FB event birthday invite dilema

[kalanamak]

YIKES! Sorry that happened. I hate awkward situations, but it sounds like you handled it as well as it could have been. You've done nothing wrong here, even though I'm sure it feels icky.

 

She'll understand better when her kids are older.

[Tidbits of Learning]

update on post 50.

[ereks mom]

Good for you for standing your ground. If she's going to resort to saying that your friendship with her hangs in the balance, she's being immature and you're probably better off without her.

[Juniper]

She'll understand better when her kids are older.

 

 

This. :iagree:

 

Again, you handled it very well.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Oh, for Pete's sake.

 

"Susan, as I explained, my daughter has enjoyed her playtimes with your little girl, but your daughter was not invited to this event because the activities planned are intended for older children my daughter's age. That is all I have to say on the subject and I will not be replying further."

 

And then don't. Come hail or high water, not one more interaction. She needs to go soak her head.

 

And I would sooo use that phrase, 'playtime with your little girl.' And I would sooo not answer the phone, block the email, and delete any convo about it on FB.

[TammyS]

Friends grow apart all of the time. Do you really expect your children to remain friends with all of their childhood friends? Both girls would be happier finding friends with interests similar to their own and maybe in a few years, they will find things in common again.

 

Karen

 

I expect my children to treat all people with dignity and consideration all of the time. We value our friends for who they are inherent in themselves, not on how much fun they are. The little girl's value hasn't changed.

 

But I think I just have different set of values altogether. I would not be ok with my son (almost 14) telling his good friend (almost 11) that he was "friends" and that my son would go to his house to play with him, but that he wasn't welcome at his birthday party. Nor would I encourage him to put up with that kind of treatment from others.

[Tidbits of Learning]

Oh, for Pete's sake.

 

"Susan, as I explained, my daughter has enjoyed her playtimes with your little girl, but your daughter was not invited to this event because the activities planned are intended for older children my daughter's age. That is all I have to say on the subject and I will not be replying further."

 

And then don't. Come hail or high water, not one more interaction. She needs to go soak her head.

 

And I would sooo use that phrase, 'playtime with your little girl.' And I would sooo not answer the phone, block the email, and delete any convo about it on FB.

 

Trust me, I am done! Is there a crazy smiley on here?

[Tidbits of Learning]

I expect my children to treat all people with dignity and consideration all of the time. We value our friends for who they are inherent in themselves, not on how much fun they are. The little girl's value hasn't changed.

 

But I think I just have different set of values altogether. I would not be ok with my son (almost 14) telling his good friend (almost 11) that he was "friends" and that my son would go to his house to play with him, but that he wasn't welcome at his birthday party. Nor would I encourage him to put up with that kind of treatment from others.

 

I am so glad that you win parent of the year award! I hope you don't invite your son to parties as well. To be honest, this is the stupidest bs I have ever had to deal with from another adult (the helicopter mom-not you). However, my kids value people. They don't go to this kids house and haven't in 2 years. The mom is clinging to this friendship for her daughter. So if you can read-read the actual situation not the situation you want to be holier than thou about! :auto:

 

Oh yeah, I forgot I am southern...Bless your heart...hun!

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Crazy smilies (cumulative effect, to represent your day):

 

:willy_nilly::rant::gnorsi::eek::scared::banghead::spam::svengo:

[Lovedtodeath]

Her kid is hurt and I get that, but given the situation...I think her feelings would have been more hurt at the party.

Did you tell her that?

[Tidbits of Learning]

Did you tell her that?

 

She wouldn't hear it. She thinks I am trying to keep her daughter from having a friend b/c I have a thing about the ages of kids my kids play with or something like that. I do not.

I will go ahead and say that this is not the first time I have had to break it down for her about kids and their interests. She kept trying to get me to have my ds9 have sleepovers with her ds6. :tongue_smilie: I had to tell her that would put my son in an odd situation.

My dd12 got sick of her dd9 2 years ago when her dd9 kept treating my son "like dirt" to quote my dd12. I was only writing about this new incident, but since I have been accused of having no values by a complete stranger...I thought I would disclose all information.

The mom tries to line up her kids friendships with other families neatly. She tried to put all the girls together and my son with her son 3 yrs younger to play....the only kids that actually played naturally together were the youngest boys. I have had this talk with her 2 times before this about the age thing so now she thinks that I ban my kids from having younger friends and I am denying her kids friends.

I feel a lot better getting all this crud off my chest and I think I won't miss the friendship too much considering how much she questioned my motives and parenting skills.:auto:

[Lovedtodeath]

We had Emily's party at Chucki Cheese during the week because that was when most of her friends could come and had already committed to. 3 of her friends couldn't come as a result. Doesn't this seem like the same type of situation? The type of party didn't work for them.

 

They were not mad at us over it...

[tex-mex]

I think there is a way that you can set your events on FB to where only those invited can see; maybe you can delete the one you made and remake it? then she can't see it? I know that doesn't help now, but I'm pretty sure its not suppose to just advertise to everyone on your fb

:iagree:

 

You can create an "closed group" type of invite on FB to avoid this scenario. The dd's mother is clueless for trying to keep her dd in the party for teens -- despite not truly being invited as a 9 y.o. But, in the future, I would either block her on FB or make sure the filters for FB party invites are locked. It sounds like a mess.

[Tidbits of Learning]

:iagree:

 

You can create an "closed group" type of invite on FB to avoid this scenario. The dd's mother is clueless for trying to keep her dd in the party for teens -- despite not truly being invited as a 9 y.o. But, in the future, I would either block her on FB or make sure the filters for FB party invites are locked. It sounds like a mess.

 

I have it for invitees only now. I wish I would have known how to do that in the beginning.

[Juniper]

She wouldn't hear it. She thinks I am trying to keep her daughter from having a friend b/c I have a thing about the ages of kids my kids play with or something like that. I do not.

I will go ahead and say that this is not the first time I have had to break it down for her about kids and their interests. She kept trying to get me to have my ds9 have sleepovers with her ds6. :tongue_smilie: I had to tell her that would put my son in an odd situation.

My dd12 got sick of her dd9 2 years ago when her dd9 kept treating my son "like dirt" to quote my dd12. I was only writing about this new incident, but since I have been accused of having no values by a complete stranger...I thought I would disclose all information.

The mom tries to line up her kids friendships with other families neatly. She tried to put all the girls together and my son with her son 3 yrs younger to play....the only kids that actually played naturally together were the youngest boy. I have had this talk with her 2 times before this about the age thing so now she thinks that I ban my kids from having younger friends and I am denying her kids friends.

I feel a lot better getting all this crud off my chest and I think I won't miss the friendship too much considering how much she questioned my motives and parenting skills.:auto:

 

 

Edited myself because I don't like it when I am catty. ;(

 

Let it roll like water of a ducks back! :D

Edited August 8, 2012 by Juniper

[Lovedtodeath]

The mom tries to line up her kids friendships with other families neatly. She tried to put all the girls together and my son with her son 3 yrs younger to play....the only kids that actually played naturally together were the youngest boys.

Oh yeah... I was always stuck with the kids years younger than me while my 2 year old brother got the older kids who were in the middle between our ages. I hated it.

 

Oh and the FB thing... someone tried to do a surprise party on it. I was like, so we are invited but not allowed to talk about the party here or what??? lol

[Desert Rat]

 

Oh yeah, I forgot I am southern...Bless your heart...hun!

 

:iagree: Well, I'm not Southern. But, :iagree: anyway. I'm still a bit raw for this individual taking a dig at me.

[8circles]

After reading the first page, here's my response. Friend or no friend, nobody is entitled to be invited to anything.

 

I'm sorry, I couldn't follow the OP enough to know exactly what the status is, off to read the updates.

 

ETA: I just caught up. Good grief. I'm totally rolling my eyes at this doozy. She's off her rocker. You handled it very well. I like Tibbie's wording as well. I really don't think you could have won no matter what.

Edited August 8, 2012 by momoflaw

[ThisIsTheDay]

I am thinking we would have completely different responses if it were the mother of the other little girl posting here.

 

"For the past couple of years, my 9yodd has been good friends with my friend's girls, who are 11 and 12. I received a FB invitation to the 11yo's bday party.

 

Or so I thought. When I tried to RSVP, my friend responded in a way that indicated my 9yodd was invited (and that my younger children weren't). She later emailed me and said that my dd wasn't really invited, that her girls are "too old" to play with my dd, and that if my dd wanted to come, she had to play with the younger kids--the brother of the older girls.

 

At this point, I don't know what to do. My kid's basically been uninvited. She's heartbroken. I don't know if the "friendship" between me and the other mom will survive. I can't believe how rude she was to uninvite my kid! What do I do now?"

 

The OP messed up big time. And her response to Tammy, the one poster who calls OpenMinded on it, "OpenMinded" responds: "I am so glad that you win parent of the year award! I hope you don't invite your son to parties as well."

 

I guess only people who agree were supposed to reply. :glare:

Yes, I'd be rethinking any sort of friendship too. This is the kind of thing you want to shield your kid from. It's not the poor 9yos fault that the OP, in her attempts to hide the party from these people, directly sends them what appeared to be an invitation. At that point, it wouldn't have killed her to show some grace.

 

I'm just really shocked.

[Trish]

Another of my growing list of reasons why I read Facebook but don't post to it much.

[Joker]

I am thinking we would have completely different responses if it were the mother of the other little girl posting here.

 

"For the past couple of years, my 9yodd has been good friends with my friend's girls, who are 11 and 12. I received a FB invitation to the 11yo's bday party.

 

Or so I thought. When I tried to RSVP, my friend responded in a way that indicated my 9yodd was invited (and that my younger children weren't). She later emailed me and said that my dd wasn't really invited, that her girls are "too old" to play with my dd, and that if my dd wanted to come, she had to play with the younger kids--the brother of the older girls.

 

At this point, I don't know what to do. My kid's basically been uninvited. She's heartbroken. I don't know if the "friendship" between me and the other mom will survive. I can't believe how rude she was to uninvite my kid! What do I do now?"

 

The OP messed up big time. And her response to Tammy, the one poster who calls OpenMinded on it, "OpenMinded" responds: "I am so glad that you win parent of the year award! I hope you don't invite your son to parties as well."

 

I guess only people who agree were supposed to reply. :glare:

 

Yes, I'd be rethinking any sort of friendship too. This is the kind of thing you want to shield your kid from. It's not the poor 9yos fault that the OP, in her attempts to hide the party from these people, directly sends them what appeared to be an invitation. At that point, it wouldn't have killed her to show some grace.

 

I'm just really shocked.

 

Unless I'm missing something the 9yr old wasn't initially invited. The invites just weren't private, so they ended up seeing there was a party. I've seen those kinds of invitations before on my FB and I've never once thought of inviting myself. I don't think the OP did anything wrong. She eventually invited the 9yr old but with the stipulation she would hang with the under 12 crowd, which I think is more than acceptable.

[ThisIsTheDay]

Unless I'm missing something the 9yr old wasn't initially invited. The invites just weren't private, so they ended up seeing there was a party. I've seen those kinds of invitations before on my FB and I've never once thought of inviting myself. I don't think the OP did anything wrong. She eventually invited the 9yr old but with the stipulation she would hang with the under 12 crowd, which I think is more than acceptable.

 

It's FB; it can be confusing. Just as the OP thought she wasn't posting on everyone's wall, the other mom assumed her kid would be invited. She's considered these girls her friends.

 

The OP had one talk with the other mom that still left the other mom with the impression that her dd was invited.

 

She then contacted her later, and made it clear that the 9yo was not invited to be with the big kids.

[Tidbits of Learning]

Yes, I'd be rethinking any sort of friendship too. This is the kind of thing you want to shield your kid from. It's not the poor 9yos fault that the OP, in her attempts to hide the party from these people, directly sends them what appeared to be an invitation.

 

I was never trying to hide the party from them. They just were never invited. I wasn't going to advertise around them b/c I knew she would petition for an invite. She did it last year. My fb event had invitees on there you had to be invited to join the party. It just suggested it on my friends events b/c I hadn't put for it to be seen by invitees only. There was no way for them to join the party without being invited on facebook. They just saw the party that way.

In a phone call she asked me and I hedged and she kept on and on about her dd really liking my dd. This is my dds party. I shouldn't feel obligated to invite anyone else. My dds made their guest list from their friends. She told me on the phone (the horrid phone call today) that she realized I had never meant to invite her dd in her first phone call but she still pushed it. She knew the truth. She just wanted me to say it out loud.

Honestly, I am glad this all happened. It did make me realize that I was always put in a position where I was forcing my kids to visit with her kids and being forced into these weird set ups instead of letting them naturally play so that I could spend time with the Mom. The only time I didn't feel pushed to push my children to be her kid's friends was when we hung out together without kids. She doesn't have kids old enough to stay home alone or to babysit younger siblings. I do. The dynamic of our friendship changed over the last 2 years.

This whole situation made me realize that. I don't mind people disagreeing with me but I don't see it as a lack of values for a child not to want to invite a kid to a party b/c their mom is bugging me about it. If my kids were around these kids all the time or even liked being around them, then I would have left the forced invite open. My own son is older than this child and he isn't being allowed to mingle with the older kids. I am not going to give privileges to someone else's younger child b/c the mom has been imagining a friendship that has never been there between my dd and her dd.

We haven't had playdates in a long time. The friendship has staled on all fronts. We all need to move on. TammyS was pretentious in her responses and was all about her kid wouldn't do that and her values were better. She didn't listen to the problem or the situation. She just got on and was all my kid would never do that and I would never let them. Well, there was potential for injury and harm to the child both emotionally and physically to come to the party. I don't feel that I should shoulder babysitting her kid during my kid's party to spare everyone's feelings. I am sure I projected some of my ill feelings toward the helicopter parent onto her in my reply. I don't regret it though. She was snarky. I am tired of not being blunt when someone needs bluntness. That is what got me into this predicament in the first place.

I do have a 9 yr old and he has not been invited to teen parties that the girls are invited to....I did not push for an invite nor did I feel that my friends were being unfair in not inviting him. I am paying a ridiculous amount of money for this party and the 15 invited guests. i am not paying even more for an uninvited guest that annoys one of my dds to no end and would make her own bday party feel like a chore. If that means I have no values and that I am teaching my kids to have no values, then so be it. But truthfully, I think it takes more character to look someone in the eye and tell them the truth instead of candy coating it.

Edited August 8, 2012 by OpenMinded

[cin]

I would not want my 9 yr old daughter to be playing laser tag with 14 yr old boys. I'm not saying that I don't trust the boys, or that your daughter has 'bad' friends, but since *I* don't know the boys, I wouldn't want my daughter doing that. Not to mention that she is HALF their size, and they have already stated they were going to play rough!

 

There is a HUGE difference between 9 & 12 yrs old. I've got an 8 & 11 yr old and they are SO different! Even thought my 8 yr old is a little diva! 8 plays with dolls and thinks boys are just another body to play with. 11 is 'too mature" to play with dolls, and is starting to think boys are cute. And have crushes. And looking at bras and wanting to shave her legs, and looking at make-up. I don't FORCE them to play together, but I do force them to get along and treat each other civilly.

[TranquilMind]

Sorry the phone call went poorly. :( My guess is that she's upset because her daughter is upset. I think we've all been in the position of explaining to a heart-broken child why they weren't invited to a party. I think your offer of "different ages doing different things" was generous and would still allow her to attend the party.

 

The fact of the matter is that it is probably not safe for her to be playing laser tag with the big kids, nor would she enjoy it.

 

Stay firm and good luck with the friendship. I should add that a true friend would never put you in this position.

 

 

So true.

[TranquilMind]

OpenMinded: In a phone call she asked me and I hedged and she kept on and on about her dd really liking my dd. This is my dds party. I shouldn't feel obligated to invite anyone else. My dds made their guest list from their friends. She told me on the phone (the horrid phone call today) that she realized I had never meant to invite her dd in her first phone call but she still pushed it. She knew the truth. She just wanted me to say it out loud.

 

This is really not about her daughter at all, I suspect. This is about you and the Mom. She appears to be fishing for acceptance, or just wanting to know she is wanted and you would love to have invited her daughter if the party was a safe one for her. Maybe she or her daughter don't have many friends.

 

Honestly, I am glad this all happened. It did make me realize that I was always put in a position where I was forcing my kids to visit with her kids and being forced into these weird set ups instead of letting them naturally play so that I could spend time with the Mom. The only time I didn't feel pushed to push my children to be her kid's friends was when we hung out together without kids. She doesn't have kids old enough to stay home alone or to babysit younger siblings. I do. The dynamic of our friendship changed over the last 2 years.

 

This doesn't mean the friendship won't be worth it if you can make it through this sticky time. It might be, if you had fun before kids.

 

 

My own son is older than this child and he isn't being allowed to mingle with the older kids.

z

 

That should have made sense to her.

 

 

I am sure I projected some of my ill feelings toward the helicopter parent onto her in my reply.

I think you did.

[SueinNC]

She'll understand better when her kids are older.

 

And she probably will be very embarrassed at her own reaction to all of this.

[SueinNC]

Oh, for Pete's sake.

 

"Susan, as I explained, my daughter has enjoyed her playtimes with your little girl, but your daughter was not invited to this event because the activities planned are intended for older children my daughter's age. That is all I have to say on the subject and I will not be replying further."

 

And then don't. Come hail or high water, not one more interaction. She needs to go soak her head.

 

And I would sooo use that phrase, 'playtime with your little girl.' And I would sooo not answer the phone, block the email, and delete any convo about it on FB.

 

Great response to end all her drama.

[Bear23]

the joys of birthdays. you think it be easier has they grow up but it's harder. we put a limit on who they can invite and it's I not them that feels bad who is not invited. i have been on both sides of the fence with this type of situation and it just isn't fun to be part of.

i hope your party goes well. it sounds like a lot of fun, laser tag :)

[dansamy]

We had one extended family bday party when they turned 1. Other than that, it's always been a family outing of just us. No drama, no hurt feelings, etc. My kids do occasionally ask to have a regular party, but not often.

[LMV]

I'm sorry this has been so drama filled.

 

Our younger middle daughter is twelve now. When she was ten she was on a gymnastic team where she was the youngest by almost three years. The older girls were all very supportive of her (and her gymnastics), they joked around with her at practice and cheered for her at meets. They were good teammates! However, with the exception of two girls who attend the same church we do (one of whom is a close friend of our older daughter and thus at our home often), they didn't hang out beyond the gym. I felt this was reasonable. If one of them had invited her to a birthday party I probably wouldn't have let her go unless it seemed to have more of a family dynamic and the expectation that other kids her age would be there. She did attend the 15th birthday party of one of the team girls who go to our church but our whole family was invited to her party and my husband attended with her and her sisters. I spent the afternoon running codes in our ED. :(

 

Happy early birthday to your daughters!

[Tidbits of Learning]

I do appreciate all the suggestions and words of wisdom. It is all said and done with now. She views her child much differently than my girls view her child. She views her child as a tween with similar interests as my girls. The girls view her as similar to their younger brother and have for a while now. It took spelling it out for her to realize my kids birthday party was about my kids and what they want.

It took this 3rd time of having to have awkward conversations with her for me to realize that until she is willing to let go of the pairing our kids up as friends without them wanting it that we just need a break from each other. Her kids are just going to keep getting hurt and I just keep having to have these awkward conversations where I have to point out that her kids are way younger than mine and won't fit in socially with my kids' activities.

Today is a new day! Off to our first day of school for the year!

[Lovedtodeath]

I do appreciate all the suggestions and words of wisdom. It is all said and done with now. She views her child much differently than my girls view her child. She views her child as a tween with similar interests as my girls. The girls view her as similar to their younger brother and have for a while now. It took spelling it out for her to realize my kids birthday party was about my kids and what they want.

It took this 3rd time of having to have awkward conversations with her for me to realize that until she is willing to let go of the pairing our kids up as friends without them wanting it that we just need a break from each other. Her kids are just going to keep getting hurt and I just keep having to have these awkward conversations where I have to point out that her kids are way younger than mine and won't fit in socially with my kids' activities.

I am glad you have that sorted. :) Now unsubscribe from this thread (or do some blocks) before you feel the need to explain yourself to people who don't know the situation as well as you do. :grouphug:

 

Today is a new day! Off to our first day of school for the year!

:D