Tell me what's normal behavior for your teen

[gardenmom5]

I had four go through teen years, so I didn't try to do the poll.  only one was abnormally volatile.  that has now been determined to be a catastrophically low (her dr's words) level of vitamin d3.  healthy is a MINIMUM of 30, her's was 9 or 10.  7 is rickets territory.  she doesn't absorb d3, and must use drops with something else added to assist absorption.

because of the way cells use it (and a few other things) the medical establishment has it under review to be reclassified as a hormone.  (2dd got that lecture in one of her pharm classes.)

[Tap]

I would look at getting an evaluation done.  Sometimes the kid needs counseling, sometimes the parent needs to learn a different way to parent, and sometimes they both need a little help.  

 

There are so many things that can be a biological cause, that she really should be seen by a PCP and have a full medical work up with some blood tests. In the mean time, I would schedule with a counselor to be seen.  It can take a while to get into a mental health provider and if she is acting out to this extent it can be very useful to have someone else talk to her.  She could be acting out about something going on that she needs help solving, that she doesn't want to talk to you about.  She could have a diagnosis that needs to be worked on.  She could just need some advice on handling the normal emotions of growing up and seeing the world isn't as rosy as when we were 4yo.  

 

Parenting classes are great  to learn different techniques that you may have never thought of.  It can also be a great place to get validation, that you are already doing everything right and you really need some help coming up with some new ideas.  It can help you feel empowered and not quite so alone in the struggle to raise  child who needs a bit more parenting than the average child. 

 

Sometimes, counseling together, if even just for a few sessions, can help clear the air and set some boundaries.

 

Some people really just seem to feel the world around them more vividly and act out more substantially.  It isn't a right or wrong feeling, but no matter what they need to learn to express those emotions more appropriately and find ways to let out their physical energy in a healthy and happy manner.

[Tap]

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[Parrothead]

Dd hasn't had a temper tantrum since she was two and a half. We don't raise our voices and we try to maintain the peace of the household. We are both very non-hormonal women. No bad behavior at odd times during the month.

[flopsymopsy]

I have 4 kids but only one is teenage. He is easy going and compliant....so I vote based on my teen. However, my second born child(preteen), does tantrum:(. It is exhausting. He was in counseling for a period of time and she based his behaviors on anxiety. He has develops some coping skills through counseling but he slips back in old behaviors pretty quickly. Its something we constantly work on.

[Joyofsixreboot]

On my knees thanking the Good Lord mine have a tiff maybe once a month which is usually over in about 10 minutes.  I,on the other hand, seem to be perpetually 14.

[fairfarmhand]

I would look at getting an evaluation done.  Sometimes the kid needs counseling, sometimes the parent needs to learn a different way to parent, and sometimes they both need a little help.  

 

There are so many things that can be a biological cause, that she really should be seen by a PCP and have a full medical work up with some blood tests. In the mean time, I would schedule with a counselor to be seen.  It can take a while to get into a mental health provider and if she is acting out to this extent it can be very useful to have someone else talk to her.  She could be acting out about something going on that she needs help solving, that she doesn't want to talk to you about.  She could have a diagnosis that needs to be worked on.  She could just need some advice on handling the normal emotions of growing up and seeing the world isn't as rosy as when we were 4yo.  

 

Parenting classes are great  to learn different techniques that you may have never thought of.  It can also be a great place to get validation, that you are already doing everything right and you really need some help coming up with some new ideas.  It can help you feel empowered and not quite so alone in the struggle to raise  child who needs a bit more parenting than the average child. 

 

Sometimes, counseling together, if even just for a few sessions, can help clear the air and set some boundaries.

 

Some people really just seem to feel the world around them more vividly and act out more substantially.  It isn't a right or wrong feeling, but no matter what they need to learn to express those emotions more appropriately and find ways to let out their physical energy in a healthy and happy manner.

 

This is what I have come to understand about this dd. It's like her emotions are ramped up to 500%. What would be disappointing to most people is crushing to her. She reacts to missing out on an activity like its a tragedy of epic proportion. Then when we try to help her gain perspective or calm her down, she reacts with extreme anger.

My older dd admitted when she was almost 18 that she COULD behave herself when she didn't feel like it, but that she saved that good behavior for people outside the family. She told me, "When I'm not happy there is no reason for anyone else in the family to be happy either." She had "sulks" that lasted for days, including banging on furniture and once, throwing her cell phone at me so hard it left a bruise that lasted for several days. I responded to that by dropping her cell phone into a pot of boiling water that I had on the stove for spaghetti. No, I never replaced the cell phone, lol. Some people feed off the power of making other people unhappy. I do think that OP's dd has a problem more serious than that, because in the case of my oldest I learned to be happy no matter how she was acting, after the cell phone incident I actually still went to a karate class and had fun with my friends, and she became disempowered and calmed down. I do not thing that will work for the OP.

 

This is what happens with my dd. Everyone out of our family says, "You know I just can't picture that out of her. I've never imagined that she would act that way." I've had to emotionally distance myself from her because she is so negative and angry that I can't empathize all the time because it is too draining. Then of course, I am accused of not caring.

When I say meltdown, I mean dramatic, intense, over the top emotional reaction  to not getting your way.

 

But when you stay calm and don't engage and the child follows you around screaming at you...what do you do then? I can send her to her room, but she's as big as I am. What happens when she won't go. I have gone to my room and locked the door, only to have her scream at me through the door. Or she will unlock the door with screw driver and come in anyhow.

 

By the way, these types of meltdowns, where she's stalking me through the house screaming are the extreme ones. She has those 4-5 times a year. The other ones are less intense, but no less crazy.

[TammyinTN]

My girls were into the whole door slamming, eye rolling, raising your voice thing when they were teens.  They also were in public school until late middle school and had very different influences than our son.    They wanted drama, but we never wavered in what we expected.   Our son is now 15 and has never had the influences that our girls had.  He's calm and very respectful.  Rarely gets upset and has never slammed a door, spoken loudly or treated us with any disrespect.   It's a whole different world for us this round. 

[Chris in VA]

Had a hard time w/ middle son. Lots of meltdowns, arguments, etc. Sub abuse and some MI involved. It was awful. I felt so helpless. Your line about taking things away, her being bigger, etc. brought it all back. I know that feeling.

 

 

Dear FFH, I think you really need to investigate family therapy to figure things out--starts w an eval. Imo, getting help needs to include rebuilding the relationship. Everybody is the problem; patterns of interaction get established and it is so wonderful to find help in breaking free of them.

 

No judgement here, honey. None at all. <3

[Alenee]

So far, I only have one teenager and she's very mild-tempered. If she has a meltdown, it's crying because of the need for sleep or some fear about new things coming up. She's usually over it very quickly with some talking and hugs. The other two girls I expect will give me a run for my money. The mother's curse worked and I have one just like me. :)

[sassenach]

I answered this poll as if "melt down" means argument/disagreement that escalates to the point that my dd doesn't handle it well.  Every couple of months she will have an overly emotional response (definitely PMS connected), and if I handle it well it diffuses.  If I don't, we end up in a full scale argument.  She never just melts down all on her own.  

[gardenmom5]

This is what I have come to understand about this dd. It's like her emotions are ramped up to 500%. What would be disappointing to most people is crushing to her. She reacts to missing out on an activity like its a tragedy of epic proportion. Then when we try to help her gain perspective or calm her down, she reacts with extreme anger.

 

This is what happens with my dd. Everyone out of our family says, "You know I just can't picture that out of her. I've never imagined that she would act that way." I've had to emotionally distance myself from her because she is so negative and angry that I can't empathize all the time because it is too draining. Then of course, I am accused of not caring.

By the way, these types of meltdowns, where she's stalking me through the house screaming are the extreme ones. She has those 4-5 times a year. The other ones are less intense, but no less crazy.

you know, maybe it's just my "mean streak" showing (and it could just escalate things) but have you every tried videotaping her when she's having a stalking tantrum?  dh would do something similar with the extremely volatile teen.  it would end up making said teen laugh and break the mood.  I never had the mental energy for it.

I have a child who as a toddler/preschooler was extremely difficult.  those who know her now, can't believe the descriptions of what she was like then.  at least she was a relatively easy teen.

 

I answered this poll as if "melt down" means argument/disagreement that escalates to the point that my dd doesn't handle it well.  Every couple of months she will have an overly emotional response (definitely PMS connected), and if I handle it well it diffuses.  If I don't, we end up in a full scale argument.  She never just melts down all on her own.  

to me - melt-down means the child has handled something very poorly, and is out of control.  when the two of mine would get that out of control (one's an aspie), they didn't like it - but they were unable to maintain control.  the melt-down has to either run it's course, or something outside of the child has to break the mood for them to begin to restore control.

[mamatohaleybug]

I raised one teenager (a family member) who had meltdowns like you are describing. He was also in and out of psychiatric hospitals because of severe rapid-cycling bipolar disorder (among other issues) and frequent talk of suicide (including one attempt). Eventually, he had to leave our home. Very, very, VERY tough situation.

 

My DD also has meltdowns of epic proportions but she isn't a teen and has a brain injury. Things are getting better as she gets older but it's been rough.

 

I would definitely advise seeking help at this point. You and the rest of the family can only take so much. Dealing with these kinds of behaviors is incredibly exhausting, emotionally, physically and mentally. Big hugs from me.

[fairfarmhand]

I just wanted to give an update on the situation.

 

Dh and I have talked about this two separate times. The first time, he wasn't so sure his attitude was, "Umm...when is being stubborn and obnoxious a mental issue?" He is struggling because her negatives are mound up in their relationship so as to drown out the positives. It's not easy living the way we are living right now.  It's frustrating that we have the same conversations over and over about the same behaviors and nothing changes.

 

But last night, we talked some more. I think he's beginning to see that this is more than just stubborn and obnoxious. Something is...off.... I told him how in the past week I have changed the way that I've thought about my dd. Instead of seeing her behavior as either mom is a terrible mom or my dd is a strange, evil person, I am looking at it as "my dd has issues. Poor thing. It must stink to feel at the mercy of your feelings all the time. It must stink to be unknowingly communicating so much negativity to those around you and being stunned when they react poorly. "  I am able to step aside and not take these behaviors personally. Which has improved my management of the situations that we find ourselves in.

 

As far as concrete action, I am starting to research and learn.  I want to be educated on the possibilities so that the professionals that we consult won't be talking over my head and I can communicate clearly the issues we are facing. Next week, I plan on making an appointment with our GP to have some bloodwork done to rule out any physical problems that may be causing this. We have several gifted counselors in our circle that we can trust with our dd or at least, we trust their judgements and recommendations of other professionals.

 

My dd found one of my Google searches on the computer. It was for "teen mental health."  She said, "Mom, do you think I am crazy?" I answered, ":No, but I am concerned about the way that you handle life. The way that you fall apart when things don't go your way is not normal. Most people don't do that as regularly as you do nor to the extremes that you do." It was like a light bulb went off in her head. She said. "Really? Most people aren't like this?" I guess it's never occurred to her that the majority of folks don't  meltdown on multiple occasions through the month. Later, she said, "You know I am a teenager." I shared with her that out of all the moms that I knew, there are none of them who have dealt with things like her dad and I have had to deal with in regards to her even in the teenage years.

 

Anyway, I appreciate all the feed back. I know this is not going to be an easy fix. However, I feel better knowing that there are probably things that we can do to help.

[texasmama]

I just wanted to give an update on the situation.

 

Dh and I have talked about this two separate times. The first time, he wasn't so sure his attitude was, "Umm...when is being stubborn and obnoxious a mental issue?" He is struggling because her negatives are mound up in their relationship so as to drown out the positives. It's not easy living the way we are living right now.  It's frustrating that we have the same conversations over and over about the same behaviors and nothing changes.

 

But last night, we talked some more. I think he's beginning to see that this is more than just stubborn and obnoxious. Something is...off.... I told him how in the past week I have changed the way that I've thought about my dd. Instead of seeing her behavior as either mom is a terrible mom or my dd is a strange, evil person, I am looking at it as "my dd has issues. Poor thing. It must stink to feel at the mercy of your feelings all the time. It must stink to be unknowingly communicating so much negativity to those around you and being stunned when they react poorly. "  I am able to step aside and not take these behaviors personally. Which has improved my management of the situations that we find ourselves in.

 

As far as concrete action, I am starting to research and learn.  I want to be educated on the possibilities so that the professionals that we consult won't be talking over my head and I can communicate clearly the issues we are facing. Next week, I plan on making an appointment with our GP to have some bloodwork done to rule out any physical problems that may be causing this. We have several gifted counselors in our circle that we can trust with our dd or at least, we trust their judgements and recommendations of other professionals.

 

My dd found one of my Google searches on the computer. It was for "teen mental health."  She said, "Mom, do you think I am crazy?" I answered, ":No, but I am concerned about the way that you handle life. The way that you fall apart when things don't go your way is not normal. Most people don't do that as regularly as you do nor to the extremes that you do." It was like a light bulb went off in her head. She said. "Really? Most people aren't like this?" I guess it's never occurred to her that the majority of folks don't  meltdown on multiple occasions through the month. Later, she said, "You know I am a teenager." I shared with her that out of all the moms that I knew, there are none of them who have dealt with things like her dad and I have had to deal with in regards to her even in the teenage years.

 

Anyway, I appreciate all the feed back. I know this is not going to be an easy fix. However, I feel better knowing that there are probably things that we can do to help.

Bravo, mama!  You are handling this with wisdom and grace.  I believe you will get to a good place, find help as you seek it, and your dd will be much the better for it, as will your family.  Lots of support and kudos for the measured way you are going about this!

[Amy in NH]

I think I can remember once that one of my teens had a meltdown type of argument with me and it lasted more than 5 minutes.  We have rational discussions.

[torikei]

Well, yes - teenagers are different. Calvin was a very biddable child. We went through a year during his teens when he could barely speak to us because he found us so irritating. I could see the enormous effort it took for him to be just about civil to us. I could almost see his muscles straining as he attempted to talk normally. I had never previously actually seen someone talk through gritted teeth.

 

And then it passed. And he's lovely.

 

L

.

 

I've seen this in my boys. :-) You described it perfectly.

[J-rap]

Sorry you are going through that. That must be very difficult!

 

Most of my children have never had a melt-down or a temper tantrum. ONE of them does have melt-downs though, but not out of anger; they are out of stress. She is kind of a perfectionist. She tends to over-involve herself, although most of the time that's not a problem. About 4 times/year, however, she reaches her limit and has a melt-down. It usually lasts about half an hour. Usually she'll call me and get it all out, and I can't get a word in edgewise. But then slowly I can talk her down and help walk her through it all. Then she's back on her feet again. She usually does need someone to step in and help talk her down, if not me, then a grandparent or an aunt.

 

She was very sensitive as a young child; it was just in her nature.

 

It sounds like your daughter has always been the way she is. I'm not a professional in this area, but if it's become a problem for both you and her, I wouldn't hesitate to take her to a counselor, perhaps a behavioral therapist. They can help her gain a better understanding of what leads to her tantrums/melt-downs, and help her find a way to take her emotions down a different path instead. Helping her learn to take control of her emotions will certainly help her in the long-run -- in college, in her career, in her marriage, in life! She (and you) shouldn't be embarrassed to see a professional in order to get help with this.

 

It might be an underlying disorder, or it might just be an extreme type of personality/sensitivity or maybe she is just a little high-strung. In any case, I think if she were my daughter I would want to help equip her with a method of controlling her emotions and reactions, with the long-term goal of helping her live a more peaceful life. I figure my main job as a parent is to equip my children to be healthy and happy adults, which is how they will live most of their lives (as independent adults).