Those who have parents or IL living with them

[momofkhm]

I can't believe we are here already - thinking about this.

 

To have them move in, we'd need to both sell houses and buy a bigger house, one with a bedroom on the first floor. But then whose house is it?

 

I really need to talk with dh about this. How he thinks things would work. It would be his parents, not mine. I feel he would defer to them for a lot of things. He does so now. It's little things, but when they came down here, we'd go to places they wanted to go. When we were up there, we'd go to places they wanted to go. When was it my turn? Of course eating out is a moot pint b/c MIL basically doesn't leave the house now.

 

How does homeschooling work?

How does going out with friends work?

How does having people over work?

How do your teens, if it started when they were teens, like it?

 

In a perfect world, I'd build a house with an IL apartment so they would have their space and we'd have ours. But I don't see how that's going to happen with finances the way they are.

 

What else do I need to think about before this happens?

[Impish]

Honestly, I'd get to a marriage counsellor to help sort everything out.

 

Seriously.

 

There are so many issues when it comes to having parents move in/elder care, that it would probably help a LOT to have a neutral party involved to help navigate the situation.

 

There are so many things to consider...what happens if the kids are being kids, noisy and chaotic? Is that going to be difficult, if not impossible for the inlaws to tolerate? What about round the house stuff...cooking, cleaning, laundry? What about some semblance of privacy?

 

Lots to think about...truly, if you can, work it through with a counsellor.

[Denisemomof4]

I only had my mom move in, but she was incapable of doing anything for herself (including standing) so I had to care for her like an infant. At first I didn't want to have people over to see my young mother that way (she also had end stage dementia) but someone told me that I needed to continue to live my life. They were right. We used to have monthly gatherings at my house, and continuing to have them was good for ME. My mother actually enjoyed them, too. I could tell. My kids were all perfectly fine with mom here. It was a family decision to bring her here, and it was a family decision to put her on Hospice and care for her until the end here.

 

I'd imagine it would be easier for your dh and you to go out on dates with them there. As far as having people over, just tell your ils that you're doing so. Give them a heads up. Make sure your house set-up is one that will be good for your situation. Maybe one with the downstairs bedroom separated from the main living area so that entertaining may be easier.

 

I'd have a talk with your dh. Tell him that you'd like some say in where to go, what to do, etc. Let him know which times in the past your feelings were hurt or you were annoyed about things.

 

Who's house depends on what you all decide. If they have kids other than dh, do they plan to split their share of the house with them? These things need to be discussed and documented. VERY important.

 

I wish you the very best!!!

[jennsmile]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

What does your MIl suffer from? There is a great book Alzhemier and making your house set up for somebody with it.

 

We thankfully aren't there yet, but my BIL does have my MIL living at his house in her own apartment. The one thing that would have been awesome for her that she doesn't have is her own washer/dryer.

 

Of course MIL is barely on speaking terms with her DIL that she lives under the same roof with.

 

I think the big thing is that MIL refuses to go visit at their house and they would prefer she comes over as they are tired after working. If you end up with seperate apartments I would suggest you set up visiting rules. Like calling first or using the front door or something.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: Enjoy the adventure. I have heard of mobile homes set up for elderly parents. So they can be on your property but not in your house, then you wouldn't have to move.

[Impish]

Another thought...

It needs to be extensively discussed what will happen if either parent needs assistance w/activities of daily living. Dressing, bathing, mobility...if that situation arises, what then?

 

I've worked in home care, and have seen what stress it brings to not discuss these issues and then all of a sudden be scrambling to deal with them.

[lmrich]

I think you would be surprised what you can afford in this market. I have seen a company that advertises to convert a garage into a full in-law suite. That would give you all some privacy. My parents are planning on moving to my neighborhood; I imagine I will be over that alot in the next few years helping when I can. I am lucky that my 79 year old dad is in great shape. Good luck!!

[Lawana]

We have had MIL living with us for the past 9 years. What works really well is having completely separate living spaces. We have a split foyer floor plan, with us upstairs (kitchen, lr, dr, 3 bedrooms, 2 baths) and MIL down (her own living area, bedroom, bath, as well as the garage, laundry and dh's office). No way would it work for us to be in each other's space all the time. MIL is starting to need more help with personal things, but fortunately, dsd, her granddaughter is able to come over and do a lot of those things.

 

I would keep finances as separate as possible. A friend has her parents in an in-law apartment, for which the parents lent the money to remodel, and now pay rent for. It's working well. In our case, we let MIL pay the electric bill, and she buys her own food, prescription meds, and incidentals, but that is the extent of the mixing of the finances. I would absolutely keep ownership with one party, most likely yourselves, letting the other party help with expenses as necessary or desired.

[SunD]

Well, if it was my MIL and my DH, I would only allow it if she was totally immobile and could no longer speak. Seriously. She's a narcissistic control freak and he defers to her on everything. Even if DH paid for it, it would be HER house, I know that. She's had decades to train him and he can't undo it. :glare:

 

Anyway, if you must, I would try to find a way to set it up so that the ILs are separate and to not have their names or money anywhere in the house/mortgage. For example, you could buy a house with a studio apartment over the garage and "rent" it to them, covering part of the mortgage and utilities. Something with a small guest house, or a detached garage that could be sacrificed and remodeled into a little one-bedroom place would work too. Otherwise you might run into problems with other heirs wanting to sell your house, etc. (Not to mention, you do not want MIL to be able to say, "This is my house!" and be right.)

 

I would also get some sort of counseling. You never know, MIL might live to be 100! If that happens I wouldn't want to suffer being DH's #2 that long, and having the interloping #1 living right in my house. It would destroy my marriage.

[Jeannie in NJ]

I have a homeschooling friend of 12 years that for at least that long has had her dh's mother and grandmother living with them. They have attached to the back of the house a small 2 bedroom apt. that has its own front door. The mil and g. mother are very active , they only come to the big house when invited. It seems to work very well for them.

 

also my friend has 8 children plus her oldest dd has a baby and lives with them.

[Karen in CO]

My mother lives with us. The only way it works is with lots of communication and the fact that is MY house. Seriously. You do not want to feel like a guest in your own home. We go out to eat, and mom either comes with us or doesn't. We homeschool. We have people over. We are just an multi-generational household. My husband and I are the parent; my mom is the grandparent. My ds had and still has friends over when he's home. In the end, it is really good for all of us, but it took negotiation and clear understanding of boundaries.

 

I'd caution you to not make so many concessions that you feel resentment towards the people in your home and that your home doesn't feel like your home. You need to be flexible, but also understand that you can't setup a life for your family that you don't want to live in.

[jujsky]

We're not there yet, but DH and I have discussed this a lot. Honestly, I'd get a house with an IL apartment. I know you said finances won't allow it, but even if it's a smaller house than you'd like for yourself, the sanity having your own space will save you will be worth it.

 

As far as the legalities and/or day-to-day living stuff of it all (Who owns the house? Do they contribute any of their SS or retirement to the bills?) you'll need to have many long talks with them about their expectations and your expectations beforehand, and get it all in writing. For anything legal, don't be afraid to get a lawyer involved. If they legally own part of the house, but then get ill to the point you can no longer care for them and they need to go to an assisted living facility or a nursing home, you don't know how that will affect you. If they own part of the house, you might have to sell the house and fork over a chunk of the money to one of those facilities. Depending on how the market is at the time, you could potentially be left unable to afford to buy another home. Yes, you want to help your family, but you don't want to screw over yourself and your immediate family in the process.

 

Just food for thought. DH and I had a long talk about it this summer as his parents are nearing retirement age.

[Impish]

Anotther thing to discuss:

 

What happens if it's simply NOT working, and you/your kids/your dh are miserable? What's the resolution there?

 

One party having to 'suck it up' is a sure way to end up in divorce court.

[SweetMissMagnolia]

oh yeah-definately need to have a major sit down talk about it....before I came along hubby lived with his parents because they needed an "extra eye" to watch out for them (dad disabled but is in denial)---after his mom died and we got married it's still been tough sometimes-sometimes I feel he takes FIL side in everything and it's caused some major fights over the years....it's not easy--but we've worked it out....I guess you need to talk about expectations.... :grouphug: lost my train of thought---but yes definately need to talk about it before jumping into it and selling the houses....:iagree:

[momofkhm]

Thanks to all of you! If dh hadn't brought up the actual living with us thing, I wouldn't think it was imminent. I just know with all the bathrooms upstairs, there is no way to move them in here.

 

MIL is mainly immobile. She can move herself, but not even in and out of her wheelchair. And it's either the pain meds she is on or a reaction to to anesthesia she had this summer, she is just not herself. She'd make a good object lesson for "this is why you don't do drugs" she is so out of it a lot.

 

And I don't know if someone said it specifically, but what happens to FIL if she goes into nursing care? Or she dies? Or he dies?

 

Thanks Imp for the note about counseling. And everyone for getting things in writing. FIL mishears things. There was once he thought I said I'd look into something, even thanked me in advance for doing it. None of the 5 of us can figure out what I said to make him think that.

 

ok, now I need to go make Christmas cookies. On to more pleasant thoughts!

[HSMom2One]

I have not read the whole thread as of yet, but I will do that later and come back for more input. As a short answer after having my elderly, widowed mother living in our home for 8 years now, I HIGHLY recommend finding a larger home that has separate quarters for your loved ones if at all possible. This would be the best of both worlds, they have some space of their own where their preferences can dictate and yet they are close to you so you can care for them and watch over conveniently. Sharing the whole home is extremely challenging and could easily turn in to a disaster for many people. I must admit that my mom and I had a much closer relationship when we had separate residences than we do now. It hasn't been a total wreck, but if I could go back in time I would opt for the house with a MIL apartment instead of the larger home with extra bedroom and bath for her. We both would have been much happier. Just sharing a kitchen with my mother alone has been a great deal of grief for both of us.

 

More than anything, if you have them in a house combined with your family it should be agreed at the get-go who's house it is. It is very hard to do this, but if you don't you will regret it very much and feelings will be hurt more than they will with being honest, loving yet firm at the beginning and setting boundaries.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[Lara in Colo]

The previous owners of our house had a MIL appt in the basement.

We have a bi-level (which is a fairly inexpensive house).

 

So the downstairs and half the garage was for the MIL, which could be converted to wheelchair accessible and she was only a few steps away.

 

Honestly, until we started HSing, and converted the living room to a classroom and moved Dh and myself to the basement, we actually didn't use the downstairs at all. I could see a fairly smooth transition back to using the downstairs for a MIL.

[SebastianCat]

We are not there yet, but have discussed it as we see issues ahead with DH's parents as well in the next 5-15 years.

 

We have a friend at church who is a Certified Senior Advisor. I HIGHLY recommend you consult with someone like this. He gives counsel on finances, legal issues (although he is not an attorney, but he lets you know when you need an attorney and can refer you to one), and practical issues. He sat down with DH and his parents a while back and was very helpful.

 

There are some serious financial consequences when a parent needs full-time care, whether in a nursing home, assisted living facility, or in-home care, and the way your IL's finances are structured will make a big difference in YOUR financial burden. A professional can recommend how to make it best work for your specific situation.

 

One thing I haven't seen mentioned so far in this thread......If you purchase a bigger home, then your IL's pass away or need to move to a skilled facility, could you afford to keep the home if their finances no longer contribute to your home? If you had a separate IL apartment, could you rent it to a college student or single adult to help with expenses?

 

I would proceed with caution and with much counsel!