Another adoption thread from me

[jillian]

Can you share your adoption stories with me, great, good, neutral, bad, horrific. Also did you go domestic or international? Have bio children already? How long did it take? All of it

[Spryte]

2 adoptions, both domestic, both open. We specifically wanted the opportunity for an open adoption, as DH is adopted and his was closed. DH had a bio child already who lived with us half time. First adoption - super fast. We used an adoption agency that matches birthmothers to waiting families. We were matched within 5 weeks, and got to know birthmom very well during the pregnancy (she was only 10 weeks when we matched, we had plenty of time)... attended all doc appts, and were at the birth, roomed in the hospital with baby afterward. Birthmom is beautiful, and though when we met her we didn't expect the level of openness that it evolved into... we are thrilled. She is our family, too. Great experience. We love her entire family.

 

Second adoption - longer story. It was a word of mouth type thing, though we were doing foster-adopt at the time, so we were waiting on a placement, just from a different area. Right at the time our foster home was approved, this came up - and baby was due in just a few weeks. So it was quick as well. But our homestudy, etc, was finished since we'd been planning on foster-adopt. Different from our first adoption as the birthfamilies are not the same, and this one has more issues - they are not open to being part of our family at this time, but we hope they'll open it up for DD when/if she is ready later. But still a beautiful experience. (Oh, and yes, we were present for labor/delivery for our second one as well, and roomed in during her hospital stay - it was an honor, and a wonderful experience.)

 

You are more than welcome to pm, if you want more info. :)

[jillian]

Thank you. I'll be honest the open adoption thing, while I don't mind some degree of sharing milestones and holidays and pictures, kind of freaks me out you know. But international adoption worries me too. I know many people have spectacular experiences but I work in the mental health field and RAD is a concern of mine in general but more from the institutional settings from overseas. I've considered like Colombia or Guatemala but I don't know if dh would be on board for adopting transracial.

 

I realize that makes us potentially sound picky or whatever but we are also very early in our journey just beginning to explore. I'm reading everything I can get my hands on right now.

[sparrow]

Can you share your adoption stories with me, great, good, neutral, bad, horrific. Also did you go domestic or international? Have bio children already? How long did it take? All of it

 

I was adopted domestically as an infant. Dh and I decided before we were married that we would adopt and have bio children, but once we had adopted twice, our family felt complete and awesome, so dh took care of business ;)

 

We opted to adopt internationally, after weighing all of our options, and visiting an informational meeting with an agency. Children in S. Korea are immediately placed in foster homes that they stay in until they are placed with their adoptive family. Our children each arrived home at 6 months of age and it took less than a year for each process. This was in 2000-2002. I understand wait times and ages of children have each increased.

 

Our kids rock. They are the best decision we've ever made :001_wub: .

[sparrow]

Urgh. Double Post.

[Heather in Neverland]

I have one bio child and two adopted (one is Korean and the other is Indian). Both adoptions are closed.

 

Korean adoption- took a year from start to finish, about $25,000, ds was 8 months old when we got him, no RAD issues in the traditional sense but tends to be clingy, process was totally smooth with no problems.

 

Indian adoption- totally different, we got dd when she was only 12 days old, cost about $10,000 all together, adopted her in Malaysia where we live and it was super easy, took about 6 months total and we had her the whole time. Downside is that you have to be able to live in Malaysia for 2-3 years because the U.S. end of the adoption was a nightmare. No RAD issues. Perfectly normal 3 yo.

 

The older the child is when you get them, the more chance there is for RAD. Also, you need to know that several countries are shutting down or severely limiting their adoption programs so choices are dwindling.

 

Adoption is the best thing that has ever happened to us!

 

 

[jillian]

Yes, I do know the increased age of adoption increases the likelihood of attachment issues. I know Russia just shut down and there are several countries that are currently limiting or making it so restrictive it's almost impossible to adopt internationally from them. We are still a bit out from even applying. I've looked at Poland, because my heritage is half Polish. I've looked at Colombia and Guatamala as well. Colombia has travel restrictions/warnings from the U.S. State Department currently but that can change at any time.

[bethben]

We adopted from China and have 3 bio boys. It took over 3 years (just because the agency we were with was fairly large) and we adopted a waiting child. Our daughter has a cleft lip/palate that was partially repaired in China. The cost was around $25 K, but we have friends currently adopting from China and their costs are around $40K (ouch!). China is placing typical children, but the wait is 5 years or more. So, china has mostly been placing children with medical needs - from mild to life threatening. Our daughter was 2 1/2 when she came home and has no RAD symptoms. It was a hard road for the first year and a half. She is a little hyperactive and was so.much.more that first year or so. She also has a very strong personality and wouldn't back down. I thought I had ruined my family and thought this little person would destroy any joy or peace we had.

 

Now, 3 1/2 years later, it's MUCH different. I started her on a program for gut issues and it has almost taken her irritability and intensity away (she had been on antibiotics most of her early years and had a parasite when she came home). She's still very much on the active side, but we're getting a handle on it. My 2nd child was much the same at her age and he's calmed down quite a bit. Adoption is not for the faint of heart. It's not always a smooth transition, but worth it.

 

Beth

[SKL]

I adopted two girls internationally, from a country that doesn't have an international program at the moment. They were 9mos and 12mos when they came home. Both girls are pretty normal, but the one who was 12mos when she came home has some residual issues. Overall I can't complain.

 

One thing to remember is that your children will always carry around "baggage" no matter what you do. Some of it is good, some not so good. Things go dormant and then come up unexpectedly. Don't think that your awesomeness as a parent is going to cancel that out (like I hoped).

 

My word to the wise: adoption is not for the faint of heart. It is heart-wrenching from the initial "paper chase" until - I don't even know when. And it will humble you. Are you ready for all of that?

[Suzanne115]

We have two beautiful adopted daughters. Our first was adopted from Kazakhstan in 2002. We started her adoption in January 2002 and we finished in December 2002. We met her at 6 months and we got to take her home at 7 months. After a month or so of adjusting, our experience with her has been wonderful. I believe she did grieve for her orphanage for the first few months we had her, but she overcame it very quickly. I think her adoption cost around $30,000 from start to finish. To this day, I'm still not sure how we afforded it.

Our second adoption was from China in 2011. We started it in 2005 and it took about 5 1/2 years! Our daughter was 13 months on adoption day. She is now 3 years old. Again, our experience with her has been wonderful. She was deathly afraid of men including my poor husband for a few months, but she is great now. I'm really not sure the total cost for our China adoption. We had to redo a lot of our paperwork because of the time line and so we incurred more costs than expected.

 

Their two adoption days are two of the greatest days in my life. The first few months with both of them were challenging, but so worth it. They needed to learn to trust me and accept me as their mother. I agree adoption is very difficult emotionally, but it is so worth it!

 

Blessings,

Suzanne

[sparrow]

I adopted two girls internationally, from a country that doesn't have an international program at the moment. They were 9mos and 12mos when they came home. Both girls are pretty normal, but the one who was 12mos when she came home has some residual issues. Overall I can't complain. One thing to remember is that your children will always carry around "baggage" no matter what you do. Some of it is good, some not so good. Things go dormant and then come up unexpectedly. Don't think that your awesomeness as a parent is going to cancel that out (like I hoped). My word to the wise: adoption is not for the faint of heart. It is heart-wrenching from the initial "paper chase" until - I don't even know when. And it will humble you. Are you ready for all of that?

 

I completely disagree with your bolded statement.

 

 

We have two beautiful adopted daughters. Our first was adopted from Kazakhstan in 2002. We started her adoption in January 2002 and we finished in December 2002. We met her at 6 months and we got to take her home at 7 months. After a month or so of adjusting, our experience with her has been wonderful. I believe she did grieve for her orphanage for the first few months we had her, but she overcame it very quickly. I think her adoption cost around $30,000 from start to finish. To this day, I'm still not sure how we afforded it. Our second adoption was from China in 2011. We started it in 2005 and it took about 5 1/2 years! Our daughter was 13 months on adoption day. She is now 3 years old. Again, our experience with her has been wonderful. She was deathly afraid of men including my poor husband for a few months, but she is great now. I'm really not sure the total cost for our China adoption. We had to redo a lot of our paperwork because of the time line and so we incurred more costs than expected. Their two adoption days are two of the greatest days in my life. The first few months with both of them were challenging, but so worth it. They needed to learn to trust me and accept me as their mother. I agree adoption is very difficult emotionally, but it is so worth it! Blessings, Suzanne

 

I completely agree with this bolded statement! I honestly can't figure it out.

[Miss Peregrine]

We adopted through foster care. The cost was pretty much zero. We had to pay for fingerprints and the cost to get our home to foster care standards.(A few hundred dollars)

Our son was not going to be reunited with parents(continued drug use/jail) but he still received visits with bio mom almost until the adoption was final because of his ICWA status. Biomom used meth for the first few months of pregnancy and then was on methadone. He was in the hospital for 3 months after birth for withdrawals.

 

He was 2.5 when he came to us. Just turned 4 when the adoption was final almost one year ago. We have an open adoption of sorts. I communicate with extended relatives via email. We have met a few times. According to adoption order it is up to us when/how/often or at all we see the birth parents. We last saw bio mom in November. It was the first time she had seen him in a year. Recent developments have confirmed that she won't be seeing him. Bio-dad has seen him once, when he was around a year old. I heard he wanted to see him(when we saw bio-mom) but again, recent developments have confirmed that he won't be seeing him.

 

He is one of the 5 best things that have ever happened in our family! Such a funny guy. Loving. He fits in so well with our family that our friends comment how much he looks like a (our last name), which is funny because he is Indian and we are not. LOL I love it.

 

It feels like he was made to be in our family. I feel bad that he had to endure what he did in his first two years :sad: (did you see the disgusting house thread?) but I am glad we were on the other side of it, waiting.

[butterflymommy]

This is not my story but I know a lady who adopted transracially (she is white and her DD is half white half black) domestically and her daughter is so sweet and happy and the mom is wonderful with her.... so a happy ending at least for now. There is a film about transracial adoption, "Off and Running." One black and one biracial child about the same age-- one ends up having strong identity issues and the other doesn't. The moms adopt from korea when the other two kids are older. It was on netflix streaming last I checked.

 

Personally I would love to foster but DH is not on board. If I were going to adopt I would try to adopt in an infant, domestic adoption, and be open to any race or gender. I would be too concerned about international adoption as so many countries are closing down on adoptions to the US, and the children tend to be older (which raises the RAD risk).

 

As far as open adoption, I would be comfortable with pictures and milestones but not more than that. My understanding is that most open adoptions are not really that open anyway.

[Jeannie in NJ]

we adopted from South Korea many yeras ago (my dc are now 15 and 17). It is the best thing that dh and I have ever done. Dd was 4 months when we received her and ds was 8 months. They went straight from birth to Korean foster homes. We have never had any RAD issues. My son was born with cleft lip and palate, also ear issues which has resulted in about 20 surgeries and he also has learning delays but he is the most loving child ever even as a 15 year old, everyone just loves him. My dd is a very beautiful and good girl , the best daughter ever. We have no bio children. It took 8 months from first phone call to the adoption agency to arrival of our babies. No problems with the process at all. Wonderful agency and social worker.

 

Regarding them being a different race. My dh's extended family (who most of them live within 20 min of us) is like the United Nations. There are Puerto Rican, Filipino, black, Jewish, Italian (all first or second generations of these races) so my Asian children fit right in, their race has never been an issue. We also live in an area with a fairly large Asian population.

 

we did not have to go to Korea, dd was flown to Newark NJ airport and ds to Philly

[Saddlemomma]

Right now I'm babysitting for a foster child (infant). Never thought I would do this, but the foster mom couldn't find a private babysitter and needed help. So, being her friend, I jumped on board. Oh my gosh! He is so adorable. I have him 3 days a week and am falling in love. What a good baby! His mom was a drug addict and he had to be weaned from the drugs in the hospital. You would never know it. He's so happy and good natured. I've had him since he was 6 weeks old.

 

Having him really makes me want to get involved more; maybe become a foster parent myself. I've thought about this before, but dh was not interested (doesn't want the government telling us how to raise kids). However, since having this little bundle of joy, my dh is weakening. I heard from one of the social workers that in the month of January alone, they took in 15 babies in our small area. 15!!! The lady also told me they are desperate for foster families. Why, oh why do they make it so difficult to adopt domestically?

 

My one, very real concern is that both my dh and I are in our late 40's. In fact, I'm going to be 49 in a couple weeks. I worry about fostering/adopting so late in life.

[zimom]

....

[KrissiK]

We adopted all 5 children through foster care. Oldest two are bios and youngest two are bios. Cost is nothing. In fact, ,they pay you. Since they are foster children the state reimburses you for their care. However, until it is finalized, you play by their rules, jump when they say jump and say,"yes ma'am, and no ma'am" no matter how incredibly insane yu think the system is. Most of the time I just keep my eyes on the goal and give them what they want. Soon enough we'll be done. With us, it was an incredibly easy process. Parental rights were all terminated without problems. It can just be a lengthy process. You're dealing with a govt. entity. You cannot expect efficiency. As far as problems, out children were all under 3 when we received them. None had gone through extreme trauma, we can't see any residual effects Of anything in their past lives. They are all happy, healthy kids. There are always issues, though. Our oldest son is biracial (black/Hispanic) and even though the area we live in is like 80 percent Hispanic, he still has some problems knowing where he fits in with his skin color. he's dark skinned, but I've seen other hispanics with skin darker than his. He's a very good looking kid, but doesn't really look black or Hispanic. People are always wondering about his racial heritage. Overall, we have had an extremely positive experience with our adoptions. If our circumstances were different (bigger house, me being younger, etc.) we'd definitely adopt again.

[Ewe Mama]

We have adopted three times, all domestic, transracial adoptions.

 

Joy was a traditional, semi-open adoption through an adoption agency in a different state. After we were established with the agency and complied with all of their paperwork, we received "The Call" after 3 months. She was placed into an interim foster care home for 10 days until the revocation period was up and we could travel to pick her up. Very straightforward and easy process, if you can be patient and jump through the proper hoops in a timely fashion. Her adoption was about $17k.

 

Simon and Theodore are full bio brothers we adopted through the foster care system. Simon was born at 28 weeks and was released to us when he was a month old. He was so tiny, but strong and healthy. We had a 50% chance of adopting him because birth mom wasn't sure who the father was, so everything hinged on that. However, the father who was supposed to be ok turned out to be using drugs, so we had him longer, but then a relative of the birthdad came forward and said she wanted him. Our hearts were broken, and for four months he was placed with the relative. However, we got him back because of issues that the relative couldn't handle. He came back to us a month shy of his first birthday. He has been with us ever since. His adoption was finalized when he was three years old, so patience was needed.

 

Theodore was placed with us the day after his birth, but we didn't finalize his adoption until a month after his fourth birthday. The entire process was a nightmare of legal stupidity, but we had our sweet little boy in the end.

 

I would never advise adopting through the foster care system for a first child. The prospect of falling in love with a child and having your heart ripped out is far too great to Risk. At least if you have another child who is yours by adoption or birth, you can focus on that child during the rough spots. I never could have lived through all the heartache if we hadn't already adopted Joy.

 

After finalizing Theodore's adoption, I realized I could not handle working with the foster care system any longer. It was too painful and caused too much stress and too many sleepless nights.

 

 

[jillian]

Yeah we have bio dd and we love her to pieces. I worry about the upheaval for her. She's 5 now, and we'd start the process in a couple years after she is 7 (we might be moving and don't know our insurance/job situation that far out either, since we are military). I would be willing to adopt transracially, I think. I'd looked at Colombia and Guatamala, simply because of the travel considerations and many of the Eastern European countries have very arduous travel requirement, and Poland, because I have Polish heritage. I had never looked at S. Korea but think I might now.

 

I use I in the above paragraph because right now I am the one researching and learning. DH is pretty happy and content with not learning at the moment, but I want to/need to be very organized/informed

[KrissiK]

 

I would never advise adopting through the foster care system for a first child. The prospect of falling in love with a child and having your heart ripped out is far too great to Risk. At least if you have another child who is yours by adoption or birth, you can focus on that child during the rough spots. I never could have lived through all the heartache if we hadn't already adopted Joy.

 

 

 

I am very sorry this was so hard for you, but I cannot agree with that statement. We had to go through classes with the County to adopt and we stayed in touch with some of the people in our class. There were four of us couple who have been getting together now for the past 8 years. We all adopted from foster care, it was our first child and all the adoptions have been relatively "easy". No legal problems. Sometimes it can happen that way, sometimes it doesn't. It's not a given that adopting through foster care will be a nightmare, but I will not deny that in some cases it is horrible. I have heard horror stories as well.

[Spryte]

Thank you. I'll be honest the open adoption thing, while I don't mind some degree of sharing milestones and holidays and pictures, kind of freaks me out you know.

 

Just to share a bit more...

 

We didn't start out wanting open adoption either. It evolved that way, organically. We initially wanted closed, with the option of opening it up if a child had questions when they were an adult. Somehow the more we read... We just sort of moved into, hmmmm, semi-open would be okay... (Pics, updates sent through an intermediary, maybe)... Then, I don't know how it happened. Clearly, it was the right choice for us. But it was a lesson in love. We have learned a lot about love. :) And all levels of openness are different. My understanding is that most families view pics and updates as open. Technically, just knowing identifying info makes it open. For us, we could not help but love the young woman who gave DS life. How could we not? Basically, we started with an agreement (non-binding) that we would do X number of visits per year - but that has changed over the years. Some years we don't see birthmom at all, as she is busy and just finished grad school, got married, etc. Some years we might see her more often, if we can swing it. Birthgrandmother always sends Xmas gifts, and tries to visit when birthmom does. She is a special lady, and has embraced our younger daughter as a grandchild as well, and always includes equal gifts for both kids. Very sweet. But... It was not an easy road, and it took tremendous commitment on all of our parts to stay true to what we felt was best for our kiddo. Seeing him at 9, secure and confident, makes me know it was right for him. Oh, and thankfully we had access to health info when we needed it a few years ago - really helpful. It was a good choice for our family, maybe not for everyone's family. It certainly was not easy.

 

Our latest adoption is not so open, not by our choice, but by the birthfamily's choice. I have grieved the lack of contact, because I wanted both kids to have equal levels of contact with their birthfamilies. If you had told me years ago that I would grieve for lack of contact, I would have been shocked! We still send pics and updates, and I have a box of special momentos to give to birthmother, if she appears. Whether she will or not... I don't know.

 

Oh, and I did not think to mention, in my previous post, the transracial issue. :) I guess you were asking about that too? Yes, we have adopted transracially. :)

 

However it happens for you, however you grow your family... The soul that is meant to be your child will come to you.

[RebeccaS]

We are a foster family that has adopted one son, though he (ironically) was never a foster child in our home, but rather a blind placement. He'd been in the system since he was newborn and had been through 3 placements and 2 disrupted adoptions. Because of the disrupted adoptions, he was labeled "special needs" but we went ahead and agreed to take placement with intent to adopt. The first time we met him was at social services. He saw us come in the room and said, "Get them out of here." It was such an auspicious beginning. ;) We adopted him 7 months later and he is really a joy. He's rambunctious, loud, and totally fits in with the family-so much so that our new foster baby's social worker was floored when I told her he was 3 when he came to live with us. She said he acted as though he'd been with us since birth. :)

 

Because our son is AA and because I love children, we'd love to adopt again. It just hasn't been in the plan for us, though. Since his adoption 3.5 years ago, we've fostered a newborn girl (she was adopted by another foster family willing to take her 3 siblings as well), a 5 month old (he went to live with family), and a set of triplets (the sibs of the 5 month old-they went back to Mom even though that situation was just crazy). Then, we took placement of a 7 week old baby-"just for a few days while we get family lined up to take him" and he's still here today-and celebrating his first birthday today as a matter of fact. :) We have no idea where this placement will lead. We just keep falling in love and taking that chance that one day it will all work out for us. And dh and I fuss to each other about how screwy the system can be (especially after the triplets went back home-that was so unbelievably stupid, but what can you do?).

 

Good luck with whatever you decide. Adoption has been wonderful and it's been heartbreaking for us.

 

ETA: We have a somewhat open adoption with our son. He does have some contact with his sisters, but they are all much older than he is and right now, that contact is very much initiated by us only, though we've made it very clear his siblings can call us any time, get together or what have you. They do not seem interested unless we call them first. It's a strange situation to be in. We want him to know his siblings, but they aren't super open to it right now. They are all busy with high school and college right now, so I suppose that makes things more complicated for them.

[jillian]

Thank you guys, I appreciate all the words of wisdom and advice. I'm just so torn right now between international and domestic infant and through the foster system. I am trying to pray and keep an open mind and just let the Lord guide me right now.

[misidawnrn]

Our little girl (almost 4) fell into our lap. We weren't actively looking for adoption. Our birthmom worked on my floor at the hospital. She found out she was pregnant and was thinking of termination. I jokingly told her "You can give the baby to me." That got me kind of thinking about adoption and I asked DH if he had thought about it. He was 42 and said "If God wants us to have a baby, he will open that door." About a week later she asked if I was serious. I talked to hubby and he agreed that was the door that God was opening. We hurried and did our homestudy stuff. She was about 12 weeks along. I went to all the doc appts, and ultrasounds. I was in the C/S room when DD was born. We have an open adoption. I give BM pictures, we get kids together and play (she has a 5yo boy), birthdays, etc. I think it was less than 5K all together. DD is a great joy to us!

[HS Mom in NC]

Everyone will have different criteria and motivations for where they adopt and who they adopt. You have to clarify for yourselves as a couple what you're willing to do and what you're not.

 

I have two bio kids (now 17 and 15) and an adopted kid (now 7.) We adopted internationally from S. Korea in 2006 after a year (2004) of interviewing a dozen foster families, a handful or private domestic adoptive families, and half a dozen inernationaly adoptive families, a pediatric dentist who did pro-bono work with internationally adopted children, a developmental pediatrician at a major behavior health center who has worked with all kinds of adoptees, and a couple of pediatricians who work with adoptees of all kinds.

 

We chose international adoption over private domestic, fosteradoption, and surrogacy because:

 

1. We wanted to adopt a child in need rather than go through the demands of hiring a surrogate and attempting an unknown number of IVFs. Being very conservative on abortion related issues, we wouldn't have tried more than 2 babies in utero or fertilizing lots of embryos to be frozen or destroyed.

 

2. Some private domestic adoption agencies were ethical enough to tell us that having 2 bio kids already meant an almost 0% chance of being chosen by a birthmother over a long list of childless couples waiting for a baby.

 

3. I met too many couples (3) who had tried to adopt privately and then the birthmother changed her mind. There's no way to recoup costs when that happens, and we didn't have money to try over and over again. Between the financial and emotional blows, there's no way we would consider that.

 

4. We were absolutely not willing to ever have a child placed in our home that had someone else (usually extended biological relatives and bio parents who jump through enough hoops) in line ahead of us-so no fost-adopt. We considered only children whose bio parents, extended relatives, and other nationals had already decided not to adopt them.

 

At that time in AZ, it was nearly impossible to adopt a foster child. As I understand it, it's much easier and faster now if the bio parents and extended family don't cooperate. One family had tried to adopt 11 older kids over 4 years. They were told at placement the kids were available for adoption-none actually were. They finally gave up. The families that did succeed did so because the birth parents cooperated in no way with court orders for 2-3.5 YEARS. If the bio parents had or the extended relatives had tried, those families would not have been able to adopt those kids. Not for us.

 

5. Children who have been neglected and/or abused (all the kids in foster care) are, as a group, at higher risk for mental and behavioral issues. Since I already had 2 children (7 and 9 in 2005 when our youngest came along) I was not willing to take a child with a higher risk for behavioral issues. If we didn't have kids in the home it wouldn't have been as much of an issue. I personally talked to several parents whose foster kids had raped, assaulted, and tried to kill other children in the home. One sent her son that she adopted through foster care back because he was so violent she literally could not take her eyes off of him for more than a few minutes. We weren't willing to take that chance.

 

I also met foster parents with wonderfully delightful children. Those children have no issues and are thriving.

 

We chose S. Korea for several reasons:

 

1. It's unheard of for S. Korean adoptees to have been exposed to drugs in utero.

2. It's uncommon for S. Korean adoptees to have been exposed to much alcohol in utero.

3. Mental illness is very rare in S. Korean birthmothers.

4. S. Korean adoptees are placed in foster homes within a week or two of birth and stay there until they leave for the US to their permanent families. (No bouncing around from home to home or long term stays in an orphanage.)

5. S. Korean culture fits our family culture fairly well-co-sleeping, no crying it out, baby wearing, etc.

6. S. Korean adoptees have immediate access to modern medicine before they arrive in the US, so no major health issues are going undetected or untreated.

7. Culturally, there are no reasons for birthparents to change their minds later.

8. The developmental pediatric specialist at the behavioral health center recommended S. Korean adoption for people wanting to minimize risk for behavioral issues.

9. We could get an infant from S. Korea at that time. Our daughter was 7 mos. old when she arrived.

 

Sticky issues international adoption brings up:

 

1. Former USSR countries, Russia, Guatemala, China and Vietnam all have had accusations of child trafficking and unethical adoption practices. We chose to avoid those countries for that reason. Some of those accusations are still just rumors and others, like in Guatemala have been proven true in some situations.

 

2. Some countries, like S. Korea do not require the birthmother to notify the birthfather to place the child for adoption. His consent is not required if they were not married. Some birthfathers know the child exists and others don't. If they were married, I think it's still the case that the birthmother's consent is not required. It's extremely rare for married parents to place a baby for adoption in S. Korea.

 

3. Different parents handle an internationally adopted child's ethic heritage differently. Some consider it very important to give a child as much ethnic heritage as possible. Others don't. Decide up front what you're willing to do and let your agency know. It factors into their decision sometimes.

 

4. Be very clear what your attitude will be about birthparents and your child's contact with them as an adult. These are serious issues not to be handled lightly. How will you respond if your child does or doesn't want contact? If contact is wanted and had, how will you handle it if your child has a positive or negative experience with it? Since my child is from S. Korea, there's a possibility (although small) that she could have future contact and maybe even a relationship with her birthmother and a smaller one with her birthfather. Other adoptees have no way of doing that-some will accept it and others will struggle. Be prepared.

 

5. Be aware of attitudes toward adoptees in the immigrant communities from your child's birth country if you take that route. You might be very surprised. Some are more welcoming than others.

 

My advice:

 

1. Check out all options from different angles. What an agency tells you may need to be filled in by parents who've been there, done that. All adoption scenarios have different outcomes, so talk to a wide range of parents, medical staff who deal with adoptees, read research about adoptees and adult adoptee writings.

 

2. Rules for adoption change all the time. Last I hear infants were not longer available in S. Korea. They're available at a year old because they're available for domestic adoption longer. Keep up to speed with things with current information from an agency.

 

3. Be prepared for criticism if you choose international adoption. Every time a news story comes on related to international adoption or fostercare in the US ignorant comments will abound. People in the US actually think there are orphans in orphanages in the US. They think every child in foster care is immediately available for adoption. They will go on and on about how they think Americans shouldn't be allowed to adoption internationally until every American child in foster care is adopted. They think there are American newborns sitting in private adoption agencies just waiting for someone to try to adopt them. Those things aren't accurate and people who comment on them aren't interested in being educated on the subject. Ignorance is bliss.

 

4. Be aware of attachment issues in adopted children. Do not minimize the possibility based on your child's circumstances-even babies adopted at birth and loved every moment of their existence can have attachment issues (RAD being the most widely recognized.) If your agency doesn't have an attachment therapist on staff, get contact information for one and listen to them. Be honest when they ask how things are going-they can't help you if they don't know what's happening.

 

Don't minimize grieving issues in your adopted child. Children loved and adored by their foster parents (like kids from S. Korea) will grieve over losing them. They need to be able to experience all those stages with loving support instead of being distracted from the grieving process. Interfering with that will make things worse, not better in the long run. My daughter went through all that before she was a year old. I'm so glad we had an attachment therapist there to help us love her through that.

[jillian]

Thanks for all the wise words. I'm reading everything I can get my hands on. I wish I could find something that portrays the realistic problems following adoption from all ages not just older. I only see positive or "adjusting was difficult but it's wonderful now". I know that's not the case for some families and I want to read that. Internet seems unreliable though because you never know if its true.

 

Pardon typos, poor grammar or punctuation I'm on the phone.

[Clarkd]

We adopted four children from foster care. Some of them are bio sibs. The whole process took three and a half years. We had both voluntary relinquishment and court involved situations. each situation was VERY different. It depends where you live what cost there will be in foster care. We had to pay for two lawyers per child but were reimbursed for that through taxes. Our children came to us at a variety of ages, between five months and twenty two months. We would only accept preschoolers. We are a multiethinic family. Some of our children are latino. Most of our children came to us with delays but have made amazing progress. We are later in life parents, My partner is 48 and I am 43. Our kids are now 6,5,4,3. Foster care was very hard for us. The uncertainties, ups and downs, dealing with many social workers. It took quite a toll. The kids are so amazing it made it all worth it. Our adoptions were all finalized 13 months ago. We are so thankful!

[jillian]

I don't know if we could do fost-adopt only because of the ups and downs involved, I've had so much of that with our infertility, and knowing that we could lose the child(ren) to a family member or the bio parents would break our hearts.

[HS Mom in NC]

These might help.

 

http://www.amazon.co...aching ,aps,310

[KrissiK]

I don't know if we could do fost-adopt only because of the ups and downs involved, I've had so much of that with our infertility, and knowing that we could lose the child(ren) to a family member or the bio parents would break our hearts.

 

At least in the agencies we've been with, you can specify the level of risk you are willing to undergo. For example, you can say, you want only a child who's parents have been denied services and the .26 hearing (terminating parental rights) has been scheduled. If you have a kid who's parents are in services toward reunification, well, that's pretty risky. But our boys... The hearing date was set . Bio mo wasn't getting services, so reunification was no longer an option.

[jillian]

Ah thanks, I didn't know that.

 

And thanks for the book rec's