If you've had a traumatic birth/preemie experience...

[BakersDozen]

...then you know what I'm thinking and feeling as I head into the next 24-48 hours.  Two years.  Crazy.  Last year dh and I took the twins and went back to every place we were from the time they were born to when we brought them home.  We met with nurses and doctors, visited with Ronald McDonald house staff, and even went back to the place we had lunch at after leaving the NICU.  It was very healing. This year I'm not doing that as I can't handle the thought of going anywhere near a hospital or maternity ward (still miscarrying...2 months and counting...lovely).  I adore my little ones and am thankful that they survived, yet wow the emotions are still right there under the surface and these times bring it all back again.  

 

Anyway, that's it.  I know some of you understand.  Maybe it won't be as bad as it was last year.  I was a mess...a total mess.  Maybe I still am but just don't show it as much?

[unsinkable]

(((hugs))

 

I'm really sorry. I hope you find some healing.

[GoVanGogh]

My former preemie has been diagnosed with a rare form of CP, with me then being diagnosed with delayed PPD.

We had started occupational therapy at the facility linked to the hospital where my son was born and spent his early days. I couldn't take driving by the hospital every week and staring out the window of the therapy place, directly looking at the hospital. We changed to another therapy facility - we had other reasons to change - but that played heavily into it.

Wish I could say the preemie journey gets easier, but ours hasn't. Seems to go in waves with some seasons being easier than others.

 

OP, :grouphug:

[BakersDozen]

 

 

We had started occupational therapy at the facility linked to the hospital where my son was born and spent his early days. I couldn't take driving by the hospital every week and staring out the window of the therapy place, directly looking at the hospital. 

I have actually asked my dh more than once to please move to a different house as the hospital where I first went and was air-lifted from is just a mile from our house.  The helicopter takes off at least 2-3 times every day, and every time I feel myself tensing and fighting tears, especially if I hear it in the early morning hours.  I can't even look at the hospital as I drive by (which I try not to do - I take any alternative route I can).  I thought it would get easier...I really did.  But my brain seems to be stuck at that moment where I realized everything was going "wrong" and after that, nothing exists.  I never gave birth.  That's a strange realization and a very empty feeling.  

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

:grouphug: :grouphug:  I understand, though I have positive feelings about going back to the NICUs my babies have been in. We went to the reunion picnic back in CA every year and I'm sorry to be missing that now that we've moved. We became good friends with the moms of two kids who were next to ds4 the whole time. Writing the experiences out on my blog has really helped to just let it go emotionally for me. Once I've written and posted about a certain aspect it's like the emotions grow dimmer and they're not as close to the surface as they were before. Maybe that could help you?

[Samiam]

One of my preemie twins passed away at 11 days old from NEC.   My surviving twin is 10 now.   Life changed forever the day they were born, and then again the day my baby passed.   I survive, and I appreciate so many of the good things life brings.  That experience is one reason why we homeschool.   Prior to that, we were very mainstream..I worked, only DS went to daycare, then school at age 5.....our preemie experience brought all of that to a halt, because I didn't want to put him in daycare when he finally did come home at 3 months old.  I became a stay at home mommy.   Unhappy with our oldest DS's experience in 1st grade, we decided, in the heat of the moment,  to homeschool because I was already home anyway.   I also think I was in kind of a blur, emotional mess those first few years.  Not only going through the grief of losing a child, but the stress of keeping our surviving preemie healthy and all of the therapies and Dr's appointments he required those first few years, while still striving to keep life "normal" for our oldest DS.   

 

Overall, it's a heartbreaking, scarring experience.  I'm definately a different person.  We've moved from the town that we lived in during that life crisis so I don't have to worry about seeing the hospital (that's not WHY we moved).   I think that would be jarring every time.   Seeing boy twins in that 8-10 age range prick my heart.  Hearing about other families losing babies pricks my heart, more than just feeling for them, it floods back memories of that horrible time we went through.    My sister had a baby boy last year, and asked if she could name his middle name after my baby that passed.  I cried for a good hour.....I'm not normally a crier.    I'm tearing up as I type this.  This is the one thing that makes me cry every time.  Every time.

 

I understand your pain.  While I can stop and appreciate all the good that has happened in the last 10 years, it never truly takes that pain away.

Hugs.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

[BakersDozen]

 

 

One of my preemie twins passed away at 11 days old from NEC. 

I didn't find out what NEC was until after we were home.  I am glad I didn't know.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  :(  That your sister honored the memory of your son is beautiful.

[Guest moominvalley]

My preemie was born 11 weeks early. If you have a preemie, you know about the overwhelming medical burdens, therapy sessions, skewed perspectives. I remember trying to keep him from crying so that he wouldn't burn too many of the precious calories he was able to ingest. Just when all the terrible things recede far back in my memory, something, or seemingly nothing, will bring it painfully back. He was deemed "developmentally sound" at age 2. He is a healthy and happy 7 year old today. His birth experience never leaves him alone, though. His voice is quiet, raspy and high-pitched from intubation damage. He has trouble filtering sensory imput. He takes his time with developmental and educational milestones. So, we homeschool. When homeschooling becomes overwhelming, and I want to give it all up and send my kids back to public school, I know I can't, really. It is as though there is a rock in my family's life now. Solid and slow changing, it diverts our course or blocks our way. Knowing it is there challenges me to be stronger, smarter, kinder. It also makes me cry. I wish you all the best.

[redsquirrel]

I didn't experience a traumatic birth, as much as a birth at 32 weeks can be untraumatic, but I do empathize. My son is 13 and healthy and typical and I don't take that for granted for a moment. Not one moment. But, even so, I do understand. 

 

It will get better. It doesn't go away, but it will get better. I only think about it now on birthdays.

[courtney.byrum]

It definitely does get better with time but it can take a long time depending on how everything has gone since then. My DD was born 11 weeks early and went through NEC (thankfully caught early enough that it was non-surgical and she recovered) before finally coming home at 6.5 weeks. We were lucky with her and have never had issues since coming home other than illnesses hit her much harder than her brother. We had such a fantastic NICU that we never had issues going back but we moved away before she turned 1, now that we moved back I will have to bring her in one of the days to see my doc and maybe any nurses who are still there :)

[Liz CA]

I have actually asked my dh more than once to please move to a different house as the hospital where I first went and was air-lifted from is just a mile from our house.  The helicopter takes off at least 2-3 times every day, and every time I feel myself tensing and fighting tears, especially if I hear it in the early morning hours.  I can't even look at the hospital as I drive by (which I try not to do - I take any alternative route I can).  I thought it would get easier...I really did.  But my brain seems to be stuck at that moment where I realized everything was going "wrong" and after that, nothing exists.  I never gave birth.  That's a strange realization and a very empty feeling.  

 

What you are describing sounds like something that needs to be dealt with in a counseling situation as well.

Have you ever considered this? It sounds like PTSD. I know it's easy to gloss over it but you may not be doing yourself or your family a favor by ignoring it.

[FO4UR]

:grouphug:

 

 

My 8mo gave me a traumatic birth story. I posted it here.  It is healing to talk about it.

 

 

My dd does have brain damage, but we have not yet seen it manifest in any way. Parenting her is just different. 

[Aspasia]

I had a 24-weeker seven years ago. We actually chose to take him off the machines five days after he was born. At the time it seemed like the "right" thing to do, and even now I believe I felt some degree of peace as I held him and his heart stopped beating.

 

But I regret that decision. If I could go back, I never would have let those doctors bully me into letting him go. I actually have a terrible, terrible time hearing other people's preemie success stories--about how tiny their baby was and the doctors said he would have this and that wrong with him, but he's 8 now and a perfectly healthy little boy. It's very, very bad for me to hear things like that. I go into my "dark place" where I accuse myself of basically aborting my son and blah, blah, blah. It's bad. The experience destroyed me, destroyed my faith (see the link to my blog below--I talk about it under the "My Story" tab). My sister-in-law's sister-in-law, who I only see at our nieces' and nephews' birthday parties, was due around the same time as me and I literally can't ever see her son without going to my dark place. Incidentally, I avoid her like the plague. It's sad and ridiculous, but for some reason, that little boy is more heavily associated with my son than any other child on the planet.

 

So yeah, I have a lot of problems surrounding my preemie experience.  My heart goes out to anyone who has to relive theirs. :grouphug:

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:  :crying:  :grouphug:

[mom2samlibby]

What you are describing sounds like something that needs to be dealt with in a counseling situation as well.

Have you ever considered this? It sounds like PTSD. I know it's easy to gloss over it but you may not be doing yourself or your family a favor by ignoring it.

 

I agree with this.

 

I had a preemie at 33 weeks.  My water broke and my doctor was out of town.  The one that ended up delivering him was awful.  He spent 19 days in the NICU, while I was dismissed the next day.  However, he doing well.   Growing like a week.  

 

I don't dwell on it and I don't see it as some terrible, awful situation.  When his birthday rolls around, I don't even think about his birth or that experience.  I just enjoy celebrating him. So, I guess I don't totally understand . . . 

[chiguirre]

What you are describing sounds like something that needs to be dealt with in a counseling situation as well.

Have you ever considered this? It sounds like PTSD. I know it's easy to gloss over it but you may not be doing yourself or your family a favor by ignoring it.

I think Liz is right. Trinqueta's birth was very traumatic and she came home, got sick and had to return to the NICU. But, by her first birthday I had left the anxiety behind. I had PPD after all three kids and so I started on estrogen patches as soon as I could after T's birth and I think that helped a lot. If you're still this affected by your twins' birth 2 years later, I think you should seek help.

[Aspasia]

 

 

I don't dwell on it and I don't see it as some terrible, awful situation.  When his birthday rolls around, I don't even think about his birth or that experience.  I just enjoy celebrating him. So, I guess I don't totally understand . . . 

 

This seems kind of insensitive. If you can't relate or don't understand what op is getting at, maybe just don't respond? But to say, "Yeah, I had the same experience, but it didn't affect me the way it affected you, so I don't understand what your problem is".... Not helpful.

[Tap]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: I recently  had to visit a hospital that I lost a pgy at 22 weeks in.  We were in the same  office suites just a floor up from the rooms where I lost her.  I hadn't been to that hospital in 15 years, but it was astounding how much flooded back from those 2 days.  

 

There  are somethings that hurt so deep, that just a little memory of is still so overwhelming that it still rocks us to the core. When the residual pain is still so overwhelming.... just from a memory, it makes me realize, just how much pain I was under at the catalyst.

[mom2samlibby]

This seems kind of insensitive. If you can't relate or don't understand what op is getting at, maybe just don't respond? But to say, "Yeah, I had the same experience, but it didn't affect me the way it affected you, so I don't understand what your problem is".... Not helpful.

 

But, I can relate.  I did have a traumatic birth.  I did have a preemie experience.  My son spent 19 days in the NICU.   I didn't hold him for a week.   I left the hospital without taking my baby home.  I do understand that part.  

 

I guess my point was that maybe the OP needs to refocus her feelings.  Yes, it sounds like she had a terrible birth experience.  She didn't elaborate about it, nor expand on their NICU experience, so I don't know how it was.  I only know my experience.  However, she has two babies that came from this experience.  Based on other posts, I believe they are growing and healthy.  I would focus on the joy of having them (and her other children) and not how awful their birth was.  

 

There is a television personality that used to live in my area that has since moved to a different area.  She struggled for years with infertility.  She finally became pregnant with triplets and they were born extremely prematurely.  Two have since passed away. I can't imagine the pain that she is going through, yet she is rejoicing each day for the days that she had with the one and that the remaining daughter is gaining and growing each day.  http://www.wandtv.com/story/17112301/staceys-blog.  I've been amazed following her how much joy she has had over her experience, which is why I agreed with the other poster that maybe the OP does need to seek some help in dealing with the twin's birth and her subsequent miscarriages.