I feel terrible

[Night Elf]

My son is upset because he can't do the same amount of work as high school peers. We've homeschooled for 13 years and I was never a consistent homeschooler, until high school. We use an accredited online school *because* I was a very inconsistent homeschooler. He has Aspergers and works slowly, but since I never required a lot of him, he's not used to doing a lot. And now it's taking him much longer to get through a course that others can finish in 36 weeks or less. He said he feels like a failure, but it's really all my fault. This is such a big do-over wish. If I knew then what I know now, I might have done it better.

 

Oh, I'll add that my inconsistencies were one of the reasons dd15 chose to go to public high school. I wish she'd come back home, but she plans to graduate from there.

[Trilliums]

:grouphug:

You did what seemed best for your kids at the given time.  You don't necessarily know that a different route would have been more effective for your son but I certainly understand sometimes wishing we had done some things differently. 

[Chris in VA]

Awww--hug hug.

 

There are things I regret about homeschooling my Aspie high schooler, too, so I know the feeling.

 

Two thoughts, which are just opinions and may or may not help (CMA...lol)...

 

First, you make a bold assumption, and he does, too, when you use the phrase, "can't do the same amount of work." You do go on to say, "not USED TO doing a lot." That's not the same thing. The first is what he is capable of, the second what he is comfortable with. Perhaps he needs to change the mindset the second more than the first--it will be uncomfortable to work as much as he needs to to finish, but he CAN do it. If he wants to make academics his priority, that is. It will take a sacrifice of something that is hard to give up--hopefully not sleep...but maybe an extra curricular, or some of his down time, or something else he values. So, it now becomes a choice of HIS, and not just a product of his past. IF it is truly a CAN'T issue, he can still choose to improve, even if he can't get all the way "there." Sometimes knowing the power of change and choice is enough to motivate kids to do the extraordinary.

 

Second, perhaps you can focus on the things you did RIGHT--the special time you took to nuture, to learn his Aspie stuff and adapt or teach him to adapt or remediate...Perhaps life was not kind to you during the time you were inconsistent. You had--something on your plate that required "survival attention," or something in your heart that required emotional energy. Or maybe you bought into a philosophy that was so beautiful and noble, but didn't work for your situation, and you  spent time trying to hold on to it because your love for your child gave you the desire to bring them up in such a hopeful/beautiful/tender/whatever way. IOW, don't beat yourself up for circumstances, or choices that you made with the best intentions, or even just with whatever energy you had at the time--let your heart hear how much you love your kids and did your best with what you had, inside and out, at the time, with who you were and who they were.

 

 

[marbel]

:grouphug:

You did what seemed best for your kids at the given time.  You don't necessarily know that a different route would have been more effective for your son but I certainly understand sometimes wishing we had done some things differently. 

 

 

:grouphug:

 

I'm sorry.  But the above is true.  You simply cannot know that you'd have had a different outcome if you'd done things differently.  

[Night Elf]

Hmm... when I say he can't do the same amount of work, I mean in comparison with, for example, the high schoolers on this board. My son is only doing 5 courses, one of those an outside class that is super easy. He used to plan his work according to assignments. IOW, he would do one part of one section of a course regardless of how long it took him, which was always well under an hour. We've changed the way he does things and ask him to work on each class for one hour, except for Calculus where he works only 40 mins. each day. That class is super challenging and he starts losing focus. He used to write one paragraph in a subject each day. A 5-paragraph essay would take him 5 days. We've bumped him up to 2 paragraphs a day and he feels it's too much. I know he can do it so I just continue encouraging him. Because he takes so few classes and it takes him a year to get through one course, it's taking him a long time to get through high school. We're hoping he can finish by the time he's 19, but that will only happen if he picks up the pace of his work. Yesterday, he realized his sister was in school for 7 hours and then comes home to a couple of hours of homework. I've talked to him about not comparing himself to public school because they aren't truly working a full hour in each course, but he sees her going through more classes at a quicker pace.

 

Right now, his biggest assignment is a 4-page research paper in Environmental Science. His teacher grades more harshly than he's experienced before so he constantly worries if his work is good enough. I have him doing 2 paragraphs a day, except yesterday when he spent a long time researching the question to one paragraph so he only did that one. He felt like he did a tremendous amount of work but he was only working just over an hour. I really think he could push through a couple of these classes if he would devote more time to them each day but he feels absolutely overwhelmed. And of course he is already worrying about college. He doesn't want to go because he doesn't think he can handle the deadlines and the in-class assignments. But not going is not an option. He has no skills to do anything differently. The only thing I can think of is retail, and I don't think he'd be happy doing that.

 

I don't regret homeschooling him. What little time he did spend in school wasn't successful at all. But in all those years of homeschooling, only his sister completed two curriculums. She did Hooked on Phonics when she was 4, and did Calvert School 2nd grade. Other than that, we bounced from one thing to another and I never required handwriting or essay writing. He was kind of thrown into it when he started high school writing. He's done well in high school, but he's also felt overwhelmed the whole time.

[jelbe5]

Hugs. We do the best we can. I have struggled with this at times.

 

Would it help to let your son know that many schools have adopted a year-round schedule or that some schools (such as special ed schools) have summer sessions? These schedules have benefits such as spreading out the work to reduce stress/intensity and allow for the routine/structure to continue. There is less chance of skill loss when breaks are shorter. Our homeschool has adopted a year round schedule and it works much better for us.

[saraha]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[Night Elf]

Thanks for the hugs. We have always schooled year round, so that's a plus considering his classes last a long time.

[saraha]

I am looking at schooling some subjects all year round this year because, like you, I am not that great about being consistant or requiring more than the bare minimum.  It always seems that "something" comes up and throws off our day, and then I just give up and we all read.  I have set the bar really low, and now that he is over some hurdles, he and my older daughter both balk at what they feel is too much work.  I feel your pain and a healthy measure of guilt.  The only thing I have going for me is that they are very grateful that we homeschool instead of sending them to school.  They know they are different, and have learning challenges and are afraid of the other kids really.  It is my only leverage when the complaining gets to be too much.

[elegantlion]

My son would be overwhelmed by an online school. He works slower and frankly he's not that motivated. Instead of looking at pacing and comparison, I would try to focus on what he's doing. Calculus as a junior, that's great! 4 page research paper would way overwhelm my son. Right now we're still working on essays and this short research one will take 3 weeks. He spent two hours (not productive 2 hours either) on it yesterday. 

 

People progress at different rates. Late bloomers still bloom. Those that bloom differently are still valuable to the garden of life. I notice some schools still offer more traditional correspondence college classes - where the semester time limit is removed and can be finished in 9 months University of Missouri has some self-paced classes. 

 

 

[jenn-]

I will let you know that my DD is doing 8th grade with Keystone this year and she cannot keep up with all the different projects and papers out of the school.  I really think they are way harder than a regular high school.  I remember having to do a research project or paper a couple of times a year per subject, and our grades were really based on homework and test grades.  They have them doing some sort of project/paper for just about every subject every single week.  Of course she whines and cries and blames me for her not being ready to do all of this but I have been consistent in presenting her writing assignments, she just never took them serious.  We are switching to The American School for high school (our plan for after Keystone since before we started this year).  I am hoping it will be less busywork. 

[Scarlett]

Are you using K12?

I will tell you my ds13 is struggling as well.  And he has been in K12 for 8 years! 

[elfgivas]

fwiw, we have just gone to a semester system, as we can do four subjects really well, or seven poorly.  that may not be an option at high school, but i actually chose university courses that way on purpose.

 

what Chris in VA said was beautiful, and true. 

 

i would just add that if you had done things differently, different things would be harder....

ann

 

[MomatHWTK]

FWIW, I can't get my Aspie to do what I would consider a full course load.  He just gets overloaded.  So even if you had been consistently trying to get him used to the level of work, it might not have happened.  I don't know about your guy, but mine is upset by grades of any kind.  He can't handle not being 'perfect.'  The pressure to perform for an outside teacher would be very hard for him. 

 

I know my guy expresses frustration at his limitations often.  Do your best. If your Ds is ready to try more, help him slowly build up to it.  Maybe the peer comparison will turn out to be a good thing.   

[Guest submarines]

Don't second guess yourself. You did what you thought was best for him in the moment. Imagine that you pushed him harder over the years, and he was all stressed out, depressed and burnt out. And he'd probably be as slow working as well--this is not something that can really be trained out of a person's personality. When parents deviate from the norm when raising their children, it is easy for the children to blame their parents. :grouphug:

[Night Elf]

I will let you know that my DD is doing 8th grade with Keystone this year and she cannot keep up with all the different projects and papers out of the school.  I really think they are way harder than a regular high school.  I remember having to do a research project or paper a couple of times a year per subject, and our grades were really based on homework and test grades.  They have them doing some sort of project/paper for just about every subject every single week.  Of course she whines and cries and blames me for her not being ready to do all of this but I have been consistent in presenting her writing assignments, she just never took them serious.  We are switching to The American School for high school (our plan for after Keystone since before we started this year).  I am hoping it will be less busywork. 

 

Yeah, Keystone classes do have big projects. He's taking Environmental Science right now and the class itself was super easy. He skipped all the busy work and has made A's on his quizzes and tests. But the class requires a research paper at the end of each of the two semesters. He got a B on the first one, which I didn't think was a bad grade. He's close to finishing the second one. This class will be the first one he finishes in record time, only 7 months. His average time is 11 months. His Calculus class has been the longest. He's in the 13th month with still 2 or 3 months to go. Thank goodness for extensions!

 

The worst class for assignments was World History. They had essays due every week and I can't remember if he had one or two research papers. But the class itself was fabulous. The content was interesting and the projects fit in with the work and didn't seem like busy work. American History was his second favorite class.

 

We've already graduated one with Keystone. I can't imagine switching now when we have so much invested. I researched many options before choosing Keystone 5 years ago. One thing that was majorly important was it being recognized as a private school by colleges. In Georgia, I can't award an accredited diploma. I would need to have a portfolio of every class taken and that was so absolutely overwhelming, which is why we went the online school route. We did use K12 for a few subjects in various years and also Calvert School for several years, but never finished any of them. Well, my youngest dd did finish Calvert School 2nd grade but it was too easy for her and she wanted to work on it 7 days a week.

 

Overall, Keystone has been a good fit. The work load can seem overwhelming to my son but I think it's good practice for him if he's going to succeed in college. I want him writing as much as possible. He's actually a really good writer but has very little confidence. When he started Keystone, he was working a couple of hours a day, making his classes stretch out too long. He now works 4 hours a day, one per each subject and about 30 mins. for his outside class. This is why he feels he has too much work, because he's doubled his work load since he first started three years ago. It wasn't until the beginning of this school year that we started encouraging him to work longer. I'm hoping he'll eventually get used to it, and then we'll look at doing more. I would like to see him working in 5 Keystone classes at a time. He's never done more than 4 classes.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

[Mommyfaithe]

I hear ya! My kids have never been real " schooly". We are all undiagnosed aspies...especially me! Anyway, I just figured we would do our best and I would trust the process. Homeschool comes in seasons, just like life! Some seasons we are academic, some seasons are devoted to sports, some to caring for ailing relatives or new babies....ummmm....life.

 

This year, in my panic and foolishness, I enrolled my kids in CLE 's cover school. Can you spell disaster??! My 10th grader literally cried every day....we are 2 light units out of 10 into the year and we started in August! My 9 year old threatened to never leave his room again if he had to do one more fill in the blank!

 

Now, there is no more funding for books or classes this year, so....I am trusting myself and the process.....and we are homeschooling again. We NEVER finish...we read, write, relate, draw, build, talk, talk, talk, listen, color, read, and then play a bit. It is not about finishing here...it is about the PROCESS.

 

It is OK! My older 4 have gone on to college and have thrived ( except one ds who would rather play than work, but is happy and enjoying his life). We have all sorts of degrees and certifications among those kids....and they are educated, literate, and well-spoken. They are active in their communities. They are respected among their peers....

 

These younger 3 will be ok too. Is your son looking to go to an upper tier college like sme of the students on these boards?? For us, my goal is community college first. I want them to succeed in a small pond, before tossing them into a big one. It has worked so far for us. What is it that will work for your DS?

 

Don't kick yourself....life is a learning experience. Nothing is wasted. I have seen you around these boards for years and I know you are a conscientious mom. The teen years are difficult and there are all sorts of could've, would've, might've should've, didn'ts, but those should not matter. What counts is you DID the very best you could, with what you knew, and how you could do it. No kicking your own @ss.

 

Maybe it is time to re-evaluate your choices and have a heart to heart with your ds, and plan a move forward. CALCULUS in 11th grade!! SERIOUSLY! And you think you are behind, or that he is???? No way! I am blessed when my kids finish algebra and geometry by 12th. Anyway, you probably know my kids stories, they have been posted here before. I really just posted this to commiserate and send you hugs and let you now it will all be OK!

[Plink]

He is an Aspie and is dealing with change.  Enough said.  ((hugs))

[Tammyla]

(((Beth)))

[Night Elf]

Thanks ladies, your encouraging words help a lot. Oh, and he is in calculus because math has always come easy to him. It is language arts that truly challenges him.