Sleepovers?

[briansmama]

The other thread on meeting a child's needs when they ask to go to school got me thinking....my ds9 has been asking this year to go to school and although I feel we are over that now (Dh and I decided to make more time for him to pursue his individual sport during the week after lessons when he would be in school if he were going), I'm wondering how many other parents here have a hard time allowing sleepovers? It's something he has definitely asked for this year and I've said no.

 

My main reason for saying no is that the neighborhood kids a few years older than ds do sleepovers every weekend, all through any holiday break, and all summer. I meet the other moms once a month for a neighborhood wine club night and I hear all about how their dc have a hard time transitioning after all of those sleepovers, how even their 10 and 12 yr olds can't sleep by themselves, can't get to sleep, etc.

 

My boys sleep really really well. They both are very athletic and active during the day (we make time for a very strenuous sport, and even when they don't do that they play outside for 3 hours in the afternoons). Many of these other boys seem tired to me a lot- they'd rather watch TV or play video games in the afternoons (though a couple of them do love sports and are very nice boys, I hope I don't sound too critical of my ds friends).

 

Anyways, I can count on one hand the number of times ds has gone to bed even a little late and the next day wasn't pretty. Monday morning lessons are tough every week simply because he is tired out from all of the extra physical activity he gets all weekend, even though he always gets his rest.

 

Dh and I did allow him to go to a friend's sleepover for a birthday party and he told us later that our of 1o boys, my ds and two others were the only ones who stayed up all night. He was understandably out of sorts for two days after that.

 

I just don't think that is healthy for ds- we have told him that sleepovers are limited to very special occasions, like a good friend's birthday party, not every weekend or even regular once a month things.

 

Any other parents here who don't like sleepovers and limit them/don't allow them? Do your dc stop asking, or do they understand and get over it? He hasn't asked in a while, but summer is coming up (and spring break).

[Tracy]

I have been thinking a lot about this over the last year or so as my dd7 is approaching an age where she could participate in sleepovers. I originally thought I would decide on a particular age and have certain limitations. But after doing a lot of reading and thinking, I am seriously considering not allowing them at all.

 

First and foremost, I have read that many people who have been victims of s*xual abuse were abused while on sleepovers generally by a male in that family (often an older brother). So once I read that, I realized that family composition is an important factor. I do have a very good friend who was s*xually abused by her brother, so knowing someone makes it seem a lot more real.

 

Then I started thinking about sleepovers that I went on. My mom and the neighbor used to trade kids for sleepovers now and then. I was elementary age at the time. We would all sleep in the same room, even though she has a son. Well, we did what curious kids do, IYKWIM.

 

When I went on sleepovers for classmates' birthday parties, I was always very excited to be invited. But then I was teased and made fun of--not at all a good time.

 

I was occasionally allowed to have a single friend over for a sleepover at my house, and that always went well.

 

After considering all this, I think that there is little reason for us to have sleepovers at all. (I would make an exception for family, such as cousins, but my kids don't have cousins their age.) If I do it on a case by case basis, I risk offending people whose houses I don't allow my children to sleep at. I also risk having to put my kids through a difficult decision each time they are invited somewhere. So ultimately, I think I am leaning toward no sleepovers. It seems a little extreme even to me, but when I reason it out, that is where I end up every time.

[briansmama]

Thanks for replying- it helps to know I'm not the only mom out there!

 

 

[shanvan]

Tracy has summed up my thoughts on the subject pretty well. I'll just add one thing. I am careful about cousins and sleepovers too. While Dh and I are friendly with our siblings, we are not on the same page when it comes to parenting or values. I can see various pornographic items being available in their homes, and their kids generally have much more worldly knowledge than mine. I wouldn't allow sleepovers at any of their homes. Even within your own extended family it's wise to be informed and careful.

[Tracy]

While Dh and I are friendly with our siblings, we are not on the same page when it comes to parenting or values. I can see various pornographic items being available in their homes, and their kids generally have much more worldly knowledge than mine. I wouldn't allow sleepovers at any of their homes. Even within your own extended family it's wise to be informed and careful.

 

:iagree: I would not allow sleepovers at most of my relatives' homes, either.

[Mommyof4ks]

I think it depends on the friends and the ground rules laid by those involved. If sleepovers are a regular thing then, it would not be unheard of to set a bed time. Sleepovers are for birthday parties mainly in our circle, but there are one on one sleepovers from time to time. If the kids have activities the next day, then we decide on a bedtime and enforce that. Our friends have basically the same rules surrounding movies and Internet usage as we do, so I don't really worry about what they might see at a friend's house.

[Halcyon]

I was the OP of that thread, and i will only allow sleepovers here, at our house. Joy joy LOL. I just dont know any parents sufficiently well to trust them with my kid.

[Roadrunner]

We don't do sleepovers. It's our family culture. You go to sleep and wake up in you own bed. Period. No debates. We are from the different culture, so I don't feel guilty saying no and it has nothing to do with safety. It's just bad manners/ habits.

[shanvan]

We don't do sleepovers. It's our family culture. You go to sleep and wake up in you own bed. Period. No debates. We are from the different culture, so I don't feel guilty saying no and it has nothing to do with safety. It's just bad manners/ habits.

 

The only place my Dc have ever stayed overnight is with their grandparents while Dh and I took a weekend trip for our anniversary. We feel pretty much the same way you do, but we don't have anything cultural to back us up. I do wonder about the skill of learning to sleep away from home as they get older, but I need to give more thought to that.

 

What culture are you from? I find it refreshing.

[heritagelearningacademy]

Well, I may be the minority here. We just had three 13 year old boys spend the night with our oldest son. They all played in an indoor soccer tournament yesterday and are good friends. Two of them are homeschooled and one is not. Our families are good friends. I would trust them with my children without a doubt. Actually more so than my own sister. SIGH

 

One of the boys who stayed the night, his mom told us from the very beginning they do not allow sleepovers. We told her that was fine as we do not do them either. LOL Now, we swap kids! LOL We limit it to maybe once a month or every other month. But there are limits and sleep times. And, my children know that if they do not behave well the next day, there is a break from sleepovers.

 

I think it truly makes a difference in our willingness to let them sleepover because we know the families. After all, we live on the soccer fields together and some of us spend time at our homeschool co-op together.

[Alice]

We have done a few sleepovers and they have been fine. We kept it small. The largest was 3 boys, plus our two for a double birthday party for our two boys. So a total of 5 boys. They were really very good and were all asleep by 11pm . We have a split-foyer style house so it was easy for me to hear them in the downstairs family room. I actually really enjoyed listening to all the boys and their conversations. We have also had one other boy over for a sleepover on several occasions. A few times it’s been to help out the other family (parents going out of town) and a few times it’s been just for fun. Our oldest has gone on a few sleepovers to the same boy’s house.

 

We’ve known that family for many years (10+) and trust them and then know us. Our kids also seem to be able to adjust to a night of a little less sleep better than others. They will be grumpy for a day but then they just go to bed earlier the next night and are fine. My oldest also does Scouts and he probably gets less sleep on a camping trip.

 

We’re also fairly strict about bedtime at the sleepovers. Ds’s friend who has slept over the most is used to going to bed much later than we do but he’s really good about turning out the light and being quiet when we ask. The last time they turned it out before I even went it to ask. I think this is because they both know that they will only be able to have more sleepovers if they prove that they can do it in a reasonable way.

[weederberries]

I'm in the no sleepover camp. I would allow dd to go to a sleepover party and pick her up at midnight. I'd even return her the next morning if the schedule were too good to miss. So far, it seems that most of her friends' parents agree with us, so there haven't been any such invitations. It's just our standing policy.

 

We have two exceptions: 1. Cousins...we can trust ours and we often have "sleepovers" for childcare purposes. 2. A specific friend...our girls were "friends" as babies and their family situation (4 special needs little sisters) is such that their oldest girl occasionally needs some time away.

When these kids spend the night at our house, there is a later bedtime that must be adhered to.

 

My nephew just had a sleepover party for his birthday and we saw him today...he was grumpy, nauseous (from all the candy), and exhausted. Two of his friends stayed up all night, though he and another boy went to sleep around midnight. Not a glowing recommendation for sleepovers.

[2squared]

I guess I don't see any bedtime issues. My oldest hosts sleepovers and goes on sleepovers. If I want them in bed by a certain time, I have the kids go to sleep. If my dd is going somewhere and I want her asleep at a certain time, I tell dd and the host family. They do the same with us. Bedtimes truly haven't been a problem at all.

[briansmama]

Ok, the bedtime enforcement gives me hope- heritagelearningacademy, can you tell me how old your ds is and when you started allowing sleepovers? I could see doing them in the future when ds and friends are mature enough to go to sleep by a set time.

 

Roadrunner- your post made me wonder if I could be part of your culture too?! That's the direction we're going for now, that our family culture doesn't allow sleepovers. End of discussion.

 

Thank you all for discussing this with me- it's really nice to hear how you all handle this. My oldest is only 9 and his little brother is only 6. We all really need our rest!

[heritagelearningacademy]

Briansmama,

 

My son will be 13 next month. We started sleepovers when he was about 10. Now, my middle son started at 8 (with this one family) and my littlest at age 5 was allowed to sleep over at that same family. They took all 3 of our kids and hubby and I had a date night. We have taken all of their kids too so they can have time together.

 

Truthfully, I wouldn't allow my littlest to have stayed over anywhere at this age. But, she had her brothers there and it is my dearest friend whom she was with. All together there were 7 children in the home between my 3 and her 4.

 

 

Even thought they go to bed at a decent time, they still are tired the next day. I just make sure when we do a sleepover it is on a night when we can afford to be a bit more tired the next day. And, we always have an early bedtime the next night for sure.

 

My oldest really wouldn't have been ready for sleepovers before 10. My middle son who is now 9, he is just more comfortable in new situations. So, he can sleep over with this family. For him, there is one other family we allow him to sleep over with. (The dad is his soccer coach and a children's pastor. We have known them for a while now and feel comfortable with them. And, we are the only house their son is allowed to sleep over at too.)

 

All this said, we have talked with our boys about expectations, safety and that it is okay to call us if they want to come home. I used to call and talk to my oldest son before bedtime because he needed that. It makes me laugh but I told him to tell him it is mom's rule to say good night and he had to talk. Little did his friends know, he wanted to say goodnight. LOL

 

I think it is okay to allow no sleepovers if that is where your heart leads you. For us, we do allow them, but it takes us a long time to get to know a family before we would allow that. And, I always prefer the first sleepover to be at my house. And, I have spent time in the other family's home before I would allow that.

[2squared]

can you tell me how old your ds is and when you started allowing sleepovers? I could see doing them in the future when ds and friends are mature enough to go to sleep by a set time.

 

Girls seem to start sleepovers before boys, and they seem to have more than boys do. Last year in 4th grade, my dd had sleepovers about every other weekend. My second oldest (boy) had one sleepover last summer when he was 8yo and probably will have one next month for his 9th birthday. I have curtailed the girl sleepovers this year just b/c we are so busy. We've done a lot of "almost sleep overs" and those work out really, really well for both sets of families.

 

I think it's easier to set sleepover bedtime precedent when the kids are younger. They are used to having set, early bedtimes and are used to less flexibility. KWIM? Although...summer sleepover bedtimes I would expect to be later than their usual bedtimes.

 

Anyway, setting bedtimes hasn't been a problem here. We serve dinner and let the kids play for a while. At some point we put on a movie and serve popcorn. When the movie is done, it's lights out time. The kids giggle and talk for a while. If they aren't asleep by the time I want them asleep, I go sit in the room with them.

[Georgiana Daniels]

I really don't trust anyone else with our kids. It's not something we'll allow going forward, most likely, unless it's our very closest friends kids.

[kewb]

We don't do sleepovers often. They were not allowed until they were 10 years old. Once they were allowed it was only with close friends. This year we put a ban on sleepovers during the school year (during breaks are ok0 because they wanted sleepovers every other weekend.

[Hedgehogs4]

It seems sleepovers are becoming as ubiquitous as candy at Sunday School. I have two families with whom my kids are allowed sleepovers, and that is because they have the same sleeping (if not dietary) standards as we have. Kids get to stay up about an hour later and must sleep. They always have a wonderful time and recover quickly, though they may be a little tired the next day. We have had some really awful sleepover experiences and one in particular where kids were allowed to stay up unsupervised and then fed chocolate pancakes for b-fast the next morning. UGH! That was the worst, and the end. These same families are allowed to stay here as well, and it is always a positive experience.

[J-rap]

We never did much in the way of sleepovers, only very occasionally if we knew the family well and it was a special occasion. It was never a problem because our kids didn't like sleepovers either. :)

[fairfarmhand]

My kids do sleepovers with families that I know VERY well. I understand the family culture and where they come from. It is not an every weekend type of thing. My 15 yo does sleepovers maybe one or two nights a month. However, I have sturggled with them. We farm and we don't have days when my dc can sleep all day. Sleepovers can be very disruptive to sleep patterns and she can be pretty crabby for a few days afterward. Sometimes we will back off of them for a few weeks if she is struggling to be nice and participate in family life after sleepovers.

[aggieamy]

We haven't had DD sleep away from us but we have had one little friend sleep over. It was actually the daughter of a friend of mine from school so that was kind of a fun circle. :) We keep it low key and nobody stays up until 4 am. DD has a lot of fun because they can get up together and play in PJ's until DH and I wake up. Good! More time for me to sleep.

[Mama Anna]

For us, we don't do sleepovers. Dd9 had a friend over several years ago for a sleepover (the girl's parents needed to be out of town for a night and g-parents were too far away) and it was a bad experience from my perspective. They were too young and sleep didn't happen very soon. Since then, I've read too much about abuse and (since we don't seem to live around one set of people for more than about 3 years at a time) have decided that it's just not a good idea. Dh is onboard with the decision.

 

We did make an exception with dd's friend (same as above) when she visited last summer. We hadn't seen her for a year and it was dd's birthday, so I let my olders and her sleep in a tent in the backyard. They got to hang out by themselves until 10pm or so (about 1 1/2 hours later than usual bedtime) when it became fully dark, then I came out and stayed in the tent with them. That worked well and seemed to be an unusual enough circumstance that it was an okay exception to the rule in my dc's minds.

 

I still get asked, "Mama, can we . . .?" from time to time and I generally say, "I'm sorry but that won't be possible." If other kids (as in their friends) are really harping on it, we avoid them for awhile. My girls won't be sleeping at someone else's house without me for the foreseeable future. One set (maybe both sets) of grandparents excepted.

 

Mama Anna

 

PS: I grew up w/out sleepovers. My mom said that she didn't like the next-day-zombie. I begged her into letting me go to one when I was about 11 or so. I was sorry - the other girls (it was a large one) weren't friendly, thoughtful, kind, nor anything else I really wanted to be around - and the group mentality was very present. I figured after that that I hadn't really missed anything.

[claluck]

We do not allow sleep overs. Its just a blanket rule in our home. The only exception is when cousins come to visit. Even then boys and girls are separated and bedtimes are enforced. My oldest is 11 now and hasn't slept over at a friends house before. We occasionally have what we call "late nights." Where either I host a friend hosts and we get the kids back home around 11pm ish. I much prefer that. Usually its a movie night, maybe video games or other games, and junk food.

 

I think too many children have been victimized at these events (including my younger brother when he was 9). Its also hard to pick and choose where kids get to stay if you allow sometimes and not others. I grew up with a single father and no one ever let their kids stay the night at my house. I understand as a parent, but I was always very offended, I like it better that my kids answer is "no we dont do sleep overs, but we do do late nights." It's a general rule, unbiased.

 

Aside from being victimized children are also exposed to other inappropriate things (pornography, or inappropriately violent or otherwise movies or video games). Come on truth or dare was never about anything but breaking the rules and testing the limits of what was right and appropriate and seeing what naughty things you could get your friends to do. I do not want my children to have to face damaging their characters in that way or be put through that choice in such a high pressure environment. It am in the minority in my community but honestly my kids haven't begged and pleaded too much. They know the rule, it never changes. (although they occasionally take the opportunity to remind us when some friends slept over when the parents had an emergency and needed overnight childcare, we just use it as a joke and remind them it wont work, good try)

[blondchen]

No sleepovers. Except for occasional sleepovers for childcare purposes with VERY trusted friends or family members (and "very trusted" would not even apply to a couple of my siblings' spouses, frankly), I see no benefit that outweighs the risk of just-for-fun sleepovers with friends. Sure, I get that sleepovers are really fun and I enjoyed them without incident as a child, but it's just not worth the risk, imo.

 

The reason is simply this: I believe that the easy accessibility and level of secrecy (via the internet) of p-o-r-n in today's society - which was not the case when most of us were kids - is a huge factor in sexual abuse and molestation. And even though I don't parent out of fear, I'm not going to put my precious children in harm's way unnecessarily. A sleepover is a ready-made situation for someone with ill intent (or someone with otherwise good intentions but who is tempted by the trash they've just seen on the internet) to capitalize on the opportunity.

 

Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do and trust God with your kids' welfare, but I'm not going to risk the severe consequences of sexual abuse for a just-for-fun sleepover at a friend's house. Nope.

[Tracy]

I was really expecting to be the odd man out in not allowing sleepovers, but I am glad to see there are so many that either don't allow them or severely restrict them.

 

What I am struggling with is explaining it to my children who are still young enough that they haven't had a sleepover invitation yet. What do you tell your young children about why you don't allow the rule?

[claluck]

 

What I am struggling with is explaining it to my children who are still young enough that they haven't had a sleepover invitation yet. What do you tell your young children about why you don't allow the rule?

 

 

 

I just made it a rule in the beginning. Same as my kids tell their friends. The first time they asked I just said, "Oh, sorry honey we don't do sleep overs in our family, but we can have a late night, your friends could come over and we could watch a movie and pop popcorn, and maybe have banana splits for a treat, does that sound fun?" If they are persistent and ask why, I tell them thats just the way our family does it. Then we know everyone is safe at home in bed. I would say something like I want to keep them safe and knowing they are at home in their own bed helps but that doesn't eliminate the concept that we don't do sleep overs at our home either. The specifics discussion comes up when they are much older.

 

I too am interested to see how many people on here don't do sleep overs. I thought we were a rarity. I only know one other family IRL who holds thet same theory we do.

Christina

[kdownie]

Dd7 is allowed sleepovers about 1x a month (maybe 3 in two months at most) at one particular friends' home. That's it. We know the family extremely well. Other than that, she sleeps at home unless we go out of town to visit family, which is wonderful. I have no problem with her staying with cousins.

Also, the girls get to stay up a little late (10pm or so) but they are expected to sleep after that or sleepover privileges will be revoked. These "stay up all night" or staying with people i don't know extremely well just will not be happening.

[Mom0012]

I allow sleepovers, and sure, the kids may stay up too late, but I really don't care because they only occur a few times a year and they are tons of fun. I wouldn't allow them every weekend.