The boyfriend issue

[Elisabet1]

DD is seeing this really great guy. I mean, I actually really like this guy. He is smart and kind and so on. And he was home schooled via WTM.  She has known him for years but only started seeing him seriously in the last few months. (not the guy she dated previously, these two were just friends until recently).

 

He is headed to college this fall. But he is headed to a college she got in to, but was planning to say no to.

 

Previously, I told her she should never change her college plans based on a guy. But now, I am starting to doubt myself. This boy and my daughter are very conservative. They really are such good fits for each other. So far, all their time together has been more of courtship style. But, I guess they took a walk at a park together, just the two of them today. (I never requested courtship and she was with his family today, so they went off to the park together, he had packed a picnic and took her to the park).

 

This is harsh. I am now doubting my own beliefs and advice. The other college was not her first pick, but they are big enough that if the two broke up, she could move on. The financial aid was not as good as the college she picked, but they still have 2 scholarships in the air.

 

Oh..one horrible thing..one of the scholarships is one he is up for. I don't know how many they are giving out. It is a music scholarship and they both play the same instrument, and if you know music, you know they only need X number of non-major music scholarships.

 

What would your advice be? Should I tell her to stay her course? Or take her back to visit this other school again?

[Starr]

Oh bother!  What does she think?

[rebbyribs]

How far away from his school is her first-choice college?

[abacus2]

I would probably take her back to visit the college she is reconsidering because of this relationship. If it would still be a good choice if the relationship failed, it is worth reconsidering.

[Elisabet1]

The college for him is about 2 hours south of here and her college is about 1 hour north of here.

[Okra]

 

I would let her make her own decision on this.  If she decided to change colleges, that's fine.

 

If she decides to go to her first choice, that's great too!  A solid relationship can stand being 3 hours apart. And, in the future, one or the other could possibly transfer.

 

She really cannot make a wrong choice here, so just support her in whatever decision she makes.

[Catherine]

Um...has she ASKED for any of this advice and to be honest, why are YOU worrying about it.  It is HER life.  You spend so much emotional energy wondering about whether this is right or that or whatever and trying to manage her life so that it will come out just right that you are not allowing HER to determine her own path.  Will she make mistakes?  YES!!!  That is part of how we learn.  Don't spend any more energy trying to decide.  You don't get to.  IF and I do mean IF she asks, then you give her your thoughts and let her decide which path to take.. 
 
That is one thing I am learning as my boys get older.  They are not making the choices I would... that is ok.  I need to worry about my OWN choices in my OWN life.  Many times it was SO much easier to worry about my children's choices and trying to manage their life than to look at the problems in my OWN life....  I'm right there with ya!

I agree. Your daughter sounds like a very mature and thoughtful young woman-she really should decide this herself.

I think the difficulty comes if she asks your advice. I have honestly rarely been asked this type of advice by my own sons, LOL, but I felt the weight of responsibility when I was. Just today in fact I learned that my HS junior is planning to travel to Israel during his gap year. My first internal response was WHA????

Then I remembered his Jewish GF and it all became clear.

Not that non-Jews don't travel there, I know. It's just not a place I can ever imagine him being interested in otherwise. But regardless, it's another one of those situations we experience as parents when we are forced to recognize that we are not the only influences on our children, they are meant to grow beyond our safe home and into a larger world, one where they try things out, make mistakes, learn and grow.

Elizabet1, if the relationship is meant to go on, it will. If not, it won't. Long distance relationships can make it if they are strong. ((hugs)) to you and your daughter. The stakes seem SO high sometimes, don't they?

[Lolly]

As someone who decided on their college based on a guy...let her choose. If she has come to you for advice, tell her they are both good schools and you would be proud for her to attend either one. If you can make the money work for either, let her know that to take that pressure off. Btw, I broke up with said guy during the summer before we started college. I did see him on campus and even went out with him a few times there. I loved my college years, and it was definitely the right choice of school for me despite my reasons for choosing it. The real irony is that the guy I ended up dating and marrying immediately following graduation lived 5 hours from campus. (The ex and I got married on the same day. Our rehearsal dinners were at the same venue, same time, in rooms beside each other. My dad actually went over to his rehearsal dinner to visit...It was odd. His wife still cannot stand me, but he and I are still friends.)

[Nan in Mass]

As someone who tried a long-distance relationship in two different colleges and wound up at my husband's college, I'd say this decision is a really difficult one.  Does he want her to go to the same college?  Will he feel obligated to stay with her if she does?  Does she want to go to the same college?  Will she feel obligated to stay with him if she does?  Will she regret not going to her first choice college?  Will she hold that against him for the rest of their lives if they stay together?  Will she use that as an excuse for other failures?

 

I regret not finishing at my first college.  I never really settled at my second college.  I regret not having that degree (switched majors).  I like having the degree from the second college (that degree suited me too) and if I had to decide between finishing at the first college and losing my boyfriend/husband or switching, I would gladly gladly gladly switch.  I don't think the switch really changed the shape of my life other than that.  I still (hopefully) would have wound up home doing child care and elder care.  I love that.  It is what I really wanted to do in the first place.  I just regret the lost body of knowledge.  : )  I had a friend (at the second college) who switched to be with his high school girlfriend, too, and was happy about it.  I guess, writing this all out, I can see in retrospect that as difficult as the decision seems right now, it may not be irreversable.  Is his college a place she could transfer to?  If so, she can try her first choice and if they can't stand being apart, she can switch.  That might be the most sensible way to proceed if they still don't know each other very well.

 

The big thing is to find out what she really wants and what he really wants, and that may not be at all easy.  This is one of those situations where a crystal ball would be a big help.

 

Nan

[jennynd]

My Husband and I was 3.5 hr apart for 3 years. He was still in graduate school and I stared working. It will work if it supposed to work. It will up to her to pick, IMO, you don't want her blaim you later but I do believe if it meant to work out, It will work out

[katilac]

Has she brought it up? If she has, I would be willing to revisit the college with her and go over the important questions (is it still a good choice if you break up, why wasn't it your first pick, money, etc). 

 

If she hasn't brought it up, I certainly would not. It seems like it would be pressure in the opposite direction, kwim? They both might just be enjoying being together for now, with zero plans to attempt an exclusive long-term relationship. It's possible they are enjoying it so much because they know they are going their separate ways in a few months. 

[G5052]

I would encourage to take the long view.  What if she breaks up with him?  What if she decides to change majors?  And then I'd back off.  Ultimately it is her decision.

 

When I was in college I had a boyfriend that I thought I might marry.  I needed some electives, so I took a few classes in his field because if we married, he'd work in a remote area and I'd have to probably work for his company or something allied with it if I wanted to work.  When he graduated two years ahead of me, he made several really stupid decisions right away and that told me that I needed to end it.  And I did.  I still laugh about those credits because they are in an area completely unrelated to anything that came after.  Thankfully I didn't change majors or move or do anything else that locked me in.  

 

As a dear friend of mine told me at that time, "Don't put all your eggs in his basket until you've got a ring and a wedding date coming up in the near future."

[Nan in Mass]

Has she brought it up? If she has, I would be willing to revisit the college with her and go over the important questions (is it still a good choice if you break up, why wasn't it your first pick, money, etc). 

 

If she hasn't brought it up, I certainly would not. It seems like it would be pressure in the opposite direction, kwim? They both might just be enjoying being together for now, with zero plans to attempt an exclusive long-term relationship. It's possible they are enjoying it so much because they know they are going their separate ways in a few months. 

 

This is a good point. : )

[CaffeineDiary]

My advice to you is the same as the reply I would give to my mom if she offered me advice on this issue:
 

"Butt out, mom.  This is not your business, and it's inappropriate for you to even think about talking to me about this if I didn't ask you.  Back off."

 

If, on the other hand, your daughter asked you about this, then i STILL wouldn't give her advice.  Because she needs to be making her own decisions about such important issues.  Not depending on Mom.

 

[happypamama]

I would probably take her back to visit the college she is reconsidering because of this relationship. If it would still be a good choice if the relationship failed, it is worth reconsidering.

Yes to this, although I agree with the other posters who said it needs to be *her* choice, no pressure from you either way. I originally only even looked at my college because my boyfriend was attending there, and we were tired of being several hours apart. But I really liked the college and felt that it was a good match for me, and it was. Now, we did feel that our relationship was serious enough that it would last, so maybe I felt a little more comfortable putting my eggs in that basket, so to speak, and it might be different for your DD, but I think there are worse things than going to a college because of a boy, if the college is otherwise a good fit.

The thing I would wonder is if they split up, would she have to see him frequently? Our college was large (although we lived in the same dorm, but we had a lot of dining halls, so we wouldn't necessarily have seen each other that all often), and our programs were different. If your DD and this boy are in the same program and will be seeing each other a lot for the next several years, that might be nice, but it could be a problem if they break up. It could also be too much togetherness and possibly competition if they are still together, so that's something to consider.

[Elisabet1]

My daughter actually did ask me. If anything, I get tired of her asking me everything, but I do think she was within reason to ask about this. There was nothing wrong with her asking me this.  Originally, I said no way, she already made her decision on college and she cannot change that over a boy. Then I started thinking that perhaps I was too quick to judge. In the end, I did offer to take her back and look at the school again. She decided against it.

[Lolly]

My daughter actually did ask me. If anything, I get tired of her asking me everything, but I do think she was within reason to ask about this. There was nothing wrong with her asking me this.  Originally, I said no way, she already made her decision on college and she cannot change that over a boy. Then I started thinking that perhaps I was too quick to judge. In the end, I did offer to take her back and look at the school again. She decided against it.

 

I totally understand the getting tired of your opinion being sought! But, it is so wonderful that you have that relationship with her. (I'll remind myself of that when my calls start coming in later today...) Funny how we get ideas in our head that are so concrete, and then realize that sometimes circumstances don't fit it. I've done that so many times! Good luck to your dd on her coming college adventure! If she decides that she does want to attend with him, changes can be made later. It isn't like you are stuck where you first start. I know a whole lot of kids who change their minds about where they want to attend college for many different reasons. Some do switch to be with their boyfriend/girlfriend; others change their major (and a different school is better fit), sometimes they just don't care for the school where they start, or they may decide they want to be closer to home. Bottom line, these decisions are not set in stone. I think sometimes we approach college choice as if once it is made there is no going back. That simply isn't the case. Anyway, good luck to her!

[texasmama]

I would help her look at the pros and cons of either school and then let her make her own decision.  I think it is wonderful that she wants your input.  It speaks to the strength of the relationship you have with her.  My college dd asks for my input pretty regularly, and I am glad she does so.  IMO, a right or wrong decision does not exist, just two fine options.  Ironically, that often makes it much more difficult to make the decision.  At this point, your dd is transitioning to making more and more independent decisions. 

 

I made my undergraduate college decision based on two factors - a best friend who could only afford a state school (not the private school I had been accepted to - Baylor) and a boyfriend who attended a state school.  When best friend told me she was not going with me to Baylor, I suggested my boyfriend's college.  This was in June, and we went off to boyfriend's college in August.  I dated boyfriend off and on that first year of college, then broke up with him and never saw him again.  My best friend stayed at the college one year and then never went back.  We were roommates for a semester, and this didn't work well, so I moved out of the dorm and into an apartment second semester. 

 

Mine is a cautionary tale in many ways because I made decisions willy-nilly.  However, I graduated from that state university and went on to graduate school.  I would say it all worked out just fine.  Young people are resilient.  Changes can be made.  It is not possible to predict the future.  Either decision sounds fine.  Let us know what transpires.  :)

[8filltheheart]

The OP has posted that her dd has made a decision and put down her deposit. Just thought I'd share my experience. I turned down a full scholarship offer to another school to follow my then boyfriend. ( we started dating during my jr yr/his sr yr. He went off to college a yr ahead of me.). I never discussed school options with my parents. I applied in my own and made my decision on my own totally based on my boyfriend being there. We got married 2 yrs later and will be celebrating our 28th anniversary in a few weeks. :)