How do you encourage your boys to dream big when you are so fearful?

[A.J. at J.A.]

This was in response to another post about encouraging your children to explore their dreams. As a mom of young ones, I really need to know how to do this.

 

My guys are 7yo and 9yo and I feel like I'm always shooting down their ideas for adventure (like hanging from a 20ft tree by an unstable rope, etc.) Plus, we live in the 'burbs so it isn't like we've got land or anything. I think maybe I'm the downer, when I take them on hikes and stuff I'm so afraid they're going to hurt themselves when they play "off trail" or get poison ivy or whatever...how do I let go of that?

 

How do you encourage them to find their passions/dreams when the training for that doesn't seem apparent and you are not in anyway capable (perhaps even financially) of providing it?

 

I'm not trying to be a downer, I guess I'm just revealing some of my frustrations with myself. I certainly want my boys to learn to be more independent and not follow a cookie-cutter life, but am unsure how. And how to let go of my insecurities and fears. :confused:

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I struggle with the same thing with my ds10. I look forward to seeing what comes up in the responses.

[Desert Rat]

I'm not sure if I do anything specifically. I have 2 boys 8 and 5. The 5yo is particularly daring. I remember when they were much smaller being very hesitant about letting them explore. I feel that I've relaxed a bit.

Firstly, I'm lucky to have married a man who has 4 brothers. This puts things in perspective for me. He tells me if this is typical behavior between brothers (I only have one brother). I turn to him for guidance often because, well, I've never been a little boy.

I also let my boys take risks in a controlled environment. This may sound weird but honestly the only thing I worry about is head injuries. Broken bones I can deal with (I hope!). So helmets are a must on bikes, but go ahead and try the wheelie. KWIM?

I think it's important for my boys to learn their limits although I step in when things start getting a bit crazy. My 8yo is cautious by nature so that makes it easy for me right now. We'll see what the future holds for my little one!

I hope I've helped in answering your question. I, too, struggle with squashing dreams. Most of mine are that my 8yo wants to build X and I see no possible way to do it and I used to voice those opinions. I felt like a great big dream wrecker! Now, I encourage him to write it into an Inventions notebook and try it. I never know right?

Oh, and for things like hiking, I just send them with their dad. We live near lots of mountains and that's his type of thing. So, either I lucked out or chickened out, depending on your perspective. :tongue_smilie:

HTH

[elegantlion]

I'm married to a man who only with divine help lived through his teenage years. My son is not as big of a risk taker, praise God. However I use my dh to guage dangerous activities.

 

My dh is a lot more safety consious as an adult, so I don't worry when he's "doing guy things" with dad.

 

Together they have flipped a go-cart (thank goodness for rollcage), brought snakes in the house, climbed on the roof, started a brush fire, and felled trees.

[whisperam]

This is a challenge I beleive. I find myself thinking the some of the same things you do. However there ARE some good things to weary of" like poison ivy". Being a girl myself sometimes I forget boys will be boys!

[Remudamom]

I've got three boys, 20 and two 14s. They do stuff that would curl your hair. If it's okay with their dad, it's okay with me. The younger ones will leave on their horses, go off fishing, take hikes. The other day they called me out to watch them do flips over a boulder in the yard. When I saw how close their heads were getting to the rock I made them wear helmets.

 

They work on the ranch, therefore they drive pickups, tractors, four wheelers. They help me break horses. They work cattle with their dad and older brother. They've been kicked, smushed, knocked over, fallen, had gates slammed into them. They are tough little dudes.

 

There was a thread before about boys. I think homeschooling moms have to really guard against turning their boys into little.............sissies. I'm sorry if that term offends anyone, but I hate to see little fellas not allowed to be little fellas. They're boys. Boys. They belch, fart, whistle in the house, throw rocks, turn everything into a gun, track mud in the house, climb trees (fall out of trees) and torment their sisters. That's okay, although it is maddening at times. One of these days some cute little thing will bat her eyes at them and they'll remember everything I ever told them about manners.

 

Put a mattress under the tree and let them climb it. If they get poison ivy, put some of that pink stuff on it. If they bust a lip, take them in for stitches. If they track in the house, grab them by the ear and toss them out on their butts.

 

And then pray a LOT.

[Danestress]

Well, I think you have to teach them to have relatively safe adventure.

 

It's really not good for the trail or themselves to be off trail. That's a major no no in most places, even amongst pretty serious outdoors people. Destroying the wilderness area is not an acceptable use:)

 

I love hiking and camping and take my boys regularly. I do worry that someone will get injured, but I don't restrict them too much because of it. Once we are down in a hollow, I can almost never get cell phone reception, so we sometimes talk about what we would do in an emergency. They are getting too big for me to carry out. And they understand that when we are on a high place or at a waterfall, they really do have to listen and obey. I have taught them a fair amount of wilderness first aid (very little of which we have needed, but you never know).

 

I am *very* strict about things that can cause head injuries. I think people seldom appreciate the real danger of head injuries until it's too late. I don't allow a lot of tree climbing. Sorry. DH doesn't either. I have a friend whose brother fell off a waterfall and died when he was 16. I guess in a way I've never recovered from that and while the boys and I are working our way through seeing all the major falls in North Carolina, I'm on high alert mentally.

 

I really think that if you want to nurture your children's dreams to do exciting adventurous things outdoors, you just have to TAKE them outdoors. The trip doesn't have to be chaos. Go. And teach them things. Teach them how to paddle a canoe, how to fish and gut and cook what they catch. Teach them how to set up camp, make a fire, use a compass. If you do that, you can also teach them safety rules too, and they won't resent it so much. I really don't think these things are more dangerous than riding their bikes around the burbs, and I tend to think that it's bored children who are most likely to do crazy, dangerous things!

 

I have to admit, my boys are also violin players. Sometimes I find myself wanting to say "no, don't climb on that, stay off those rocks" because a broken wrist would mean no violin for months. But we've not had an accident like that so far, and I just try to be reasonable.

[RoughCollie]

The way I alleviated most of my safety concerns regarding the kids' activities was this mostly by teaching the kids and by supervising them. There have been a lot of times over the years when I have been scared to death the kids would get hurt. They have no idea because I keep that to myself.

 

First, we all learned first aid, from a book.

 

Second, I bought a book about dangerous situations and how to handle them. It was designed for kids. I read the situation, they told me what they would do, and then I told them what to do if they were wrong. It covered everything from what to do if someone rings the doorbell and your parents aren't home to not mixing water and electricity. Role-playing and frequent review are important.

 

I think the book was called Danger!: A children's book about handling fear, dangerous things, places, and situations, by Joy Wilt Berry. I found the title at Amazon and it is out of print.

 

Third, I have decided to teach the kids survival skills now that they are older. A lot of these skills can be taught to much younger children than mine and I wish I had started earlier with a formal approach. There are lots of books on this subject.

 

Fourth, there is no substitute for supervision. I would not let my kids hang from an unstable rope either. I might try to find a a safe alternative -- like a stable rope and tree -- but there's no guarantee I'd do that since it has not come up.

 

Fifth, learn to identify poisonous plants and teach your kids. If they get into a patch of poison ivy, it is not the end of the world, but if they know what the plant looks like and the treatment for poison ivy, they might be more careful. Otherwise, they'll be more careful after they get it, for sure.

 

Sixth, if a situation comes up that could be fraught with danger, I teach the kids how to handle it. For example, we go to the mountains in the summer. Every year we see bears. Some of them are very acclimated to people, which is dangerous. So I taught my kids what to do if they come face-to-face with a bear. It has come in handy several times.

 

Seventh, I think it is important that kids know how to swim well, for safety reasons.

 

Eighth, we have several safety rules that are set in stone. One of them is that each child has the responsibility to inform me immediately if s/he sees a sibling break a safety rule. The only reason I ever spanked one of my kids when they were younger was for breaking safety rules. The safety rules have been expanded over the years. They are easy to remember because I repeat them often enough.

 

Some examples of safety rules, all "no matter what" are: No diving into water without MY permission. Always wear a helmet when using anything that has wheels. The buddy system is in force. No usage of the stove, oven or power tools occurs without MY permission. No Facebook, MySpace, IM, etc. is permitted. No going anywhere with anyone without MY permission. If someone pulls a gun on you, run away in a zig-zag pattern. Etc., etc.

 

The Dangerous Book for Boys is a great book for spicing up the adventure-life of kids.

 

I'm sure others will have more to add. These are just some ways I handled the safety vs. kids' adventures situations that have transpired over the years.

 

RC

[tnmomofboys]

I have 2 ds ages 11 and 13. They are typical boys and I try to let them do "boy" things without putting too many restrictions on them, within reason of course. They build forts, bike ramps, dig holes that go nowhere, take old skateboards and make new dangerous riding "things". :auto: I take a deep breath :chillpill: and remind myself that they are future husbands and fathers and I want them to have the confidence to try things, fix things, and make things. At the same time, I want them to be cautious but not fearful. Yes, we have had stitches and broken bones, so, I always know where my car keys are and know several different routes to the ER. We haven't made a run to the ER in several years. Well, not counting the recent trip from a basketball game injury. :tongue_smilie:

[Pensguys]

There was a thread before about boys. I think homeschooling moms have to really guard against turning their boys into little.............sissies. I'm sorry if that term offends anyone, but I hate to see little fellas not allowed to be little fellas. They're boys. Boys. They belch, fart, whistle in the house, throw rocks, turn everything into a gun, track mud in the house, climb trees (fall out of trees) and torment their sisters. That's okay, although it is maddening at times. One of these days some cute little thing will bat her eyes at them and they'll remember everything I ever told them about manners.

 

Put a mattress under the tree and let them climb it. If they get poison ivy, put some of that pink stuff on it. If they bust a lip, take them in for stitches. If they track in the house, grab them by the ear and toss them out on their butts.

 

And then pray a LOT.

 

I TOTALLY agree. Maybe it is because I grew up in the country, but I don't see the big deal in letting boys be boys. Yeah, they slide down the rail on my stairs (and I have to tell them not to), they jump off the porch and I pray they don't break a foot or ankle. They take way more chances than I (or a girl) would, but they are boys. I don't worry that they will poke an eye out with a stick/gun. I just pray it won't happen. They get so dirty I can't stand it sometimes, but that is why I have a back door into the laundry room where they can strip there and not have to track in.

 

My dad was never allowed to get dirty when he played and had to be dressed up most of the time. My mom pleaded with me to let my boys be little boys. That is actually one piece of advice I'm listening to.

 

Remudamom, I'm SO glad to hear that those manners will come back at some point! LOL

[ereks mom]

...do something I thought might be dangerous. I tend to be very overprotective. Usually, he did the 'dangerous' things with dh -- when I wasn't around. They would go hunting or ATVing without me.

 

We have several acres, heavily wooded, with a 2-acre pond. ER enjoys hiking to the pond, and I would let him go down there alone after he was about 12 or so. I was fearful that he would fall in and drown, or that he would be bitten by a snake (LOTS of those around here!).

 

Whenever he wants to do something that makes me fearful, I just have to realize that God is in control. I pray for ER's safety and I do my best to trust God to protect him when I can't.

[Old Dominion Heather]

I try not to freak out unless I think whatever they are doing could kill them.

 

For example, my boys know that there is poison ivy in the backyard. I showed them what it looks like and now if they get in it, it is their own fault. I used to get it every summer. I grew up in the country and had nearly killed myself several times by the time I was ten. I tried to jump off a runaway horse one time and jumped straight into a fencepost. It knocked me out for a second.

 

We live in the city and my oldest in particular is much more cautious than I ever was. It makes me sad that they won't have to chances to explore and face "danger" in a more controlled environment... I'm much more worried about them disappearing than getting hurt. (But that is just my own issue there.)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have to laugh at this thread! My ds10 is cautious and very safe. My dd6 on the other hand - does flips in the air off the couch, has gone head-first down stairs more times than you can count, is covered in bruises and has had big goose-eggs from leaping before she looked, has to be reminded over and over to look when she crosses the street, rides her bike at break-neck speed down the highest hill around, climbs up on top of the refrigerator, went rock-climbing just 2 weeks ago using a rope, wanted to attach her scooter to the back of the car. . . all dressed in pink!

[Elaine]

This was in response to another post about encouraging your children to explore their dreams. As a mom of young ones, I really need to know how to do this.

 

My guys are 7yo and 9yo and I feel like I'm always shooting down their ideas for adventure (like hanging from a 20ft tree by an unstable rope, etc.) Plus, we live in the 'burbs so it isn't like we've got land or anything. I think maybe I'm the downer, when I take them on hikes and stuff I'm so afraid they're going to hurt themselves when they play "off trail" or get poison ivy or whatever...how do I let go of that?

 

How do you encourage them to find their passions/dreams when the training for that doesn't seem apparent and you are not in anyway capable (perhaps even financially) of providing it?

 

I'm not trying to be a downer, I guess I'm just revealing some of my frustrations with myself. I certainly want my boys to learn to be more independent and not follow a cookie-cutter life, but am unsure how. And how to let go of my insecurities and fears. :confused:

 

((Angela)) You're not a downer, you are a loving mom!:001_smile: I have turned a corner on this whole thing because I never want to be the reason that they don't do something, KWIM?

 

I wrote this for my son this past January. It kind of answers your question about letting them explore their dreams. Maybe it will encourage you a little.

 

:grouphug:

[Tracey in TX]

My rule of thumb is if the likelihood of serious injury is minimal (nothing is impossible, ie "dry drowning" from former post), let them do it. Encourage exploration!

I was nuts as a child and teen, but keep my fears for my children in check. It's tough. We want to be a mama bear, but that actually requires forcing them to go out on their own a bit to make wise choices.

DD was 11 months old and hanging from rings over a foam pit at gymnastics. If she isn't naturally afraid and it's safe, why should I be the one to instill fear? My kids went mountain hiking at 4y/o (what was I thinking?!), but they have a healthy respect for nature and its rules. Worst issue was a fall into a cactus bush. It hurt, but nothing that a pair of tweezers and neosporin couldn't fix.

 

Love them enough to lengthen their leash. Better to make small mistakes under your guidance than to not have experienced things they long and make foolish choices later. (My mom was neurotically protective, so I let it all hang out as soon as she wasn't around. Prefer to give guidance to help make safe experiences so my DCs avoid this pitfall.)

[JennifersLost]

This post speaks to me because with the exception of one of them I feel like I'm still braver and more apt to take chances than my 15 or 13 yo boys and that makes me sad.

 

I think this came about because they spent their formative years in California where you may never go off the trail, you have to feel guilty if you move a rock, and everyone's yards are the size of postage stamps. If I left a child in the car and went 10 feet away from it someone would have a fit and just about threaten to call CSS. The kids were never allowed to play in the street (God forbid) and certainly didn't hang out with other kids from the neighborhood. Each play date had to be arranged by parents in advance and then supervised at all times.

 

I'm exaggerating. But that's what it felt like and for all the whining I've done about moving to small town Canada - thank God. THANK GOD. Because my boys now have the chance to have a "normal" childhood.

 

They still don't - too many of their friends spend so much time online, and mine do, too. But we do have woods they can muck around in, they are allowed to bike ANYWHERE in town they want to go, and so on.

 

I can remember being a child in a tree and just knowing instinctively how high I could climb, which branches were safe, etc. I refuse to tell my kids to "come down". If something makes me uneasy, I don't watch.

 

My 6 year old dd learned to do flips on the trampoline the other day. I'm so proud of her. Yes, she could get hurt. Yes, I breathe a sigh of relief when the trampoline gets put away, but I want my kids to be brave and capable and I wish we lived on a working ranch so my kids had the kind of chances RemudaMom is talking about. My older boys have so much to learn about bravery and self-confidence.

[LibraryLover]

Interesting thread. My kids bike around our area, they go to the beach by themselves (see blog), they bike or walk a mile to a playground etc. A lot of people, my mother included, think that's crazy. But I know I am not crazy, and so I do not agree. lol I want them to feel competant and feel some of that freedom. I like that they know nooks and cranies of where we live.

 

They also play in the woods and go to our pond to catch frogs etc (my youngest is 9) without me. I want them to feel that freedom, to know they can handle themselves. I don't care if they climb trees. Ticks and poison ivy are issues, but that's the price one pays for playing in the woods. We check for ticks as best we can, we feel grateful we have health insurance, and would treat posion ivy. Yes, bad things could happen...and all parents worry about that. But we weigh the risks and step back when we can.

 

My oldest is away with college friends renting a beach cottage...I can't say that I love the idea of a child of mine not being under wwatchful eye, (he's 19), but he's not a child and I can't protect him that way any longer. I want him to have experiences with getting around on trains, planes and automobiles. :) I want him & his sibs to feel heady about having adventures. I honestly want my children to challenge themselves. To feel excitement about exploring the world. It starts in the backyard, in the neighborhood, imo.

 

It's not that it is easy. By nature, I am a terrible & vivid worrior. I've worked rather hard, imo lol, to let go and let my children have experiences that will enrich their lives for all of their lives.

[Chris in VA]

I'm so bad--I let dh handle the rough stuff, and I just stay in denial.