Hospital question

[marbel]

This is just a curiosity thing.

 

Last week I ended up in the ER with a kidney infection. My husband took me in about midnight and I think it was about 2am when they said they were going to admit me and do a non-incision surgical procedure. At the point they started prepping me, I asked my husband to please go home.

 

He did. Our kids had never been home alone overnight (though they are old enough to be), my son is sick and his sickness is exacerbated by anxiety (which might be caused by mom going to the ER at midnight, you think?), my husband hoped/needed to be at work the next day if possible... it made no sense to me for him to sit around while I was under general anesthesia.

 

But afterwards hospital personnel made some comments that sounded like he was wrong to leave. "Did your husband leave you here all alone?" kind of questions. I found myself defending him, saying "I made him leave!" It was really weird.

 

Surely not everyone who goes to the hospital has someone who can hang around while they have a procedure done. I was being admitted for at least 24 hours, so there was no need for him to be there. It wasn't like he was offering moral support such as a husband gives during labor. ;)

 

Just wondering - did we commit some sort of faux pas or break protocol in some way? We are not clued in on hospital/surgery etiquette. ;)

[staceyobu]

My advice as a nurse is to never be in the hospital by yourself. Ideally, you will always have someone to advocate for you. It is also generally helpful if you have someone to fetch you ice chips, juice, etc. There isn't always enough staff to quickly do these sorts of things.

 

However, that is my best case scenario. Ideally, it doesn't always work out. We have four young kids and no family nearby. I probably would have sent my own DH home. You didn't break protocol or anything. Hope all is well now!

[DianeW88]

My advice as a nurse is to never be in the hospital by yourself. Ideally, you will always have someone to advocate for you. It is also generally helpful if you have someone to fetch you ice chips, juice, etc. There isn't always enough staff to quickly do these sorts of things.

 

However, that is my best case scenario. Ideally, it doesn't always work out. We have four young kids and no family nearby. I probably would have sent my own DH home. You didn't break protocol or anything. Hope all is well now!

 

:iagree: We don't like to see patients there by themselves. Especially if they're having surgery. It is always best to have a family member in the waiting room and easily accessible. Things can and do go wrong. So yes, in a way you did commit a bit of a faux pas by sending him home.

[athena1277]

Why dd was a toddler, dh was in the hospital for 6 days with a bad infection. Someone (me or his parents) stayed with him around the clock the first 2 days, because he was on morphine (knocked him out) and therefore could not accurately tell anyone what was going on or tell me what a doctor had told him. We also did not know what was wrong at first. It took that long for the doctors to figure out what was wrong (initial symptoms could have been a couple things). After that I spent a lot of time at the hospital, but did not stay around the clock as dh could communicate coherently.

 

All that to say I think it depends on the situation. If a patient needs an advocate to speak/listen for them, someone needs to be there. If they are coherent, it's ok to go home and rest. Of course, that's just my $.02.

[TheTwinsMom1]

My SO stays during the actual procedure and once I am back in my room and resting he will take the kids home. (Ours have autism). Nobody has ever said anything to us. Not much for SO to do while I am sleeping and on pain meds anyhow.

[OnTheBrink]

When I had my melanoma surgery, they suggested EX and my folks leave and go have lunch, as the surgery would take a while. The hospital made sure they had ex's and my mother's cell numbers, but other than that, they weren't needed.

 

I don't think you did anything wrong.

[Mommyof4ks]

You guys did nothing wrong, it was the practical thing to do. That said, my son was nearly given the wrong meds twice in the hospital, once because the nurse mixed up patients and once because the doc put it in wrong (dose too high). There are several people in between the doc's orders and the nurse giving meds and mistakes happen, so someone needs to double check everything, and the patient is not always able to do that due to pain meds given or whatever.

[Catherine]

There's no social requirement, and certainly no actual requirement, that a family member stay. But I've seen SO many disasters averted, so many people calmed and cared for by family members, that I know it's ideal for someone to stay. But we all understand how difficult it is for people who do not have extended family nearby to care for children, etc. You just have to do the best you can, *with the knowledge that hospitals are very complex systems where mistakes happen even with the best intentions and the best available prevention systems in place.*

[mommyto4]

I have had to spend a lot of time alone in the ER. My husband had to be home to take care of the kids. I hated it, but alas... Worst time was when I had a skin infection and was there with my 3 week old daughter alone. The nurses were not helpful at all.

 

I don't think it is ideal, but if the kids need your husband more, then he should go home.

[Pink Fairy]

My mom's a nurse, and she says it's important to have a family member there to advocate for you.

 

I know it's not always possible, but I would not have sent my husband home if there were other viable options. Absent that, what can you do? Just your best, and it sounds like you did. :grouphug:

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

There's no social requirement, and certainly no actual requirement, that a family member stay. But I've seen SO many disasters averted, so many people calmed and cared for by family members, that I know it's ideal for someone to stay. But we all understand how difficult it is for people who do not have extended family nearby to care for children, etc. You just have to do the best you can, *with the knowledge that hospitals are very complex systems where mistakes happen even with the best intentions and the best available prevention systems in place.*

 

:iagree:

 

And from someone dealing with similar stuff, :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Did you have a stent put in?

[GoVanGogh]

I had a parent in ICU for a month earlier this year. One of my siblings wanted a family member in ICU with the parent around the clock, "so they would never be alone if they woke up." Thing was, they were only "awake" (but not coherent) about 30 seconds every few hours. If there was one person with them and they turned their back for one minute, they could easily miss those few seconds the parent had their eyes open.

Then one of my siblings ended up in the hospital, too. It would have been comical if it wasn't such an awful time.

The nurses and doctors finally told us to go home, as they were worried we were running ourselves down and our parent would need us much more after they got home. Some of us took that advice. One sibling chose to stay at the bedside as much as possible.

Truth is: In a situation like that, it may be ideal to keep someone at the hospital. But is it practical? Not really.

Just sharing my experience because the hospital staff advised us totally opposite your hospital.

[Element]

:iagree: We don't like to see patients there by themselves. Especially if they're having surgery. It is always best to have a family member in the waiting room and easily accessible. Things can and do go wrong. So yes, in a way you did commit a bit of a faux pas by sending him home.

 

Huh. I never knew this. I have had a few problems, hospitalizations, and surgeries here and there and dh is almost never there with me. I wouldn't let him and he wouldn't want to be. If you don't have anyone to watch the kids, you don't have anyone to watch the kids.

 

I totally understand the nurses' perspective here, I'm just sympathizing with the OP: BTDT, it happens. Even if it's not ideal, it happens.

[marbel]

OK, thanks for the different perspectives. I have had very limited dealings with hospitals. And, I am a very practical person so I didn't think beyond wondering what good it did anyone to have my husband sitting up all night in a chair. And I knew my kids were up and worrying. Thankful that they are old enough to leave at home. I don't know what we'd have done if we couldn't have done that. I am sure people have had to drag their kids out with them... I feel for anyone who has to.

 

Anyway, I see the point now. I wouldn't/couldn't have done anything differently, but at least now I know.

 

The floor nurses, by the way, were terrific! They were very kind and didn't make any remarks. It was more the people who moved me around, from ER to OR to recovery to room.... I would love for my daughter to go into nursing but she keeps reminding me how much she hates science... oh well.

 

And from someone dealing with similar stuff, :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Did you have a stent put in?

 

I did. It was a kidney infection from a stone. Mostly better now, though I have antibiotics and a followup appointment or two.

 

Good times! ;)

[DianeW88]

Huh. I never knew this. I have had a few problems, hospitalizations, and surgeries here and there and dh is almost never there with me. I wouldn't let him and he wouldn't want to be. If you don't have anyone to watch the kids, you don't have anyone to watch the kids.

 

I totally understand the nurses' perspective here, I'm just sympathizing with the OP: BTDT, it happens. Even if it's not ideal, it happens.

 

Yep, I totally get that, and I hope I didn't make anyone feel bad about their decisions...that wasn't my intention. I just always feel better when I see a patient with a family member. Keep in mind though, that my patients are kiddos, so that makes a difference. I hate seeing them by themselves in the hospital...hate it, but unfortunately, in some situations they have to be left there alone as well.

 

And I can also see how *some* dhs might be more harmful than helpful. :lol:

 

Hope you're feeling better, OP!!

[Element]

Yep, I totally get that, and I hope I didn't make anyone feel bad about their decisions...that wasn't my intention. I just always feel better when I see a patient with a family member. Keep in mind though, that my patients are kiddos, so that makes a difference. I hate seeing them by themselves in the hospital...hate it, but unfortunately, in some situations they have to be left there alone as well.

 

 

:crying: Oh, that would break my heart too. Can I just say? I wish every day was "thank a nurse day." Seriously, thank you (to all our WTM nurses) for all you do.

[Lawana]

Ideally, we would always have someone to advocate for us when in hospital. In real life, we do what we have to do.

 

Just last week, I called EMS after MIL had a fall. She lives with us and has been mostly independent. This was her first fall of any significance, and she was in considerable pain. As luck would have it, dh was out of town on business that could not be interrupted without serious professional consequenses. So I went to the hospital with MIL, leaving dc at home. I stayed with her until I could get a ride home, some 20 hours later. She was in so much pain that she could not readily understand the reasons for the tests/xrays/blood work that she needed. Without me there, she would have been left without anyone advocating for her need for pain medication, and without someone to be gathering facts about her condition. As it turned out, she had fractured her pelvis and also had a mild heart attack, although that wasn't discovered until almost 20 hours later.

 

From that point on, I had to make decisions about where my presence was most needed─at the hospital with MIL, or with dc. At their ages (13 and 16) they were able to do routine care of themselves, but they most definitely felt the need to have their mother present. I did the best I could, but felt I was short changing both MIL and the kids.

 

Without a present advocate, a patient's needs are looked after by the nursing staff, but are prioritized with all the other patients' needs. An advocate can interrupt the system enough to say, "My (insert relationsip) needs this, now." Most of the time, probably, it will all work out fine.

[GWOB]

One time my dh went to the emergency room with severe abdominal pain. He refused to let me drive him since I was waiting for my oldest to get off the bus. We thought it was either a gall bladder or appendix thing, but we were a Navy family far from home. After my dd got home, I dropped off the kids at a friend's house and went to see dh. When I arrived, the doctors were talking appendicitis with necessary surgery. I stayed long enough for them to rule that out and diagnose him with a vicious stomach bug. Dh just wanted to sleep. He told me to go home and take care of the kids while he spent the night in the hospital. We did what we had to do.

 

My dh was always there when I actually had our babies, but I told him to leave and take care of our kids about an hour after delivery. That's just how we do things.

 

I'm sure we would be there for one another if something major was happening. We have just be so isolated for so long that we just expect each other to deal with minor medical procedures. And if I am honest, spending the night in the hospital sounds like a vacation for dh and me.

 

So, for generally healthy people with no complicated medical history, I see no problem with a spouse leaving to deal with life.

[Lizzie in Ma]

I have learned the hard way to never, ever, leave someone alone in the hospital. It isn't an etiquette thing, it is a safety thing.

I understand you felt the kids needed him more and you did what you felt you had to do, but next time perhaps you could call someone to go to the kids.

An advocate is absolutely critical when someone is in the hospital.

[Jenny in Florida]

I was in the hospital for a couple of days recently, and I drove myself there, checked in by myself, etc. My family came to visit a two or three times while I was there, but it would have driven me insane having them hang around the whole time. I was self-conscious when they were there, even for an hour to visit.

 

I wasn't having surgery, though, but I don't think that would have changed my feelings about the whole thing.