SeekingSimplicity Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 I have the book the 5 languages of love, and am trying to identify my and dh's languages. It's what my counselor assigned me this past week. I thought dh's would be acts of service because that's what he complains about the most, and there's certain things I do to make him feel special that he seems to like. I asked him to take the quiz, and he did a couple different times and came up with a couple different answers. He didn't feel like the questions were relevant to us, and that he couldn't get an accurate answer from the quiz. He declined to tell me what he thought it would be without the quiz because he was skeptical by then. I don't have a clue what mine is. I can tell you one that is definitely not it. The other 4, I don't feel that I get any of them now. If I did, they either would not make me feel more loved or they would be strange coming from dh. So I'm like dh at the moment, I don't feel like the book is relevant to us. Anyone have experience with this book? Did you find it helpful? Did you have trouble identifying yourself? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 We figured ours out by looking at what we did for one another. For example, my dh is always doing the dishes or little things for me, so we figured out since he was doing those things to please me (which they were nice of course), that was his love language. I was always hounding him to spend more time talking, we figured mine was quality time. Also, the other categories also applied but not as strongly as the two mentioned above. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I read that a long time ago and remember that I couldn't figure out what anybody in my life was. Not myself, not dh, not the kids, not my parents. But I was the opposite of you, I thought all the languages sounded good! Anyway, you're not alone! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie Smith Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Those types of quizzes can be so hard. I think if it's possible the conversations it generates are more important than the actual quiz. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheAutumnOak Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 We figured ours out by looking at what we did for one another. For example, my dh is always doing the dishes or little things for me, so we figured out since he was doing those things to please me (which they were nice of course), that was his love language. I was always hounding him to spend more time talking, we figured mine was quality time. Also, the other categories also applied but not as strongly as the two mentioned above. :iagree: Mine is "Words of Affirmation"...If DH says something sweet and thoughtful to me, it does more to make me feel loved than the rest of the things on the list...I tend to show my feelings for him by praising him verbally and telling him how wonderful I think he is...It doesn't excite him nearly as much as it would excite me :glare:...He is "Acts of Service"...If I keep the house clean and do all the things I find to be difficult, then he is happy ;) Maybe the key is to see what is difficult for you to give - that is what you DH's love language is! :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunD Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I know mine are acts of service and quality time. And I know someone else who clearly needs physical touch above all else. But DH's, no, I couldn't figure it out. The person I mentioned is the only one in my life that I can clearly identify without a doubt. I did find it helpful as far as identifying mine. I know my husband can't read my mind, so it gives me a starting point. If I get so down that I don't even know what I want from him anymore, I can ask him to do something that fits those categories and it's likely to cheer me up a bit. To complete your assignment I might consider what made you feel loved as a child. What did you most appreciate that your parents did, or what did you most wish they would do? How did you usually show love to them or others? How do you usually show love to your DC? That answer might still give you something to discuss, even if you think it would be strange or not helpful coming from your DH. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Maybe the key is to see what is difficult for you to give - that is what you DH's love language is! :tongue_smilie: :lol: Just proves that opposites attract;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
georgialee Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 There's a free assessment on the 5 love languages website ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunD Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Maybe the key is to see what is difficult for you to give - that is what you DH's love language is! :tongue_smilie: Okay, that triggered an AHA moment for me! That idea ties in with the book Getting the Love You Want, I believe by Harville Hendrix. It really resonated with me on a different level than the love languages did, but if I think of it that way, they definitely work together and the idea of love languages makes the Hendrix book more accessible. Maybe that would be another good book to read? Sorry to derail the thread! A huge lightbulb just went off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 (edited) I have the book the 5 languages of love, and am trying to identify my and dh's languages. It's what my counselor assigned me this past week. I thought dh's would be acts of service because that's what he complains about the most, and there's certain things I do to make him feel special that he seems to like. I asked him to take the quiz, and he did a couple different times and came up with a couple different answers. He didn't feel like the questions were relevant to us, and that he couldn't get an accurate answer from the quiz. He declined to tell me what he thought it would be without the quiz because he was skeptical by then. I don't have a clue what mine is. I can tell you one that is definitely not it. The other 4, I don't feel that I get any of them now. If I did, they either would not make me feel more loved or they would be strange coming from dh. So I'm like dh at the moment, I don't feel like the book is relevant to us. Anyone have experience with this book? Did you find it helpful? Did you have trouble identifying yourself? I think the bolded is the key issue. Think of it like this: Suppose you speak Chinese and your dh speaks Russian. You have a lot of trouble understanding each other and things often get lost in translation but you've found ways to work around it and you do the best you can and after a while you just get used to it. Then one day your dh comes home and says something to you in Chinese. Not only would it take you by surprise, it would sound really weird coming from him. Plus, it's just one phrase so it's not like he can actually speak Chinese and you are skeptical of his ability to actually learn to speak it fluently. That's how the love languages work. Suppose yours is quality time... meaning you wish your dh would spend more time with you, pay more attention to you, do things you like to do, etc. (in other words, you wish he could speak Chinese). But he never has because it is not his language (perhaps his is physical touch which is most common for men... they want more tEa or tEa-related activity)... in other words, he only knows how to speak Russian. So if he suddenly, out of the blue started wanting to spend quality time doing things with you, paying loads of attention to you, it would be as strange for you as him suddenly learning to speak Chinese out of nowhere and you would have trouble believing it and be skeptical that he could maintain it. It will take a while for spouses to be become "fluent" in a second language and for it to not seem "strange" to the other spouse. But if you keep at it, it becomes the NEW normal and it is worth it. If none of the five seem to describe you then just ask yourself, what could my dh do that would make me feel loved? And he asks himself the same. That is your love language. Also, love languages change over time. When I was younger mine was gifts. Now it is more acts of service. It is imporant to be in tune with what makes you feel loved AND what makes your spouse feel loved. Otherwise you spend your marriage frustrated because your dh can't speak Chinese. :tongue_smilie: :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Edited December 13, 2011 by Heather in NC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I want them all!!!! Yes, all five. All the time. Not that I'm unreasonable or selfish or anything. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SeekingSimplicity Posted December 13, 2011 Author Share Posted December 13, 2011 I want them all!!!! Yes, all five. All the time. Not that I'm unreasonable or selfish or anything. ;) :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Which one makes you (both of you) feel worst when it doesn't happen? It's a gift giving occasion and your spouse doesn't get one. Not because they are trying to punish you for something, (that would hurt anyone) but just because they didn't think of it or get around to it. There are Santas and sleighs all over town, and they still didn't remember to buy you a Christmas present. You have agreed to watch a movie in bed together once the kids have gone to bed and your spouse keeps fiddling with whatever they were doing. You politely ask if they are busy, they say no, you ask if they will be much longer, they say no, so you go to bed with your book and are half way through it before they show up. When your spouse leaves the lunch you made on the bench three mornings in a row, even though on the third morning, you actually put the lunch in his or her bag. If your spouse will go out of his or her way not to touch you, and instead of thinking they are being a little odd but are probably just feeling introverted, you feel like a leper. If, when hanging up the phone, your spouse says "goodbye" instead of "see you later, you sexy thing" and instead of assuming the boss walked past or s/he is having a busy day, you feel like a leper. You might have two or three dominant love languages instead of one, or it could be that your love language is the ones missing from the book; FOOD! :D Your love language is food if a good balsamic makes you just as happy as good chocolate, heheh. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Maybe I should read the book, but I don't get the point. I just took the assessment for wives and my highest score is acts of service. But those questions were focused on how he shows me love, not on how I show him love. I'm sure that my love language towards others is not acts of service. I love my DH but I don't go out of my way to do things specifically. I like giving gifts of all kinds and I like being encouraging. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Maybe I should read the book, but I don't get the point. I just took the assessment for wives and my highest score is acts of service. But those questions were focused on how he shows me love, not on how I show him love. I'm sure that my love language towards others is not acts of service. I love my DH but I don't go out of my way to do things specifically. I like giving gifts of all kinds and I like being encouraging. If acts of service is your highest score then that means when your dh does things for you it makes you feel like he cares. I also think gift giving and acts of service are closely tied. You like giving gifts and being encouraging but is that your dh's love language? Because if his is something else then you may think your are being loving by being encouraging but he doesn't feel loved because that isn't his love language. That's pretty much how the whole thing works. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Anna Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 (edited) Dh and I took this whole thing about 12 years ago, so my memory may be a bit off, but I found a couple of things interesting. For one, it was really plain to us what we were because of what language we would use when we were making up from an argument or "difficult discussion." We were near newly-weds at the time, and both the arguments and the making up tended to be a bit more extreme than now. When dh wants to bless me, he makes the bed, cooks lunch, or does dishes. That would be acts of service. Now, he's not nearly as free with words of affirmation (he grew up in a home with very few), but it's apparently his secondary language. Near that time I was trying to come up with a cheap anniversary gift and ended up making a small sign for our fridge entitled "Words that Make Me Think of You" and listing as many positive traits/adjectives as I could think of. We've moved . . . 14 times or so since then? And we still have it. I've suggested getting rid of it at least 3 times and he gets this hurt look on his face. It seems to mean an awful lot to him. Gifts usually mean just about nothing to him. They do to me and I've just gotten used to giving him a short list and time to shop when a gift-giving occasion comes around. And flowers? Well, if I ask him specifically, he'll bring some. For me, it's physical touch, hands-down. When I greet my girls, I find myself touching their hair, hugging them, tickling them, whatever. It's even easier to see it in myself now than it was back then. And my secondary language seems to be gift-giving, but only because it was trained into me. My mother shows love through gifts. I have this understanding that you're supposed to show love through gifts. But I often don't really feel blessed by gifts people give me. (Especially her. I'm still recovering from the travel urinals she sent in preparation for our Thanksgiving road trip. :001_huh:) So, my point is that someone may have a love language they don't practice all the time, and someone might practice a love language they don't necessarily receive well in. At least, from my experience. (That was a rambling reply. Hope it helps!) Mama Anna ETA: Dh just read this and pointed out that he does sometimes bring me flowers without being asked. He's right, too! (Sorry, Dh. Maybe I'd better find an act of service to do . . .) Edited December 13, 2011 by Mama Anna Dh told me to! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I had a difficult time with figuring it out also. I finally put the book aside and thought I would come back to it later - I didn't. I wonder if some people have a little of all/most of the languages and some people have one predominant language. I have finally figured out a few things, without going back to the book. I know that I like to cook and give that as gifts. I know that I like to touch - hug, pat but only for those very close to me - my mom, my DH, my DD. I know that I like hearing/see in writing - love language from my DH. Every time something strikes me as great (like a word or giving someone a hug), I think "ah ha I figured something out). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 One way to figure out your own is to imagine what could happen tomorrow that would make you the happiest. Would you go on a trip? Quality Time Shop for gifts? Gifts Talk on the phone to a friend who is very positive about you? Words of Affirmation. Also - don't discount physical touch even if you are having problems in the TeA department. Physical touch is a love language that can be spoken through hugs, back rubs, patting people on the back, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathmom Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I read the book a few years back and couldn't figure out mine or dh's either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 It actually helped us quite a bit. My husband realized that spending time with me was a good idea (though really I like all of them!), and I started making more effort to tell him how much I appreciate him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SeekingSimplicity Posted December 14, 2011 Author Share Posted December 14, 2011 After talking to the therapist, he thinks it's good that I recognized that dh likes to express his love in the form of gift giving, and that physical touch seems to be important to him. We determined that quality time is important to me, and he gave me some tools to hopefully express to dh that this is important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristyB in TN Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 We figured ours out by looking at what we did for one another. For example, my dh is always doing the dishes or little things for me, so we figured out since he was doing those things to please me (which they were nice of course), that was his love language. I was always hounding him to spend more time talking, we figured mine was quality time. Also, the other categories also applied but not as strongly as the two mentioned above. This was our approach, too. Changed our lives! I was always baffled by the fact that anyone got me gifts and didn't know how to respond, now I understand that this is THEIR love language! My husband is physical, I need someone to talk to me. It all seems so simple now... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 DH hasn't read the book, but I have. I don't have the slightest idea what his 'love language' is, but I know mine is Gifts. :) He doesn't really care for the whole idea. Most likely just because it seems like too much work for him to find out! ;) (total phlegmatic) :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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