Elisabet1 Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 We were talking about daughter going to UT Dallas. And in the process, she started talking about taking the train down in to Dallas and to various things around the metroplex. Suddenly, I am not happy. She is very naive. I suddenly wonder if I want her walking around Richardson and off campus there. She won't have a car. Sending a car with her is not a good option with her driving issues (she has been in 4 small accidents in the last few months since she started driving a lot..in all of them, she ran in to our house trying to park the car in the garage or pulling it out. The only driving she does is between here and one location. Richardson (where UT Dallas is actually located) is a very busy area. This was not even something I thought about before! We have taken the train to Dallas before, before she is not just talking talking. She wants to head to East Dallas for some ethnic event she is interested in. She wants to go to the arts district for things. I know she will not be able to spend all the time off campus she would like to. But I am worried now. Any good insight or places I can look for safety information? I am swimming in completely new territory here and never thought before about this, until tonight. Parents who have students at UT Dallas, do your children live on campus or off and how do things go in the evenings? Do you feel everything is pretty safe on campus and all? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 There is safety in numbers. Tell her to go and do things with friends. Tell her to call campus security to walk her to her dorm at night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbara H Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 I really don't know that being able to drive improves a student's safety on most campuses. Parking lots and parking structures are among the least safe places. It is more important that students have good rules and plans in place for themselves. As mentioned that includes safety in numbers. Also students really need to be using campus escorts at night. http://www.utdallas.edu/enroll/visit/safety.php?nocookies=false I would expect if students are going off campus to community events, particularly a night, that they are traveling in groups. Parents may also be interested to know that colleges are required to public their crime logs and crime statistics. If you do decide to look at the crime statistics http://www.utdallas.edu/police/publicinfo.html try not to get freaked out by the sheer volume. It is mostly minor theft, DUI, and substance possession. Assault is much more likely to happen in the wee hours of the morning at parties. Also, no matter where your child goes to school it is absolutely vital to talk about the importance of always going to social events with a friend they can count on and never, never leaving drinks uncovered or unsupervised. Even if you don't think your child is going to drink - this still applies. Parents often tend to think of risks on campus as being more risks from the city or outside... but statistically the far bigger risk is from the inside. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 I really don't know that being able to drive improves a student's safety on most campuses. Parking lots and parking structures are among the least safe places. To give you 2 examples of just how dangerous parking lots are: (1) Many years ago, one of my youngest cousins was kidnapped from the parking lot of a junior college (community college) in the Los Angeles area. The man raped her and it is a miracle that he did not kill her, since the penalty for rape is the same as the penalty for murder. (2) I was almost murdered, by someone who turned out to be an undercover Sheriff, while walking across the parking lot of a hotel in Washington state, when I walked into a reverse drug sting that went awry. I am always VERY concious of the danger, when walking in parking lots. I am extremely familiar with Richardson, far North Dallas, Plano, etc., etc., and I simply cannot imagine someone living there without a car. Especially if she has interests in going to events near Fair Park, East Dallas, etc. As a PP mentioned, there is safety in numbers. Having a car will not guarantee her safety, but she will be safer than she would be trying to use public transportation (if it exists and if it is operating). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nan in Mass Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 I don't want to make light of your worries, which are valid, but all the orientations I've ever heard of included safety information. Sticking with friends is the best tip. In the school I was at, there were rapes in the parking garage and we were all told that if we needed to use it, to make sure we didn't go alone. You can make sure she knows about date rape, not just scary-stranger rape. She should know to take her laptop with her while going to the bathroom, to get her own drink and keep it in view at all times, to say she'd rather not accept the responsibility if asked to watch something for someone, to wear her backpack over both shoulders in if-y places or in front on both shoulders in crowds, and to walk purposefully, look alert and confident, not make eye contact, wear flats, avoid alleys, and stay away from doorways and cars. Make sure she has the phone number of a local taxi service in her phone and knows it is ok to call a taxi rather than walk to her car. Remind her that places that are ok in the daylight may not be ok once it gets dark. Tell her that she always needs to have a plan for getting home again - going to parties with friends who many not want to come home when she does or getting back to her car if an event gets out after dark. Make sure she knows to check when the last bus or train leaves and that taking that last one is not usually a good idea, in case you miss it. Make sure she knows that she should trust her instincts and if someone strikes her as creepy or wrong, to avoid that person. I'm sure there is a ton more advice that someone who is streetwise could give you, but this is what I know. Nan ETA - AAA is a good idea whether or not she brings a car because she can use it in a friend's car. And tell her and tell her again not to get in the car with anyone under the influence, no matter how impolite it may seem. You might also make sure she knows what various street drugs look like. ETAA - You should probably talk to her about deciding where the obligations of friendship begin and end, and becoming aware of where her new friends think they begin and end. This is how many, many good young people (and older people) get into trouble. And tell her to beware of being cornered. A person can step slightly into her personal space, forcing her to back up, then do it again, and again, until she is where she comes up against something and can't step away anymore. Or they can place their feet such that they control where she can and can not step. Talk about strategies for dealing with this at parties, like calling a friend over even if there is no friend in sight or spilling her drink. On public transportation, she should beware of the inside seat. She can sit in the outside seat and if someone needs to sit next to her, stand and let the other person slide in rather than sliding over herself. Remind her to dress neatly but not flashily (not the time to wear expensive jewelry) and not to wave things like expensive phones or cameras around. Tell her to check her back seat before getting into her car. Tell her to hang onto her money until the cashier takes it, rather than set it on the counter to be picked up. Tell her to keep her hands out of her pockets in stores. Talk about polite, blend-in strategies at parties, like accepting a beer and just carrying it around rather than drinking it. In places where people commonly take the elevator, the stairwells may be uncomfortable. This is a mishmash of true physical safety stuff and avoiding unpleasant experiences stuff. Sorry. : ) Surely I'm not the only one with tips like the train seat one? I am not streetwise. Surely some of you streetwise city people have more tips to add to our list? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 I don't want to make light of your worries, which are valid, but all the orientations I've ever heard of included safety information. Sticking with friends is the best tip. In the school I was at, there were rapes in the parking garage and we were all told that if we needed to use it, to make sure we didn't go alone. You can make sure she knows about date rape, not just scary-stranger rape. She should know to take her laptop with her while going to the bathroom, to get her own drink and keep it in view at all times, to say she'd rather not accept the responsibility if asked to watch something for someone, to wear her backpack over both shoulders in if-y places or in front on both shoulders in crowds, and to walk purposefully, look alert and confident, not make eye contact, wear flats, avoid alleys, and stay away from doorways and cars. Make sure she has the phone number of a local taxi service in her phone and knows it is ok to call a taxi rather than walk to her car. Remind her that places that are ok in the daylight may not be ok once it gets dark. Tell her that she always needs to have a plan for getting home again - going to parties with friends who many not want to come home when she does or getting back to her car if an event gets out after dark. Make sure she knows to check when the last bus or train leaves and that taking that last one is not usually a good idea, in case you miss it. Make sure she knows that she should trust her instincts and if someone strikes her as creepy or wrong, to avoid that person. I'm sure there is a ton more advice that someone who is streetwise could give you, but this is what I know. Nan I agree with this. My undergraduate school had almost zero crime from outside, but inside had all the usual problems: thefts, rapes, drug/alcohol abuse, fights, etc. Alcohol and drugs fueled the vast majority of the problems. Even as a professional woman later on, I always carried enough taxi fare to get me home or back to my hotel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamaraby Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 She's going to be an adult, yes? It's time for her to learn how to navigate these sorts of things. What an incredible opportunity for her! Is it good to be wise? Sure, but I also think you'll do her a disservice by sheltering her or making her overly fearful. I went to school in downtown Chicago and we walked everywhere, at all hours of the day and night. My experience in college in Chicago was a huge high point in my life. I wouldn't have traded those days for anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kathkath Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 time for street smarts boot camp. help her build awareness of what is going on around her, how to carry herself as she walks down the street--chin up, walk briskly, look like you're going somewhere, if you make eye contact with a stranger DON'T LOOK DOWN after you break contact. Look ahead confidently. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 The Gift of Fear is a book you both need to read. Also, alcohol is the biggest issue with safety on campus. Things that you would know to avoid sober seem no big deal when a bit buzzed. And if you get drunk and pass out some men WILL think that is an invitation to have sex. Ask me how I know...yeah. And those friends you thought were keeping you safe? Unless you never leave the room separately that won't help. Or, they may think "you must really like the guy" so it is ok you are going off with him. In mixed company she MUST stay sober. Period. I've lived and learned. And you have to guard your drink even if it is soda or soemthing. In a different experience I am almost 100 percent sure I was slipped a date rape drug...I remember ordering a second drink and nothing after that. Woke up having intercourse with a man I had always found ugly and gross. Was too out of it to really stop him. Just waited till it was over and told him to put on a condom. The next day he thought things were fine, said we should do it again some time, meanwhile I had no idea where I was, had a splitting headache, was sensitive to light, etc. And my friends were there. No one thought anything odd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen in NY Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 (((Katie))) So so sorry. I started to post my own little rant about college sexual abuse: suffice it to say that between 20 and 25% of girls are sexually assaulted on campus. http://america.aljazeera.com/watch/shows/america-tonight/america-tonight-blog/2013/10/28/by-the-numbers-sexcrimesoncampus.html I think about campus safety every day :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbara H Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 I am sorry Katie. I admire your courage in sharing. These is such an important issue and I agree it is something every one of us needs to talk to our kids about. It is an excellent point that rape drugs can be slipped into a soda just like they can an alcoholic drink. One great suggestion I've read is to talk to kids, both sons and daughters, about what they can do as a friend. What should they keep an eye out for as a bystander and what will they do in a situation where they see something they think might be problematic. Approaching it as helping a friend can also help open up a conversation without making it seem like parents are judging or not trusting of their kids. Here's a recent New York Times article about the bystander approach. (Warning: the article contains specific references to assault.) http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/09/education/edlife/stepping-up-to-stop-sexual-assault.html?_r=0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 Reviewing safety rules is a good idea. I'd let her go for it as long as she's not going alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nan in Mass Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 Hugs, ktgrok. May sharing your experience keep someone else safe. Elisabet1 - I think you can harm your daughter's life just as much at this point by not letting her do anything and making her overly fearful as you can by not warning her and not protecting her. It is a really tricky balance. This next little time is your opportunity to help her to learn to venture out safely. It involves some risk, enough risk to make a loving mother's hair stand on end. (Even when it involves boys. Sigh.) It is really important, though, to take advantage of this next period of time. We raised our boys in an extremely safe place, where every stranger was someone who would help them. Going from that to being out and about in the world safely was a rather big step. We did it by turning the boys loose while they were still living at home AND STILL TOLD US THEIR PLANS, GIVING US THE OPPORTUNITY TO TURN THEM INTO PLANS THAT WOULD WORK. That is the trick. We told them they HAD TO STICK TO THEIR PLAN, and they had to stick together (really stick together, not the way a group of new college friends sticks together), keep their wallet in their front pocket and both backpack straps on, keep their chin up and walk confidently, trust their instincts, stay alert and in the light, and stay out of bad places. We made sure they knew which parts of where ever they were going were bad and to be avoided, and which were generally ok, at least during the day. We made sure they knew how to take a taxi and public transportation and that they had enough money to do so if need be. Then we prayed a lot. Fortunately, guardian angels really exist. I think her biggest problem (after venturing someplace stupid alone, like a parking garage at 1am, out of total ignorance) is going to be deciding where the obligations of friendship begin and end, and becoming aware of where her new friends think they begin and end. Should she follow her friends if they decide to do something she considers risky? Or shouldn't she? Should she report risky behavior? Or not rat on a friend? These sorts of decisions get messy fast. I've added edited a few more things (based on my sons' experiences) to my list of things you can tell her above. The seating thing is an especially good tip. Nan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kareni Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 Surely I'm not the only one with tips like the train seat one? I am not streetwise. Surely some of you streetwise city people have more tips to add to our list? On the bus, ride near the front and the driver rather than in the rear. Regards, Kareni Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shawthorne44 Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 Definitely safety in numbers. Although, even then there are still places you shouldn't go. But, I've ridden that train many times and never been the slightest bit worried. I've been on high-alert other places, but not the train. If she goes to UTD, there will be just the normal dangers of on-campus college life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nan in Mass Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 Probably a good idea to tell your children that it is no reflection on their orientation to receive "offers", either way. And if you have boys, please, please talk to them about how vulnerable they are to accusations of all sorts. We have a ride anytime with no questions asked policy, too. The deal is, we will pretend it didn't happen next day. Nan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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