Nestof3 Posted October 16, 2012 Author Share Posted October 16, 2012 Thank you everyone. I told my dad, and his response was, "I hope it works out for them." I told my brother, and his response was, "Interesting." Yes, I want them all the happiness, but I am worried. Already, there is tension because he wants to stay in this job position, but she doesn't want him to. Already, it is clear that she has taken over the mothering role. I know, because I was the mom for so many years. I know he still isn't balancing his checkbook. I can see her doing it, and though it is cute now because she is so in love, it will not be cute 14 years from now. Between their student loans, it will take 34 years to pay it off at $350 a month. He works at this new company that pays him for 40 hours a week at an hourly wage but has required him several times to stay later for no extra pay. He's okay with this. He signed a contract when he started working for them, but he didn't get a copy of it. He is just so young. He says he will finish his class, which he will take at night, while still working full time. He has been a semester without the foreign language, and he couldn't handle it when he wasn't working at all. Thanks to all for being my friends and listening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted October 16, 2012 Author Share Posted October 16, 2012 Hey Dawn, since your 12 yo is still unattached, maybe we should talk about arranging a marriage btwn him and Diva. I mean, if you don't mind him marrying an older woman. We just can't leave these things to chance, yanno. Another yr or 2, and Diva could be an old maid! :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted October 16, 2012 Author Share Posted October 16, 2012 Thank you! I did keep my mouth shut about my concerns. When he disclosed his work issues and such, I just breathed, but she would look at me like, "See -- this isn't good" and then I didn't know what to do. They asked me to help in any way to keep the cost down. I'm crafty and good with the computer, so I agreed to help. I also offered her my wedding dress if she wanted it (my husband mentioned it). I feel a little torn, though, because I have been somewhat relegated to the stepmom status, and I am wondering if I should save it for one of my biological sons. Dawn. :grouphug: I'm sure your reaction was great. I can only imagine how I'll feel when my dss, who is now 15, brings home a fiance. I'll be happy and sad at the same time. Dawn, my MIL is gone, too. And I'd be BLESSED to have you as a MIL. You are a wonderful addition to our Hive, and I'm sure you will be a blessing to your son and future DIL a they travel the road of 'newly married couple'. I had the same thought as Scarlett. You know, marriage does have a way of maturing a person much more quickly than the 'I'm so in love with my wonderful boyfriend/girlfriend' phase does. It will be painful for them, for sure. It's painful for ALL of us sometimes, especially at the beginning. But you can pray that the Lord will bless their marriage, that they will make wise decisions, and that you, your dh, and your younger boys can be a blessing to them as well. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 Thank you! I did keep my mouth shut about my concerns. When he disclosed his work issues and such, I just breathed, but she would look at me like, "See -- this isn't good" and then I didn't know what to do. They asked me to help in any way to keep the cost down. I'm crafty and good with the computer, so I agreed to help. I also offered her my wedding dress if she wanted it (my husband mentioned it). I feel a little torn, though, because I have been somewhat relegated to the stepmom status, and I am wondering if I should save it for one of my biological sons. Oh Dawn, that's a tough one. It *can* be hurtful when we're relegated to 'stepmom status', can't it? Trust me; you know I know. But offer her the dress. You will never, ever regret extending a kindness to her or your son. Really. I mean yes, sometimes it hurts when we extend a kindness, and then we're either walked on or not appreciated enough. But you know what Jesus said about that; offer your cloak as well. Turn to them the other cheek. Someday, they will have your grandchildren. NOW is the time to start setting a good relationship with the future wife so that she will include you in the grandkid's lives. Just because she wears your dress does not mean Ben or Nathan's future wife cannot wear it, too. Just be sure she understands you are LENDING it, because you want to save it for the younger boys wives to use it if they'd like, too. Also, you never know. She may rather use her own mother's, or pick her own dress. But just the fact that you offer the dress for her use is a very kind and bonding-like gesture. It was very sweet of them to ask you to help. Even if their main reason is because they want to keep the cost down. I'm sure you'll find ways to bless them. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 Thank you! I did keep my mouth shut about my concerns. When he disclosed his work issues and such, I just breathed, but she would look at me like, "See -- this isn't good" and then I didn't know what to do. They asked me to help in any way to keep the cost down. I'm crafty and good with the computer, so I agreed to help. I also offered her my wedding dress if she wanted it (my husband mentioned it). I feel a little torn, though, because I have been somewhat relegated to the stepmom status, and I am wondering if I should save it for one of my biological sons. Well, you could offer to *loan* the gown. So it has to come back. 2nd, I'm not sure any of your boys would look good in it. :tongue_smilie: Also, it's a bit unusual, ime, for the girl to want to wear the MIL's dress. If she uses someone's, rather than buying her own, it's always been from her family/circle of friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renthead Mommy Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 Let her wear the dress if she wants. People save wedding dressing thinking their children will wear them and it almost never works that way. Either the sizing is too different, the style is too out of date or they just don't want it. The odds of this DIL wanting the dress AND another DIL wanting it sometime in the future are pretty pretty slim I think. Especially since I'm thinking you've only been married about 15 years. Not really long enough for style to go and come back again as a retro sort of look that would now be "in". If she wants a big, glitzy, dress, you can rent them for so much cheaper than buy them. Plus you don't have to store them for years and years. That was my orginal plan. But then one of my best friends was starting up a design business and designed a dress for me. That was the only reason I was willing to buy one, because he was going to make it for me. In the end, we got married quick and I wore an off the rack regular dress that I later cut up to make a baptism outfit out of for my son. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted October 16, 2012 Author Share Posted October 16, 2012 Yes, you all are right. The dress is not a big deal. I was thinking back over the conversation, and I recall her saying she gave him until the beginning of December to propose. That didn't really sit right with me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 I would probably go to a ladies' lunch with her and discuss some of your concerns. I wouldn't phrase it as, "Yeah, he doesn't have a good job." But as, "You understand, this is who he is, what his values are and the job he's happy with..." She may not like it, but going in thinking she's going to change everything about him is a BAD plan. If she's not willing to marry a guy who is happy making $10 an hour for the rest of his life, she needs to get happy about it or slow things down. He may change on his own, but it's not something to be your life on. And over the long run I think people can become resentful of those who force them to change. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 Yes, you all are right. The dress is not a big deal. I was thinking back over the conversation, and I recall her saying she gave him until the beginning of December to propose. That didn't really sit right with me. Sounds like she knows what she wants in life. I had to give dh an ultimatum. He'd been stringing me along for 2 years and I gave him six months to make up his mind. But I was 31 at the time and needed to end it or get married and get on with life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted October 16, 2012 Author Share Posted October 16, 2012 Sounds like she knows what she wants in life. I had to give dh an ultimatum. He'd been stringing me along for 2 years and I gave him six months to make up his mind. But I was 31 at the time and needed to end it or get married and get on with life. They've known each other for 10 months, and she's only 20. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenL Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 Dawn, just keep praying over all this. If the soon-to-be DIL is already giving ultimatums, etc, they may not even make it to May. Until then, pray for them, for your son, and for your heart to remain soft & open to what is happening. God's plan is always bigger than ours, and there is much power in prayer. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted October 17, 2012 Share Posted October 17, 2012 Yes, I want them all the happiness, but I am worried. Already, there is tension because he wants to stay in this job position, but she doesn't want him to. My mother didn't hand out advice often, but this one is worth its weight in gold: Never marry a man with the intention of changing him: you won't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 My mother didn't hand out advice often, but this one is worth its weight in gold: Never marry a man with the intention of changing him: you won't. :iagree: My own personal motto: men are not home improvement projects :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Georgiana Daniels Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 :iagree:My own personal motto: men are not home improvement projects :D They're not?:001_huh: Guess I've been doing it wrong. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 They're not?:001_huh: Guess I've been doing it wrong. :lol: Never take on someone that has foundation issues ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 My mother didn't hand out advice often, but this one is worth its weight in gold: Never marry a man with the intention of changing him: you won't. :iagree:My own personal motto: men are not home improvement projects :D :iagree: But I've known many a starry-eyed 20-something girl who was just so sure she was the exception to the rule. I do hope for the best for Dawn's son and fiancée. I hope for some much needed maturation for them, and for their lives to blessed with wisdom (which they could get in spades from Dawn). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 I'd be willing to bet there is nothing like marriage to solve that whole didn't finish college/working for $10/hr thing. So look on the upside. I hope it works well for them and your whole family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 I would probably go to a ladies' lunch with her and discuss some of your concerns. I wouldn't phrase it as, "Yeah, he doesn't have a good job." But as, "You understand, this is who he is, what his values are and the job he's happy with..." She may not like it, but going in thinking she's going to change everything about him is a BAD plan. If she's not willing to marry a guy who is happy making $10 an hour for the rest of his life, she needs to get happy about it or slow things down. He may change on his own, but it's not something to be your life on. And over the long run I think people can become resentful of those who force them to change. :iagree: That's an excellent idea. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 I would probably go to a ladies' lunch with her and discuss some of your concerns. I wouldn't phrase it as, "Yeah, he doesn't have a good job." But as, "You understand, this is who he is, what his values are and the job he's happy with..." She may not like it, but going in thinking she's going to change everything about him is a BAD plan. If she's not willing to marry a guy who is happy making $10 an hour for the rest of his life, she needs to get happy about it or slow things down. He may change on his own, but it's not something to be your life on. And over the long run I think people can become resentful of those who force them to change. That may backfire -- big time. I have found that life has a way of throwing curveballs and forcing young immature men to "grow up". ;) Let the kids figure this out on their own. He may actually get a better paying job to appease her? Love can make men do strange things. I would stay out of it and just smile. :D Dh and I married young (I was 19) and we are still together... 25 years later. Let them figure it out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 Stay out of all of it. Be there. Be supportive. Be non-intrusive. MYOB. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 That may backfire -- big time. I have found that life has a way of throwing curveballs and forcing young immature men to "grow up". ;) Let the kids figure this out on their own. He may actually get a better paying job to appease her? Love can make men do strange things. I would stay out of it and just smile. :D Dh and I married young (I was 19) and we are still together... 25 years later. Let them figure it out. :iagree: that might just get the fiancée annoyed with the OP. Better to let the young couple work it out themselves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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