Foster Parents - Making Decisions About Placements

[Perogi]

Thank you for the ideas! I think I'm going to suggest supporting a foster parent for those who would like to help but can't foster (or think they can't foster).

 

I want to also suggest to others that becoming a babysitter or transporter for a foster parent can be a lot of help. It can be a way for you to help a kid and foster family for very little trouble (a background check, CPR, etc).

 

BTW, our housekeepers (we're on our second) like us because the house has to stay good anyway due to all our visits. Also, I asked our housekeeper about doing 4 meals every two weeks for us (things we can put in freezer and use as necessary) and she was only going to charge $30 (food and kitchen provided by us). That was a pretty good deal.

 

I try to do everything also. Other than the housekeeper twice a month, I also felt I took on the responsibility of all these kids, I should figure out how to do it perfectly despite our crazy schedule. But why NOT let other people help if they want to? Maybe I was being a bit prideful also?

 

Yes, I've wondered if it's pride. At times it's also guilt that extended family and such have to deal with the extra kids and stuff even though they didn't sign up for this....

 

It's just hard for me to accept help. Actually, it's hard for me to ASK for help - can't say I'm rolling in offers or anything! :tongue_smilie: We are new to this community so we don't know a lot of people.

[Ottakee]

She's definitely more aware of being moved - we pulled in the driveway of a house she didn't know the other day and she started to cry and say "no way". I'm sure she thought she was moving again :(

 

This is so sad to see with these kids. My own now 16dd used to scream and hide when she saw a worker come, any worker, or anyone carrying a portfolio or briefcase. She came to us at 8 months old and never moved but she just had a fear of the workers, etc.

[Melissa in Australia]

I would find that a very hard decision. I would probably keep them both.

[Perogi]

This is so sad to see with these kids. My own now 16dd used to scream and hide when she saw a worker come, any worker, or anyone carrying a portfolio or briefcase. She came to us at 8 months old and never moved but she just had a fear of the workers, etc.

 

It is absolutely heartbreaking. And there's only so much we can protect them from.

[Perogi]

I would find that a very hard decision. I would probably keep them both.

 

Dh and I were trying to psych ourselves up for this last night...knowing that it'd be very busy but thinking that the sacrifice would be worth it in the end.

 

Our biggest concern is that we are able to cope well enough to continue to be good parents - not just stressed out busy parents all the time because if that happens then it would be better to be down to one placement and do one placement well, kwim? And of course we're always talking about making sure that our kids don't get lost in the shuffle.

[Terabith]

Could the baby go to day care? Would that make things more doable, if they both went to care during the day?

[CalicoKat]

I'd keep both placements and once one is gone just refuse any further placements so the system doesn't get used to you being a 2 placement home. toddler girl really needs the stability to staying, and baby boy has been with you for half his life. I could not imagine sending either one away unless one of them was too disruptive to the home as a whole (like an extremely colicky baby, or a toddler that was not suited to a family with other kids etc). Basically it would have to be something severe to send one of them away.

 

You suspect baby boy will be a shorter placement, do you have any estimation on how long of one they are thinking at this point?

 

:iagree:

:iagree: Once they're "in the door" dh and I figured however they arrived they're meant to stay and we're meant to be flexible. We always do sit down with our other children and get their buy in on the whole situation. It's not so much to ask their permission as it is to acknowledge that after our honeymoon feelings wear off it will be tough and their feelings might change too, so keep talking to us we want to hear.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Perogi]

Could the baby go to day care? Would that make things more doable, if they both went to care during the day?

 

Oh it would be SO much easier if the baby went to daycare! Being able to get school done is one of my biggest concerns. But CAS would place him somewhere else before they would let him be put in daycare.

 

And some of the craziest times are when we go out somewhere with all 5 on the weekend or whatever - I feel a bit like a circus act.

[Perogi]

:iagree:

:iagree: Once they're "in the door" dh and I figured however they arrived they're meant to stay and we're meant to be flexible. We always do sit down with our other children and get their buy in on the whole situation. It's not so much to ask their permission as it is to acknowledge that after our honeymoon feelings wear off it will be tough and their feelings might change too, so keep talking to us we want to hear.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Oh boy. That's kind of what I want to hear and it's kind of scary. Do you ever just feel totally overwhelmed by what you've gotten yourself into?

 

I have a friend fostering brothers right now, age 6 and 7, with her own 2 girls ages 7 and 9 and adopting a newborn and 11 month old. The boys have been with her 8 months and in the past 2 months have had HUGE behaviours. I admire her so much because she is sticking by them and working through it.

[Dobela]

Oh it would be SO much easier if the baby went to daycare! Being able to get school done is one of my biggest concerns. But CAS would place him somewhere else before they would let him be put in daycare.

 

And some of the craziest times are when we go out somewhere with all 5 on the weekend or whatever - I feel a bit like a circus act.

The circus act was part of the joy for me. Yes, I felt insane, but it was a good insane LOL. The toddler just came to your home and from my experience it always took a good 6 weeks to get back into a working routine after a new placement. I don't think anyone but a foster parent ever understood just how crazy overwhelming the first days are in a placement. Can you just ride the placement out some until things settle down?

 

My other thought is about your housekeepers- Could one stay an extra hour or two on occassion just to play with and keep the baby? Or watch the baby while working some for extra pay to allow you some uninterrupted time to work with the other kids?

[Scuff]

You are being wise to seek counsel on this from others who have been there. I haven't, so I have nothing to add on that front. (My heart tells me "keep them both!" Especially after hearing about that poor girl crying. But I also realize that I know just about nothing about what that really means for you.)

 

I'm going to get all spiritual, since you indicated that you're a christian. Either decision is a step of faith. Pray about it, seek counsel, then make your decision trusting that it will be ok. Don't be afraid of the unknown. God will give you the strength you need to get through the next year having both. Or He will go with the children to their new homes (and may work it out for their better good) and you can still pray for them.

[LibraryLover]

No experience doing foster care, but if you can only keep one child, I would keep the toddler. She needs the stability. Sine the baby boy is young, and without apparent issues, he will probably have an easier adjustment to a new foster home. While I know it's *not the same*, one of my children came to me at nearly 4 months old, having been in the same foster home since 4 weeks old. The transition was pretty easy, and dc thrived from day one.

 

A 2.5 yr old flipping homes is just going to suffer that much more.

 

Of course, I know me, and I know I could not handle double the paperwork, appointments etc., along with hsing and caring for the older children in the family. The 2/3 yr wil also have toys the baby/toddler will soon get into. My Chaos theory mind has a baby putting lego in it's mouth, or the older child scratching or biting the younger one. I also agree...if a bio child is sick, you can wait it out a bit, see if your home doctoring works etc. You can't do that with a foster child.

 

Good luck with it all. You sound like a very giving person, one who can imagine juggling the chaos of life without totally freaking out. We need people like you in this world.

Edited July 6, 2012 by LibraryLover

[3boysmama]

I'm going to get all spiritual, since you indicated that you're a christian. Either decision is a step of faith. Pray about it, seek counsel, then make your decision trusting that it will be ok. Don't be afraid of the unknown. God will give you the strength you need to get through the next year having both. Or He will go with the children to their new homes (and may work it out for their better good) and you can still pray for them.

 

THIS, right here!!

 

I know this wasn't directed to me, but thank you anyways!! :001_smile: That was very encouraging and comforting for me since we are giving up 2 of our placements.

[happyhomemaker25]

Oh it would be SO much easier if the baby went to daycare! Being able to get school done is one of my biggest concerns. But CAS would place him somewhere else before they would let him be put in daycare.

 

And some of the craziest times are when we go out somewhere with all 5 on the weekend or whatever - I feel a bit like a circus act.

 

I remember those days. I thought they would never end. But they did. Kids went home. We finalized adoptions. I hated the control that the caseworkers, GALS, and whoever else had on my home. We had a CW show up at 9p.m. one night. Call the director? Oh, she was with the CW. They were both super nice and very apologetic. They had to get the monthly visit done! The director liked me so much she spent the next month calling us for every placement that came in the door. LOL I had GALS come and go as they pleased. Sometimes showing up at dinner time. It was rough. Believe it or not though eventually you fall into a routine. Things get easier.

If you can't do it, you can't do it, I totally understand that. I went from never having a child in my home to having three under 3 within a year and then 6, eight and under in two years. Talk about chaos! LOL By the time I caught up with myself our adoption of five was finalized and we were expecting our surprise bio.

You know your limits. You know what you can handle. Just consider that eventually it will kind of even itself out and you might find that you can handle more than you thought. :) :grouphug:

[Perogi]

The circus act was part of the joy for me. Yes, I felt insane, but it was a good insane LOL. The toddler just came to your home and from my experience it always took a good 6 weeks to get back into a working routine after a new placement. I don't think anyone but a foster parent ever understood just how crazy overwhelming the first days are in a placement. Can you just ride the placement out some until things settle down?

 

My other thought is about your housekeepers- Could one stay an extra hour or two on occassion just to play with and keep the baby? Or watch the baby while working some for extra pay to allow you some uninterrupted time to work with the other kids?

 

 

The initial 2 weeks with both placements were totally and completely crazy. Toddler came 9 days after baby. Now we've had them both since mid/end of May so that initial stress is settling. If you had asked me a month ago I would have said that there is NO WAY we could 2 placements - for the first little while I was pushing the workers about exactly WHEN they were transferring baby - like, hurry up!

 

Then suddenly things settled down and don't feel so crazy. Now there are *moments* of crazy instead of days ;)

 

I feel self-conscious out in public looking like a circus act and then my stress makes me blow my lid and not enjoy our outing. Or we just stay home :tongue_smilie: If they both stay I'm definitely investing in a double stroller.

[Perogi]

You are being wise to seek counsel on this from others who have been there. I haven't, so I have nothing to add on that front. (My heart tells me "keep them both!" Especially after hearing about that poor girl crying. But I also realize that I know just about nothing about what that really means for you.)

 

I'm going to get all spiritual, since you indicated that you're a christian. Either decision is a step of faith. Pray about it, seek counsel, then make your decision trusting that it will be ok. Don't be afraid of the unknown. God will give you the strength you need to get through the next year having both. Or He will go with the children to their new homes (and may work it out for their better good) and you can still pray for them.

 

Thank you for your words. As a perfectionist the unkown is terrifying!! Good reminder too that God goes with them when/if they go.

[Perogi]

No experience doing foster care, but if you can only keep one child, I would keep the toddler. She needs the stability. Sine the baby boy is young, and without apparent issues, he will probably have an easier adjustment to a new foster home. While I know it's *not the same*, one of my children came to me at nearly 4 months old, having been in the same foster home since 4 weeks old. The transition was pretty easy, and dc thrived from day one.

 

A 2.5 yr old flipping homes is just going to suffer that much more.

 

Of course, I know me, and I know I could not handle double the paperwork, appointments etc., along with hsing and caring for the older children in the family. The 2/3 yr wil also have toys the baby/toddler will soon get into. My Chaos theory mind has a baby putting lego in it's mouth, or the older child scratching or biting the younger one. I also agree...if a bio child is sick, you can wait it out a bit, see if your home doctoring works etc. You can't do that with a foster child.

 

Good luck with it all. You sound like a very giving person, one who can imagine juggling the chaos of life without totally freaking out. We need people like you in this world.

 

I totally start thinking of the ensuing chaos too! Things are really quite fine right now, it's 6 months down the road that frightens me.

[Perogi]

THIS, right here!!

 

I know this wasn't directed to me, but thank you anyways!! :001_smile: That was very encouraging and comforting for me since we are giving up 2 of our placements.

 

:grouphug:

[Perogi]

I remember those days. I thought they would never end. But they did. Kids went home. We finalized adoptions. I hated the control that the caseworkers, GALS, and whoever else had on my home. We had a CW show up at 9p.m. one night. Call the director? Oh, she was with the CW. They were both super nice and very apologetic. They had to get the monthly visit done! The director liked me so much she spent the next month calling us for every placement that came in the door. LOL I had GALS come and go as they pleased. Sometimes showing up at dinner time. It was rough. Believe it or not though eventually you fall into a routine. Things get easier.

If you can't do it, you can't do it, I totally understand that. I went from never having a child in my home to having three under 3 within a year and then 6, eight and under in two years. Talk about chaos! LOL By the time I caught up with myself our adoption of five was finalized and we were expecting our surprise bio.

You know your limits. You know what you can handle. Just consider that eventually it will kind of even itself out and you might find that you can handle more than you thought. :) :grouphug:

 

 

That evening out is starting to happen already as everyone settles in. I'm a little worried about burnout and of course about that pesky unkown future ;)

 

Your house was even crazier than mine!!!

[happyhomemaker25]

That evening out is starting to happen already as everyone settles in. I'm a little worried about burnout and of course about that pesky unkown future ;)

 

Your house was even crazier than mine!!!

 

But I ended up finding joy in it. I totally understand if one is all you can handle. We are all different. :)

[Perogi]

Quick update - Dh and I talked over the weekend and decided to maintain both placements. He helped calm some of my fears and reassured me that he is committed to this and not feeling like he's just along for my ride. The weekend went really well - obviously busier than just our three but really kind of a nice busy.

 

I found out today that babe has at least 6 months in care and will have parental visits 5x/week. Yikes! Hopefully we can find a way to manage it and it won't be too disruptive (we can use volunteer drivers for some visits).

 

There are days that go very smoothly and days that have me in tears but thankfully the smooth days far outnumber the alternative! :)

[swellmomma]

Thanks for the update! If the parents are having visits 5x per week they must be working towards reunification eh?

[Mom2OandE]

THat is a hard choice. We adopted both of our kids through foster care and I got the call for them on the same day 45 minutes apart. I couldn't choose. We had another foster child (straight foster) 6 months later and we fell in love. I couldnt turn him over to another foster mom. I was in agony. I had to pray and just add God for guidance. Fortunatly he made it easy on me and his birthmother gave birth to a little girl and there was a family who agreed to adopt both and keep them together. So I handed him to his forever mom and my heart was full with joy.

[mom4him]

If at all possible I would keep them both. I don't care what the age, it is VERY hard on a child to be shuffled around. If it is impossible to keep them both I would then look at the attachment that each child has made to you.

Fostering is hard.

[EthiopianFood]

Quick update - Dh and I talked over the weekend and decided to maintain both placements. He helped calm some of my fears and reassured me that he is committed to this and not feeling like he's just along for my ride. The weekend went really well - obviously busier than just our three but really kind of a nice busy.

 

I found out today that babe has at least 6 months in care and will have parental visits 5x/week. Yikes! Hopefully we can find a way to manage it and it won't be too disruptive (we can use volunteer drivers for some visits).

 

There are days that go very smoothly and days that have me in tears but thankfully the smooth days far outnumber the alternative! :)

 

:party:

[Melissa in Australia]

Thank you for updating us.

All the best:001_smile:

[Perogi]

Thanks for the update! If the parents are having visits 5x per week they must be working towards reunification eh?

 

Hmmmm.....I really don't know. The judge decided on the 5 days - it was neither requested by Mom nor recommended by CAS. I wonder if it's maybe to test Mom's commitment? Since everyone kept thinking he would be transferred we've not really had any conversation about long term planning.

[happyhomemaker25]

Hmmmm.....I really don't know. The judge decided on the 5 days - it was neither requested by Mom nor recommended by CAS. I wonder if it's maybe to test Mom's commitment? Since everyone kept thinking he would be transferred we've not really had any conversation about long term planning.

 

I bet that's it! I know one of my moms started out with 5x a week. She hemmed and hawed til it was reduced to twice a week. She could not even make those WITH the agency giving her bus fare. I heard later it was fairly common. Another reason was to support the parents trying to bond. Unfortunately as we learned the longer the parent goes without seeing the child the easier it is to "move on" and live a life child free. Once someone irresponsible sees how free they can be without a kid it gets harder for that person to actually work towards reunification. Sad fact that we saw too many times.

[Kaleidoscope]

Glad you made a decision. I too would have kept both. But then I never could say no. That's how we at one point ended up with three 1 year old placements :)

[Perogi]

Another update......our dfd was placed with Grandma today so we are back down to one placement.

 

I'm so glad that we maintained both placements. We learned a lot, we loved a lot, we were tired a lot ;) and we don't regret it.

 

I am hopeful that this works out well for her and I'm excited because her bio family wants us to maintain contact with her :)

[Incognito]

It's great to hear it has worked out so well. :)

[LittleIzumi]

It's great to hear it has worked out so well. :)

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Little Nyssa]

:001_smile: