AimeeM Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 My bonus (step) mother came up for a week to see the new babe (5 months old) and the older children (and me of course!). She has always been a bit unstable (under psychiatric care) but it's just annoying, nothing that puts anyone in danger. She's been here since Tuesday and all was going very well - we did St. Nick's Day with the kiddos, ate dinners, watched xmas movies (she loves Christmas!) and relaxed with the children. My husband had been out of town all week on business, only getting home yesterday afternoon; my father joined us late Thursday (he had also been away on a business trip). Last night all h*ll broke lose and I still don't understand why. She was asking something about my younger sister and a job she was recently hired for. My bonus Mom inferred that she must have "fudged" the application because she didn't have 15 years worth of job history to list. I'm not sure how or why this came up. Sincerely. I pointed out that job apps only ask you to go back that far IF APPLICABLE (as in, if you have 15 years of work history); obviously a 21 year old doesn't have that much work history. She (bonus mom) kept insisting it wasn't possible. I shouldn't have engaged but I had no clue where she was going with this and it was just a conversation. Finally she made a hand gesture and said "this is obviously going WAY over your head" and said "lets end the conversation". With the hand gesture my father very firmly told her "enough!". I left the room momentarily to regain composure (I was shaken by the sudden confrontation - I haven't had to deal with it since I was a child living in their home). Next thing I know, she's throwing things around and apparently wanted me to apologize. I refused. I know I shouldn't have done that, I have enough experience with her to know that if I just say "sorry" and admit I was wrong, she goes about happily *gracing* us with forgiveness. I did nothing wrong though. I no longer live in her home and I no longer need to worry about walking on egg shells with her so that everyone in the home isn't miserable. I told her as much. Then she starts yelling about my husband ganging up on her (he had been driving since 4 am and he went to sleep as soon as he got home! He was asleep the entire time this was going on - he wasn't AWAKE!). She asks if she needed to leave. I know what she wanted - she wanted me to beg her to stay. I didn't. After the comments about my husband (and there were more comments... oh were there ever...) I told her that yes, she needed to leave. I told her that this is my home, not hers, and that I no longer live a life where feeling tense and broken is acceptable or a part of my life. The children were outside playing at this point and as she was leaving, she decided to drag my 11 year old dd into this (they are very close), telling her what was going on ("your parents and your grandfather are making me leave" or something to that effect). That was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I told my father, after she had left, that she was no longer allowed in my home and was to never contact my children again - this isn't the first time she's put my children in the middle of something they have NO business worrying about or being told about (they are children for the love of Pete!). This goes way back. It's always been this way. I've always played nicely with her and I do sincerely love her, but she's toxic right now and I can't handle it. Everything is fine so long as *she* feels appreciated and so long as everyone agrees with her. She throws TANTRUMS if anything goes contrary to what she wants to happen (like at my wedding, thanksgiving, my dd's 6th birthday at Disney, new year's eve... the list goes on). Okay. I just needed to get that out. I love my life. I have a wonderful husband, fantastic children, a home I love in a wonderful neighborhood, I have great friends, everything I need and most of what I want... and I need to remember that. Part of me is still pissed - the other part is heartbroken though. I know I need to cut ties but it's hard. I don't "do" drama. We live a wonderfully ordinary, relaxed life where the biggest argument is where to go for dinner... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: Mental illness (even mild) does that. I'm so sorry. My mom is stable right now and it is a miracle. Before that I lived in hell, never knowing if I was going to be yelled at or hugged. I completely understand where you are coming from and praise your ability to stand up for yourself. I never did. I just took it all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrn Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 Check out borderline personality disorder. This sounds like my life growing up. They CAN behave themselves and will if you make them. Get the book Surviving a Borderline Parent and read it. It will change your life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 It sounds like you made a boundary and stuck with it. I know having to do that was yucky but you did well to do so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted December 8, 2012 Author Share Posted December 8, 2012 Check out borderline personality disorder. This sounds like my life growing up. They CAN behave themselves and will if you make them. Get the book Surviving a Borderline Parent and read it. It will change your life. I'll definitely read it. To be honest though, I'm done. I can't handle it anymore. I have wonderful memories of her good days growing up... when I was sick she would bring me ginger ale and crackers, we went shopping, talked for hours, laughed together... but inevitably, eventually, everything had to be about her. And her bad days were far more frequent than her good days. She never forgave me for marrying and moving out; she is stil sore that my little sister chose to go thousands of miles away to attend college near her grandparents. I'm just tired. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 I'll definitely read it. To be honest though, I'm done. I can't handle it anymore. I have wonderful memories of her good days growing up... when I was sick she would bring me ginger ale and crackers, we went shopping, talked for hours, laughed together... but inevitably, eventually, everything had to be about her. And her bad days were far more frequent than her good days. She never forgave me for marrying and moving out; she is stil sore that my little sister chose to go thousands of miles away to attend college near her grandparents. I'm just tired. I can understand being done. Been there. But from your post, it sounds like there is some guilt --or regret -- from the confrontation. The book will help you to understand the disorder and how to deal with it (and her), but mostly it will help you to understand yourself. I still refer to the book to help me deal with my "other" relationships. Why do I react to people in certain ways? Why do I feel this way when this happens? Why is it that am passive--or aggressive-- or intimidated. Her actions dictated your actions/reactions for a long time. It is sort of like therapy for PTSD. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heatherwith4 Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 Oh, I'm so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted December 8, 2012 Author Share Posted December 8, 2012 I can understand being done. Been there. But from your post, it sounds like there is some guilt --or regret -- from the confrontation. The book will help you to understand the disorder and how to deal with it (and her), but mostly it will help you to understand yourself. I still refer to the book to help me deal with my "other" relationships. Why do I react to people in certain ways? Why do I feel this way when this happens? Why is it that am passive--or aggressive-- or intimidated. Her actions dictated your actions/reactions for a long time. It is sort of like therapy for PTSD. I regret that my father looks so defeated and sad. I can't say I really regret what I said to her... it should have been said LONG ago. I am sad that she still acts like this... after years of treatment. I had hoped she would be around, better, to participate in her grandchildren growing up. I was her "last one" - everyone else gave up long ago. I will definitely get the book. Heading to Amazon now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 I regret that my father looks so defeated and sad. I can't say I really regret what I said to her... it should have been said LONG ago. I am sad that she still acts like this... after years of treatment. I had hoped she would be around, better, to participate in her grandchildren growing up. I was her "last one" - everyone else gave up long ago. I will definitely get the book. Heading to Amazon now. I would also suggest some reading about mental illness in general. I don't have anything good to reference, but from what I'm discovering, mental illness is about being stabilized. It doesn't go away. There are ebbs and flows as with dealing with a chronic illness. Unfortunately, mental illness outbursts can hurt the ones we love most. Most people wouldn't think twice about accommodating a person in a wheelchair or one who is using oxygen. Mental illness is not apparent like that. You wouldn't light up a cigarette around a person on oxygen or with asthma, there can be hints about dealing with people with mental illness as well. Just for general information, not specifically for the OP. I don't think your confrontation was out of line and sounds overdue. I'm learning to deal with someone in my family with recently diagnosed mental illness. It has helped me immensely to recognize their triggers and adjust my expectations in the relationship, not easy, but helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted December 8, 2012 Author Share Posted December 8, 2012 I would also suggest some reading about mental illness in general. I don't have anything good to reference, but from what I'm discovering, mental illness is about being stabilized. It doesn't go away. There are ebbs and flows as with dealing with a chronic illness. Unfortunately, mental illness outbursts can hurt the ones we love most. Most people wouldn't think twice about accommodating a person in a wheelchair or one who is using oxygen. Mental illness is not apparent like that. You wouldn't light up a cigarette around a person on oxygen or with asthma, there can be hints about dealing with people with mental illness as well. Just for general information, not specifically for the OP. I don't think your confrontation was out of line and sounds overdue. I'm learning to deal with someone in my family with recently diagnosed mental illness. It has helped me immensely to recognize their triggers and adjust my expectations in the relationship, not easy, but helpful. But SHOULD I go out of my way to recognize and talk around her triggers? I feel like I've been doing that most of my life and it certainly hasn't helped anyone in the situation (her, me, or my children) - she feels she can say anything to me, to my children, without reprecussions. My children scatter after she starts getting tense, I make myself scarce, my husband gave up long ago and just busies himself with meetings when she's around. Sometimes I feel that being so careful around her (having lived with her for so long, I do recognize her triggers much better than most) has only made things worse - she feels that since ONE person will deal with her, she is never the problem... everyone else is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 But SHOULD I go out of my way to recognize and talk around her triggers? I feel like I've been doing that most of my life and it certainly hasn't helped anyone in the situation (her, me, or my children) - she feels she can say anything to me, to my children, without reprecussions. My children scatter after she starts getting tense, I make myself scarce, my husband gave up long ago and just busies himself with meetings when she's around. Sometimes I feel that being so careful around her (having lived with her for so long, I do recognize her triggers much better than most) has only made things worse - she feels that since ONE person will deal with her, she is never the problem... everyone else is. That I don't know. I'm still finding that boundary myself. However, I have to deal with this person on a regular basis. My ds is also older and I can explain a lot of it, so I'm not as worried about his relationship with this person, long-term possibly, but not immediate blow ups. Again, I have to think about MY boundary. I'm talking myself through this as I write. I do feel like everyone needs at least one person that understands them fully, but they can't beat up on that person on a regular basis. You have to take care of you. I'm still dealing with the "I didn't sign up to be caregiver" but I'm in the best position to keep this person grounded to the real world, if that makes sense. I watched my dad deal with his alcoholic mother on a regular basis. She would come to visit (she lived nearby) every once in a while. Dad would accommodate her, my sister and I would roll our eyes and be nice. Nothing we did was going to change her, but she wasn't violent or belligerent to us. I doubt my dad would have had us been around her at those moments. He never cut her out of his life, but he didn't cry at her funeral either. Personally, I think I'd have that person in my life in measured doses. Maybe a lunch or to visit once in a while. No overnights, maybe go visit them, so you can leave if things heat up. I don't know. I'm a hopeful pessimist. I try to accept people for who they are, but that doesn't mean they don't get consequences for their behavior. Hopefully, those with more experience with mental illness will weigh in with better advice. eta: I get the tired thing, I do. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 Give yourself time. This is funk-worthy. I tend to look at such situation as: no shots fired, no one got drunk and fondled my child. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 Personally, I think I'd have that person in my life in measured doses. Maybe a lunch or to visit once in a while. No overnights, maybe go visit them, so you can leave if things heat up. Meet at a restaurant. If she's too far gone that day to deal with a restaurant, she's too far gone for a visit. A nice quiet off hours one if she gets over stimulated. This cuts down on nonsense from people with some volition in the matter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 Honestly, I think you need to assess what is in the best interest of you, your children, and your dh, and make decisions based solely upon that. Taking a time out, w/out feeling pushed or pulled, is a really good idea to honestly step back and assess what your needs are, what you're willing to do, and how to go about those things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 Hope you're feeling better, with a clear vision of what to do next. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 I hope your dad put her in time out after seeing her throw things around. Sigh...I lived with this sort of drama for much of my childhood, and on into early adulthood. Might be worth working together with your husband and father to establish boundaries that you can live with (ie never be with stepmom unless both dh and your father are present, and then as mentioned only in small doses). And I could always count on some grown up having a serious meltdown on a big holiday. Please do something kind for yourself today. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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