleasant to me when I was around (since a number of his campus visits required travel), but I was never involved in any way. He applied primarily to fairly small liberal arts colleges and was admitted almost everywhere. I wonder what the difference is between his list and the schools to which your daughter applied?

 

I truly don't want to derail your thread, though, or get us off on a tangent discussion. I was just gobsmacked at the idea that preschool teachers would actually explicitly assign homework for parents to do. I mean, I've heard of projects that parents do with their kids, but the idea of telling a parent to do a craft project was absolutely new to me.

I have wondered myself if it is just our area, or if it is the times. I have had this fantasy that I could move back to the midwest and the schools would be so great that I could send my children and be happy about it. 

[maize]

If I were really, really annoyed, I might decide to write the teacher's name on the gingerbread person, decorate by sticking pins in, and send it back.

 

A slightly more subtle take would be to use the pins to attach clothes with.

 

(OK, so I wouldn't really do it because I'm not that mean, but I'd have a private laugh thinking about it)

[Tanaqui]

My husband and I got in to a big fight over it. He got very angry with me and left the room. I laid down. I am not feeling well. I just feel like crying today and I am nauseated and everything. He said some things he should not have said. But when he left the room, he had our 10 yr old do it. Good. So 5 yr old will have something to turn in.

 

I wish I could take everything you said here, write it up "anonymously", and mail it in to that teacher. No preschool homework assignment should be causing family fights!

 

(Also? If it's so important to your husband then why didn't he do it? I notice he had the other kid do it.)

 

[Tsuga]

With the decorating the person to look like our child at the beginning of the year, they did specifically say it was for the parents to do to send in and represent the child on the wall all year. This project came home and said we are supposed to do it at home. It did not say the parents specifically, but it seems, as far as I can tell, to be the same thing as at the beginning of the year. This is our third year there and every time this sort of thing happens, the other kids have perfect, well sewn outfits. First year, this one woman ticked me off as she would speak loudly all the time and talk on and on about her nanny doing it. That is just a little side thing.

 

I went ahead and sent an email to the teacher saying I cannot do it, I do not know how to sew, and I am just not that creative. I think I added something in there about the stress of parent home work.

 

I guess that is where I would find a new school. You don't have to pay for that, do you? Where do you live--region--if you don't mind my asking? Because this is just plain nuts and I've never heard of such a thing here.

 

That would stress me out. All I had to do for pre-school was to supply magazines for the child to cut out pictures (had to be the kid and it was obvious that no parents helped in the cutting out because all cut-outs looked equally crappy when pasted on the big letter in the classroom) of things starting with each letter of the alphabet.

 

I thought that was a sensible request--that, and reading 20 minutes to the child.

 

What you're talking about would just piss me off.

 

Maize, rofl.

 

[SquirrellyMama]

My husband and I got in to a big fight over it. He got very angry with me and left the room. I laid down. I am not feeling well. I just feel like crying today and I am nauseated and everything. He said some things he should not have said. But when he left the room, he had our 10 yr old do it. Good. So 5 yr old will have something to turn in.

 

 

I wish I could take everything you said here, write it up "anonymously", and mail it in to that teacher. No preschool homework assignment should be causing family fights!

 

(Also? If it's so important to your husband then why didn't he do it? I notice he had the other kid do it.)

 

:iagree: Husband should have taken over and done it instead of bothering you. I suppose giving to the 10 year old was his taking over, but he could have been nice about it.

 

Kelly

[Elisabet1]

I guess that is where I would find a new school. You don't have to pay for that, do you? Where do you live--region--if you don't mind my asking? Because this is just plain nuts and I've never heard of such a thing here.

 

That would stress me out. All I had to do for pre-school was to supply magazines for the child to cut out pictures (had to be the kid and it was obvious that no parents helped in the cutting out because all cut-outs looked equally crappy when pasted on the big letter in the classroom) of things starting with each letter of the alphabet.

 

I thought that was a sensible request--that, and reading 20 minutes to the child.

 

What you're talking about would just piss me off.

 

Maize, rofl.

 

I suspect the other person who said the teacher probably started the project with good intentions and the parents got out of hand was probably right. I pay for this school. But the public school was far worse. This is only the second time this year. At public school, we had this at least monthly, but easily more often than monthly.

 

The parents here actually somewhat irritate me. It is sort of an expensive preschool, not New York expensive, but expensive for us. But we pay for it because of his special needs. And then these parents, one won't stop talking about her nanny. It comes off like she is bragging or something. They all simply bring gifts for every holiday for the kids (I don't). So my child usually brings home a fair amount of gift bags each holiday. They have huge birthday parties where they all go all out. I know this has nothing to do with the preschool. The preschool is great. I guess it simply attracted the kinds of parents who have the money and time to spend on all this. But I am guessing the person who said the teacher probably did not intend for parents to go all out like they do, is correct. 

[Lisbeth]

Make a punkrock gingerbread man with a tshirt that says something about "parents who do their kids' artwork projects s*ck."  OK, not really. 

This is ridiculous on the part of the school and the parents going along.  Just shake it off and be a rebel!

 

[Elisabet1]

Now I feel very bad and guilty for telling the teacher I could not do it. 

 

I do not feel bad about shutting myself in the bedroom for the day and letting him husband figure out how to run this house that I apparently have not done well enough with. Everyone seems to know I am mad because they are even cleaning. I feel like he is not getting it hard enough. I may need a whole week to get him to realize how much I do.

[SamanthaCarter]

Off topic a bit.....

 

Schools CAN put their foot down. My ds's montessori school laid down the law on birthday celebrations after they got out of hand. Muffins and fruit kabobs only. No pizza or Chik-fil-a and gift bags brought in for the entire class. 

 

Anyway carryon...

 

 

[maize]

Now I feel very bad and guilty for telling the teacher I could not do it. 

 

I do not feel bad about shutting myself in the bedroom for the day and letting him husband figure out how to run this house that I apparently have not done well enough with. Everyone seems to know I am mad because they are even cleaning. I feel like he is not getting it hard enough. I may need a whole week to get him to realize how much I do.

 

Don't feel guilty.

 

I am sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed.

[Tanaqui]

Don't feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. Parent homework is ridiculous. Absolutely absurd.

[Desert Strawberry]

I'm crafty, and I HATE cut out and decorate type projects. I would rather knit a sweater. Honestly. Stop apologizing. This is NOT a failing on your part. At all. 

 

My kid's preschool didn't do this sort of thing, but it does seem to be fairly common. I think the teachers suppose it's a fun little project for mom, even though it's actually a pain in the ass. If I wanted a fun project, I'd come up with one on my own, thank you very much. 

 

Why was your DH mad? Does he think you aren't holding up your end of the deal? Does he generally not support or appreciate your work? Is he impatient when you are emotional or not feeling well? I'd address all of that at a later time, after you are feeling less at your breaking point. 

 

We have a friend who LOVES this kind of thing. She could not WAIT to put her first kid in school so that she could do these things, and the wacky dress up days, and the elaborate birthday parties with hand-crafted everything, and the carefully prepared treat bags for all the kids for every occasion and homemade bath supplies for teachers and on and on and on. I would HATE all of that nonsense. But she lives for it. Good for her. The stuff is adorable. I'm glad that she has the opportunity to enjoy it. treat bags and birthday parties aren't going to last forever, so I hope she's getting her fill now. 

 

[Elisabet1]

I'm crafty, and I HATE cut out and decorate type projects. I would rather knit a sweater. Honestly. Stop apologizing. This is NOT a failing on your part. At all. 

 

My kid's preschool didn't do this sort of thing, but it does seem to be fairly common. I think the teachers suppose it's a fun little project for mom, even though it's actually a pain in the ass. If I wanted a fun project, I'd come up with one on my own, thank you very much. 

 

Why was your DH mad? Does he think you aren't holding up your end of the deal? Does he generally not support or appreciate your work? Is he impatient when you are emotional or not feeling well? I'd address all of that at a later time, after you are feeling less at your breaking point. 

 

We have a friend who LOVES this kind of thing. She could not WAIT to put her first kid in school so that she could do these things, and the wacky dress up days, and the elaborate birthday parties with hand-crafted everything, and the carefully prepared treat bags for all the kids for every occasion and homemade bath supplies for teachers and on and on and on. I would HATE all of that nonsense. But she lives for it. Good for her. The stuff is adorable. I'm glad that she has the opportunity to enjoy it. treat bags and birthday parties aren't going to last forever, so I hope she's getting her fill now. 

I don't know why he is so mad. He is just in a bad mood lately. The house is messy. He moved his office upstairs and he never gets any of his "chores" done. So he is not helping at all. I have lost my ability to bend and I had knee surgery a few years ago so just getting down on my knees and cleaning is not a good idea. He seems to nit pick at everything. He said he would help if I were having trouble with the kids. But every time I go to him, he insults that I cannot handle it. And somehow, in his mind, I do so little. On Friday, we have a Christmas party. He asked what we volunteered to bring. I said cheese ball. I LOVE this cheese ball. I had actually told them I would bring whatever they need, but suggested the cheese ball and they said that would be great. My husband thinks a cheese ball is tacky. So it is just the constant nitpicking he does. But then he thinks I do it. I do all the holiday prep stuff. I do all the Christmas shopping. I clean and maintain every room except the 2 chores he has....washing laundry (not folding) and washing dishes (not putting away). We have a 4000 square foot house. Now, he drags food upstairs to where he has his office and often does not bring it back down. But as far as he can tell, he does everything. He thinks what he does is everything. It is like he cannot see that the trash was taken out, the floors were vacuumed, things were picked up, his clothes were put away, both cars had oil changed, taxes were paid, bills were paid, things were dusted, floors also got swept, and so on and so on. Kids got taught. Presents have been bought. I am tired. And I have not even done Christmas cards yet.

 

Maybe I should not have pointed out that we are paying for college now and we will STILL be paying for college in 20 years, when we are approaching 70. Maybe that is stressing him?

[Tanaqui]

If he thinks a cheese ball is tacky, let him bring something.

 

As far as him thinking he does everything, I'm thinking of that old joke. A man comes home from work, and all the doors are open, the children are running around in their underwear with their hair all messy, one of them has a huge chunk of hair gone. There are toys and clothes all over the floor, and in the kitchen there is a pot on the stove of... something, and sticky stuff on the table, and the milk has gone sour on the counter. The TV is blaring in the background, competing with two different radios. The games are scattered, the cat has been confined under a hamper in the living room, the dog is wearing a diaper on its head. He peeks in the bathroom, the tub is full of toilet paper, the toilet is running, the litterbox has been overturned, and make-up is on every surface.

 

Confused and concerned, he picks his way upstairs to find his wife lying in bed. "Honey! Are you all right?"

 

"Well, yes, dear, why?"

 

"What happened???"

 

"Dear, you know how every day you get home and say you had a hard day at work and you just don't know what I do every day? Well, today I didn't do it."

 

If your husband really thinks he's doing more than 50% of the work, and your description of what goes on is accurate, then what you really need is a nice long break.

 

LOL, you ever watch Wife Swap? Every once in a while they have an egalitarian family swap with a very Traditional Roles family where the wife does everything. And every time the swapped wife makes hubby do all the work for a week when it's time for rules change. And every time, the husband is humbled and chagrined to see how much work it is to keep a home running smoothly. If what you said is accurate and fair, seriously, your husband could use some serious trial-by-fire like you've been having.

 

Seriously, though, if this is a long standing issue and not recent, you can't go wrong with counseling. Go by yourself if he won't come with you. It could help you sort some things out in your head.

 

[AK_Mom4]

No one with a trip to L&D over the weekend gets to call themselves a fail on a preschool project!

 

Hand the preschooler some crayons and tell them to get busy.  Scribbles are totally age appropriate here.  The put your feet up!

[catz]

I would let my kid do it and send it back.  Really, who cares what other people think.  Parenting is not a competitive sport.  If someone was stupid enough to say something, I'd just say creativity isn't my thing and I thought it'd be more fun for kiddo.  I might even through in a snarky remark with a hair toss.

 

Sounds like you're under other stress.  Sorry - feel better soon!  Don't sweat the small stuff and a gingerbread man is definitely small stuff.  :grouphug:   Oh - and homemade cheese balls are yummy and seasonally appropriate.  I've seen them at some very high end parties. 

[Tsuga]

I suspect the other person who said the teacher probably started the project with good intentions and the parents got out of hand was probably right. I pay for this school. But the public school was far worse. This is only the second time this year. At public school, we had this at least monthly, but easily more often than monthly.

 

The parents here actually somewhat irritate me. It is sort of an expensive preschool, not New York expensive, but expensive for us. But we pay for it because of his special needs. And then these parents, one won't stop talking about her nanny. It comes off like she is bragging or something. They all simply bring gifts for every holiday for the kids (I don't). So my child usually brings home a fair amount of gift bags each holiday. They have huge birthday parties where they all go all out. I know this has nothing to do with the preschool. The preschool is great. I guess it simply attracted the kinds of parents who have the money and time to spend on all this. But I am guessing the person who said the teacher probably did not intend for parents to go all out like they do, is correct. 

 

I can see putting up with that for special needs.

 

That is a tough situation. It reminds me of how lucky we are to be in a community in which that just does not happen--most parents work and nobody has a desire (or so it seems) to prove that they have nothing better to do than cut out construction paper.

 

"I think the teachers suppose it's a fun little project for mom,"

 

I feel like I really need to live in a place for a while where this is in any way a realistic or somehow thoughtful consideration of what parents do.

 

Elizabet I am sorry your husband is in a bad mood.

 

 

I may need a whole week to get him to realize how much I do.

 

Nobody gets it until they've done it for a year--parent-teacher conferences, the whole bit.

 

And men will NEVER get it, ever, not any man, because no man has ever, ever been judged like a woman. Normally I am pretty defensive of men who stay home, but in this case they just don't get it and they can't because they cannot identify with what women hear all the time. They don't have a lifetime of that messaging to endure.

 

Because if someone comes over and the kid has a dirty diaper and the toilet is dirty and there's a pile of dishes in the sink and one child is failing math, he still gets ten gold stars because "wow you're a dad and you're so involved!!! [read: not a deadbeat]"

 

Whereas if mom forgets to put the brakes on the stroller ONE TIME, she's a failure. And yes, someone will judge her as a total failure. Maybe not most of us, no, we get it, we don't judge, but someone will say "people like that shouldn't even HAVE kids!!!"

 

And that just gets repeated over and over to women, and it never hits men's ears. They think, "Why not let x, y and z slide?"

 

Because they can. But we cannot.

 

Even my partner who was a single father doesn't really get it. He doesn't get the judgment. He doesn't get the standards, he doesn't get the anxiety, or the pressure. He thinks if he'd have stayed home, it would have been great--he never, ever, ever would have had in his head, "Am I getting off easy? Am I worth it?" Ever. It's frustrating because we are a very egalitarian household but even we have these societal issues to deal with. No way does he get the pressures I face, of what is expected of me (and even his ex-wife) vs. what is expected of him.

 

Even himself, what he expects of himself. True, he might not expect more of me, but he doesn't get that society does.

 

So I don't think he will ever get it but we get it. :grouphug:

[Tsuga]

And one MORE thing--I once saw on a message board really sage advice.

 

Don't talk to yourself  in a way that you wouldn't talk to others. Would you let your kids say they aren't creative? You are creative in your own space. That is good enough. You are not a failure. You have nothing to feel guilty about. If you wouldn't let your kids say it to themselves, don't say it to yourself.

[Tanaqui]

And one MORE thing--I once saw on a message board really sage advice.

 

Don't talk to yourself  in a way that you wouldn't talk to others. Would you let your kids say they aren't creative? You are creative in your own space. That is good enough. You are not a failure. You have nothing to feel guilty about. If you wouldn't let your kids say it to themselves, don't say it to yourself.

 

Like that song.

 

Change the voices in your head. (Pop culture. It teaches us so much.)