WWYD? Son wanting to quit football...

[Sue G in PA]

Several issues at play here...1. Son has a habit of wanting to quit when things don't come easy. 2. Dh and I can't stand his coach and neither can he. Not a good influence. 3. Paid lots of money for this already, not sure if we can get any back.

 

Okay, dh and I do NOT like this guy at.all. Not a good first impression, but we decided not to judge right away. He got worse from there. Last practice ran over 1/2 hour. When I asked him if I missed the email saying practice would run over...he said he was sorry he didn't have a watch and didn't realize what time it was. Well...the other team left, the MOON was out (it was 8:30pm), you couldn't even see the football. But, okay...no watch. Well, my ds10 gets in the car and says, "Mom, coach lied to you."! WHAT? Ds10 said that somebody asked coach the time just 15 min. earlier and he got out his cell phone and said, "It's 8:14!". He LIED TO MY FACE! That was the last straw. I told dh and he was livid. So, ds10 tells us today that he's not having fun, doesn't like the coach and would rather not play. I'm thrilled b/c I'm not thrilled with having ds10 under this guys influence 6+ hours each week. But, ds10 also quit guitar lessons last month b/c he just didn't "like it" anymore. What would you do? I'd like to let him quit and ask for a refund of my money (partial) b/c of the situation w/ the coach. I'd also like to ask ds10 to resume guitar lessons and stick it out. I just can't let him "quit" everything that doesn't come easy to him, KWIM? WWYD?

[Stacia]

I guess I would ask for a refund/leave football based on the negative experiences you & your dh are having w/ him & the reasons you think he's a bad influence on your ds.

 

Maybe your son hasn't found his true hobby/activity yet? As kids, my mom enrolled my sis & I in various things (one thing at a time & we would try it a certain amount of time), trying to find something that we would love doing. Eventually (at high school age, lol), I found oil painting. But, prior to that, I had tried lots & lots of different activities throughout my childhood (gymnastics, ballet, softball, art classes, piano, clarinet, etc...).

 

Perhaps if he finds the right thing, he won't want to quit so easily, kwim? What are his true passions?

[StaceyinLA]

I just don't believe I'd be having that coach lying to me - what kind of message is THAT sending your son?

 

I'd ask for a refund, and tell why you want it. DS doesn't HAVE to be in extra-curriculars right now does he? If so, let him find something more pleasant.

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

Several issues at play here...1. Son has a habit of wanting to quit when things don't come easy. 2. Dh and I can't stand his coach and neither can he. Not a good influence. 3. Paid lots of money for this already, not sure if we can get any back.

 

Okay, dh and I do NOT like this guy at.all. Not a good first impression, but we decided not to judge right away. He got worse from there. Last practice ran over 1/2 hour. When I asked him if I missed the email saying practice would run over...he said he was sorry he didn't have a watch and didn't realize what time it was. Well...the other team left, the MOON was out (it was 8:30pm), you couldn't even see the football. But, okay...no watch. Well, my ds10 gets in the car and says, "Mom, coach lied to you."! WHAT? Ds10 said that somebody asked coach the time just 15 min. earlier and he got out his cell phone and said, "It's 8:14!". He LIED TO MY FACE! That was the last straw. I told dh and he was livid. So, ds10 tells us today that he's not having fun, doesn't like the coach and would rather not play. I'm thrilled b/c I'm not thrilled with having ds10 under this guys influence 6+ hours each week. But, ds10 also quit guitar lessons last month b/c he just didn't "like it" anymore. What would you do? I'd like to let him quit and ask for a refund of my money (partial) b/c of the situation w/ the coach. I'd also like to ask ds10 to resume guitar lessons and stick it out. I just can't let him "quit" everything that doesn't come easy to him, KWIM? WWYD?

 

Well, my dd's soccer practices run over a lot, but if people have to go somewhere they just call their kid off the field and go.

 

As for the coach's lying- He may have forgot he had looked at his phone- I do this kind of thing all the time- I'm not lying, little things like that just are not important to my brain. I could easily see my dd's soccer coach doing something like this too because he is so focused on what is going on- even if he knows it is over practice time he will keep going because maybe the girls ALMOST have a certain concept down and he wants to run through it just one more time.

 

If it were my son, I would make him choose an activity and stick with it. I wouldn't insist it be football or guitar, but something. Something to keep in mind is that you are never going to always like your teachers, coaches, or your boss for that matter.

[wide eyes & laughter]

If it were my son, I would make him choose an activity and stick with it. I wouldn't insist it be football or guitar, but something. Something to keep in mind is that you are never going to always like your teachers, coaches, or your boss for that matter.

 

:iagree: with the op.

 

We are having similar issues - coach started out very affirming but now is waaaayyy to passionate for 9yo football players, imo. He keeps them late routinely. A couple of the players are bully-types. But we are sticking with it and trying to find the teachable moments for ds and for ourselves! We feel we made a commitment to the team and it is only for 2 more months here in MN. We do see some positives in working w/ds9 in this and, I guess, we'll look forward to coming out on the other side of this season:toetap05:

 

Good luck!

Cheryl

[Cheryl in NM]

If this is YAFL there are no refunds for any reason. So if you do decide to let your son quit you are out the money. Of course, the money isn't really the issue here.

 

I think this is a learning opportunity for your family. There will always be people that just push it (the coach) and your son is going to have to deal with that. (Gently), your son is also going to have to learn to finish a commitment. It's not the rest of his life, it's 2 more months.

 

I think as parents, you could explain to your ds that while some of coach's actions/attitude are wrong he is the coach and your son needs to follow his coaching. Your son does NOT need to follow the behaviors that are inappropriate. Your son is old enough to understand this. He's also old enough to stick this out.

 

That being said, if this is YAFL there are rules about how long a team can practice and they cannot ever practice after dark. If this is a YAFL team contact the headquarters. Let them know about the extra long practices and that they are after dark. Don't leave your name; any parent could have made that call.

 

After the season is over call the headquarters and make a complaint about the coach and his attitude and behavior. It sounds as if this guy should not be coaching kids. These coaches are volunteers; you wonder why a guy like this volunteers for these things! If your son will not be part of football anymore this will not affect him in next year's pick (even though it shouldn't anyway!).

 

Sorry if this sounds harsh but this is what I would do. BTW, my advice has nothing to do with your son's history. I happen to think the football season is short enough that this is a good lesson, unless of course there's some serious abuse happening.

 

Good luck!

[kalanamak]

This is an uncomfortable age, and there may be other things going on your son hasn't confided (kids can be really cruel at this age).

 

Personally, I'd let him drop but make it clear no more lessons, guitars purchased, team dues and uniforms until kiddo showed a sustained interest in something that he does like. Let him Volksmarch or do mosaic or something cheap without a long commitment until he gets to know his own mind a little better.

[lynn]

I wouldn't let him quit. Let it be a learning experience. You can't always quit just because something does not go right or the boss does makes you stay late. You live in a world with all sorts of people and you learn to make the best of things, learn and move on.

[HappyatHome]

When we got the kids involved in an activity, we told them that they had to follow through for x amount of time (a season, a year, etc.) before letting them quit.

 

In your shoes, I'd be willing to let him quit football, but would want him to stick with guitar lessons for a period of time longer.

 

I do remember switching music teachers mid-stream, but not the lessons. Too bad you can't switch coaches.

[Home'scool]

My daughter has a horrible softball coach. I say "has" because he is the only game in town for her age group and we are stuck with him. We've had him for 3 years now, both for rec. and travel team. (My daughter is now 11.) I posted once about him .... he's arrogant, plays favorites, rude and lazy. She has also learned a grand total of ZERO from him. Great, huh? We have to go outside the team for proper coaching, and we view it as playing time only.

 

She wanted to quit last year after an especially bad time. We decided to stick it out and complete the season inspite of him. I didn't want her to quit when she was down, or because someone was being a jerk. There will *always* be jerks, and if you quit your path every time you run into one you will never get anywhere!

 

Best decision we have made in a long time. She now is less intimidated by people because she knows there can be a path made around them.

 

As far as the practice going long ...... perhaps he did forget he looked at his phone. I know when I get busy enough and people ask me a question that requires a routine response I don't even register I've said it. He could have lost track again in the following 15 minutes.

 

Also, I would have loved some practices to go long for my daughter. Her practices, which were 2 hours long, were a joke. I would have appreciated a coach who worked to make them a better team, even if it went long. Sometimes that can show a dedicated coach.

 

As an aside, I was telling someone once how much sports has been a positive influence in my daughter's life. He responded with "Depends completely on whether you get a good coach or not." In my experience that is not true. A bad coach can teach you a lot about character, it just takes a lot of intervention by the parent to teach it.

[Tammyla]

If I had strong feelings about a coach truly not being a good influence, I'd take my kid out. And I'd insist on a refund. However, it would be my decision not my kids.

 

Sue, I think you might need to add some prayer to this and I'll put in my btdt with a 10/ds 2 cents.

 

Lessons, sports, clubs and things are going to get more focused and intense now. No more adorable little kids running around the soccer field while the coach smiles and no one keeps score. This is a good time to try things on a short time commitment and find what he enjoys, is good at, needs etc. hth

[Mandamom]

have my child stick it out. My dss12 has played rec football for 3 years now and we've gone through a variety of coaches and one was pretty bad. That being said, we made him finish the season as it was only a couple of more months. Now, if my daughter had really bad coaches in gymnastics which is a year long commitment we would consider pulling her out before the year.

 

Last night a local league was leaving the Y between 8:15 and 8:30 or so. What I would do is tell your ds to tell his coach that he needs to leave at 8:15 (sunset or whatever time you pick that is reasonable) and that you will be there to leave at that time. When 8:15 comes, tell your ds to get in the car and leave. Since your ds has told your coach that he has to leave "early" hopefully it will make the point.

 

Good luck whatever your decision.

[Remudamom]

My question is why is a ten yr old playing football? Sounds young to me.

[valkett]

O.k... after years and years of soccer, my younger two decided they wanted to do football. I felt like we had been thrown into another universe. Yes, my kids play rec league football. The coaches and a lot of the parents live and breathe football. My husband jokingly calls them the "parents of future NFLers".

 

Practices routinely go over... way over... Once the official school year starts, there is much more of an effort to get them off the field closer to the official end of practice.

 

I'm sorry you're having a hard time with your coach. Again... football was like a different universe for us when it came to coaching... they yelled a lot. Lots different from the rec soccer we had been playing. When my youngest started last year (a year after my middle guy), he spent the first two weeks crying... not from anything the coaches did, but because it's hard... if someone on the team screws up... the entire team does the hills (and let's just say I'd fall backwards on my butt if I had to attempt the hills). The exercises were harder than anything he had ever done in soccer. After that first two weeks, I saw my son change... he really gained a lot of confidence for sticking it out and overcoming this hurdle.

 

We are not a football-mad family by any means... I spend most of the season griping about how much time it takes... but I can really see that my kids have gained something valuable from playing the sport. I also appreciate how much emphasis our football organization puts on doing well in school and behaving well both in and out of school. The coaches have a true interest in how the kids are doing and what the kids are doing. The first year my middle son played, he had to read a book a week - for football. The coach would call on someone at random at Monday's practice and ask them to tell about the book they read the previous week.

 

Sorry I've rambled so much. I can't tell you whether you should let him quit or not. I hope I've given you an idea that football is very different. If you are leaning towards pulling him, consider talking to the coach. Let him know your concerns.

 

Best of luck!

 

Valk

[Jumping In Puddles]

My question is why is a ten yr old playing football? Sounds young to me.

 

My son is 5 and is playing football. I don't think it's too young if the kid really enjoys it but I do think the time commitment is too much for my 5 year old.

 

Most teams meet 2 days/week for 1 to 1.5 hours. My son's team meets 3X/week from 6 to 8pm! DS is ready to leave around 7 and I'm sorry that I didn't request a different team for him right at the start. I'm afraid he is going to not like it because of the commitment.

[H.S. Burrow]

Well, my dd's soccer practices run over a lot, but if people have to go somewhere they just call their kid off the field and go.

 

As for the coach's lying- He may have forgot he had looked at his phone- I do this kind of thing all the time- I'm not lying, little things like that just are not important to my brain. I could easily see my dd's soccer coach doing something like this too because he is so focused on what is going on- even if he knows it is over practice time he will keep going because maybe the girls ALMOST have a certain concept down and he wants to run through it just one more time.

 

If it were my son, I would make him choose an activity and stick with it. I wouldn't insist it be football or guitar, but something. Something to keep in mind is that you are never going to always like your teachers, coaches, or your boss for that matter.

 

If this is YAFL there are no refunds for any reason. So if you do decide to let your son quit you are out the money. Of course, the money isn't really the issue here.

 

I think this is a learning opportunity for your family. There will always be people that just push it (the coach) and your son is going to have to deal with that. (Gently), your son is also going to have to learn to finish a commitment. It's not the rest of his life, it's 2 more months.

 

I think as parents, you could explain to your ds that while some of coach's actions/attitude are wrong he is the coach and your son needs to follow his coaching. Your son does NOT need to follow the behaviors that are inappropriate. Your son is old enough to understand this. He's also old enough to stick this out.

 

That being said, if this is YAFL there are rules about how long a team can practice and they cannot ever practice after dark. If this is a YAFL team contact the headquarters. Let them know about the extra long practices and that they are after dark. Don't leave your name; any parent could have made that call.

 

After the season is over call the headquarters and make a complaint about the coach and his attitude and behavior. It sounds as if this guy should not be coaching kids. These coaches are volunteers; you wonder why a guy like this volunteers for these things! If your son will not be part of football anymore this will not affect him in next year's pick (even though it shouldn't anyway!).

 

Sorry if this sounds harsh but this is what I would do. BTW, my advice has nothing to do with your son's history. I happen to think the football season is short enough that this is a good lesson, unless of course there's some serious abuse happening.

 

Good luck!

 

I wouldn't let him quit. Let it be a learning experience. You can't always quit just because something does not go right or the boss does makes you stay late. You live in a world with all sorts of people and you learn to make the best of things, learn and move on.

 

:iagree: Sue, very gently agreeing with these posts.

 

Very gently adding this: Your son has made a committment to a *team*. Football is not an individual activity like guitar lessons. His desire to quit effects the other members of his *team* not just him.

 

As the others have said, we all have coaches, bosses, teachers that we will have to learn to deal with. Football seasons are typically short - 4 months at most - so I believe that is a good time frame for learning to deal with this type of situation.

 

If he starts to see that if he doesn't like the activity or coach or subject and that he can just quit, what's he going to do when he's in college and doesn't like a professor or class - or when he has his first job and doesn't like a boss, co-worker or schedule? I realize these scenarios are several years down the road, but he's old enough *now* to see and believe that you will allow him to quit just because he doesn't like the coach, or teammates, or the sport. He's also old enough to see how his actions (or lack of actions) effect others.

 

I would not allow him to quit. Our family rule is that if you sign up for it, you follow it through - no matter what.

 

If he decides that he would like to play football next year, you can simply write on his registration "not Coach John Doe" and that should be honored when teams are picked....that's how it's done where I live for all youth sports.