How much do you push your "anti-social" kid?

[hsbaby]

Ds is 9. He is a sweet, compassionate, smart, funny kid. When he was younger we were always on the go....playdates, gymnastics, field trips, etc. Within the last two years he has become extremely anti-social. I wouldn't even call it shy because once he is around his friends, he has a good time and is running around crazy with them. However, he does not ever WANT to do anything with friends. He quit gym and complains about every outing we go on. Just this morning I had signed him up for a mini camp. It was all kids he knew well from co-op. He threw, as usual, a huge fit about going. He says he just wants to stay home and play computer, build things, and play with his sisters. I forced him to go and he said it was fun, but he still doesn't want to go back. He is totally content being at home. I am very social and can't relate. I continue to make play dates because I don't think it's good for him to be isolating himself. What do you think? Should I back off or keep pushing him out of his comfort zone? He is well liked by other kids so there are no hidden issues like bullying, etc.

 

ETA: I realize he is not clinically anti-social. I was posting while listening to three kids, the TV, and the dog and just couldn't come up with another word. Shy didn't describe him so I resorted to anti-social, as in "not social". Didn't intend to offend any introverts....I am aware that one is a clinical dx while one is just a personality type.

Edited June 18, 2012 by hsbaby

[SKL]

Maybe it would be good to give him at least a couple days a week (over the summer, anyway) when he doesn't have to be "on" with other people.

 

I am very introverted and I really liked having time to do independent stuff. I still liked being with others, just not too much. It's a lot of effort when you're not a natural extrovert.

 

I don't think it hurts kids. I think it helps, because there will be times in life when they need to be able to work quietly alone for extended time periods.

 

As long as he's happy, actually doing something, and not hiding from "you," it should be OK, I think.

[SKL]

As for my kids - I do have one who is getting more shy by the day. Not really sure what to do with her. She acts squirrely when meeting people because she feels so self-conscious. It helps if I tell her in advance what to say / do when she's greeted, but I don't always remember to review the drill.

 

We do go out around people pretty much every day, but it always takes her a while to warm up. She is too young to request being left home, but she's always happy when she returns to her own little messy toys and books.

[Rebel Yell]

Back off a little AND push a little.

 

Back off is he is clearly uncomfortable or overwhelmed.

 

Push a little if you know it is a friend or activity he will enjoy.

 

Make sure he has plenty of alone time. Last year, Diamond stayed home from co-op on Fridays. This completely recharged her- and was fabulous since she was in a musical production which she loved- but it was a lot of people. All day, every day.

 

Encourage activities that aren;t overwhelming or competitive. Diamond dances- but not competitively. She enjoys the structure and discipline of dance class. There are other students in the class, but the focus is on the class exercises- she could be alone or have 40 classmates- her efforts will be the same. Soccer would completely wreck her- too overwhelming, and too random. Ballet class is pretty much the same every time.

 

Perhaps an activity like Chess- where he plays one-on-one?

[catz]

If you ask him right after a playgroup if he's glad he went, what does he say?

 

My son who I even consider extroverted just doesn't like transitioning well. If we're at home, many times he will grumble about getting out the door. But once he is somewhere, he connects with kids super well (other kids are often disappointed if he is a no show) and has a good time (although he has definitely expressed a preference for older kids lately).

 

I'd make sure he has enough down time/alone time. But otherwise I'd make outings a regular part of the program. I do think kids can learn about compromise and group dynamics in a playgroup setting. And if I paid for a camp for a kid, they would definitely have to buck up for a week and go, like it or not. :D I'd keep looking for activities that spark his interest. Like if he's into computers how about an age appropriate class along those lines? Or a lego league?

[Heather in OK]

Being introverted is not "anti-social". I don't push it because I understand it.

:iagree:

 

I'd encourage you to do some reading on introverts. :)

[hsbaby]

Being introverted is not "anti-social". I don't push it because I understand it.

 

I should have come up with better wording. I was trying to steer away from "shy" as he is definitely not shy once put into a social situation. He is loud, silly, talkative, etc. It's just that if he had his choice, he would stay home. I apologize if my wording was offense....totally not my intention!!

 

Thanks for the advice. I guess I just need to respect his need for alone time. I just hate to seem him slowly pulling away from all the social activities he used to look forward to. It just makes me sad to see him alone even though I know it apparently is what he wants.

[hsbaby]

Back off a little AND push a little.

 

Back off is he is clearly uncomfortable or overwhelmed.

 

Push a little if you know it is a friend or activity he will enjoy.

 

Make sure he has plenty of alone time. Last year, Diamond stayed home from co-op on Fridays. This completely recharged her- and was fabulous since she was in a musical production which she loved- but it was a lot of people. All day, every day.

 

Encourage activities that aren;t overwhelming or competitive. Diamond dances- but not competitively. She enjoys the structure and discipline of dance class. There are other students in the class, but the focus is on the class exercises- she could be alone or have 40 classmates- her efforts will be the same. Soccer would completely wreck her- too overwhelming, and too random. Ballet class is pretty much the same every time.

 

Perhaps an activity like Chess- where he plays one-on-one?

 

Hmmmm.....Chess might be a good idea! We tried soccer, baseball, gym, but he is not into anything that might result in injuries:). He is very anxious and worries about stuff like that. Going to have to find out about a local chess club!

[ThisIsTheDay]

Back off a little AND push a little.

 

Back off is he is clearly uncomfortable or overwhelmed.

 

Push a little if you know it is a friend or activity he will enjoy.

 

 

:iagree:

 

OP, I have a child like yours. We did everything when she was little. She's in high school now (at home), introverted, happiest when she's not being social. She dislikes most social situations, tolerates what she must out of necessity, and reluctantly chooses to participate in a few that are of interest to her.

 

It's hard for me to find a balance for her, to push and encourage yet not go overboard. I found Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking to be a very encouraging read, for both of us. I first read about the book here on the boards.

[Dory]

I'm that sort of person. So long as you know he is fully capable of carrying on a meaningful conversation (for his age of course), don't push him. True, people need to be pushed out of their bubble once in awhile to encourage growth, but for the larger majority of time, let him be.

It doesn't sound like he is lacking skills, he just isn't a social butterfly.

[happymomofboys]

Being introverted is not "anti-social". I don't push it because I understand it.

 

:iagree: And I'd even venture to say that being asocial (a loner/recluse/hermit) is not the same as being anti-social (actively hostile toward society). What the OP describes is introversion. As long as the child is not showing signs of anxiety or hostility while in social situations, I wouldn't worry or push.

[TranquilMind]

Ds is 9. He is a sweet, compassionate, smart, funny kid. When he was younger we were always on the go....playdates, gymnastics, field trips, etc. Within the last two years he has become extremely anti-social. I wouldn't even call it shy because once he is around his friends, he has a good time and is running around crazy with them. However, he does not ever WANT to do anything with friends. He quit gym and complains about every outing we go on. Just this morning I had signed him up for a mini camp. It was all kids he knew well from co-op. He threw, as usual, a huge fit about going. He says he just wants to stay home and play computer, build things, and play with his sisters. I forced him to go and he said it was fun, but he still doesn't want to go back. He is totally content being at home. I am very social and can't relate. I continue to make play dates because I don't think it's good for him to be isolating himself. What do you think? Should I back off or keep pushing him out of his comfort zone? He is well liked by other kids so there are no hidden issues like bullying, etc.

Maybe you are overscheduling him. Give him some downtime for awhile. Try again in a couple of weeks or so. Some kids just need alone time and time to follow their own interests.

[Maus]

You can't take a shy person to a party. He'll have an anxiety attack.

 

You can't take an anti-social person to a party. She'll murder someone, or otherwise do something socially inappropriate.

 

You can take both an introvert and an extrovert to a party. The extrovert will gravitate to the center of activity, laughing and joking with large groups of people. When you take her home, she will be bouncing off the walls because she got so charged up from the interaction. Tomorrow, she'll say she had fun. The introvert will move to the edge and find one or two people to have a conversation with. There will be less joking, but probably a deep, animated conversation about a common interest. When you take him home, he'll go straight to sleep because it was draining to maintain interaction. Tomorrow, he'll say he had fun.

 

I'm an introvert with an extrovert father who was always pushing. It was exhausting and stressful.

 

My advice is to play to his strengths. Back off, but find some smaller groups or, even better, some meaningful one-on-one activities to "push." The chess suggestion of a pp was good, if he likes chess. When you look for classes, he'll probably like private lessons, or semi-private lessons, much more than lessons with 30 other kids.

 

DH is an introvert, too. We have lots of friends. We don't throw parties and invite them all over at once. That sounds horrifying. We do have them over one or two at a time for dinner (maybe one couple with their kids). We enjoy that very much, even though we crash when they leave.

[texascamps]

I am the dissenting opinion here. I have more than one shy kid, introverted in the ways you mentioned though not unhappy or anything like that. In fact their personalities, talents, etc. are very different from each other. However, we push/pushed them out there. We deliberately put them in situations where they had to be around people/kids and situations that they did not want. This included public speaking/performance. We especially push/pushed them into team sports. Yes, they were not happy to be there. Yes, they threw fits. Yes, there were tears and breakdowns. Yes, all of those things that break our hearts as mothers to see. But, in the end, so far, it has been worth it.

 

We never told the teacher to let them do their presentations in private, or ask for alternate assignments, like other parents I know who have shy introverts. In fact as soon as we saw signs of shyness and introversion, we asked the teachers to call on them often, even though they don't raise their hands. "Please, put them on the spot," we asked. I have chosen specifically not to homeschool my two shy/homebodies.

 

 

My oldest is almost sixteen and recently thanked me (yes, I was floored) and his father that we made him do all the things we made him do. He said that he would never have accomplished what he has, nor made the friends he has made without the forced participation. He has made a huge turn around from being nerdy and bookish to being athletic, involved, talkative, self confident and pro active in his own life. Says he wants to be an orthodontist or a Rock musician.

 

We'll see what happens to the other one.... he is at a community play practice today. What he really wanted to do was finish a Percy Jackson book and be in his room...maybe go exploring later, alone.

 

 

In our minds, we are just trying to help facilitate them finding new aspects and talents that they may not know they have and will never find on their own, unless they are forced to "get out there!"

 

Just another option.

[Parrothead]

Being introverted is not "anti-social". I don't push it because I understand it.

:iagree:It is difficult for extroverts to "get" introverts

:iagree:

 

I'd encourage you to do some reading on introverts. :)

:iagree:

I should have come up with better wording. I was trying to steer away from "shy" as he is definitely not shy once put into a social situation. He is loud, silly, talkative, etc. It's just that if he had his choice, he would stay home. I apologize if my wording was offense....totally not my intention!!

 

Thanks for the advice. I guess I just need to respect his need for alone time. I just hate to seem him slowly pulling away from all the social activities he used to look forward to. It just makes me sad to see him alone even though I know it apparently is what he wants.

Yes definitely not shy. Probably introverted. After being with people at camp he will need to decompress for a day to a week. It depends on the introvert. We do enjoy our social situations in the moment, but dread going and need time alone after.

 

I'm an introvert married to an introvert with a child who is an introvert. I'm probably the worst of the three. I love to visit my friends for up to several hours at a time. I love it when I get home or when they go home just as much as I love the visiting. It takes me at least a day to want to interact with them again.

 

I don't make dd go to lessons or to play with friends. She likes to do those things. But I make sure our evenings are relaxed and peaceful. I make sure we have at least one down day during the week over the summer so she can decompress.

 

Listen to what your guy is saying, but make sure he gets our at least once a week.

[Verity]

You can't take a shy person to a party. He'll have an anxiety attack.

 

You can't take an anti-social person to a party. She'll murder someone, or otherwise do something socially inappropriate.

 

You can take both an introvert and an extrovert to a party. The extrovert will gravitate to the center of activity, laughing and joking with large groups of people. When you take her home, she will be bouncing off the walls because she got so charged up from the interaction. Tomorrow, she'll say she had fun. The introvert will move to the edge and find one or two people to have a conversation with. There will be less joking, but probably a deep, animated conversation about a common interest. When you take him home, he'll go straight to sleep because it was draining to maintain interaction. Tomorrow, he'll say he had fun.

 

I'm an introvert with an extrovert father who was always pushing. It was exhausting and stressful.

 

My advice is to play to his strengths. Back off, but find some smaller groups or, even better, some meaningful one-on-one activities to "push." The chess suggestion of a pp was good, if he likes chess. When you look for classes, he'll probably like private lessons, or semi-private lessons, much more than lessons with 30 other kids.

 

DH is an introvert, too. We have lots of friends. We don't throw parties and invite them all over at once. That sounds horrifying. We do have them over one or two at a time for dinner (maybe one couple with their kids). We enjoy that very much, even though we crash when they leave.

 

:iagree:

 

I am a classic introvert, dh is a classic extrovert and it takes juggling for us both to get our needs met. Yesterday I sent dh to a movie with a friend and another friend took my extrovert son with her daughter to see a different film. I took my two introvert sons home for some downtime after church and before we hosted a Father's Day dinner with grandparents and the friends from the movie.

I make my introverts leave the house at least once or twice a week but being an introvert myself (though also I love performance singing and playing instruments - it's not shyness, per se) I just understand what they need.

Different strokes ;)

[happypamama]

My 7yo DS is very shy. At 3, he wouldn't leave my side when we went places. He's very sweet and loving, just really, really shy.

 

I did not push him at all. We encouraged him to try things, like co-op classes with a teacher he knew and liked, when I was right across the hall, but we didn't make him go if he didn't want to. I've offered him the chance to play soccer, but he's declined, saying he doesn't want to leave me.

 

In the last year, he has really, really blossomed, and it's been amazing to watch. He has friends; he jumps right in when we go to the park! He goes to co-op classes and does just fine, even when he doesn't have any siblings with him. He's still a little shy when he doesn't know what's going on, but the difference in a year has been incredible. I am glad I did not push him.

[mamaraby]

I found Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking to be a very encouraging read, for both of us. I first read about the book here on the boards.

 

I'd recommend reading this book as well. I'd also encourage you to follow his cues. You may feel like he's missing things that he "used to" enjoy, but maybe he didn't enjoy them as much as you thought? It could be that he didn't enjoy them quite as much as you thought, but didn't feel like he could speak up before. He's getting older so maybe he's now more comfortable to speak up.

 

It could all just be a periodic thing, too. Maybe he just needs a bit of quiet for a season? Keep the lines of communication open and try not to push to hard. I hate it when people try to push me into social situations (both now and in the past).

[hsbaby]

I will definitely check out the book! Any insight would be helpful. I have always thrived on social activity so it's hard for me to feel like he's nor missing out. However, I know he is happy and it's more my problem than his!

[Tarreymere]

When I was a kid (public school, no less), my mom had to literally bribe me to put down a fiction novel to go out swimming with the family without complaint. I'm sure she thought it was for the best, but while I did enjoy swimming once I got there, and playing outside with other people, I really did and still do prefer to curl up quietly somewhere and read. You aren't going to change your child's fundamental personality.

 

You mention that your son does well once he is out with other kids, but that he doesn't prefer it. He isn't shy, he just isn't interested. HE doesn't feel like he is missing out. From your description you've given him plenty of opportunities. It sounds to me like he is comfortable with who he is, and it is you who is not comfortable. :grouphug: I have had a couple extroverted kids who have realy needed a lot of time out and about around people and I've had a really hard time coping with them, so I can see how you as an extroverted mom are having a hard time understanding your introverted son.

 

My mom used the same words you did when you wrote about your son, words like 'isolating himself', 'alone', ect. I think it might help if you change that inner dialogue with your self to exclude those words. He isn't 'isolating himself' (which makes him sound like he needs an intervention) he is 'enjoying independent activities'. Maybe you could work on trying to put a more positive spin on how you as his mom view his choices.....