IsabelC Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Brief background - end of 2012 school year I was really struggling with stress, mental health, exhaustion etc just felt I couldn't go on homeschooling anymore and didn't really have anywhere to turn for support. After much agonizing, dh and I made the decision to put our 3 kids in school. The intention was for me to have a year of taking it easy, getting myself into a more positive space, and then evaluate the possibility of resuming home schooling at the end of 2013. With our financial limitations, the only school we could choose was the local public school, which has a fairly low rating and low academic expectations, however we decided to try to be positive and hope for the best. After a break of only a few weeks, I felt I "should do something" (yep, stupid), and enrolled in an intensive university course. Update - School hasn't been a massive success. Ds10 (aspergers) has failed everything, as well as having anxiety/behavioral issues in class. He is emphatically against another year of school. Dd8, I am told, behaves beautifully and is a delight to teach. She is apparently doing fine on everything except reading (in fact her reading is no better than it was a year ago. Mainly because they are using the exact techniques that our remedial literacy expert said should not be used for her.) She quite enjoys school, I think because she happens to be a true extrovert in our family of introverts, but would be OK with homeschooling again too. Dd5 is ahead academically, but behind socially. She dislikes school and does not want to go back either. Meanwhile, I have dropped out of my course, because I just wasn't able to devote enough time to the kids while studying at least 40 hours per week. I am working with a new psychologist and I feel that home schooling might be a possibility for us again, however I don't want to jump in, overdo it, and end up burnt out all over again! Options now - We could continue with school for all the kids. OK, so it hasn't been good so far, but it might be better now I will have time to spend in the classrooms, plus more time to do afterschooling. We could pull the kids out and try home educating again. There is also the possibility bringing one or two of the kids home, while the other/s continue with school. But I'm not sure which way I'd do it. I'm tempted to just homeschool the youngest because she is easy to manage, easy to teach and could probably be considerably accelerated at home. On the other hand, she is the only one who will probably pass everything at school. The eldest is most disastrous at school, but he is difficult to handle and teach by anyone's standards, so if the school can't do anything with him, could I? The middle kid I am pretty sure I could 'fix' her reading if I didn't have the school pretty much working against what I'm doing. But then, with a new teacher, it's possible that she will have a different teaching style anyway. Also I'm still a bit conflicted on the idea of homeschooling one/some kids vs all home or all school. Homeschooling all of them would be a massive challenge, however now I have seen first hand how little they actually learned at school, I could probably be more zen about the fact that there are some days when they do a lot and some days when they don't. On the other hand, I do feel a bit like I failed before, so is it dumb to try again now (rationally, I know it wasn't failing, it was just taking a break when I needed to, but still...) Sometimes I really wish I had never heard of home education and could pack them off to school without giving it a second thought... OK, I know nobody here is going to magically know what we should do, but perhaps you could share your wisdom on how to go about deciding? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsabelC Posted January 17, 2014 Author Share Posted January 17, 2014 AND, can anybody remember from ages ago, I think there was a thread along the lines of how bad a homeschooler do you have to be before it becomes preferable for the kids to go to school. Does that ring any bells? Searched but couldn't find it, as I don't recall the title. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali in OR Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 My first thought is that school is failing for your son. Sounds like he really NEEDS home schooling the most. If I didn't think I could handle all three, I think I would home school the son and after school the other two in reading (probably just let little sis sit in on lessons with her sister and then read aloud a great book to both or all three of them). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TianXiaXueXiao Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 I am unfamiliar with the options that exist where you live, but perhaps you could do a virtual academy that takes away the stress of planning but allows you to monitor and supplement their education as you see fit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Sometimes I really wish I had never heard of home education and could pack them off to school without giving it a second thought... There are days I totally agree with this! First, I think it is good that you are taking care of yourself. If you do decide to homeschool again, you might bring your son home first and give him some relief. I wouldn't make a concrete decision about your other children until you and your son are working together well. Of course, only you can decide what each of you needs. Good luck! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 :grouphug: Bring 'em all home. I know it seems like a big deal, but there are thousands of people who have managed to do it, and I'm sure you will be able to do it, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Public school was a disaster here. Public school already has a lot of problems. Throw in Aspergers and it can be a disaster. Just go back to home schooling. I doubt you will regret it. I was supposed to go back to school originally. Years ago, I had gotten full grant for a post-bac nursing program. It would have been a good career move. But it just did not work with my family life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Also, making a child with Aspergers go in to a public school environment that is not fit for him would be like taking a person who is in a wheel chair and throw them on to a track with no wheel chair and then getting frustrated when they do not run along with everyone else, because everyone else can do it, why can't they? Seriously. I have to remind myself all the time of this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shellydon Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 I would figure out why you got so burned out in the first place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lots of little ducklings Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 ((Hugs)) It sounds like you are being far too hard on yourself... You were wise to give yourself a break when you needed it, and from where I'm sitting, it looks like, if anyone has "failed" your children, it was the ps, not you. :-) There are probably multiple "good" approaches you take in the future, so I wouldn't add to yourself the burden of stressing over finding the "only right path." Perhaps begin by sitting down quietly with a relaxing cup of tea and giving some thought as to what your long-term "big picture" goals for your family are. I don't mean short-term academic goals (those are important too, but hold off for now on them.) I mean a "blueprint" for your family-- values you wish to impart to them; relationship you and DH strive for w/ each other and w/ dcs; goals you have for each child in terms of their work ethic, emotional sensitivity and strength, confidence, and social understanding; and (if this applies to you) a worldview or understanding of faith that ties it all together. Review these with DH too, so you are on the same page. Then you can think more clearly about which academic options best achieve these goals. If you feel that perhaps you really aren't ready to tackle hs yet, and will better equipped to meet the goals of this blueprint without the pressures of hs-ing, then maybe PS is the right choice--maybe with after-schooling to fill in the gaps and failures of the school (and to take joy in the fact that you are still guiding their education). Or perhaps, if you really are leaning toward hs-ing, then start with a very realistic, achievable set of academic goals and lots of flex time and grace built into the plan so that you don't overwhelm yourself. Perhaps you could even consider "outsourcing" subjects that are especially challenging. Because you are the parent AND the teacher, it can be very stressful to maintain patience and objectivity with, for example, a child who has reading disabilities or challenges (and the behavioral issues that sometimes accompany that). It can also be a prime source of (false) guilt and a (false) sense of failure. So maybe a tutor for that subject will give you both space to enjoy each other and hs-ing again? Even a mature and motivated undergraduate (if you have a college/university nearby) could be an excellent and inexpensive tutor; and you could provide them with guidance on how to tailor the lessons to child's needs. Or you could outsource cooking, or housekeeping, or anything else that overburdened you in the past. If the cost of additional help is too prohibitive, maybe you could outsource to DH (just be sure he's 100% on board w/ it-- stressing your marriage is too high a price to pay, IMHO). And certainly a mix of some dcs at ps and some at home is a viable option too. I've known families who really succeeded with this. Personally I would find it too hard and too stressful for me to juggle the sometimes competing schedules and challenging logistics of that, but I'm probably just weird that way. :-) Whatever you choose, keep that blueprint of goals foremost in your mind-- that will help you weather the storms when you hit bumps in the road academically. And be certain you remind yourself constantly of all the daily successes you achieve, both in terms of those "blueprint goals" and all your academic goals! (We moms are notoriously bad at that, aren't we?). Write your successes down each day and post them if it helps. Even if it seems like a "little" success. Looking back, you'll be amazed at how much you really are accomplishing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 In your situation I'd bring home at least the oldest. He's failing everything anyway. And feeling like a failure, which is worse. Bring him home, and even if you are VERY relaxed he should make SOME progress, so would be better off. Heck, have him watch Ted Talks and documentaries all day and he'd be better off than failing everything in a place he hates. The youngest I'd bring home too, just because being misreable all day at school is bad for your brain. I'd leave the middl one there, and if need be hire a tutor or afterschool her on phonics. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Library Momma Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Are you sure that you are taking advantage of every service available to you for the child with Aspergers? I know two people with AS children in school and between the pull-outs and accommodations and I don't even think it would be possible for them to fail. If adequate services are not available to you I would definitely bring him home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LLMom Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 How are you now? You said how you were at the end of 2012. Is it still the same? Homeschooling while dealing with exhaustion and mental health issues is tough and very difficult with a special needs child. I am unclear if you are thinking of a change now or in the fall. If now, I would wait. I put my dc in school when I was completely spent and pulled 4 back out after the first semester. I now regret it. I didn't give it enough time. I would really take some time to reflect a lot on what is best for all of you especially you. Mom is just as important as the kids. I have put all of my children in school except my youngest who Is struggling with mild dyslexia. It isn't my ideal but my ideal and my reality don't match right now. I had been selfish for a number of years before I admitted they needed to go to school. As far as having a foot in both worlds, it is not really hard, but I am organized. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Walking-Iris Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 My oldest has Asperger's and he does well with homeschooling. I honestly feel he wouldn't in a public school situation, even with whatever paltry services they have here. (My Dh has subbed in our local middle and high school long enough for us to know that it wouldn't serve our ds at all). My advice would be to learn how to help your oldest. Smart But Scattered is a great book for helping you learn how to help him with executive functioning. Don't rule out medication for the anxiety or behavior issues. I have been anti meds for kids forever, but it has caused my ds to do a 180. You say your ds with Asperger's is difficult and hard to teach by anyone's standards...I don't feel that's very fair to a child with special needs. There *are* numerous ways to help these kids learn and grow. It may be that one needs to stop being a "teacher" and start scaffolding and facilitating and recognizing them as a child with certain interests and needs and going from there rather than trying to force a plan on them. But you have to have the confidence that you can do it. I know a ton of parents who homeschool while dealing with stress, anxiety, depression etc. Seriously---do you think public school teachers don't have stress or mental issues to work out? ;) Definitely take care of yourself first, but also know that every thing doesn't need to always smell of roses for homeschooling to work. In fact I doubt life will ever be 100% stress free. As far as college, that is hard. This fall I was taking 3 online classes. Pretty rigorous and assignment heavy science and math classes. I felt so stressed and fell behind with homeschooling. But I just persevered. I'm not taking any this semester or summer, and I'll take some in the Fall again because it's important to me to finish, but no way would I overload myself with a full college schedule all year long. Slow and steady will win the race, right? It might help to look for more open and go curricula. I'm changing up the way I usually do things now that I have a better idea what homeschooling while taking classes entails. I've always been pretty relaxed and loved making my own plans , often open ended. This time I really need lesson plans spelled out and scheduled and a just get'er done no nonsense plan that doesn't require a lot from me next year. From your original post I get the impression that for homeschooling to work you may need to scale back and reevaluate your expectations to prevent exhaustion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Your are your children's only mother. Take care of her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel TX Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Reading your post, it sounds like you've already made your decision. You can do it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jungle Mama Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Another Aussie here who did the same only I had a 4 year old and a 14 year old Aspie with 2 more in the middle for 2012. I burnt out, mainly mentally, due to the pressures from the youngest and the eldest. My 2 NT who were old enough for school went to school for 2013. They did ok. My younger one is getting a little "full of himself" because he realised he was put up a grade. I am not so sure this is good, especially as the older one of the two at school is struggling with spelling and writing. Having his brother rub it in doesn't help. This year I know we will likely be moving interstate so to give me a little bit more of a break for packing, cleaning etc I am putting all of the younger ones into school. I have liked their school environment. There are great teachers and the playground atmosphere has been good but I do see that they have "wasted" a lot more time than I thought a "professional teaching environment" would. I think I could do better at home again with challenging the "ahead" child and helping the "behind" child but I am going to wait until we have moved and resettled. To also make things a little easier I have paid a big chunk of money this year for a structured program for the teenager. He will have to be accountable to someone else for his work and I am hoping that really helps ease the tension there. I agree with the PP who said to write out your goals for your children and then decide if HS or PS fits them better. That has been a very big help for me. I know what I am going to do with the boys after school to reach those goals and what I will be talking to their teachers about. Good luck with your decision. Best wishes Jen in Oz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 I have a 9 y.o. Aspie, and he's difficult to teach in some ways, but a great deal of fun in others. No matter how the day goes, good or bad, he is a lot of work. :-) If I get to a point that I can't do both kids, I might send the littler to school. We'll see. The littler one has some quirks, but he would enjoy a classroom. My objection to school is the drive (no bus to the school where we'd send him) and dealing with teachers (so many of them are as inflexible as my Aspie, it seems). My psych is currently trying to get me to offload a subject or two onto a tutor, co-op, etc., but the hoops to do so with special needs assistance are as much work as pushing through right now. Doing it through a local co-op sounds like torture--other parents are not always understanding, and co-ops here are parent run. I do not see programs that look like a good fit. OTOH, our pysch has been very good about emphasizing that our goals with him right now should be working on helping him cope with the day-to-day ups and downs. (This may not be possible for you; I don't know. My son is also gifted, and while he's not significantly accelerated, we have a little give because he is above grade level in his testing.) If I were you, I would keep an open mind about having kids at home and at school simultaneously (even if it's a stepping stone to bringing them all home). Burnout is all too real--you can always take on more if you go half-way, but if you get burnt out again, that may limit your choices for ALL of your kids later because you've burned your own bridges in terms of personal resources. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsabelC Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 Thank you so much for your experiences, thoughts, and advice. Dh and I actually found it really helpful to evaluate education options according to our values and beliefs about family life etc; once we considered it all in that light, it soon became clear that home education is much better aligned with the way we are trying to bring up the kids. We have decided to bring ds10 home immediately (school over here goes back after long summer break in a couple weeks, so I have sent of my home ed paperwork yesterday and now just crossing my fingers that we get provisional approval in time). The girls are going back to school for the moment, with the plan of withdrawing them later in the year once I have had time to do some really good one-on-one with their brother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsabelC Posted January 29, 2014 Author Share Posted January 29, 2014 Well, I sent off the paperwork last week and today the state home ed authority advised that they will consider our application at their committee meeting tomorrow. I will be able to find out whether we have provisional registration on Monday. They hardly every knock anyone back, but I'm still anxious, need to :chillpill: ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lots of little ducklings Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 Yay! Cheering you on!! Sounds like a great decision. Let us know the outcome of the application process. A thousand happy-faces (if only I knew how to use emoticons on my mobile.) :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsabelC Posted March 13, 2014 Author Share Posted March 13, 2014 Update We are now up to week 6 of our new home schooling year. It took a little adjusting, but I think it's going to work out. Today ds did his 4 pages of math not only with no complaints, but actually happily! He sat there neatly writing the answers and occasionally saying "Oh look, this is really cool! I like this!". At the end he brought me his work and it was all correct. I commented on how well he did it today and asked why that might be. He just pointed to his mouth and gave a huge grin. I said "You're in a happy mood?". "Yes!". This is the kid who, a few weeks ago, was screaming, crying and throwing things at me when I asked him to do anything. So I think I can safely say he is happier at home. I feel very optimistic about him actually learning things and making progress this year :party: We have our home ed Monitoring Visit next week, and ds has agreed to bake cookies for the monitoring officer and show her the music he has composed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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