Husband no longer supportive

[Sctigermom]

I have 3 kids ages 6,4, and 1. We have always homeschooled our oldest. This year we will continue to. Our 4 yr old dd will attend preschool this yr. she very adament about refusing to hs and begged her daddy to not make her. Even though I don't "school" at 4. It will give my oldest some time alone to finish his work. The issue is my hubby wants to evaluate my son's hs progress/attitude in December and decide whether he can continue to hs. I told him that he is fine and the attitude will get worse at ps. He has it in his head that both kids should enroll in ps next fall no matter what. He won't give me concrete reasons. He says things like he loves to learn (hello...that's what we do daily), he might take direction better from a teacher, and the infamous he would be around kids daily. What do you do when there is a disagreement on something big like this? He swears if ds doesn't like it he can go right back to hs. He thinks I'm trying to hold onto him as a baby and not let him out into the world.

[Parrothead]

Introduce him to other homeschool dads.

[Lily_Grace]

Restate the issues back to him. I find it's really helpful in getting to the root of the problem.

 

Ex:

Him: He needs to be around other kids.

You: *deep breath* you're worried that he's too isolated right now.

 

Get on the same page with the problem, and then look for solutions.

[NotSoObvious]

It took my husband A good year and a half to really see hsing as something other than a last resort, but we have already had the school years to compare it to. For my husband, it took being around lots of different families, both hs and ps, and watching their kids grow and change. I also share a lot with him when I go to conferences or read a book. I'm a former teacher and still pretty socially connected to my school, so he still hears all the drama. There are no rose colored glasses when it comes to ps. We know we'd just be dealing with new problems. Also, our schedule is a big deal. My husband travels and when he's home, he gets to be with the girls all the time. I remind him what life would be like if we were stuck to the school schedule.

 

Good luck.

 

Excuse my writing. I'm on the dumb iPad.

[tammieb]

It took my husband A good year and a half to really see hsing as something other than a last resort, but we have already had the school years to compare it to. For my husband, it took being around lots of different families, both hs and ps, and watching their kids grow and change. I also share a lot with him when I go to conferences or read a book. .

 

 

 

This is very similar to our situation. I had a desire to homeschool my daughter before she ever went to kindergarten. The only taste of homeschooling my husband had ever had was by seeing people who did NOT do it correctly (no structure, not finishing their work, etc). Well, that school year was the worst 9 months of ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL of our lives! He's one of these "once you start it you stick it out" kind of people. We got to the end of that school year and RAN!!!!!! LONG story!!!

 

Once your hubby SEES the difference in your son from homeschooling to going to preschool, I'm certain he will hands down agree homeschooling is for the best. The only problem is you'll have the "issues" in your son that have developed by the infamous socialization to UNDO once you get him home.

 

If your relationship with your hubby is open and honest, share your heart with him. Like this lady mentioned, don't pound him over the head with it, but give him tools / evidences to the greater advantages of homeschooling.

 

One thing that helped my husband (and me!) when we began homeschooling was we came up with specific goals we wanted to attain by the end of each schoolyear. Not just academically. Emotionally, spiritually, character training, etc. When he sees you have a plan, his ideas of what homeschooling is all about will most likely change.

 

Hope it works out for you.

 

Tammie

[Nestof3]

Your oldest is 6? We didn't even start schooling until then. Honestly, I don't know what to tell you. Could he attend a seminar or convention on homeschooling?

 

Does he think that because he wants them in school, they should go to school? I mean, does he think that when your opinions differ, he should get what he wants?

 

More honestly, his statements hardly sound like someone who has really watched, studied, learned about homeschooling. I would have a hard time treating an opinion like an expert one if it clearly came from someone who was not an expert.

 

Does he really know what kids in public school learn in kindergarten and first grade?

 

Now, none of this is valid if you are the type that homeschools in theory but doesn't actually do it. I can see a husband doubting if he feels you are not really giving it your best shot.

 

Again, I always saw kindergarten as public daycare, and though I read to my children and they played all sorts of beneficial things, I saw no need to formally school until first grade. Even then, it didn't take much time. So much of what schools do is busy work and crafts.

[In the Rain]

I agree with Chucki about getting together with other homeschool dads and families. Hearing men talk about why they chose homeschooling made an impact on my dh. It is different than hearing his wife talk about a book she read or what some women on the internet say, IYKWIM. These are real men describing issues with their children, some of whom are old enough to have attended public school already. It also gave my dh a chance to see the hs'ed kids and know that they weren't social idiots. ;)

[Jean in Newcastle]

While I've said that I've homeschooled since pre-K since we did a lot of planned learning, in a lot of people's minds, real schooling doesn't start until grade 1 - which typically is age 6. I don't think your husband's reluctance at this age is coincidental.

 

I like the suggestions that people have given for him meeting some homeschool dads.

 

It sounds like you have some behavioral reasons for homeschooling. Had you tried small group situations and found your son a handful? Are you working on character at home and having any progress? Or by attitude does he simply mean measuring if a 6 year old wants to do this?

 

Personally, I believe that at these ages, it is adults, not children who should make such big decisions.

[JudoMom]

Restate the issues back to him. I find it's really helpful in getting to the root of the problem.

 

Ex:

Him: He needs to be around other kids.

You: *deep breath* you're worried that he's too isolated right now.

 

Get on the same page with the problem, and then look for solutions.

 

:iagree:

 

When my dh had some concerns, I figured out ways to solve them without sending any of my boys to school. His concerns were valid, even though I was hurt and didn't want to admit it at the time. Often our dh's can see holes/weak areas that we can't, so try to listen to what his concerns really are and hunt for solutions (even if you might not agree with his concerns).

[NanceXToo]

Try saying something like, "Look, I have no interest in sending our child to public school. I believe he gets a better foundation, a better education, and less bad influence at home. I am committed to homeschooling him and it upsets me that you're trying to push on me to send him to school. If you have specific concerns such as him not getting enough social time with other kids, I'll be happy to sign him up for more activities, look for a homeschool group to join, consider some summer camp type programs in the future, etc. but I do not want him enrolled in public school."

 

Someone is going to have to give in on this. Hopefully it will be him if you are communicative, firm, and looking to help ease whatever his actual concerns are.

[Haiku]

So dad was perfectly willing for you to assume responsibility for the kids' education (a fairly big responsibility, of course), and now, in 1st grade, he plans to assume it all and tell you where and how the children will be educated?

 

Um, wouldn't be happening here. I would remind my husband that I had his vote of confidence and he's now saying I've lost it and that THAT is a huger deal than where the kids go to school and that we need to sort that out first.

 

Tara

[tammieb]

"Personally, I believe that at these ages, it is adults, not children who should make such big decisions"

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[J-rap]

Maybe your husband really has no idea what homeschooling involves.

 

Can you include him in the curriculum decisions, etc.? Is there a local homeschool group where parents gather, and he can ask questions?

 

I think if you let a 4 and 6 year-old make the important decisions now, it will only be more difficult to parent them as they get older.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

My kids went to ps for K and 1st grade. It was a bad situation for older ds. Dh was dead set against homeschooling, and in one of our arguments about it, he said, "I'm never going to agree to homeschooling." I said, "You don't seem to understand that I'm not agreeing to the current schooling." He had never looked at like that before, and that stopped him in his tracks for a little while. He still wouldn't agree to homeschooling, so I started letting him deal with the situation at school, and lo and behold, it took one really stupid meeting with the school staff to get dh to agree to homeschooling.

 

We will soon be starting our 3rd year of homeschooling, and dh is still not 100% convinced that this is the right thing. However, he does see that none of the things he feared (weirdo kids with no friends, mostly) have happened. He sees that our kids are learning and growing and are well adjusted, so he's okay with it.

 

And, you're just starting first grade, so this is the time when school starts to "count" in the minds of many people. So, his reaction is understandable. Hold your ground. Find logical reasons for homeschooling and stick with them without bringing emotion into it.

[Soror]

Your oldest is 6? We didn't even start schooling until then. Honestly, I don't know what to tell you. Could he attend a seminar or convention on homeschooling?

 

Does he think that because he wants them in school, they should go to school? I mean, does he think that when your opinions differ, he should get what he wants?

 

More honestly, his statements hardly sound like someone who has really watched, studied, learned about homeschooling. I would have a hard time treating an opinion like an expert one if it clearly came from someone who was not an expert.

 

Does he really know what kids in public school learn in kindergarten and first grade?

 

Now, none of this is valid if you are the type that homeschools in theory but doesn't actually do it. I can see a husband doubting if he feels you are not really giving it your best shot.

 

Again, I always saw kindergarten as public daycare, and though I read to my children and they played all sorts of beneficial things, I saw no need to formally school until first grade. Even then, it didn't take much time. So much of what schools do is busy work and crafts.

 

So dad was perfectly willing for you to assume responsibility for the kids' education (a fairly big responsibility, of course), and now, in 1st grade, he plans to assume it all and tell you where and how the children will be educated?

 

Um, wouldn't be happening here. I would remind my husband that I had his vote of confidence and he's now saying I've lost it and that THAT is a huger deal than where the kids go to school and that we need to sort that out first.

 

Tara

:iagree:

 

I'd have a hard time answering such illogically and unbased arguments personally. I'd be asking for some actual facts rather than some irrational knee-jerk reaction based on popular thought based in nothing. On big issues such as this though both dh and I expect each other to do that. I'd try to be sensitive to listening but frankly I think such big decisions should be based on reality. Thankfully dh and I are on the same page in that regard and we generally can come to an agreement on parenting issues based on that model.

[KungFuPanda]

If your husband has some well-thought-out reasons for wanting your children in public school, you're going to have to discuss them and cope with the possibility that his reasons may be valid and your children may one day transition to public school. However, if he is uninformed and is repeating what some "well-meaning" friend or relative is whispering in his ear, there is another way to deal with this. Simply find a very basic, no frills curriculum and get your child above grade level in reading and math. With a normal child, this is NOT hard to do in the lower grades. However, to folks who haven't researched curriculum, the number on the front of the book is EVERYTHING. Once you have accomplished this, you simply say "Honey, we CAN'T put him in school. He's a grade ahead in math and two grades ahead in reading." This gives him a response for the naysayers. That, and an extracurricular or two should do it. :D

[Rivka]

Once your hubby SEES the difference in your son from homeschooling to going to preschool, I'm certain he will hands down agree homeschooling is for the best. The only problem is you'll have the "issues" in your son that have developed by the infamous socialization to UNDO once you get him home.

 

:glare: Really? I think it is ridiculous to suggest that nursery school will surely produce such a dramatic negative change in a child that it will convert any homeschool opponent. Most children will thrive in a good preschool or in a good home environment.

 

This is an entirely separate issue from the OP's dilemma, but I don't think that anyone's interest is served by heated rhetoric about schools ruining kids.

[Ellie]

Your oldest is just 6? Gosh, that isn't *even* long enough to know how homeschooling will go for you. December is way too early to "evaluate."

 

What if your ds goes to school? Will your dh "evaluate" his performance in December and decde whether he should continue?

 

Seems to me that the one who is doing the primary teaching, who is with the children all day long, should have more clout as far as whether to throw homeschooling to the curb or not.

[Joanne]

I have 3 kids ages 6,4, and 1. We have always homeschooled our oldest. This year we will continue to. Our 4 yr old dd will attend preschool this yr. she very adament about refusing to hs and begged her daddy to not make her. Even though I don't "school" at 4. It will give my oldest some time alone to finish his work. The issue is my hubby wants to evaluate my son's hs progress/attitude in December and decide whether he can continue to hs. I told him that he is fine and the attitude will get worse at ps. He has it in his head that both kids should enroll in ps next fall no matter what. He won't give me concrete reasons. He says things like he loves to learn (hello...that's what we do daily), he might take direction better from a teacher, and the infamous he would be around kids daily. What do you do when there is a disagreement on something big like this? He swears if ds doesn't like it he can go right back to hs. He thinks I'm trying to hold onto him as a baby and not let him out into the world.

 

Are you? Have you given the feedback he *has* offered some thought?

 

You have 3 closely space kids and only one is school aged. It is a challenging season of life, regardless of where the kids go to school. When you began homeschooling last year, what was the conversation and content? How were you able to decide as a marital unit to homeschool for a year?

 

Also, some of the content your DH has given suggest maybe you are talking to him about your homeschool struggles. Men like to fix things, including people situations. Maybe he's simply trying to fix things you've shared with him. Some homeschooling moms find that sharing homeschooling struggles with other moms is a better place for commiseration, support, and ideas.

 

Do you have a place where you meet with homeschooling families for recreation, socialization, etc?

 

Remember, "brick and mortar" school is the *ever* present solution for problems relating to homeschooling. It's the indoctrinated, default answer. It is HARD to shake the "brick and mortar" thought, and even more so when you are less than driven to homeschool.

[chiguirre]

He still wouldn't agree to homeschooling, so I started letting him deal with the situation at school, and lo and behold, it took one really stupid meeting with the school staff to get dh to agree to homeschooling.

 

This is what it took for my dh to be on board with hsing too. One ARD meeting and he came home ready to sign the withdrawal letter for Geezle.:D

 

When dh wanted dd to attend school, I asked him to go enroll her and arrange transportation (GW's school schedule precludes me doing drop off/pick up in the car line). It never happened.

 

I think dh just didn't want to be different, but eventually he came to appreciate hsing and see the benefits.

[Sctigermom]

If your husband has some well-thought-out reasons for wanting your children in public school, you're going to have to discuss them and cope with the possibility that his reasons may be valid and your children may one day transition to public school. However, if he is uninformed and is repeating what some "well-meaning" friend or relative is whispering in his ear, there is another way to deal with this. Simply find a very basic, no frills curriculum and get your child above grade level in reading and math. With a normal child, this is NOT hard to do in the lower grades. However, to folks who haven't researched curriculum, the number on the front of the book is EVERYTHING. Once you have accomplished this, you simply say "Honey, we CAN'T put him in school. He's a grade ahead in math and two grades ahead in reading." This gives him a response for the naysayers. That, and an extracurricular or two should do it. :D

 

I have done this! He is already a grade ahead in math and science. His reading is spot on. Our 6 yr old son plays baseball, karate, and we are in 2 homeschooling groups that meet EVERY week. Our 4 yr old dd is in dance, French, and goes to the hs groups with us. He still thinks they are going to get something from b&m school they aren't getting at home. He made the statement he would be fine sending them to a private school. I think a big problem lies in the fact that when we started homeschooling for kindergarten we did so for 2 reasons 1)we made a big move that took 4 months to complete(aug-dec 2011) and we couldn't afford private school. Now we are settled down and dh has a better job where we can afford private schooling and the ps schools here are "good". So I think he feels like the reasons for homeschooling are no longer valid.

[Haiku]

So I think he feels like the reasons for homeschooling are no longer valid.

 

But if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

 

Tara