Got myself involved in women drama...how could I have avoided?

[teachermom2834]

I belong to a homeschool group that I really like. I can get along with most of the women very well even if I am not going to be close friends with them. There are a few older women I really respect. The kids thrive in this group and the activities and feel very connected to the other kids. I have a couple pretty good friends that are involved.

 

The problems started when one of the leaders asked me to start taking on a few more jobs and helping her out with things. I am not a leader by nature. I am a good worker bee. Give me directions and I'll follow them. I don't really care to share my opinion or get my own way. I'd rather just follow orders in a group like this.

 

When I started being more visible and more connected to the leadership of this group it seems that really irked a couple of long time members who are not in leadership. For the entire past year I have been the recipient of snide comments and nasty shots. I let them roll off my back. I figured it wasn't really about me and nothing good would come from engaging.

 

Apparently that didn't work for me. Ultimately I ended up breaking down and crying in public after one of these episodes. I was stressed and it just got to me. Now, because some leaders saw this I had to kind of explain what was going on that had me upset. So, now I'm in the position of being in the middle of drama. I feel like I am gossiping to tell people what has gone on with these women and I feel like I've just stirred up trouble and gotten in the middle of a bunch of drama.

 

I really didn't mean to and I'm just sick to be in the middle of this. I really thought I could just handle the situation myself by ignoring them. Clearly, I should have handled it in some other way. The situation I am in now with all this uproar over the behavior of these women is precisely what I was trying to stay out of by not dealing with these women.

 

These women were wrong in how they treated me. I do feel responsible for not handling it better, though. Now people in the group are "talking" and I feel lots of drama brewing. What should I have done? How should I have handled them?

[lmrich]

:grouphug:I really don't have anything to say to you. I think you handled what you could in a way that was graceful and mature. I could say a lot to the other women. Why do women have to be like this? It is so disappointing.

 

I wish you the best going forward.

[Kathryn]

:grouphug: don't blame yourself for what is happening. You never know what the fallout would have been from a different course of action.

[besroma]

:grouphug: don't blame yourself for what is happening. You never know what the fallout would have been from a different course of action.

 

:iagree:

[Remudamom]

Things like this are going to happen no matter how you handle them. If you had said something like "What is the problem here?" they would probably would have just denied the whole thing.

 

Mean girl in adult form. You just have to move on.

[Rene']

I am not a leader by nature. I am a good worker bee. Give me directions and I'll follow them. I don't really care to share my opinion or get my own way in a group like this.

......Ultimately I ended up breaking down and crying in public after one of these episodes. I was stressed and it just got to me.

 

:grouphug: No advice. Just know you aren't alone. This is exactly my personality and I know myself, I would have broken down and cried too.

 

We just recently joined a homeschooling group. I'll remember this if they ask me to be in charge of anything. :)

[Lizzie in Ma]

Things like this are going to happen no matter how you handle them. If you had said something like "What is the problem here?" they would probably would have just denied the whole thing.

 

Mean girl in adult form. You just have to move on.

 

:iagree::iagree:

I am sorry you are dealing with this, but my guess is, it SO isn't your bad.

[Momma H]

Good grief!!! This behavior from these ladies is like .... Public school!! (Jr. high even) Seriously. I am sorry you have to be a part of this. With them acting like this, no wonder they aren't a part of leadership. Very catty and immature. You keep your chin up and just keep doing the right thing. When I keep in mind to just do the right thing and know the cream will rise to the top, it helps me cope with hard situations.

[Mama Geek]

:grouphug:

 

I read this the other day and didn't know quite how to respond. I do now think I have something that I can add.

 

I worked as a leader for part of a project for more than a year. The hardest part of leading is dealing with people. Some people are easy and some people are just nightmares. I don't think you could have avoided the drama unless you just hadn't stepped up to do what needed done. The ladies had resentment towards you for whatever reason they had in their minds. That is on them, not you.

 

I, like you, hate crying in front of people (except dh). When I worked either dh got the brunt of it at night or I would head to the bathroom at work after whatever discussions that had me so upset were over. Dh worked in the same building as I did and there were times that I would tell him to walk outside with me. Sometimes a few minutes would work and sometimes it would take the whole lunch hour. We had flexible lunches so that was nice. My headaches were caused by 1 or 2 guys that worked for our customer. They were horrible to work with and made lots of personal attacks.

[Beth in OH]

I think it's entirely possible that nothing you would have said would have changed this outcome; however, if you would like to have some tools other than to gracefully ignore, check out these books: Crucial Conversations and Crucial Confrontations.. These books teach you how to decide when confrontation is the best approach and then give you skills for how to handle the conversation. Even if the outcome isn't positive, you are at least not left with the feeling of everything having been beyond your control.

[mumto2]

:grouphug: I don't understand why women are so mean to each other!!!

[J-rap]

Maybe what happened -- as embarrassing as it was for you -- is exactly what needed to have happened. Maybe it was just the thing to break the ice, get everything out in the open, and deal with it. These women can see how it makes you feel, and the leader can see that there is a problem. I hope things are resolved now.

 

Something similar happened to me recently. I was in a high stakes meeting regarding a personal matter. It was all men -- attorneys, CEOs, etc. It wasn't going well at all. People started arguing and the whole thing was at the point of falling apart. I was so stunned and upset that I burst out crying. I was terribly embarrassed. It wasn't the image at all that I had wanted to project.

 

It stopped everyone from arguing dead in their tracks. They all felt so terrible about where the meeting was going and how they were dealing with it, that they stopped arguing. They shook hands with each other and continued the meeting and it went smoothly after that.

 

So, you never know. :)

[hillfarm]

First of all, buck up and put on your big girl panties. The other women might have a Jr. High mental fixation but that doesn't mean you have to go back there mentally as well. You are an intelligent, rational adult who has ultimate control of what you chose to do and how you are willing to feel. They can not "do" this to you. You chose to allow yourself to feel hurt/upset/offended by them or you chose to not permit that to happen.

 

I'm afraid my attitude would have been something along the lines of, "Look, ladies, I am here because my children can gain important benefits through this program. I was asked to help and I agreed to do so. If that is a problem for you, take it up with the leaders. Otherwise, take this pettiness down to the local junior high where it belongs because I refuse to tolerate it."

 

Regarding the crying thing, I once told a rotten boss that he should not interpret my tears as fear or weakness. I told him that I was crying because I was so angry that I was about ready to rip his head off and that the tears were the only legal way I had at that moment for releasing my anger toward him. He scurried out of the building before I came up with anything more effective:D.

Edited May 25, 2012 by hillfarm

[ondreeuh]

I've determined that there is no way to successfully call someone out on being nasty - you just can't do it without becoming the bad guy and having the nasty person become the victim. I've learned this the hard way too. Dh works with two women who can be really impossible to deal with. He is the most even-tempered person I've ever met and they drive him nuts. He just goes along with their crazy to keep the peace but it wears on me. After a LONG week with lots of disrespect and accusations, I got to the point I confronted one of the women and it went horribly. I now keep my mouth shut and count down the days until we move away (19 days!).

[LibraryLover]

I'm still sufferring from a degree of PTSD from a couple of dramatic episodes that were completely not under my control. So I've been on the down-low for almost a decade. Sometimes things just happen, and there is no way to avoid it, as you did not create it, but were dragged into it, and unknowingly. Even if you're not a drama-seeker (and I am not in any way), drama-seekers may just find you.

Edited May 25, 2012 by LibraryLover