Discipline/Parenting adventure - are you with me?

[Kathleen in VA]

OK, I just had a weird idea. My dd9 just came in from the front yard with a "bouquet" of clover. I am allergic to clover. She came in with a bouquet of clover yesterday and I immediately ordered her to take it right back outside where she got it as mommy is allergic. She looked dejected :sad:. I then thought that perhaps her sister, dd15 could put them in a vase and set them up, up and away on top of our china cabinet or something where they wouldn't be near my nose. Dd9 just took them outside.

 

Well, today she looked so cute with her little bouquet and I felt bad about yesterday so when she came in the door I just said, "Come over here and give me a great big hug right this minute." She hugged me and then I sent her to the kitchen to find a vase.

 

The weird idea is this. Every time for, say, the next week, when my kids do something that rubs me the wrong way, I am going to say that same thing, "Come over here and give me a great big hug right this minute." I just want to see what happens.

 

Are you with me on this one?

[Brindee]

I've been doing something sort of like that. I've been concerned that I'm whining at my ds14 too much (he'd be labeled ADHD if he were at school. Sometimes he repeats a lot or goes overboard in his actions and it can get annoying or tiresome). If I catch myself starting that, I'll say, instead (and smile), "(His Name), did you know I love you?" He smiles and says yes. It alleviates the building tension. One time he answered (he was happy, NOT saying it rudely at all), "Yep, you tell me that a lot!" I smiled, knowing why I'd said it so much lately! It's better for him to remember me telling him I love you, as opposed to my grouching at him!

 

I agree, it's a great idea! I can verify that it works! I'll keep it up while you say yours, and we'll have much happier 'campers" and we'll feel happier as well!

[Gretchen in NJ]

What a wonderful idea. I'm in.

 

I did something like that five minutes ago. I caught my dds on the pool deck. I big NO NO in our family when there is no adult in the back yard. I very sweetly said, "Hey sweeties! Is your father in the back yard?" They said, "No." Me said ever so sweetly, "Remember your not allowed on the pool deck........etc.....etc...."

 

They very quickly and pleasantly got off the pool deck.

[Snickerdoodle]

OK, I'm in. We've had a bad couple of days and I'm looking to turn it around. :grouphug:

[klmama]

I had to laugh about the clover! I used to do that to my mom with dandelions. Every. single. year. until I was in my teens! I was always delighted to find them and to share them with her, and she handled it very sweetly, as you are trying to do. She would thank me, tell me they were beautiful, beam at me, and then only at that point ask me sweetly to please put them outside because they would make her sneeze if they stayed. I forgot about her allergies from year to year, but I always knew she loved me, even though she didn't say it much. She didn't need to - she showed me!

[Margo out of lurking]

Okay, I'm in too. My 9yods has not been his usual wonderful self for the past few weeks. I'm tired of battling it out with him. The hardest part will be remembering to do this!! Thanks for the challenge, Kathleen!

[Mom2boys]

I'm in too. My ds11 has really been trying my patience lately, and I need to improve how I respond to him.

[Margo out of lurking]

Hah!

 

I just caught myself saying BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH at my ds--I stopped mid-rant and said, "Hey, what I really want you to do right now is come over and give me a great big hug!"

 

His eyes got wide, he broke into a big grin, came right over and gave me a giant hug!

[Kathleen in VA]

Hah!

 

I just caught myself saying BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH at my ds--I stopped mid-rant and said, "Hey, what I really want you to do right now is come over and give me a great big hug!"

 

His eyes got wide, he broke into a big grin, came right over and gave me a giant hug!

 

This made me cry - I'm having the same reaction from my children. I'm so glad the Lord gave me this idea.

 

I just got home from evening service and am so thrilled to see you are all encouraged. I will be praying for all of us. I'm very excited about this - I'm already seeing a tiny transformation.

[gandpsmommy]

I know that sometimes when I feel the most like lecturing/criticizing/getting really upset, what my dc really need is a hug. It's hard to step back from the situation and do that, but I'm going to try.

[newlifemom]

Okay, I'll give it a shot, but you all have to love me anyway if I forget. Well at least my kids.:D

[TN Mama]

I needed to read this thread. I'm in. Thank you :)

[mamato4]

for posting this! I feel that all I do is point out my dc's many, many areas of needed correction and never give them any positive words. I will try to do this tomorrow.

 

God Bless,

Anna

[shalom22]

Thank you, I am grateful for this little reminder. My son talks my ears off and I get a little annoyed. I need this suggestion written on my forehead.

[manylilblessings]

It's funny you started this thread. About a month ago, I realized that I asked my kids questions (to do something) in a way that didn't give them a choice to say yes or no. For example, "Please go feed the dog." instead of "Would you please go feed the dog?" Simple difference... and in reality, they're supposed to not say no, so I just wasn't giving them a choice. But, I found that they had an attitude about doing it because I was being bossy.

 

So, I switched, and figured if they told me no, I'd deal with that issue separately. I've found that 90% of the time, they say, "Sure Mom". Huge shock... they needed me to treat them with respect, not with authority. Having 5 kids, this should be simple and old hat, but I think I just got lazy.

 

So, now that is working well. This morning, my daughter (who pretty much owns the other 10% of the time!) gave me grief about something and I raised my voice to her. She told me, "Mom, you're yelling." I continued on. After a few minutes, I called her back to me (and she came... hooray!) and said, I'd like to give you a hug. She smiled and hugged me. I thanked her for holding me accountable, because despite what she does, I need to behave too. She beamed... and hugged me again.

 

Doesn't take a genius to understand that you catch more flies with honey... I must be a rock lately.

 

I'm in! Hugs all around, even when they're exasperating me.

[Gretchen in NJ]

I have been trying this with success and failure. Today, I am really sticking to it. I j*st heard my girls talking about it. "What is up with mom?" "She's being a little weird." etc... etc... etc... They think I am up to something and they want to know what it is.:lol::lol::lol:

 

I have to say that it is having an effect on them. They are being nicer to each other.

[wagnfun]

The weird idea is this. Every time for, say, the next week, when my kids do something that rubs me the wrong way, I am going to say that same thing, "Come over here and give me a great big hug right this minute." I just want to see what happens.

 

Are you with me on this one?

 

 

ok ok ok I'm in even though my 17 thinks shes smarter, & wiser then me and my boys are annoying and my 5 yr dd is a whinner this week.... (wink, ment with a tint of a joke... :glare:) but yes, agreed.

 

hugs instead of slugs got it.

[Once]

I'm in. I have the next week to get ready for 4-H. It is perfect timing because I am sure I will be *stressed*.

 

I am sure this will work with my kids as I have tried something similar to it before. It is endearing how they forgive so easily when momma starts on a nag.

[Gretchen in NJ]

What a wonderful idea. I'm in.

 

I did something like that five minutes ago. I caught my dds on the pool deck. I big NO NO in our family when there is no adult in the back yard. I very sweetly said, "Hey sweeties! Is your father in the back yard?" They said, "No." Me said ever so sweetly, "Remember your not allowed on the pool deck........etc.....etc...."

 

They very quickly and pleasantly got off the pool deck.

 

 

BTW, I know "Me said" is not correct grammar. It just sounded cuter.:lol:

[Amy in NH]

I just want to mention that I have used this method in the past, and it was worked wonderfully!

Especially with my hard to reach/rebellious middle son with whom I butt heads.

[Spy Car]

I like this idea...I'm in :001_smile:

 

Bill

[Gretchen in NJ]

I just want to mention that I have used this method in the past, and it was worked wonderfully!

Especially with my hard to reach/rebellious middle son with whom I butt heads.

 

Thank you Amy. I needed to hear that. I would share the love, but right now, I am repless.:001_huh: (aka: I have no more rep to give out.) I'll try and remember to do it later.

 

Thank you.

[Kathleen in VA]

Success and failure for me today. I started out ok but my dd9 was being uncooperative with dd15 at the grocery store - dd9 began to shuck the corn before she put it in the bag - dd15 was trying to show her how to just pull some husk down and check for freshness. Dd9 threw a fit and would not listen to Dd15. I wasn't pleased. (I was picking out strawberries). I should have hugged her but I didn't. I got annoyed and gave her a mini-lecture on being sweet to her sister who does millions of things for her every day. Fortunately we were at the store or the lecture would not have been so mini.

 

Other than that, I've managed to remember.

 

This is hard. I am going to have to redouble my efforts. Let's remember to pray for each other. This certainly does NOT come naturally for me.

[Gretchen in NJ]

Success and failure for me today. I started out ok but my dd9 was being uncooperative with dd15 at the grocery store - dd9 began to shuck the corn before she put it in the bag - dd15 was trying to show her how to just pull some husk down and check for freshness. Dd9 threw a fit and would not listen to Dd15. I wasn't pleased. (I was picking out strawberries). I should have hugged her but I didn't. I got annoyed and gave her a mini-lecture on being sweet to her sister who does millions of things for her every day. Fortunately we were at the store or the lecture would not have been so mini.

 

Other than that, I've managed to remember.

 

This is hard. I am going to have to redouble my efforts. Let's remember to pray for each other. This certainly does NOT come naturally for me.

:iagree:. It is really hard.

[wagnfun]

The weird idea is this. Every time for, say, the next week, when my kids do something that rubs me the wrong way, I am going to say that same thing, "Come over here and give me a great big hug right this minute." I just want to see what happens.

 

Are you with me on this one?

 

BEFORE I read this original post and said I'd join, 17 yr dd and I got into it a bit. I just texted her to tell her I loved her and she asked.. ok what did I do???

 

haha silly girl!

[Gretchen in NJ]

BEFORE I read this original post and said I'd join, 17 yr dd and I got into it a bit. I just texted her to tell her I loved her and she asked.. ok what did I do???

 

haha silly girl!

 

 

I know is it fun. My girls are going completely batty! Dd8 is now keeping count.:lol:

[Kathleen in VA]

I know is it fun. My girls are going completely batty! Dd8 is now keeping count.:lol:

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[Brindee]

Here's the kicker. When I started doing this with my kids (it was mostly for one, but I did it with all), the one I was most trying to reach (ds now 14) one day came in the kitchen where I was after he had fussed some about doing math that day. I was getting ready to ask him why he was up, shouldn't he be in doing his math? But he siad, "Mom, I just want you to know I love you!" Then he grinned and turned and went back to his math. I could've cried!

 

So that'll be when you know it's getting through---when they actually start doing it back to you! :D

 

Best wishes and may God bless our efforts!

[Stacia]

Ohhh, I love this idea. Thanks for posting it!

 

I'm in! :001_smile:

[Night Elf]

I'm so glad you discovered this little secret of enjoying your children. This type of response to your children is very big in the unschooling community. It's part of respecting our children.

[Night Elf]

Simple difference... and in reality, they're supposed to not say no, so I just wasn't giving them a choice. But, I found that they had an attitude about doing it because I was being bossy.

 

In our family, every request always has the choice of saying no. I believe that is why my kids are so helpful, because they know their help is valuable, friendly, and kind, yet they do not feel guilt if they choose to say no. It's a rare occasion when my kids say no to something I ask them to do.

[Gretchen in NJ]

Just checking in for my daily report. The morning went well, but the afternoon..................Ugh!

 

Dd8 :glare: at me when I told her, "I love you." It j*st set me off ($&%#*^@@??@@^&^*@) I lost it. I am very said to say.

 

Dinner is ready. More later.:svengo:

[Kathleen in VA]

My dd9 did the same thing :glare: to me - I had the composure to ignore her and just give her a hug anyway. They she climbed on my lap and we watched some videos at Answers in Genesis together. Whew! That was close.

 

Not so good last night. My Ds21 is the dearest person you'd ever want to meet, but he drives me nuts sometimes. He has started to work towards a college degree (which dh desperately wants him to get since dh did not get one and has always regretted it) but ds keeps losing his focus. He is interested in history, politics, theology and all of those as they relate to each other. He talks and talks and talks about them all and he has wonderful ideas - but, we are getting a little weary since he has only 15 credit hours towards his degree.

 

Well, last night he came to me and said he wanted to make a documentary about the history of revivals (The Great Awakening, The Welsh Revival, etc...) We do not have the money for such a project, but ds is a visionary and never thinks about that. He figures he'll find some way (although he has no well thought out plan.) At first I did not say anything, but I after a few hours I felt like I needed to discuss him maintaining his focus on getting his degree and I kinda lost it. (maybe a bit more than kinda:))

 

I felt AWFUL later - because as I said, ds is the dearest person you'd ever want to meet. I apologized profusely and he said he forgave me (which he probably did), but I felt like dirt. I hugged him but it was too late. I know we will just go on and forget it - but it still bugs me greatly that I can't get through one ding-dong day without blowing it and hurting my children's feelings.

 

Keep Praying!!!!

[LisaNY]

What an awesome idea! Thank you for sharing that! It is truly a blessing.

 

I'm in! :D

[Kathleen in VA]

So, how's everyone doing?? Are we hugging?:) Are there any more tales of transformation out there? I'd love to hear how you are all coming along.

[Gretchen in NJ]

Kathleen,

Our evening went much better. My dds are in Ballet camp this week. Dd8 is so very tired when it is over. I just need to let her rest.

 

We had a family meeting at church today. They were so good that I had to keep checking to see if they were my girls. I was (and am) so very proud of the behavior!

[Brindee]

Dd8 :glare: at me when I told her, "I love you." It j*st set me off ($&%#*^@@??@@^&^*@) I lost it. I am very said to say.

Huh! Guess you're human! :001_smile:

 

That's probably exactly what your dd wanted! She wanted to see how you'd react. I'm sure she was satisfied! ;)

 

In fact that could be a good reminder--It's not going to work perfectly every time! But OVER TIME it will reap it's benefits! Honestly. You'll make mistakes, but if you apologize, and stick with the Hug and/or I love you plan, your kids will get it. They will. And they'll remember it. And they'll be likely to use it with others, and eventually with their own kids! They may not tell you right away or every time, but they like it! They like to know that you love them, even if they did something they know you didn't appreciate!

 

Next time you say I love you and she :glare: at you, wink at her and smile, then move on! Try not to let it affect you. Not only will it help your relationship with your child, but it will help her relationships with others!

 

It's okay that this happened! Just pick yourself up, wipe yourself off, and start all over again! :001_smile: (and pray! :D)

[Gretchen in NJ]

Thank you Brindee (happy tears:001_smile:)

 

 

That was so very sweet of you. I would have repped you, but I need to spread it around. I'll owe you one.

[Kathleen in VA]

Kathleen,

Our evening went much better. My dds are in Ballet camp this week. Dd8 is so very tired when it is over. I just need to let her rest.

 

We had a family meeting at church today. They were so good that I had to keep checking to see if they were my girls. I was (and am) so very proud of the behavior!

 

Yea!! This is exciting news. I haven't *needed* to give any hugs today - kinda weird. We'll see how the rest of the day goes. It was easier today because we had to run several places - piano lessons, Walmart, post office - and when we got home I told them to go jump in the pool. Don't usually get any grief when I say that;).

[Spy Car]

My experiment is going beautifully!

 

Already turned-around several situations in a very positive fashion.

 

But I have gotten some funny looks from Mrs Spy Car (who I've left in the dark) which lead me to believe she suspects me of taking "happy pills". :lol:

 

I'm staying the course!

 

Bill

[Gretchen in NJ]

In a short time, I can say that I have definitely seen somm positive change.

 

It is just strange how it is working, since I have always told them I loved them.

[Brindee]

My experiment is going beautifully!

 

Already turned-around several situations in a very positive fashion.

 

But I have gotten some funny looks from Mrs Spy Car (who I've left in the dark) which lead me to believe she suspects me of taking "happy pills". :lol:

 

I'm staying the course!

 

Bill

This is awesome! Are you going to bring Mrs. Spy Car in on this at some point? She might want to try it as well!

[Spy Car]

This is awesome! Are you going to bring Mrs. Spy Car in on this at some point? She might want to try it as well!

 

At some point? Most likely. But for now, I think I'll try leading by example first. In any case, my wife is a very loving and gentle mother. Our son does not lack for hugs and affection. But who (me included) doesn't get tired and impatient sometimes?

 

It's those times I'm consciously working on...to see if I can find a better way. So far, very positive results!

 

Bill

[Gretchen in NJ]

At some point? Most likely. But for now, I think I'll try leading by example first. In any case, my wife is a very loving and gentle mother. Our son does not lack for hugs and affection. But who (me included) doesn't get tired and impatient sometimes?

 

It's those times I'm consciously working on...to see if I can find a better way. So far, very positive results!

 

Bill

:iagree: It is when they make a mistake is when they need the hug (I Love You) the most.

[Spy Car]

For sake of small example. My wife and son arrived home late last evening after a busy day out shopping and running errands. My son had fallen asleep in the car, and when he woke up (after I'd carried him inside) he woke up cranky.

 

Well he evidently wanted to see the two videos my wife and purchased for him. Problem was, as my wife explained, she had only purchased ONE. Tantrum!

 

Very unbecoming (and thankfully atypical) behavior. I'm sure you know what I mean...full on brat mode melt-down.

 

I could see my wife was fried and might just lose it herself, so I gave her the "I'll handle it" look. But now instead of a stern-ish scolding being directed at my son I said:

 

"Hey William, do you want to show Daddy the video Mommy got you?

 

[He brings it over and crawls in my lap]

 

"Wow that looks really cool, wasn't that nice of Mommy to get that for you?" [He smiles and nods appreciatively]

 

A few moments later he gets up, goes in the other room and I hear him say "thank you Mommy for getting me the video, I'm sorry for yelling". Then he gives her a hug. Perfect!

 

Hugs all around!!!

 

Bill

[Gretchen in NJ]

That is what is starting to happen here as well.

 

Best wishes.

[Kathleen in VA]

For sake of small example. My wife and son arrived home late last evening after a busy day out shopping and running errands. My son had fallen asleep in the car, and when he woke up (after I'd carried him inside) he woke up cranky.

 

Well he evidently wanted to see the two videos my wife and purchased for him. Problem was, as my wife explained, she had only purchased ONE. Tantrum!

 

Very unbecoming (and thankfully atypical) behavior. I'm sure you know what I mean...full on brat mode melt-down.

 

I could see my wife was fried and might just lose it herself, so I gave her the "I'll handle it" look. But now instead of a stern-ish scolding being directed at my son I said:

 

"Hey William, do you want to show Daddy the video Mommy got you?

 

[He brings it over and crawls in my lap]

 

"Wow that looks really cool, wasn't that nice of Mommy to get that for you?" [He smiles and nods appreciatively]

 

A few moments later he gets up, goes in the other room and I hear him say "thank you Mommy for getting me the video, I'm sorry for yelling". Then he gives her a hug. Perfect!

 

Hugs all around!!!

 

Bill

 

What an awesome story! It is so encouraging to me to see how you handled a specific situation and how you turned it all around just by being so kind and caring. I feel tears forming in my eyes as I type. Thanks for sharing this.

[woolybear]

Oh, this is an awesome idea! And it's got to be better than my "lectures" etc. Today older ds hurt younger ds. I was SO mad and frustrated. ANd then the rest of the day was hard with him (also tired and maybe getting sick) but I wonder how it would 've been if after that incident I had just said "Come on over and let me give you a hug". I think in his heart he probably feels bad when something like that happens (though he really doesn't show it.)

 

Okay, I'm in too. I'm going to try. This will be hard to remember for a while, so maybe I'll put a reminder on the fridge. Thanks.

[3lilreds in NC]

I've been away for a few days, and I can't think of a better way to start my return home! I will try VERY HARD to remember I want to do this tomorrow. I know we could get on each other's nerves very easily so I will make a big effort to tell my girls how much I love them, particularly in the face of annoyance.

 

I so needed to read this! Thank you, Kathleen, for posting about this.

[Paz]

I love it! I remember when ds was 5 and drew with blue crayon all over my off white wallpaper. When I asked him why would he do that he said that he was trying to make the wall pretty for me. :lol: He always was a charmer but I bought it.