Teen/Pre-Teen Advice

[Mom0012]

My son will be 13 in a few months. He has always been a very sweet, thoughtful and easy kid. Sometimes he gets an attitude about something, but for the most part, he has been a joy.

 

Yesterday, I wanted to spend the day as a family out of the house. I have been confined to the house a lot due to allergy issues over the last month. I wanted to go to church and then to a festival that was about an hour away. It was a gorgeous day.

 

I told ds this is what we would be doing and he did not want to go. Over the last year or two, he has become reluctant to do things that he used to jump at doing, but then winds up having a good time once he is there. Not yesterday. He had an attitude the entire day. I tried to offset the fact that he didn't want to go to the festival by taking him to his favorite place for lunch. That didn't help at all.

 

Anyway, he never snapped out of it, and the day was basically ruined for me. I was so disappointed. He didn't do anything terrible, but he just moped and made it clear he was unhappy to be there. Later, when I told him how I felt about his behavior and how it had affected the rest of the family, I was really surprised that he did not apologize, but rather, dug his heels in further. I told him he could get his own dinner and spend the rest of the evening in his room because at that point, I had just had it with him.

 

I was an awesome little kid/baby mommy, but I can see that I am going to suck as the mother of teens. I feel lost at how to handle these types of situations and I'm finding that my son now has the power to hurt my feelings in a way he never did before.

 

Okay, so is there a good book that addresses these types of issues? I feel like I need some guidance. I want to continue to have a good relationship with my kids through the teen years, but I'm starting to wonder what I'm really in for here.

 

TIA!

Lisa

[SailorMom]

I can't think of a good book to address it, but :grouphug:

This is why I started letting my sons stay home if they didn't want to go to something. Sometimes they'll want to , other times they won't. DH and I ask them to come, but don't make them anymore. Started that at about 12-ish.

[Mom0012]

I can't think of a good book to address it, but :grouphug:

This is why I started letting my sons stay home if they didn't want to go to something. Sometimes they'll want to , other times they won't. DH and I ask them to come, but don't make them anymore. Started that at about 12-ish.

 

Yeah, in hindsight, I wondered if I should have done that. He would have been home for about 6 hours and we would have been over an hour away. I guess he's old enough for that. It just would have been a first. And I really wanted to spend time with him. And I really thought he would snap out of it. I guess those times may just be over, huh? Thanks, Kristy.

 

Lisa

[FiveOaksAcademy]

Okay, so is there a good book that addresses these types of issues? I feel like I need some guidance. I want to continue to have a good relationship with my kids through the teen years, but I'm starting to wonder what I'm really in for here.

 

TIA!

Lisa

 

Not to address this particularly, but a book I liked was "Age of Opportunity" by Paul David Tripp. It is from a Christian perspective, if that works for you. It just kind of discusses taking mistakes and opportunities and using them for guiding the teen.

 

On a personal note, dh and I pretty much put our foot down with that type of attitude. 90% of the time, happiness and being pleasant is a choice. It is a life lesson. We can't go around in life showing how annoyed, sad, angry, irritated, etc. we are with every emotion. Often, in order to do the one-anothering of scripture, we have to smile and do what is good for the person we love, even when we aren't particularly thrilled about it. As adults/parents, we do that for our children quite often: I don't particulary DESIRE to clean up the vomit they just got on my carpet in the middle of the night and then to go care for them throughout the night, but I do it because I love them!! It is just guiding them to care about others and not be selfish jerks!! :lol: Not that your kid is a selfish jerk...but all teens will have some of that in them, and it's good to guide them through it and tell them it's just not acceptable to treat others like that.

[Haiku]

I don't think you need a book. I think you need a backbone. (And I'm not saying you don't have one. I'm saying it's time to make sure your backbone is dusted off and ramrod straight, because you're going to need it over the next few years.)

 

First of all, I would make ds atone for spoiling your day. That kind of behavior is unacceptable around here. And if the atonement is done with attitude, then he would earn more atonement.

 

Second, the next time ds wanted me to take him somewhere, I would, but I would act rude, sulky, obnoxious, and miserable about it. Bonus points if the taking him somewhere involves having his friends along. I wouldn't do this as a punishment but because kids can be notoriously dense and sometimes need object lessons in exactly how their thoughtless behavior makes others feel.

 

My dd17 has been a rude, sulky, rather obnoxious child since we adopted her (as a pre-teen). She goes through periods of relative pleasantness, but her default is rude, sulky, and rather obnoxious. Because my goal is to raise a child I don't feel guilty unleashing on society, I nail her on it just about every time.

 

My dd has written apology letters, made apology phonecalls, done extra chores, and atoned for her rude, sulky, rather obnoxious behavior in myriad ways over the course of the years. I must be doing something right, because the way she treats other people (non-family) has improved a lot. Sometimes she's even less rude, sulky, and rather obnoxious to us!

 

We had one memorable trip to my father's house where her behavior was so appalling that it's still remembered as the time aliens invaded her body.

 

Some kids don't weather adolescence well, but my philosophy is not to give in to it. I expect excellent behavior. I know we all stumble, but I don't excuse being a snot. Your son is old enough to know that sometimes we do things for other people because we care about them.

 

Your son owes you an apology and a pleasant outing. I'd select a day and have him plan it.

 

Tara

Edited June 4, 2012 by TaraTheLiberator

[SailorMom]

I get wanting to make them be considerate, and there are certainly times when my sons don't have a choice- but by the time they are 12, I think they should have some sort of say in how they spend their limited free time. If my son would rather read a book than go to an art festival, then why not?

He should apologize, but other than that - I think it's just time to let him go his own way at times.

You would think that because of this we do very little as a family - but as soon as you give the kids a choice, and the newness wears off, they tend to want to come with you again frequently. DH and I purposefully do not include them in all of our plans, so when we invite them along, they see it as a privilege.

[ma23peas]

We have a motto around here...no one is allowed to steal any other's joy...now we often do, but we know it is wrong and we apologize. That is where I would start...you leave out the exasperations of how wrong he is and just flatly tell him he was wrong and something has to be done, if he can not find it within himself to be apologetic/remorseful...then there are other ways to 'pay' for the transgression...for us it is work...wash the fences, pull weeds, make beds, make sure there is a measurable amount of work and that he does it with care...if he does it with attitude, another chore comes along where he can 'pay' for that. All the while, I encourage them not smart mouthy, but honestly praise him for doing it well...then afterwards we have a short (2 minute) talk...so that it is understood that behavior is not accepted. The teen years are tough, but you must have consistent behavior standards...it actually makes it easier for them in the long run...allow them freedom to explore, reach out, discover new things, but being disrespectful/sulky/sullen/selfish...nobody should allow those.

 

Make the right thing easy and the wrong thing hard.

[Harriet Vane]

Yeah, in hindsight, I wondered if I should have done that. He would have been home for about 6 hours and we would have been over an hour away. I guess he's old enough for that. It just would have been a first. And I really wanted to spend time with him. And I really thought he would snap out of it. I guess those times may just be over, huh? Thanks, Kristy.

 

Lisa

 

Speaking gently . . .

 

The last thing I would allow him to do is decide to not participate in family events.

 

On the one hand, as teens they do have more of a life apart from the family, and that is normal and acceptable. Also as teens they want more control over their schedule, which is also normal and acceptable.

 

However, family time is not only reasonable, but GOOD. Yes, they are growing up and getting ready to fly, but they do still need to connect with their family.

 

And it is NOT acceptable to treat people badly at any time.

 

I have an uncle who has allowed his teenage daughter to stop participating in family events and who also allows her to be unbelievably rude to her siblings. The result has been a teen who is isolated, spends a lot of time with peers or alone and not with family, and who is terribly rude to the people who love her. I firmly believe that catering to that behavior has made it worse for this teen.

 

I like Tara's suggestion of atoning for his bad behavior. He should not be allowed to treat people badly.

[kewb]

I am glad I opened this thread. I am trying to take some of this advice to heart. This weekend I caught my teen lying to me. Not once, but twice. I think I could have handled my response to it a wee bit better. I have taken his ipod (which is what he was lying about) and cell phone and told him he won't be spending the night at his friends house next weekend. Where I fell down is in the incredibly harpish/shrieking/long winded lecture I gave him. After reducing him to tears and screaming at him that I don't need this grief and he can just go to school next year. And screaming at how he broke the trust between us. And screaming at him that I am appalled I raised a liar. And screaming that I am angry that he has so little respect for me that he would lie to my face multiple times. And screaming a few other things I am not proud of saying I left him in his room.

 

Last nights episode was the culmination of my frustration with his attitude of late. An attitude that has been downright unpleasant lately.

[fairfarmhand]

Yeah, in hindsight, I wondered if I should have done that. He would have been home for about 6 hours and we would have been over an hour away. I guess he's old enough for that. It just would have been a first. And I really wanted to spend time with him. And I really thought he would snap out of it. I guess those times may just be over, huh? Thanks, Kristy.

 

Lisa

 

 

tell him this. lovingly.

 

I might also remind him of the times that other family members have listened and participated in HIS fun things with good attitudes to contribute to his joy. You may want to ask him how it would feel if mom or dad had sighed, rolled their eyes and sulked the whole time.

 

I would not allow my 14 yo. to stay home alone all day while I was an hour away for festival, just because she felt pouty. That's a long day for a young teen to be alone, and my own fun would be diminished for the worry of it.

Edited June 4, 2012 by fairfarmhand

[regentrude]

We have always done family outings every weekend when the kids were younger, but around age 12-13 it started that they often did not want to come anymore. So, we have let them stay home. They still come, occasionally, on very special outings, and I am looking forward to our trips when we get to spend time together.

It does make me a bit sad, but I realize that as a young teen *I* myself did not do weekend outings with my parents anymore either (and as of 15, I did not join them on vacation anymore ). It is part of them growing up.

I do not want to force them and then have them mope and ruin the day; I'd rather they come cheerfully every few months.

[Chris in VA]

I have a little different take on it, I think. Pls understand I'm not a great "teen" mom, either--one was extremely easy and compliant, largely due to the nature of his Asbergers, and the other, off the scale rebellious. Who knows what the last one will be like...

 

I think it's a good idea to try to work on establishing emotional boundaries. YOU have to decide to be happy/cheerful/have a good time and not let your kids' emotions/rotten attitude/sulkiness/whatever affect you so much. I found myself being extremely reactive, to the extent that I let what I even thought they were feeling affect me. It led me down a negative road. I had to work on separating what I was feeling and what they were feeling, largely so I didn't get sucked in.

 

No one can steal your joy unless you let them. Yes, it's hard to not let them affect you in a negative way, but it's important that they don't have the burden of being responsible for YOUR feelings when they are still learning to be responsible for theirs.

 

Hope that makes sense.

 

I would not punish him for feelings, I would only punish for actions. If he went with you and was fairly compliant, I'd see it as an effort and ok. I would talk to him about your hopes for family togetherness, and perhaps acknowledge to him that you will seek his input and ideas from now on--he won't get to plan everything, but you will honor his growing up and try to incorporate his ideas. You might be surprised at what HE wants to do, and how much fun it could be for your family!

 

I do remember my husband being so discouraged when the boys decided they didn't want to do the things he suggested they do together--he saw it as them not wanting his company and that hurt! But really they were saying they'd grown beyond just hanging with Dad, letting him plan and be in control, and wanted some input and some choice. Maybe turning it around would be good.

[SailorMom]

Speaking gently . . .

 

The last thing I would allow him to do is decide to not participate in family events.

 

On the one hand, as teens they do have more of a life apart from the family, and that is normal and acceptable. Also as teens they want more control over their schedule, which is also normal and acceptable.

 

However, family time is not only reasonable, but GOOD. Yes, they are growing up and getting ready to fly, but they do still need to connect with their family.

 

.

 

There is a happy medium that can be reached. We play board games ALL THE TIME together, go sailing, go out to eat, etc., but my DS's understand when I don't want to go shooting with them and their dad, and I understand when they don't want to go shopping or to a girly movie with me. Family time is absolutely important, but time away is, IMHO, important as well.

And 6 hours alone for a 14 yo is nothing....

[Haiku]

 

Last nights episode was the culmination of my frustration with his attitude of late. An attitude that has been downright unpleasant lately.

 

Honestly, I don't think you fell down by screaming and shrieking. Unless that is your normal response, it probably did your kid some good to see how much he upset you. He cried? Well, so be it. He should feel shame, guilt, and unpleasant feelings for lying to his mother.

 

I don't advocate intentionally knocking kids down or constantly harping on them, but neither do I advocate tip-toeing around them so that we never cause them feelings of shame, guilt, unhappiness, what-have-you.

 

You reap what you sow. My kids are well schooled in this, in addition to being well-schooled in being loved and forgiven for transgressions. When my kids drive me to the brink, they know they are at fault.

 

Tara

[Mom0012]

Not to address this particularly, but a book I liked was "Age of Opportunity" by Paul David Tripp. It is from a Christian perspective, if that works for you. It just kind of discusses taking mistakes and opportunities and using them for guiding the teen.

 

On a personal note, dh and I pretty much put our foot down with that type of attitude. 90% of the time, happiness and being pleasant is a choice. It is a life lesson. We can't go around in life showing how annoyed, sad, angry, irritated, etc. we are with every emotion. Often, in order to do the one-anothering of scripture, we have to smile and do what is good for the person we love, even when we aren't particularly thrilled about it. As adults/parents, we do that for our children quite often: I don't particulary DESIRE to clean up the vomit they just got on my carpet in the middle of the night and then to go care for them throughout the night, but I do it because I love them!! It is just guiding them to care about others and not be selfish jerks!! :lol: Not that your kid is a selfish jerk...but all teens will have some of that in them, and it's good to guide them through it and tell them it's just not acceptable to treat others like that.

 

Yes, this is how my husband wants to handle it. And, really, me too. I don't want to feel as though we can't do things because my son might have an attitude. How exactly did you "put your foot down". I have never had much trouble with my son and have always been able to reason with him. I feel yesterday was our first time into totally new territory.

 

I also don't want to take an overly-authoritarian stance because I don't want him to flee and never want to come back as soon as he is of age.

 

I will take a look at the book you suggested. Thanks!

Lisa

[regentrude]

I do remember my husband being so discouraged when the boys decided they didn't want to do the things he suggested they do together--he saw it as them not wanting his company and that hurt! But really they were saying they'd grown beyond just hanging with Dad, letting him plan and be in control, and wanted some input and some choice. Maybe turning it around would be good.

 

:iagree:Good advice.

I found that my teens do enjoy time with us - just not doing the same activities that they enjoyed when they were younger.

So, instead of going on a nature walk or play by the river as we have done every weekend in years past, DD likes to cook and eat with me, go shopping occasionally; DS likes to build computers and play video games and mountainbike with dad.

They are still up for the more adventurous hikes, rock climbs, backpacking trips - but the weekly gentle hikes through the Ozarks, nope. It does not mean we do not spend time as a family, it just means that we do different things together, and that we need to listen to what *they* want to do.

[Mom0012]

I don't think you need a book. I think you need a backbone. (And I'm not saying you don't have one. I'm saying it's time to make sure your backbone is dusted off and ramrod straight, because you're going to need it over the next few years.)

 

First of all, I would make ds atone for spoiling your day. That kind of behavior is unacceptable around here. And if the atonement is done with attitude, then he would earn more atonement.

 

Second, the next time ds wanted me to take him somewhere, I would, but I would act rude, sulky, obnoxious, and miserable about it. Bonus points if the taking him somewhere involves having his friends along. I wouldn't do this as a punishment but because kids can be notoriously dense and sometimes need object lessons in exactly how their thoughtless behavior makes others feel.

 

My dd17 has been a rude, sulky, rather obnoxious child since we adopted her (as a pre-teen). She goes through periods of relative pleasantness, but her default is rude, sulky, and rather obnoxious. Because my goal is to raise a child I don't feel guilty unleashing on society, I nail her on it just about every time.

 

My dd has written apology letters, made apology phonecalls, done extra chores, and atoned for her rude, sulky, rather obnoxious behavior in myriad ways over the course of the years. I must be doing something right, because the way she treats other people (non-family) has improved a lot. Sometimes she's even less rude, sulky, and rather obnoxious to us!

 

We had one memorable trip to my father's house where her behavior was so appalling that it's still remembered as the time aliens invaded her body.

 

Some kids don't weather adolescence well, but my philosophy is not to give in to it. I expect excellent behavior. I know we all stumble, but I don't excuse being a snot. Your son is old enough to know that sometimes we do things for other people because we care about them.

 

Your son owes you an apology and a pleasant outing. I'd select a day and have him plan it.

 

Tara

 

Well, I usually do not take a lot of crap from the kids, but then, I haven't really had them give me much either. When he told me he didn't want to go, I said I was sorry, but this is what we were doing. I told him if he didn't want to do it himself, then I would like him to do it for me because it was important to me.

 

He did suffer a consequence when we got home. He had to make his own dinner and then go to his room and he was not allowed to play with his legos, coin collection or listen to audiobooks. Things escalated between us when I went to speak with him a few hours later because at that point he had a really snotty attitude and I had him sit in a chair in the hallway until bedtime. He did not like that. At bedtime, he did shed some tears and apologize and we hugged and I told him I loved him before bed. He is back to his normal sweet self today.

 

I get what you are saying about the backbone. I just think there is a fine line to walk on at this age. I want to choose my battles wisely because I do not want to escalate things and, with this particular child, I especially don't want to beat him down. That might sound odd, but I think he has a hard time standing up for himself and I don't want to always overpower him with my authority.

 

Lisa

[Mom0012]

I get wanting to make them be considerate, and there are certainly times when my sons don't have a choice- but by the time they are 12, I think they should have some sort of say in how they spend their limited free time. If my son would rather read a book than go to an art festival, then why not?

He should apologize, but other than that - I think it's just time to let him go his own way at times.

You would think that because of this we do very little as a family - but as soon as you give the kids a choice, and the newness wears off, they tend to want to come with you again frequently. DH and I purposefully do not include them in all of our plans, so when we invite them along, they see it as a privilege.

 

Well, that is very encouraging, Kristy. Good food for thought.

 

Lisa

[TranquilMind]

Chris in VA: I have a little different take on it, I think. Pls understand I'm not a great "teen" mom, either--one was extremely easy and compliant, largely due to the nature of his Asbergers, and the other, off the scale rebellious. Who knows what the last one will be like...

 

Is ANYONE a great teen Mom? I'm not. And your oldest 2 kids must be living at my house (absent Aspergers so no excuses or reasons). :001_huh:

 

 

I think it's a good idea to try to work on establishing emotional boundaries. YOU have to decide to be happy/cheerful/have a good time and not let your kids' emotions/rotten attitude/sulkiness/whatever affect you so much. I found myself being extremely reactive, to the extent that I let what I even thought they were feeling affect me. It led me down a negative road. I had to work on separating what I was feeling and what they were feeling, largely so I didn't get sucked in.

 

This is good advice and I actually rationally know this. It is putting it into practice that is almost impossible. My husband is able to do this. I am not, not often.

 

No one can steal your joy unless you let them. Yes, it's hard to not let them affect you in a negative way, but it's important that they don't have the burden of being responsible for YOUR feelings when they are still learning to be responsible for theirs.

 

Or the POWER over you. I give mine far too much power instead of take it back myself. I do realize this.

[Mom0012]

We have a motto around here...no one is allowed to steal any other's joy...now we often do, but we know it is wrong and we apologize. That is where I would start...you leave out the exasperations of how wrong he is and just flatly tell him he was wrong and something has to be done, if he can not find it within himself to be apologetic/remorseful...then there are other ways to 'pay' for the transgression...for us it is work...wash the fences, pull weeds, make beds, make sure there is a measurable amount of work and that he does it with care...if he does it with attitude, another chore comes along where he can 'pay' for that. All the while, I encourage them not smart mouthy, but honestly praise him for doing it well...then afterwards we have a short (2 minute) talk...so that it is understood that behavior is not accepted. The teen years are tough, but you must have consistent behavior standards...it actually makes it easier for them in the long run...allow them freedom to explore, reach out, discover new things, but being disrespectful/sulky/sullen/selfish...nobody should allow those.

 

Make the right thing easy and the wrong thing hard.

 

Yes, I think this is where my husband and I need to make some decisions on what is important to us and what behavior we are going to expect. I just feel like I'm entering new territory and learning all over again.

 

Lisa

[kewb]

Honestly, I don't think you fell down by screaming and shrieking. Unless that is your normal response, it probably did your kid some good to see how much he upset you. He cried? Well, so be it. He should feel shame, guilt, and unpleasant feelings for lying to his mother. Tara

 

Thank you. The drag down shriek and scream of last night is not my norm. I usually try to have reasonable discussions about expectations and meeting them and then following through on consequences. That, however, was not working.

 

I don't advocate intentionally knocking kids down or constantly harping on them, but neither do I advocate tip-toeing around them so that we never cause them feelings of shame, guilt, unhappiness, what-have-you. Tara

 

This is so true and I usually follow this but I see after last night that I have been a bit to forgiving in the past few months in my understanding of where he is coming from.

 

You reap what you sow. My kids are well schooled in this, in addition to being well-schooled in being loved and forgiven for transgressions. When my kids drive me to the brink, they know they are at fault. Tara

 

Thanks for the reminder that you do reap what you sow. If nothing else, he is being productive today. School work has been done without complaint. He is not enjoying the "you broke the trust, you have to live with the results" rules but at least he is not complaining.

[Mom0012]

Speaking gently . . .

 

The last thing I would allow him to do is decide to not participate in family events.

 

On the one hand, as teens they do have more of a life apart from the family, and that is normal and acceptable. Also as teens they want more control over their schedule, which is also normal and acceptable.

 

However, family time is not only reasonable, but GOOD. Yes, they are growing up and getting ready to fly, but they do still need to connect with their family.

 

And it is NOT acceptable to treat people badly at any time.

 

I have an uncle who has allowed his teenage daughter to stop participating in family events and who also allows her to be unbelievably rude to her siblings. The result has been a teen who is isolated, spends a lot of time with peers or alone and not with family, and who is terribly rude to the people who love her. I firmly believe that catering to that behavior has made it worse for this teen.

 

I like Tara's suggestion of atoning for his bad behavior. He should not be allowed to treat people badly.

 

Interestingly, a large part of the reason I wanted to go to the festival was to connect as a family. I have been chronically ill for a few years and am just burnt out, so while I do a great job homeschooling and an okay job keeping up with the house, I have a lot of regret about not doing as many family activities. I do a lot of things with and for the kids socially and activity-wise, but we don't do many things as a family unit. I felt that was important and was trying to make a change.

 

I'm hoping this was just a one-time or rare incident and that we will be able to do things together in the future and have fun. If it's not a one-time incident, then that's where I really need to figure out how to handle things without breaking the relationship or my son's spirit.

 

There is no way I would tolerate him behaving rude or nasty all the time. That would be a no-brainer for me. What he did yesterday was more passive-aggressive and I find that kind of stuff more tricky to deal with. Plus, it was so unexpected, really.

 

I clearly have a lot of thinking to do on this.

 

Thanks!

 

Lisa

Edited June 4, 2012 by LisaTheresa

[Mom0012]

tell him this. lovingly.

 

I might also remind him of the times that other family members have listened and participated in HIS fun things with good attitudes to contribute to his joy. You may want to ask him how it would feel if mom or dad had sighed, rolled their eyes and sulked the whole time.

 

I would not allow my 14 yo. to stay home alone all day while I was an hour away for festival, just because she felt pouty. That's a long day for a young teen to be alone, and my own fun would be diminished for the worry of it.

 

I did tell him this very nicely and I told him it was important to me. I reminded him of some of the things I have done for him this week. That's why I was so surprised he didn't snap out of it. He is usually a very caring, empathetic person.

 

Lisa

[Mom0012]

We have always done family outings every weekend when the kids were younger, but around age 12-13 it started that they often did not want to come anymore. So, we have let them stay home. They still come, occasionally, on very special outings, and I am looking forward to our trips when we get to spend time together.

It does make me a bit sad, but I realize that as a young teen *I* myself did not do weekend outings with my parents anymore either (and as of 15, I did not join them on vacation anymore ). It is part of them growing up.

I do not want to force them and then have them mope and ruin the day; I'd rather they come cheerfully every few months.

 

Yes, I remember not wanting to do things as a family when I became this age. And I remember being quite the PITA. My parents never did anything about it. They were extremely hands-off in the parenting department, but I have always had and have a lovely relationship with them as an adult. Many times, I have thought I would do things very differently than them, but then I think of the results they got in the end, and I think they did pretty well. All three of their adult children want to be involved in their lives and we have all gone on to live happy, successful lives of our own.

 

Lisa

[Mom0012]

I have a little different take on it, I think. Pls understand I'm not a great "teen" mom, either--one was extremely easy and compliant, largely due to the nature of his Asbergers, and the other, off the scale rebellious. Who knows what the last one will be like...

 

I think it's a good idea to try to work on establishing emotional boundaries. YOU have to decide to be happy/cheerful/have a good time and not let your kids' emotions/rotten attitude/sulkiness/whatever affect you so much. I found myself being extremely reactive, to the extent that I let what I even thought they were feeling affect me. It led me down a negative road. I had to work on separating what I was feeling and what they were feeling, largely so I didn't get sucked in.

 

No one can steal your joy unless you let them. Yes, it's hard to not let them affect you in a negative way, but it's important that they don't have the burden of being responsible for YOUR feelings when they are still learning to be responsible for theirs.

 

Hope that makes sense.

 

I would not punish him for feelings, I would only punish for actions. If he went with you and was fairly compliant, I'd see it as an effort and ok. I would talk to him about your hopes for family togetherness, and perhaps acknowledge to him that you will seek his input and ideas from now on--he won't get to plan everything, but you will honor his growing up and try to incorporate his ideas. You might be surprised at what HE wants to do, and how much fun it could be for your family!

 

I do remember my husband being so discouraged when the boys decided they didn't want to do the things he suggested they do together--he saw it as them not wanting his company and that hurt! But really they were saying they'd grown beyond just hanging with Dad, letting him plan and be in control, and wanted some input and some choice. Maybe turning it around would be good.

 

Gosh, I'm getting so much good advice here! I had that thought myself yesterday -- that I should not let his mopiness (is that a word?) ruin my day. That my feelings and reactions are my own responsibility. I am entirely too wrapped up in the kids and their happiness and their feelings. It was not that long ago that I was talking with my mother about how I needed to separate my own feelings from my children's and develop some tougher skin. I seem to be quite reactive to their emotions and as they enter the teen years, I am going to have separate some or I am going to have many unhappy days.

 

Thanks, Chris!

 

Lisa

[Mom0012]

:iagree:Good advice.

I found that my teens do enjoy time with us - just not doing the same activities that they enjoyed when they were younger.

So, instead of going on a nature walk or play by the river as we have done every weekend in years past, DD likes to cook and eat with me, go shopping occasionally; DS likes to build computers and play video games and mountainbike with dad.

They are still up for the more adventurous hikes, rock climbs, backpacking trips - but the weekly gentle hikes through the Ozarks, nope. It does not mean we do not spend time as a family, it just means that we do different things together, and that we need to listen to what *they* want to do.

 

Yes, and that's part of where I need to make a transition. I had already asked the kids to each make up a list of things they would like to do this summer because I know a lot of the things I've done with them in the past are not going to work anymore, especially for my son. My dd has already given me a list and I need to work on my son today. I told my husband earlier in the week that the summer just seems to be stretching out in front of me, empty and bleak, because I have to do things differently than we've done them up until now and, yet, I'm not sure of exactly how to do that.

 

Lisa

[Unicorn.]

Speaking gently . . .

 

The last thing I would allow him to do is decide to not participate in family events.

 

On the one hand, as teens they do have more of a life apart from the family, and that is normal and acceptable. Also as teens they want more control over their schedule, which is also normal and acceptable.

 

However, family time is not only reasonable, but GOOD. Yes, they are growing up and getting ready to fly, but they do still need to connect with their family.

 

And it is NOT acceptable to treat people badly at any time.

 

I have an uncle who has allowed his teenage daughter to stop participating in family events and who also allows her to be unbelievably rude to her siblings. The result has been a teen who is isolated, spends a lot of time with peers or alone and not with family, and who is terribly rude to the people who love her. I firmly believe that catering to that behavior has made it worse for this teen.

 

I like Tara's suggestion of atoning for his bad behavior. He should not be allowed to treat people badly.

 

:iagree: w/ Strider. I'm not saying he doesn't need time alone, but I wouldn't leave a 13 yo home alone that long while I was an hour away. And he needs to learn that he still has rules and boundaries. As mom, you have to ignore the poutiness while you are out- expect it even- since he didn't want to go in the first place. That way he doesn't completely ruin your fun. And don't give in to it by taking him to his favorite place for lunch. This day was about family, and you let him make it about him. Let him have his pout, but let him see that he isn't going to ruin it for you. You take all the control away from him by having a good time anyway.

[Haiku]

That might sound odd, but I think he has a hard time standing up for himself and I don't want to always overpower him with my authority.

 

 

I understand what you mean, but I also don't want you to think that I rule my family with an iron fist. I certainly don't. I don't demand that dd do everything she doesn't want to, but there are some things she must do, like it or not. And I set the expectation for reasonable behavior, and I enforce it. It doesn't mean I overpower her. I just make plain the expectations and the consequences. More than once recently have I uttered the words, "Daddy and I don't like driving you to soccer four nights a week, but we do it because it's important to you, and we don't p!ss and moan about it!"

 

It did, however, stick out to me that you had your son sit on a chair as punishment for being snotty. Time-out seems more like something to be used for little kids. I'm not criticizing you, because I wasn't there. But the consequences I have enacted for my dd have always been of the action kind: doing something to atone. My dd knows that she has a choice, and if she chooses to indulge in selfish behavior, she will be working that choice off somehow.

 

Tara

[Mom0012]

I understand what you mean, but I also don't want you to think that I rule my family with an iron fist. I certainly don't. I don't demand that dd do everything she doesn't want to, but there are some things she must do, like it or not. And I set the expectation for reasonable behavior, and I enforce it. It doesn't mean I overpower her. I just make plain the expectations and the consequences. More than once recently have I uttered the words, "Daddy and I don't like driving you to soccer four nights a week, but we do it because it's important to you, and we don't p!ss and moan about it!"

 

It did, however, stick out to me that you had your son sit on a chair as punishment for being snotty. Time-out seems more like something to be used for little kids. I'm not criticizing you, because I wasn't there. But the consequences I have enacted for my dd have always been of the action kind: doing something to atone. My dd knows that she has a choice, and if she chooses to indulge in selfish behavior, she will be working that choice off somehow.

 

Tara

 

Yeah, the time-out thing isn't something I've used in years. I just didn't know what else to do and I was angry. That is actually what finally reached him in the end, but I really wished I had handled the whole thing differently.

 

And I'm not thinking you are ruling with an iron fist. I'm just feeling like I need to be very careful in how I handle things with this particular kid.

 

Thanks again.

 

Lisa

[EmilyK]

I just wanted to post since I feel like I'm in a similar situation, and I've appreciated reading all the posts. My 13 year old son has always been so sweet (and easily dominated) and I've always been able to count on him to be a happy camper on activities. Things have changed a bit for us, like you, too.

 

I guess I wanted to point out to show yourself compassion on this. Sounds like you have been dealing with chronic illness which can make the good days more important. My situation isn't as tough as yours but I'm dealing with a dying parent, and I've found myself thinner-skinned and less resilient. I had some bad days this spring where I thought I was going to spend a super-meaningful day with my family only to find the kids didn't seem that interested. In my case, I think I was so invested in this day (and hadn't really given them the memo that this was such a big deal, just relying on the fact that it was my birthday or something) that I saw too much significance in the situation with my kids.

 

I was definitely doing what Chris warned about and making them responsible for my happiness which wasn't fair.

 

I also wanted to say that one bad day does not mean a total sea change. I had those bleak feelings too that all the stuff we did before was gone. The reality here has been less melodramatic. With less pressure, my sons have been interested most of the time to do what I want. I have dialed back my expectations, and added things in that they like. My oldest wants less time with me than he used to, but the time we have together is almost always great. So don't feel that the good times are over.

[Mom0012]

I just wanted to post since I feel like I'm in a similar situation, and I've appreciated reading all the posts. My 13 year old son has always been so sweet (and easily dominated) and I've always been able to count on him to be a happy camper on activities. Things have changed a bit for us, like you, too.

 

I guess I wanted to point out to show yourself compassion on this. Sounds like you have been dealing with chronic illness which can make the good days more important. My situation isn't as tough as yours but I'm dealing with a dying parent, and I've found myself thinner-skinned and less resilient. I had some bad days this spring where I thought I was going to spend a super-meaningful day with my family only to find the kids didn't seem that interested. In my case, I think I was so invested in this day (and hadn't really given them the memo that this was such a big deal, just relying on the fact that it was my birthday or something) that I saw too much significance in the situation with my kids.

 

I was definitely doing what Chris warned about and making them responsible for my happiness which wasn't fair.

 

I also wanted to say that one bad day does not mean a total sea change. I had those bleak feelings too that all the stuff we did before was gone. The reality here has been less melodramatic. With less pressure, my sons have been interested most of the time to do what I want. I have dialed back my expectations, and added things in that they like. My oldest wants less time with me than he used to, but the time we have together is almost always great. So don't feel that the good times are over.

 

Thanks, Emily. You are so sweet to post this. I'm sorry to hear about your parent. I think that trumps anything I'm going through.

 

Anyway, it is a good reminder to hear that one bad day doesn't mean everything is headed in a negative direction. I really miss having my kids little and am adjusting to this new stage we are entering.

 

Lisa

[Haiku]

just relying on the fact that it was my birthday or something

 

Wait, you think it's your fault that it was your birthday and your kids seemed disinterested?

 

Hoo boy!

 

Everyone in my family still remembers the year my birthday was from hell. Woke up to dog diarrhea all over the floor, drove my kid 2 1/2 hours to a summer camp and she gave me the silent treatment the whole time, my husband forgot to wish me a happy birthday all day, and no one "had time" to make me a special dinner or treat.

 

Yeah, the family still remembers what a bad idea that was. They know they'd better make my birthday special. In fact, my birthday is next week, and they've been planning for a while now.

 

I get that it's not a good idea to make others responsible for your happiness, but that doesn't mean we have to tolerate inconsiderate behavior.

 

Tara

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:You are still going to be an awesome mom, you just need to relax a bit and not let his normal growing pains bring you down. I promise he is going to grow up into a wonderful guy. :grouphug:

 

I've got two, and dh and I both had to let go a bit to allow them to feel their way through the rocky road of being a hormonal teen.

 

 

 

My son will be 13 in a few months. He has always been a very sweet, thoughtful and easy kid. Sometimes he gets an attitude about something, but for the most part, he has been a joy.

 

Yesterday, I wanted to spend the day as a family out of the house. I have been confined to the house a lot due to allergy issues over the last month. I wanted to go to church and then to a festival that was about an hour away. It was a gorgeous day.

 

I told ds this is what we would be doing and he did not want to go. Over the last year or two, he has become reluctant to do things that he used to jump at doing, but then winds up having a good time once he is there. Not yesterday. He had an attitude the entire day. I tried to offset the fact that he didn't want to go to the festival by taking him to his favorite place for lunch. That didn't help at all.

 

Anyway, he never snapped out of it, and the day was basically ruined for me. I was so disappointed. He didn't do anything terrible, but he just moped and made it clear he was unhappy to be there. Later, when I told him how I felt about his behavior and how it had affected the rest of the family, I was really surprised that he did not apologize, but rather, dug his heels in further. I told him he could get his own dinner and spend the rest of the evening in his room because at that point, I had just had it with him.

 

I was an awesome little kid/baby mommy, but I can see that I am going to suck as the mother of teens. I feel lost at how to handle these types of situations and I'm finding that my son now has the power to hurt my feelings in a way he never did before.

 

Okay, so is there a good book that addresses these types of issues? I feel like I need some guidance. I want to continue to have a good relationship with my kids through the teen years, but I'm starting to wonder what I'm really in for here.

 

TIA!

Lisa

[Murphy101]

If it is a family event, all are required to attend and have a decent attitude.

 

Otherwise, sure they can stay home if they would like.

 

I would have just given the standard matter fact short lecture of: "How about I be a jerk next time you want to do something I'm not particularly thrilled with when I'd rather be doing what I want instead? Yeahhhhh. That's what I thought. So suck it up buttercup and get over yourself."

 

 

If that doesn't work, I progress to the next lecture of "You've got a family that loves you and 11 people who want to share your company and be there for you. Quit whining about it because the day is quickly approaching when being able to just hang with all of us will be rare and treasured."

 

Then we proceed as planned.:D

[EmilyK]

Wait, you think it's your fault that it was your birthday and your kids seemed disinterested?

 

Hoo boy!

 

Everyone in my family still remembers the year my birthday was from hell. Woke up to dog diarrhea all over the floor, drove my kid 2 1/2 hours to a summer camp and she gave me the silent treatment the whole time, my husband forgot to wish me a happy birthday all day, and no one "had time" to make me a special dinner or treat.

 

Yeah, the family still remembers what a bad idea that was. They know they'd better make my birthday special. In fact, my birthday is next week, and they've been planning for a while now.

 

I get that it's not a good idea to make others responsible for your happiness, but that doesn't mean we have to tolerate inconsiderate behavior.

 

Tara

 

Yeah, I hear you. I do know, however, after 20+ years of marriage that my husband's not a big special day celebrator, and over the years I have found life goes better when I say what I want to do for my special occasion (here unfortunately I had a crappy birthday, mother's day and anniversary in short succession), and honestly I often end up planning it. And normally that's fine -- I get to do things that are fun for me, and my family goes along -- but this year, I didn't plan fun for myself and I think my family was surprised when I was so down on those days. One of the reasons I have made a deal with it with my sons is I want them to be good husbands someday! But I also think I overreacted a bit since I'm putting heightened meaning in every life transition due to my dad's situation. There's a balance here somewhere; I just haven't found it!

[Lucy in Australia]

Okay, so is there a good book that addresses these types of issues? I feel like I need some guidance. I want to continue to have a good relationship with my kids through the teen years, but I'm starting to wonder what I'm really in for here.

 

I hope no one has already said this but this book was eye-opening for me and I highly recommend it:

Hold on to your kids: Why parents matter more than peers