Extended family weirdness

[bethben]

My extended family would call themselves "a close family".  We enjoy being around each other and never have "those" holidays where someone gets mad at someone else and all the family drama.  I have 5 siblings along with husbands and nieces and nephews.  Here's the thing - the family revolves around my mom a bit.  The only way I know what is happening to my siblings and their families is from my mom.  It's not from a lack of trying to get in contact with my sisters.  I call, leave messages, leave e-mails and get no response.  Eventually after a bunch of those tries, I give up.  The only way I can actually talk to any of them is if I can figure out a time when they're home and hope they answer the phone.  No- there is no animosity between us - I'm apparently not that important.  I have this fear that when my mom dies, I will completely lose any family connection and I can't seem to do anything about it.  

 

My dh and I need to move to get a better job opportunity for him.  We considered moving closer to my extended family.  We knew we couldn't move to the same state but just across the border which was still a distance away from my mom which seems to be the family hub.  We figured out that even an hour away was still too much to have any relationship with any of my siblings because we wouldn't be convenient.  It was also a place where his job opportunities would be severely limited.   So, we essentially have given up and decided to move over 1000 miles away because it's a place with a lot of job potential for dh and it's an overall nice place to live.  We're not consciously moving to avoid them, but moving because it's good for our immediate family's health and happiness. 

 

I feel like I'm betraying my extended family.  We won't be able to see most of them for the 5-6 hours twice a year like we do now at Christmas and in July.  I am the oldest and moved away from home for the most part when I was 18 to go to college 350 miles away.  I never returned home - not because I needed to be away from them, but only because I had a job opportunity 300 miles away.  I've never lived close to them since I was 18.  I never really got a chance to really know some of my younger siblings only because they were so young when I left.   I love my family and want to be close to them, but what do you do when you try and try to have a relationship with someone and they don't reciprocate at all?  

 

Beth

[Trish]

You just do what feels comfortable for you. I wouldn't move closer based on relationships that seem marginal to begin with. It probably wouldn't make any difference unless you were right in town...and even then it might not matter! Just keep making appropriate contacts -- maybe you can talk to the nieces/nephews if you call at the right time?

 

I'm close to my extended family, but I live far away, so most of them I only see once a year. Otherwise it's just phone calls.

 

How about some friendly regular texts?

[happi duck]

(Hugs)

 

I can, unfortunately, relate.

[JustEm]

Have you talked to them about it? Do they feel the same way? Or might their definition of close just be different than yours. I'm the youngest of 7. We are all pretty close, some closer than others. I'm closest with my sister who is 9 years older than me and lives over 900 miles away. The rest of my siblings all live within 30 minutes of me aside from one brother who is an hour away. I see most of my siblings once a week and hang out with them quite often. But my sister I'm closest with I see twice a year, maybe talk on the phone with once a month, and usually only hear about her news through another person or via Facebook. But it wasn't always that way.

 

 

At times, since she is the one who lives far away she has felt that she isn't close with us. But after talking about it we all discovered it was just her perception of the situation and we all still felt we had a close relationship with her. She viewed the time spent in contact with her as an indicator while I viewed the quality of that time. For example, I may only see her 10 days out of the year but those 10 days are only about her whereas when I see my other siblings I'm usually also doing something on my tablet or planning my school week. We are together but we aren't always focusing our attention on one another.

 

After talking with my sister I made more of an effort to read h put because its what she needed but I never would have thought to do so if she hadn't mentioned it. Now

[LostSurprise]

Have you talked to them about it? Do they feel the same way? Or might their definition of close just be different than yours. 

 

  No- there is no animosity between us - I'm apparently not that important. 

 

 

I think this is part of the problem. You read a lack of return calls as not valuing you, whereas they may not communicate or respond comfortably or easily in that way. It has a lot more to do with style then it does about value. 

 

I feel close to my siblings but I'm not a phone person. I have a phone phobia which is just strong enough to make phone calls uncomfortable. I will unconsciously put them off. I'm also the person who lives 3 hours away. I'm not in the hub. Some of my siblings are easy to reach. Some aren't. When we're physically together there's no barrier. We really enjoy each other and can sit around talking half the night, but day to day stuff is harder. 

 

Do some research, observe, talk to your mom and your other siblings. How do they communicate? Try things. Emailing. Texting. Instagram. Social media. Postcards. Playing video games online together. Planning physical trips. Find something which works. Each person may be different. 

[MinivanMom]

It's been my personal experience that it's very common in large families for information to flow through grandma. It's just so hard to make weekly phone calls to that many siblings, so grandma naturally takes on the role as communicator-in-chief. I am also looking at the ages of your children and thinking that your younger sisters probably have a lot of small children right now. That can be a very busy and stressful period of life. I wouldn't read any animosity into their lack of responsiveness unless there are other reasons to suspect it. It's probably just easier and less stressful to communicate with grandma and assume the information gets out to everyone. I would not move closer to them, because that is unlikely to change the family dynamic. Do what is right for your individual family and continue to do what you can to nurture the relationships at a distance.

 

*Very gently* When your mother passes away, your relationship with your siblings will change. It's inevitable. Without her to communicate and organize, it will fall to the siblings individually to maintain those relationships. Hopefully this event is far, far away in the future at a point in time when you and your siblings will all have quieter lives that make it easier to make time for each other. However, it is very possible that the Christmas and July gatherings will fall away at that point. However, you may have in-laws and grandchildren of your own by then, so it will be natural to want to do your own extended family gathering with your children and grandchildren. You may be ready for that transition when it comes. My mother passed away many years ago, and although I am very close to my surviving siblings, we do not get together for holidays or summer reunions. We have our own families and our own traditions now. It was a natural transition now that we are the oldest generation.

 

Don't borrow trouble by worrying over something that may not happen for many years, and that may not be upsetting to you when it does happen (by that I mean separating from your siblings a little bit; of course you will be upset when your mother passes on). Enjoy the time you have now.

[Elisabet1]

This is something to be grieved.

 

With my extended family, I speak directly. I talk to my cousins, email, and otherwise. I really do not appreciate the whole middle guy thing. It is not a real relationship if I have to call one person to hear about the other person. 

 

My inlaws are this way too. And it is just accepted that no one there must have any interest in us. I feel like having to call one person as a middle person is about the same as gossiping. if someone is not interested enough in a relationship that they will speak directly, then the relationship is dead. It is very hard to accept that a relationship is dead. It is not that you all don't like each other, it is just that the relationship has pretty much become stale.

 

I would recommend not feeding information to your mother to pass on to them. Tell her what you need to tell her. But no longer pass on information for her to pass on. That just continues this cycle. And if no one bothers to call you or whatever else after that, then it just was not meant to be. Honestly, I know it is sad, but, don't allow this little dysfunction to change the course of your marriage and family life.

[maize]

My family is large and scattered, one thing that helps us stay in touch is a family Facebook group; it's about the only thing I do on facebook, but it's a great way to keep up with my siblings and their kids.

 

The group is secret, so no-one else even knows it is there.

[JustEm]

My family is large and scattered, one thing that helps us stay in touch is a family Facebook group; it's about the only thing I do on facebook, but it's a great way to keep up with my siblings and their kids.

 

The group is secret, so no-one else even knows it is there.

We have this too

[bethben]

I think I'm the only one who wants to communicate directly with my siblings. For example, when we're visiting Grandma, I will call up a sister who lives 3 blocks away and try to get together with her kids and mine at a nearby park. She will finish what she is doing and then call back to coordinate through my mom when they can do it. It's hard to work around this weird system.

 

The thing is, when we finally realized after 6 months of trying to move closer (last year) did I even realize how disfunctional everything really is. Even the sister who has no kids says she longs for a closer relationship with my siblings doesn't return my calls. She's an hour from the hub so she's a little on the outs too. So there is this mourning going on when I have finally looked honestly at this situation. I have to give this ideal I've had in my mind for years.

[Rosie_0801]

:grouphug:

[Reefgazer]

What you describe is pretty typical in both mine and my DH's extended family; people are just busy and absorbed in their lives.  My dad's family is this way, too.  It's not dysfunction for us; it's just that we are on good terms, but not super-close.  I talk individually to my brother, who I am pretty tight with.  Move where it is best for your immediate family - that's what we do and it hasn't affected the relationships in our extended family at all; we still don't get in touch with each other, LOL!

[HS Mom in NC]

My husband's family is full of chronically conflict phobic people. They're all also very afraid of unpleasantness of any sort.  For a very long time everything was done through channels (his mother) rather than directly, which is bizarre to people like me who grew up with a very direct family. For example, when my husband was living on his own, his sister in college wanted to move in with him as a roommate because his other roommate had just moved out. So my MIL called and asked him, he said yes,  and then MIL let SIL know it was OK. They never spoke directly about it!?!

Then he married me.  When going through channels started happening I asked the obvious question in a matter of fact tone, "What aren't you talking directly to the person involved in this issue?"  Then he realized how weird it was that they functioned this way and stopped communicating through mommy.

 

So, I think OP, that you're right to try to talk directly to people.  If it were me, and I'm very blunt and direct my most people's standards, the next time mommy calls to talk on sissy's behalf, I would be blunt and honest in a pleasant tone, " Thanks, mom for making the effort, but I'm going to talk to sis directly. Talk to you later, bye." Then I'd call sis directly and if she doesn't pick up I'd leave her message that is pleasant in tone but blunt and direct in content, "Hi! Mom called trying to talk about us getting together at the park, but since it doesn't involve her I'm only going to speak with you about it.  Call me back and let me know when it works out for you."  The only way you have a chance of ending something is to refuse to participate in it anymore.

 

There are times in big families (I have a biological brother, two step-brothers and a recently reunited step-sister, all local) where one person takes on the chore of coordinating a large get together and going over details with everyone.  (Activities and who's bringing what.) Sometimes we women folk, including the SILs, get together for meals and movies.That's best done with one person as a designated coordinator in charge of it all keeping track of who's been contacted already and who needs to be and working out scheduling conflicts with call backs and renegotiations. I've made and used charts at times for this.

But when it comes to sibling to sibling mini get togethers, that's handled directly. My bio brother and I do things together and with our dad.  My bio brother and step-brothers get together to play video games and do other guy stuff. The siblings talk directly to the siblings, not through a parent. You can make the effort to get together with them.  When you have, you've done what you should.  If they choose not respond, that's on them.

 

 

Before you decide to move away from your extended relatives, consider what it will be like when they need part time or full time in home care.  Consider what it's like not having cousin and grandparent relationships for your kids.  Consider how serious illnesses will be handled. 

My mother is an only child.  Her parents needed full time in-home care for about 4 years. Having 4 adult children in town to help her was a big relief. We were all glad strangers in another state weren't caring for them. Consider my 44 year old sister in law with kids ages 9 and 13.  Her first round of cancer (breast cancer) was when the kids were 1 and 4.  This round of what is now stage 4 liver and bone cancer requires someone to take her to day long treatments/appointments on a regular basis while her husband works and someone has to help with the kids. Who will help you if you have a significant or chronic illness? What if they do? I have literally driven from one hospital in town to relieve my mom while my step-dad underwent surgery and then to the other hospital where my FIL had surgery.

[Garga]

Do you contact them in ways other than the phone? How long do you want to talk on the phone? A good many people these days do not talk on the phone. They text or message each other. How old are your siblings? The younger a person is, the more they'll move away from talking on the phone and move toward texting. Talking takes up too much time. Texting/messaging allows you to read the message, do something else or think of your answer, and THEN respond. I hate talking on the phone and having to come up with immediate responses. Texting/messaging is a new fact of life.

 

If you talk too long on the phone and don't use other forms of contact, and if Mom will keep the conversations short, perhaps that's why they go through her.

[bethben]

As far as being close in proximity to my extended family, it can't happen. They live in a state that would bankrupt me and my husband due to the combined high cost of living and total lack of any support for my special needs son. We considered it. My husband was going to apply for a 100k job. After the very high property tax (higher per month than our current mortgage) extra state tax, higher housing costs, and the sheer amount of money my son will need in his near future (we're looking at full time nursing home care costs if we can't take care of him), we would have been living paycheck to paycheck again or worse. We've had a lot of crisis in our lives so far. My mom was able to help. No one else could or did. I don't want to be far away physically, but all of my extended family lives in a place that is detrimental to my immediate family. The cost is too high. Our church friends and neighbors have helped have been the ones to support us when we needed it. My ideal is impossible.

[bethben]

By the way, we don't live close to them now. Even visiting them twice a year is becoming harder and harder.

[Rosie_0801]

Chasing people who won't chase you isn't healthy, and in my experience, it doesn't work anyway. You can try and change tactics to make yourself easier to deal with, but you can't force people to pay positive attention.

 

:grouphug:

[Anne in CA]

I'm sure it is hard for you to come to reality, but reality is that you yourself have said they are dysfunctional and I am just guessing that you are functional, working on becoming more functional. After my MIL's mother died she discovered exactly what lengths her mother had gone to to be the center of the family. MIL's mother had ruined the relationship of each sibling with each other and each sibling with their father. MIL really had a hard time understanding that her sweet little SDA mom was a monster. It is not impossible that your mother is a natural manipulator. MIL rebuilt her relationship with her two brothers and their wives after her mother had been deceased a few years and they all had some time to value family again. Her two brothers would not make up and one died without having a relationship with the other. There was no family drama, no fights, no overt problems, but MIL's mother had told different stories to everyone and it took five years after her death for people to unravel the truth. To this day my dh does not want to hear anything bad about his grandmother, so I can see why these people get away with so much. There are many people who do not want to hear the truth about other people.

 

 

[Farrar]

You know, I don't read it as dysfunctional exactly... I mean, yes, not functional, so in the basic sense of the word, dysfunctional, but there's so much implied with that term that doesn't seem to be here for this. Instead, it seems like you all just need practice. You're all in wagon ruts of how you do things and even knowing that you might want to be closer, it's really difficult to overcome those. They're like bad habits.

 

I would just take these concerns to them. Have you said really clearly how you want to be closer, you want to establish better lines of communication before your mother passes away, because she will eventually, and you don't want to be left without easy communication with them? Maybe think about what you can do to change things... vacation together? Set reunion time somewhere fun? What about sending something from family to family every season? A moving sharing box or something? A shared private blog you all put pictures on once a month? I don't know... just trying to think outside the box a little.

 

And maybe it won't happen and maybe it's just not a priority for them and that sort of sucks. :( But it really sounds like you all love each other and you all never learned to be good adult siblings and develop good habits and maybe you can change that...

[StephanieZ]

Fwiw, of course you can travel 1000 miles once or twice a year. Van. iPads. Gas. 18 hours and you are there. You might even get closer, as your visit would necessarily be more like 4+ days and nights. Give it a try the first major holiday that you can. You might be surprised.

 

Fwiw, a good friend moved 1500 miles away 5 years ago. We both had such busy lives that when she lived in our town, we almost never really spent good time together. When she moved away, we managed to find a way to vacation together at least once a year for a week, and we discovered that we love each other like family. Now we manage one to two weeks a year, and it is wonderful. Moving apart brought us together, ironically. She is one of my dearest friends now, but I barely truly knew her before she moved away. Life is strange.