competitive parents who get on your nerves... how to deal with them?

[mathnerd]

My area is filled with tiger parent wannabes. They are from families with both working parents, multiple kids and no time to monitor or stimulate their kids after school. So, their shortest path to afterschooling is to interrogate parents they perceive as having good ideas about their child's development and then imitating them without any research or desire on their part to follow those paths. I am especially plagued by a few of these families who make a beeline for me at pick up and drop off times every single day (cannot avoid them even if I wanted to) and start asking questions about what curriculum I follow for science, math, music and what my child's accomplishment is in each sport that he participates in, what camps my child would attend in summer, what museums I take my child to etc. And lo and behold, they are doing the exact same thing a few weeks later (and would you know it, they thought of these bright ideas all by themselves!). I don't mind sharing the info as I am happy when another child benefits from my research. But, I am an introvert and really do not want to incessantly answer volleys of questions about my choices while standing on a sidewalk. How do I avoid them? Our school does not have a parking lot and I need to walk to pick up and drop off my child - hence the daily interaction with people I would rather not deal with.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

You need to work up some scripts.

 

"Hi! How are you? In a hurry to pickup junior today, I can't talk much, hope you have a great day..."

 

"What camp is he going to? Hmm, not sure, so many options. Are your dc going to camp?"

 

"What math curriculum do we use? Oh, anything that looks like it will fill in the gaps."

 

"What is his level in TKD? He's progressing really well, I'm really glad to see his increased skills and confidence. Martial arts are great for kids."

 

Vague, vague, vague. Turn tables to get them to talk about their family, instead. And keep moving. IMO

[mathnerd]

You need to work up some scripts.

 

"Hi! How are you? In a hurry to pickup junior today, I can't talk much, hope you have a great day..."

 

"What camp is he going to? Hmm, not sure, so many options. Are your dc going to camp?"

 

"What math curriculum do we use? Oh, anything that looks like it will fill in the gaps."

 

"What is his level in TKD? He's progressing really well, I'm really glad to see his increased skills and confidence. Martial arts are great for kids."

 

Vague, vague, vague. Turn tables to get them to talk about their family, instead. And keep moving. IMO

 

Thanks for this great response! I am off to work up some scripts :) I especially love "anything that looks like it will fill in the gaps" - I am too earnest and take every question at face value and try to answer it to the best of my knowledge.

"Vague" will take some quick thinking on my feet and habit training, but I will work on it!

[JNW]

Put a cell phone up to your ear every time you're around them. Smile and wave. Or don't make eye contact. Do what you gotta do. How irritating!

[Crimson Wife]

Tell them to read TWTM.

[WTMCassandra]

My snarky answer is that I would print up business cards with your title as "Afterschool Consultant" and print your email address on them, as well as your hourly fee ; ). Then hand them out when people ask and brightly say, "Feel free to email me!"

[Uff Da!]

Being an afterschooling consultant sounds like fun. LOL. I would work for fancy coffee (meaning they treat me at a coffee shop for our consulting time). :)

 

I think telling them to read TWTM book is a good idea. Maybe keep them far from the forums if they annoy you.

[sassenach]

I read your first sentence and glanced at your location. I had a feeling you were in my neck of the woods. I like the suggestions above (cell phone would really work). Because we homeschool, I don't get as many inquiries as you. People don't want to hear about all that. I can totally see how an afterschooler would get pummeled.

[Arcadia]

My lawyer girlfriend said her standard response is "I charge $50 just to start talking". It frightened all the door salesman and telemarketers away. I'm used to tiger parents. I'm also an introvert that refuse to talk unless I am in the mood so they will get polite silence from me and back off. The nice parents, I just tell them I have eccentric kids which is not a lie. Most just ask because they want to know how "far ahead" my kids are.

[Spy Car]

Personally, I'm glad to help people help their children, if I can.

 

Bill

 

 

[ebunny]

Personally, I'm glad to help people help their children, if I can.

 

Bill

 

 

I agree.

 

If the parents' intention is only to compare their child v/s mine, or to force their child into a similar path, I give very vague answers, like the suggestions in PPs.

 

If they're just looking for ideas, I'm game!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[mathnerd]

Thanks for all your responses. It was just a vent because I was feeling a little hunted today on the sidewalk with a few of the neighborhood tiger mom wannabes giving me the third degree. As I said, I need to keep my wits around me to be vague or snarky or witty - so I need some practice time. I love the consultant + coffee wage idea, especially if I could consult by email. I might actually point them to TWTM website and let them explore on their own.

 

Personally, I'm glad to help people help their children, if I can.

 

Bill

 

 

Bill, I do agree with you. As I said earlier, I am too earnest a person and am used to oversharing any and all info/ideas that I have regarding a child's academic and overall development. There are nice parents who are genuinely looking for help for their kids and then there are the parents whose only purpose is to compare. Comparison is bad and when done openly and not in a nice way, it kills a small child's self confidence. Every child is unique and not all of them have to work on accelerated academics or extra curriculars because someone else decided to go that way for their kids. It gets ridiculous and even a little sad when little Johnny is compared with little Timmy just to make sure that little Johnny never missed a single item on the checklist of accelerated academics and accelerated extra curriculars. Case in point, poor Johnny was led kicking and screaming to a weekly 45 minute private piano lesson and a monthly 30 minute master piano class just because little Timmy's mom takes him to them. Poor Johnny excels at T-ball and would rather be practicing at the ballpark and would like to never see a piano for the rest of his life! Another case in point is when someone asks what kind of math "drilling curriculum" do you use to make little Timmy solve 30 mental math problems in under 8 minutes while little Johnny cannot finish all of them - this info was gleaned by the asker by giving little Johnny the 3rd degree at home! These are the parents that I cannot deal with ...

[MBM]

I like the idea of making yourself a consultant. Maybe you could write a booklet that you could sell.

 

I also like the idea of telling them to read TWTM or The Educated Child.

[SKL]

I guess I'm not really sure what the problem is. Even if you're an introvert, at least this is something easy to talk about, right? So what if they imitate? Isn't that the highest form of flattery? Is it necessary that they give you credit? I would just give them the briefest possible answer if it bothers you that much.

[SKL]

As a mom whose daughter struggles to keep up with the [somewhat advanced] math her school teaches, I look for resources and ask for advice. I hope nobody thinks it is obnoxious that I want my child to be able to get through 2nd grade without tears and very late nights. Gosh.

[Spy Car]

Remember Kindergarten (particularly) is the year when even the best intentioned parents are putting their children "out into the world" and many of these parents will have no other point of reference, other than comparing their children (and their children's experiences) to others.

 

Will some parents come off seeming too needy or overly competitive? Probably. But life is often stressful today, and people often grasp for answers. Turning to parents they think "have it going on" is not an unusual response, and you really should be flattered.

 

Also know that being in a school where K parents seem a little "overly concerned" is a far better position to be in than being at a school where parents are indifferent. Count yourself blessed.

 

I can also say I might have been "that" parent, clutching for advice. We did T-ball, and will be running out to a piano lesson tonight. I happened to find a marvelous piano teacher in Kindergarten by serendipity when we met at a party at just the moment we were looking for a teacher. But my wife and I had been planning on "working" our school network to find a good teacher, because that's the way the world often works. You use your network.

 

The year is almost over. In my experience things settle down after Kindergarten. Children (and parents) find their grooves. You might wish for the days when more parents looked for advice.

 

I see you are using Miquon and Singapore. If you only turn one or two families on to this approach you will have done something valuable. I'm sure you understand that, or you would not have been so open on the first place.

 

Summer is almost here. Keep perspective. Helping people is better than taking fake phone-calls.

 

Bill

[SKL]

When my kids moved to their present school, I took pains to make arrangements so their piano teacher could provide after-school lessons at the school and advertise this service to other families. When I signed my kids up for a nonprofit camp that many cannot afford, I contributed a donation for two more kids' tuition. I recommend The Little Gym to all kinds of people based partly on the fact that you can have your kids in unlimited classes and only pay for a maximum of 3 per family. For that matter, I've done volunteer tutoring of about 100 kids, never knowing I'd someday have a kid who needs help. I do realize that some kids will rise above my kids in some areas because of this, but who cares? I really don't care. If my kids are the smartest, they will be in the gifted programs. If they are the most athletic, they will get on the exhibition team. If not, the important thing is that they keep learning. Does anyone really care in the long run who did what in primary school? I've never been asked about that in a job interview. ... My kids tell me of some classmates who are really great at math or reading. I do find that interesting to know, but I just keep reminding my girls that we all have different strengths. I guess having two daughters with such diverse strengths themselves gives me a different view about all of this. Then again, maybe I'm too laid back. The other day my Indian friend said that she was surprised at how laid back I am about my kids' education - knowing that my 6yo is up working on school until 10 or 10:30 most nights. She clarified that she meant I'm OK with my kids not being "first in class." (Which wouldn't be possible anyway, considering I have two kids in the same class, LOL.)

[Uff Da!]

The comparisons would really bother me. We compare on these boards notes on what works for different types of learners and so forth. I think that is different than comparing for the sake of being competitive and blind to each child's strengths and weaknesses. Those comparisons hurt kids and parents. If a parent really did want help, I would be happy to help but over a cup of coffee- not in the rush and chaos of picking up kids. I would hate for another family to blindly emulate what we do in our house because it might not be a good fit.

 

There is a bit of trickery and dishonesty in asking someone what camps they signed their kids up for so you can sign yours up for the same camp. It would be better if they were honest about asking for suggestions and help. Maybe Ashleysf ask them if they are looking for ideas for their kids. It takes the dishonesty out of it and puts the focus on their children, not yours.

 

Heigh Ho- I was wondering what you meant by prosecuting. I am so sad that there are parents that would do such a thing. I remember a crazy competitive mom from my childhood, and believe it. I have a hard time understanding it.

[wapiti]

FWIW, it seems to me that interactions with other parents tend to involve a lot more comparing when kids are in K than when they're in late elementary. Nervous about the future, I guess! I know I was.

Edited January 12, 2016 by wapiti

[SKL]

There is a bit of trickery and dishonesty in asking someone what camps they signed their kids up for so you can sign yours up for the same camp.

 

Maybe they would like their kids to go to a camp where not everyone is a stranger? Maybe they'd like to foster a friendship over the summer? I dunno.

[JNW]

The OP can correct me if I'm wrong but this is what I sense:

 

1. The OP feels as if she's being bombarded by people who are just using her to get information. As an introvert myself I can relate to this feeling. It's like, "Oh no! Here comes Susan, What do I do???" Maybe some people have a hard time relating to that feeling. I think the OP was simply asking for some strategies to deal with this dilemma.

 

2. The parents seem to be looking for an easy way out. It's the rude delivery- the drive-by "What's the best camp to send my kid to? Make it quick!" and "Wait, let me write that down because I have so many millions of other things on my mind right now, I know I won't remember. OK, off to ballet, chess club, kayaking, and Japanese!"

 

2. The school climate/culture is very competitive, and the parents are too busy/lazy to put the hard work into finding opportunities for their kids.

 

3. The OP is happy to "help children," but when the motives of the parents are more about competitiveness than the actual good of the child, it rubs her the wrong way. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and even guess that the OP likes to help children. :)

 

Please no attacking.

[Uff Da!]

SKL-

I don't personally know the people Ashley is referring to so I am inclined to think her perception of them is correct as she has been dealing with them all year. They could be well intentioned people that are not relating to other parents well or are nervous, or they could be aggressively pursuing a competitive stance. I don't know. Unless it is said out right, "I want my kid to see classmates over the summer so he has friends next year" or "I am looking for enrichment opportunities for my kid" and so forth- Its up to the OP to either follow her gut perceptions, what she observes, or question the parents on their intent. There are other options I am sure.

 

I guess it illustrates why being open and honest when asking other parents for information is important. That stating intent is important.

 

Sorry friends about the abrupt, poor writing style and typos. I am on my phone and I'm not a proficient phone writer.

[SKL]

Of course I'm not there, but to me it just sounds like small talk. Maybe it's a regional difference. And I don't understand what's wrong with not wanting to re-invent the wheel if other people have already looked into some things. I mean, yeah, do your own research too, but if someone you respect is signed up for something, that is useful information. At least you know it probably isn't complete hooey. There are a lot of options out there, and they all sound so wonderful (and cost so much). How else does one get comfortable signing up if getting feedback from other users is taboo? ... Etiquette and feelings aside, how would you complete this sentence: "I don't want to tell you what my kids are doing this summer because ______." My suspicion is that the person who is unwilling to share has a competitive streak of her own. .... PS, I am an extreme introvert IRL, and I'm inclined to be happy if someone comes up with a conversation topic so I don't have to.

[Arcadia]

Of course I'm not there, but to me it just sounds like small talk. Maybe it's a regional difference.

 

 

There is a cutthroat, pick your brains mentality among some parents here. There are nice ones of course who are genuinely asking. However, if the parents are hyper competitive to the extent of getting on someone's nerves, it can be emotionally draining. I've seen backstabbing by competitive parents occur at the gym my kids used to go. The kids are elemenatary school age and in competitive gym classes. Here kids go to academic competitive preschool so the kindergarten parents are season veterans at being competitive. It actually gets nastier at each grade level.

 

On the brighter side, I had mommies who asked me where my kids are going for summer camp because they want help with getting their kids home if they can't pick them up. Preferably drive their kids there too.

[mathnerd]

Thanks for all the comments. It is interesting to see all the different takes on my posts. My vent is about parents, and definitely not about the poor kids involved. I volunteer to teach for 3 hours every week in my local PS (despite working and afterschooling and all else going on in my life) - and I work with kids that are not my own during that time, so I am not aggressively pursuing and competing for the betterment of just my child :)

 

SKL, I am filling in the blank for you ...

"I don't want to tell you what my kids are doing this summer because your kid does not like music theory and cannot play basketball all day long, so I don't want you to make your child unhappy by putting him in music composition camp and all day basketball camps (in 100 degree weather too) just because I did it. I want you to do what needs to be done for your child, not make him follow my child around everywhere. It is unproductive and unhealthy for your child!". As you said, there are so many options out there, why not do some thinking, research, calling around and figuring what those options are? And, why not ask their own kid what camps they would love to go to for summer, that would be a nice change.

[SKL]

I guess I'm glad I live where I live, and don't take my kids to competitive activities as yet. :) I do see some competitiveness for sure, but it isn't enough to bother me. Like others have said, it seems to peak around pre-K / KG, during which time my kids' extras were all done at daycare with no parents around. :) I'm sorry some of you have to deal with such unpleasantness, and deal with kids who are victims of same.

[SKL]

Though I will admit that my kids think it's obnoxious of me to have signed them up for math camp. :D

[mathnerd]

I would not be satisfied with an in-school disciplinary action should bodily harm or property damage happen after grade 5. I would be going the legal route to recoup my expenses and to see the justice was served. The mashup that happened here when the public school converted to full inclusion was not pretty; fortunately there were enough cases district wide that my principal decided not to be next in court and squashed the nasties here. It involved academic privacy, and it involved tossing out nosy parent volunteers.

 

I'm finding these crazy competitive parents are a bit desperate. Rather than work and save for college, they are gunning for positioning for val or sal and figuring on knocking off the competition in order to get a full ride somewhere.Their kids are generally known as posers; well connected politically, honors everything, officers of clubs, high grades thanks to extra credit, but unable to score high on the SAT or make it to state level in anything despite extensive private tutoring. These days they are quite busy advocating for cutting any courses that highly gifted students would excel at...you know AP or CC anything science or math.

Wow. Heigh Ho, I am so happy that my child is still in elementary school after reading this post. In my state (Cal) the top few percentile of students from each public high school can get admitted to state colleges (some of them are highly coveted) - so I have heard (anecdotally, from coworkers) that there is a lot of one-upmanship, knocking off competitors by fair or foul means, copying what the top students do blindly etc at that level. I was not even aware that these type of parents advocate for cutting courses that highly gifted students are good at :( You opened my eyes to another ugly side of competitive parenting - something more for me to think/worry about in the years to come :ohmy:

[MBM]

My neighbor is one of those crazy competitive types of parents. She called the police on the parents of her son's academic competition in high school in an attempt to seal her son's position as valedictorian. She majorly embellished something she "heard" and the other family went through a very distressful period trying to prove their innocence. This happened at the beginning of finals and the other boy didn't do as well as he might have under less stressful circumstances.

 

No one in the neighborhood is friendly with her because she has a tendency to slander people with her lies. She's a very malicious person.

[Word Nerd]

It sounds like the real-life version of people who ask very general questions on message boards (e.g., tell me about Kindles and Nooks and their features) that make it clear they haven't done one iota of research on their own even though the answer to their question is readily available on the product's website or another site. I like sharing resources and helping people, but helpless people who don't want to look anything up themselves are draining. Sometimes I have more energy to provide that kind of information and other times I don't.

 

I haven't come across any super-competitve tiger moms or hothouse parents here. Some people have asked me for recommendations in specific areas their kids need work on because they know I used to homeschool, and I like answering those types of questions.

[Dmmetler]

What I've found funny is that I get more competitive parenting on "What do you do for X to make her so good at math" at dance class drop off-and usually from parents who's DD is better than mine is at anything related to dance. It's almost like their DC has to be the best at everything.

 

Meanwhile at actual math competitions, where it's often the same kids at multiple events all year long (and often the same 2-3 win every time), it's quite relaxed. Sure, we might compare notes on math programs that we use, but we're more likely to ask for suggestions on how to get our kid to put their laundry in the hamper!

[jenbrdsly]

Haven't read the whole thread, but here's my idea. Start up conversations about "Race to Nowhere"!

[StephF]

I have nothing to add to this conversation, but I just wanted to say that I also live in the Silicon Valley, and my dd starts K next year. Now I'm scared. Haha!

[Arcadia]

I have nothing to add to this conversation, but I just wanted to say that I also live in the Silicon Valley, and my dd starts K next year. Now I'm scared. Haha!

 

 

Silicon Valley's parents are a slightly skew bell curve bunch. Most are okay, some hyper competitive to the point of backstabbing and politicking, some hyper laid back. It will be okay.

[mathnerd]

I have nothing to add to this conversation, but I just wanted to say that I also live in the Silicon Valley, and my dd starts K next year. Now I'm scared. Haha!

 

 

Here's hoping that you have a better bunch of parents outside your dd's classroom :) Sorry to have scared you ...

[SKL]

Is there an option to have your child go to "aftercare" or walk home himself after school? Or just be the last mom to arrive to pick up?

[mathnerd]

I take DS to an offsite aftercare place because the onsite one is not good and the offsite care place is a really good one with academics and play blended in. The other option is to hire a "pickup service" to pickup kids in vans and send them to the aftercare places - many parents wait until the kids are around 7 years old to entrust them to a kid cab driver. I have been that last mom to arrive a lot of times - sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.