I think Ds's uni roommate is bipolar.

[Plucky]

I don't have a problem with bipolar, but the kid went off his meds and is self medicating with alcohol. He's manic half the time and depressed the other.

 

He was taken to the emergency room one time for combining his meds & alcohol & almost killing himself. So he went off his meds & is just drinking. :glare: He was much better when he was on his meds & NOT drinking. The kid's friends from high school said he was stable until he hit college 2 months ago.

 

Any suggestions?

[Barb_]

Oh no. Sorry sorry your son must deal with this. I would have your son start keeping a journal so that if he feels he has to go to the authorities for his own safety of for the safety of his roommate, he has a paper trail of what's happening. The college will react swiftly if he contacts someone in charge. They don't want to be in the news.

 

Is there any way his old friends can contact the boy's parents?

[Sara in AZ]

I don't have advice, but that is a tough situation. I lived with a girl in grad school who WAS medicated for bipolar, and that was tough enough. She was a dear friend, too, but it was so hard to be around when she was on the downward side of the swings. (ALthough she was a lot of fun when she was manic!) She always tried to be nice to me, but she really took it out on our third roommate at those times. There were several suicide attempts, and eventually a success along the way, too. Truly, truly sad. :sad:

 

I'd see if I could find my son an alternate living arrangement if the roommate is engaging in dangerous behaviors.

[Caroline]

I had a bipolar college roommate. No one listened to me. I stopped sleeping there. She finally was hospitalized and got the help she needed. My parents almost made me drop out of school the next semester because I was so shaken up. I don't have any advice. It was scary. I slept at my boyfriend's apartment. (I am now married to him.) I told our sorority advisor, who was also her academic advisor, and was told I was making things up. When she swallowed the bottle of Tylenol, finally she got help. And I was blamed for not telling anyone. It was awful. And it wasn't her fault. She and I are still good friends. Our sorority advisor still will not talk to me.

 

Can you get in touch with the roommate's parents?

[tex-mex]

Very common for kids with mental illness to wash out of college by year one. The Residence Life folk and roomie's parents need to be informed. If it is an issue, they will expell the student to a residential private clinic or hospitialization due to liability issues. As a former RC, I dealt with this issue.

Edited October 28, 2012 by tex-mex

[jelbe5]

As sad as I would be (and am) for the roommate, I would be very very concerned for my child. This situation is a possible ticking time bomb. How is your child currently being impacted? How will he be impacted if the room mate becomes out of control or attempts to hurt himself? I would be making an effort to figure out another possible room mate situation. Your first responsibility is to your own child. But by agitating for your child you may help rock the boat to get the room mate help.

[Starr]

If anyone can track down his parents they need to know. The college won't tell them. :( We had a student show up at our house with mental health issues. A professor friend of mine told me it was good the student came here because we were able to reach the mother. It's not tattling, it's his life.

[Caroline]

If anyone can track down his parents they need to know. The college won't tell them. :( We had a student show up at our house with mental health issues. A professor friend of mine told me it was good the student came here because we were able to reach the mother. It's not tattling, it's his life.

 

:iagree:

 

With my roommate, I assumed the university contacted her parents when I reported it. They didn't. At 19, I wasn't equipped to deal with the situation. I wish I had known more. Of contacted someone. Or done the right thing. (Or her boyfriend had done something.)

[Catwoman]

Have your ds get a new room assignment. NOW.

 

It's nice to feel sorry for this kid and want to help him, but your ds should NOT be living with him right now.

[Mergath]

:iagree:

 

With my roommate, I assumed the university contacted her parents when I reported it. They didn't. At 19, I wasn't equipped to deal with the situation. I wish I had known more. Of contacted someone. Or done the right thing. (Or her boyfriend had done something.)

 

Colleges normally can't contact parents with something like this. They aren't allowed to share information about confidential things like the student's academic or medical status with the parents unless the student has signed the forms saying that it's okay.

 

OP, do you know for sure that the kid is bipolar, or are you just guessing based on what your ds told you? Either way, I think he should let the RA know, and then request a room change if he's uncomfortable with the situation. I would, however, tell him not to tell anyone else. If he starts telling people his roommate is bipolar/crazy/whathaveyou, he could get in trouble for spreading around rumors or confidential medical info.

[Catwoman]

I would, however, tell him not to tell anyone else. If he starts telling people his roommate is bipolar/crazy/whathaveyou, he could get in trouble for spreading around rumors or confidential medical info.

 

:iagree:

 

And realistically, if this kid has mental issues and "medicates" with a lot of alcohol, he could quite conceivably be physically dangerous to your ds if he felt your ds had ratted him out to others and caused him to feel embarrassed and humiliated.

[Plucky]

This is an engineering/STEM fraternity that is dry. Of course people can drink off property, but no drinking parties are allowed. All of the rooms are taken except for the basement rooms and ds doesn't want to move down there. He honestly likes his roommate a lot until last week. He loves his fraternity.

 

The kid destroyed several rooms & almost jumped out a window when everyone else in the house went on a retreat a few weeks ago. That is when he called 911. His parents know and encouraged him to go off his meds.

 

I do not know for a fact that he is bipolar, but from what I am hearing it matches the symptoms I know about. He isn't doing very well in school this 1st quarter and I'm worried that may set him off, too. I talked to my ds about talking to leadership and ds says he doesn't feel it is to that point yet. Leadership is aware that he has issues and they've had meetings about it because it resulted in damage to their house.

 

I am worried, but I have to let ds make these decisions right now. He says I don't really know the real situation and he is right, but he is 18 and I've experienced a lot more than him. Sigh.

[Plucky]

:iagree:

 

And realistically, if this kid has mental issues and "medicates" with a lot of alcohol, he could quite conceivably be physically dangerous to your ds if he felt your ds had ratted him out to others and caused him to feel embarrassed and humiliated.

 

Yep, that's another fear.

[NittanyJen]

I had a bipolar roommate. The mood swings got to be a bit much, and a mentor who had a daughter doing a couple of semesters abroad let me move into his daughter's room and treated me like his own daughter, which was a relief, and saved my college career. I tried going to the RA and the U authorities. It turns out the family was trying to hide her disorder from the university, and her parents showed up and threatened to sue me if I said anything more, as she was applying to medical school (she is now a physician :/ ). They swore to the U that I was lying. They donated more money to the U than my parents did. Guess who won in the end?

 

Good luck. It is a tough situation.

[Unicorn.]

Then I would encourage your ds to move to the basement. His life and academics are more important right now, than trying to be nice to his roommate. If leadership and parents aren't going to do anything, then he needs to protect himself.

[Plucky]

Then I would encourage your ds to move to the basement. His life and academics are more important right now, than trying to be nice to his roommate. If leadership and parents aren't going to do anything, then he needs to protect himself.

 

We talked more. He told me there is one more room he could move into with friends. It would be a triple, but he likes the guys.

 

Ds is also going to talk to one of the leaders in depth Monday & figure something out.

 

Thanks everyone for the advice.

[tex-mex]

Then I would encourage your ds to move to the basement. His life and academics are more important right now, than trying to be nice to his roommate. If leadership and parents aren't going to do anything, then he needs to protect himself.

:iagree:

[kalanamak]

His parents know and encouraged him to go off his meds.

 

 

This is more common than one would think ....

[spaceman]

 

Can you get in touch with the roommate's parents?

 

I suggest the same.

 

I would DEFINITELY NOT assume that telling someone in authority in the college will do anything.

 

That's a tough situation to be in, I feel for all of you.

[spaceman]

I missed some of the posts before I responded.

 

I hope you guys are able to get him out of there ASAP.

[Barb_]

We talked more. He told me there is one more room he could move into with friends. It would be a triple, but he likes the guys.

 

 

 

Yes. ASAP.

[Alphabetika]

As sad as I would be (and am) for the roommate, I would be very very concerned for my child. This situation is a possible ticking time bomb. How is your child currently being impacted? How will he be impacted if the room mate becomes out of control or attempts to hurt himself? I would be making an effort to figure out another possible room mate situation. Your first responsibility is to your own child. But by agitating for your child you may help rock the boat to get the room mate help.

 

:iagree: My freshman roommate was severely depressed and suicidal (once attempting suicide while I was asleep - I woke up to police and EMT's in the room and she spent weeks in the hospital) and it had a huge impact on me. Advocate for your son. Report what's going on to the residence director. Don't let anyone brush you off.

 

ETA: I hadn't read all of the posts so I now know that your ds is seeking another situation. GOOD.

Edited October 29, 2012 by Alphabetika

[katilac]

I'll play devil's advocate a bit. While I would certainly recommend that your son be cautious and document any issues, I don't think there's enough information yet to assume that the roommate is bipolar or dangerous, especially considering what is known versus what is possibly rumors or assumptions.

 

It is known that he had one major episode that resulted in vandalism and hospitilisation; most definitely cause for concern, but it does not sound like there were any ongoing issues in the two months before this. Being "on meds" covers a wide, WIDE range of territory. Excessive alcohol induces stupidity nicely all on its own.

 

I would consider all the information on illness and meds to be rumor. I can't imagine that the parents went around proclaiming to all and sundry that they told ds to go off prescribed meds, so I would take that with a grain of salt.

 

Again, I am not at all downplaying that the episode certainly sounds serious, and that the roommate could potentially be a big problem. However, I'd probably be okay with waiting, especially as it doesn't sound like your ds will be going very far even if he does change rooms. I would meet with the house leaders, and let it be known that there are concerns, and that a room change will be requested if problems continue. This should be done in person, with a followup via email for documentation.

 

fwiw, I have experience dealing with both difficult roommates and people with bipolar disorder.

[FaithManor]

1. Your son needs to cover his own behind from retribution should this go very badly, by lodging complaints about the alcohol and behavior with the housing director, the RA, and the RD. He should take a written statement to the housing director and refuse to leave until it's signed. This way he can show he went to through proper channels.

 

2. Move to the basement or at least find friends and crash with them. My first semester college roomate was seriously unstable. I couldn't get the housing director to listen to me, but I did the above - more than once and made a ruckus when she wouldn't sign the statements which ended with her nice, neat, autograph on my documentation - and at the end of the semester when said roomate was hospitalized, I also took statements from other girls on my floor that I had had to sleep in their dorm rooms, move my more valuable possessions in with them or off compus, etc. because of her. My parents used this as leverage to have my room charges reimbursed! They threatened to take it to the dean and the president that a mentally ill girl had been so neglected, once reported, that I'd had to live somewhere else while paying for my room. That worked. Funds were put back in my account.

 

3. Have as little interaction with roomate as possible from this time forward.

 

:grouphug: Hope your son is able to find a solution.

 

Faith

[Impish]

Have your ds get a new room assignment. NOW.

 

It's nice to feel sorry for this kid and want to help him, but your ds should NOT be living with him right now.

:iagree:

[Seasider]

Before the Penn State debacle, I would have thought this course of action to be rather over-reactive. However, now I would do just what Faith has suggested.

 

 

1. Your son needs to cover his own behind from retribution should this go very badly, by lodging complaints about the alcohol and behavior with the housing director, the RA, and the RD. He should take a written statement to the housing director and refuse to leave until it's signed. This way he can show he went to through proper channels.

 

2. Move to the basement or at least find friends and crash with them. My first semester college roomate was seriously unstable. I couldn't get the housing director to listen to me, but I did the above - more than once and made a ruckus when she wouldn't sign the statements which ended with her nice, neat, autograph on my documentation - and at the end of the semester when said roomate was hospitalized, I also took statements from other girls on my floor that I had had to sleep in their dorm rooms, move my more valuable possessions in with them or off compus, etc. because of her. My parents used this as leverage to have my room charges reimbursed! They threatened to take it to the dean and the president that a mentally ill girl had been so neglected, once reported, that I'd had to live somewhere else while paying for my room. That worked. Funds were put back in my account.

 

3. Have as little interaction with roomate as possible from this time forward.

 

:grouphug: Hope your son is able to find a solution.

 

Faith

[jelbe5]

This is an engineering/STEM fraternity that is dry.

 

The kid destroyed several rooms & almost jumped out a window when everyone else in the house went on a retreat a few weeks ago. That is when he called 911. His parents know and encouraged him to go off his meds.

 

I talked to my ds about talking to leadership and ds says he doesn't feel it is to that point yet. Leadership is aware that he has issues and they've had meetings about it because it resulted in damage to their house.

 

I am worried, but I have to let ds make these decisions right now. He says I don't really know the real situation and he is right, but he is 18 and I've experienced a lot more than him. Sigh.

 

:eek:

 

This is very, very serious, imho. This type of thing could easily go south and even result in the fraternity losing their charter/house (DH works at a University which is NOT tolerant of this type of thing). There are liability issues here as well as safety issues. If he destroyed property the next thing could be physical assault on other fraternity members. What I wonder is why he has not been expelled from the fraternity. While I am sympathetic to the young man's mental health issues he is NOT handling things in a safe or responsible manner. I would suggest the fraternity members seek help in organizing an intervention with very clear consequences for continued drinking and not taking the prescribed medication. And for what it is worth it sounds as though the parents are in total denial and have issues of their own! Perhaps the bill for the damaged rooms needs to be sent to them.

 

Just fyi . . . I myself was a very unstable force when I was a young adult in college. It took me a number of years to get my act together and this was after I had done a considerable amount of damage to myself and others. So I am not just spouting off here. This young man needs help but there is only so much others can do. But those others have EVERY RIGHT to be protected from the terrorism, walking on eggshells, etc. which is possibly going on right now. There is a good chance this young man will get help/better faster if others will refuse to put up with such behavior.

Edited October 29, 2012 by jelbe5