LauraGB Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 This evening I find myself wondering this within my own family. When I was growing up, my parents, who made numerous mistakes of their own admission, were the top of the immediate family hierarchy. The children were naturally below them on the totem pole. We didn't have a ton of money; my parents struggled to support a smallish family of 4, and had the potential marital conflict that comes with a child with a disability. They made certain we had what we all needed in terms of material things. They made mistakes of their own along the way, for which they were accountable, and absorbed the guilt of any wrong doing, used it to prove a lesson to the children, bettered themselves as individuals, and brought that knowledge and wisdom into their older ages. All of those things proved they were real people with real feelings dealing with real struggles who loved every single member of their family no matter what. Even with the mistakes, in our household we had respect for authority, responsibility for our children, and love for each person was evident, regardless of how flawed the delivery, which resulted in responsibility and accountability (and the knowledge to know which comes first and weighs more). Do you feel your family has these qualities? Do you remember having these qualities within your own family? Why, if you feel your own family does not possess these qualities, do you think it is? Money? Lifestyle? Parenting? Something else? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 There is MUCH MUCH more respect in our my family now than there ever was in my family of origin. We respect our children. They respect us and each other. My mother has no idea what respect even is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spaceman Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Sounds enough like my family growing up. I'll say I *want* those things for the family I'm raising as well. I struggle with my oldest not quite "getting" that the parents are at the top of the totem pole. I take full responsibilty for this and am actively working towards changing that. I'd like to say it was our current culture that helped us get there (to our worst spot, I'd say we are headed in the right direction now). Really I just made mistakes being too empathic of my child's feelings (because that's what *I* needed more of as a kid), and not enough teaching of responsibility. We are actively working on this, though. I don't know where I'd stand on your poll. Do these mistakes fit your "mistakes along the way, but growing from them" attitude? I didn't vote. Interesting thread, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyK Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I guess I'm intrigued by this idea of mistakes and accountability. My parents were wonderful -- I think in some ways I'm doing a worse job, in some ways better. I haven't really compared it much. But to the extent they made mistakes (and to the extent I am now) I'm not sure those are the kind of mistakes that show up right away. If I had to pick 3 things about my childhood I would change, they might not even be things that my parents regret, or see as shortcomings. I guess I've sort of assumed the same thing is happening with my kids -- I'm doing my best, but the things I anguish the most about may not even be wrong or important to them when they're grown, and they'll probably have some totally different issue with us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 yeah--not sure if it's for the better or worse (guess it depends on the situation).....but things have sure changed! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I don't know about within society as a whole. In my life, my family is different - my parents divorced, for example - but it's not better or worse. We're just a different family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 So is your question about some concept of "American family" or about our own individual family experiences? It's unclear to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KristinaBreece Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I didn't grow up with the idea that there was an "American family dynamic" really. Every family I knew growing up had a different dynamic than the other families I knew. The same is true today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathmom Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 So is your question about some concept of "American family" or about our own individual family experiences? It's unclear to me. I agree- I am not sure what to answer on the poll. I would not say that what you describe was present in my family growing up, but it is present in my husband's and my family now - ie, our children and us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renee in NC Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 (edited) My family now and the way I rear *my* children cannot even begin to be compared to the family I grew up in. For starters, which family? My parents both had multiple marriages - they divorced when I was 2 and didn't marry/meet their current spouses until I was 14. In addition, they had serious issues overall - I have told both of them at one time or another that if they had done to/with my oldest what they did to me/with me, I would have had them arrested.:glare: However, I like to think that I learned better lessons from my father's extended family, who (mostly) had good family dynamics.;) My father did a much better job rearing my brother (9 years younger) than he did me. By the time he was 14, my father was no longer partying and was MUCH more conservative. ETA: I was answering in terms of my own family dynamics. As a whole, I was exposed to a RANGE of families and only a couple of them seemed to be that "ideal." Edited October 13, 2011 by Renee in FL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I think it's worse in some respects. For me, it's illustrated by TV...when I was a kid, there were 3 channels. EVERYONE watched I Love Lucy, Lassie, The Brady Bunch, Gunsmoke, Bonanza, and eventually, The Waltons. Those shows reinforced respect and love for those older and wiser than the teens or kids. Today's shows laugh at bumbling fathers. Kids smart off to any and all adults or simply live without the influence of parents at all. (Hey, I was a Buffy fan. How could her mom not know Buffy was out ALL night? :D) I think there's a general lack of paying attention to anyone older than 25. So much wisdom is available from older adults... My growing up family was similar to the OP. My own family is less...our marriage is terrific, but the sons are not successful adults--Yet. Maybe someday. And we were hands on, involved, caring, praying parents. If other people have children with the same attitudes as mine, our society is worse by far. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 So is your question about some concept of "American family" or about our own individual family experiences? It's unclear to me. Good question. I guess it's a question about both; my family was pretty dysfunctional, yet functional at the same time. And I know others' families are the same, yet different. What I'm wondering is how the way family of the 50's is different from the family of the 70's and the family of the 90's and the present families in terms of the "family" itself. Big fat question. I know. So, I guess it would be about our own individual family experiences, because at the end of the day, that's really all any of us "know". I shared mine, but they are not quite the same as what is going on in my own family presently - at least I don't recognize them as the same. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YLVD Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I didn't grow up with the idea that there was an "American family dynamic" really. Every family I knew growing up had a different dynamic than the other families I knew. The same is true today. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twoforjoy Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Every generation has been complaining about how the generation after them is the worst generation ever for about as long as there have been generations. That's not a game I'm willing to play. How have things changed since I was a kid? Parents are waaaaaaay more protective. I had a mom who would have, when I was growing up in the 80s and 90s, been considered really nervous and overprotective, and yet even the most laid-back parents I know today don't let their children have the freedom that I had. I do think that negative impacts all of us: adults get more frustrated with their kids, because their kids are always around, and kids never have a chance to be free from adult eyes. I'd say that, on a personal level, I probably have more of a friendly relationship with my son than I had with my parents. It's definitely not primarily a friendly relationship, but I feel like we are friendly with each other in a way I wasn't with my parents. A lot of that, I think, is just a function of spending so much time together because of homeschooling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 well of course family dynamics have changed. That's what things do, they change. I for one am very happy to NOT be living in the family of my youth. Yes, I am much more protective of my kids than my mom was of us, but I think that is a good thing. I am happy I was not compelled to marry an alcoholic abusive man because that is what one does when one gets pregnant and isn't married. I am glad that my kids are comfortable speaking up to authority rather than just putting their heads down and accepting things. I am very, very glad to be a woman now and not of my mother's generation. I am very, very glad to be married to a man of this time and not of his father's generation. So, yeah, things change or they die. Just imagine what our kids will say about their lives and families. Won't that be a trip. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I don't know. I don't feel my family is representative of the typical American family dynamic (thank goodness) so it's hard to get a feel for how or if it's changed. I think families are so diverse and different, both when I was a child and now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I have to say the dynamic changed during my childhood. At one point moms were home all over the country. They they all started going to work. I was one of the original latch-key kids. That one change, two working parents, did a lot of damage to the family. But the change was needed. I think it is good that women can decide how to spend their time. On the other hand I think we are still seeing the backlash of such an explosion of two working parent households. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
higginszoo Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 My family and my family of origin have pretty similar dynamics, I think. But I grew up in a situation out of step with the norm for my generation, and since I've kind of kept that out of touch thing going, I can't be sure, but I'm guessing that we're still not 'normal'. In spite of moving around a lot, I think that both situations have been pretty stable in that there's a routine, a solid two parent front where the kids can never get away with playing one against the other. In both situations, respect is both given to and expected of children. In both cases, the kids are expected to act as part of a team to take care of the household. Like I say, all I can really compare is my family of origin with my own family, and in most categories, the situations are similar. What's going on in the rest of the world, I'm not always sure of. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 This evening I find myself wondering this within my own family. When I was growing up, my parents, who made numerous mistakes of their own admission, were the top of the immediate family hierarchy. The children were naturally below them on the totem pole. We didn't have a ton of money; my parents struggled to support a smallish family of 4, and had the potential marital conflict that comes with a child with a disability. They made certain we had what we all needed in terms of material things. They made mistakes of their own along the way, for which they were accountable, and absorbed the guilt of any wrong doing, used it to prove a lesson to the children, bettered themselves as individuals, and brought that knowledge and wisdom into their older ages. All of those things proved they were real people with real feelings dealing with real struggles who loved every single member of their family no matter what. Even with the mistakes, in our household we had respect for authority, responsibility for our children, and love for each person was evident, regardless of how flawed the delivery, which resulted in responsibility and accountability (and the knowledge to know which comes first and weighs more). Do you feel your family has these qualities? Do you remember having these qualities within your own family? Why, if you feel your own family does not possess these qualities, do you think it is? Money? Lifestyle? Parenting? Something else? To the bolded: yes, it was like that when I was growing up, and yes, my family (me, dh and ds) is like that now. I think my family's definition of "authority" is different than my parents' definition, but the respect is there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 My parents had NO respect for us kids as people. My family operates with a lot of mutual respect. Actually, I'll have to dig out the stats, but the baby boomers were notoriously selfish as a generation, and generation X is incredibly family oriented. So in that respect it made me a better parent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I have to say the dynamic changed during my childhood. At one point moms were home all over the country. They they all started going to work. I was one of the original latch-key kids. That one change, two working parents, did a lot of damage to the family. But the change was needed. I think it is good that women can decide how to spend their time. On the other hand I think we are still seeing the backlash of such an explosion of two working parent households. :iagree: I remember in first grade being a latch key kid. Once (before I was given the key) I was left on the porch after school in the winter until way past dark. I actually almost had frostbite. I was also the first one in my class with a divorced mother, and then a stepfather (1-4th grade). By the time I graduated HS, not may people had parents that had stayed together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renee in NC Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Every generation has been complaining about how the generation after them is the worst generation ever for about as long as there have been generations. That's not a game I'm willing to play. How have things changed since I was a kid? Parents are waaaaaaay more protective. I had a mom who would have, when I was growing up in the 80s and 90s, been considered really nervous and overprotective, and yet even the most laid-back parents I know today don't let their children have the freedom that I had. I do think that negative impacts all of us: adults get more frustrated with their kids, because their kids are always around, and kids never have a chance to be free from adult eyes. Definitely agree with the bolded! Growing up, most kids in most neighborhoods spent their time playing without direct supervision. There was often some "boundary" of where we were allowed to go, but some of my best childhood memories were these impromptu gatherings. Even the junior high/high school kids hung out around the neighborhood - in one particular place, us younger kids would watch the older boys do tricks on their bikes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I asnwered the poll not based on my family but based on what I believe is the state of families. And I think that is a lot worse. Lots of children being raised by single moms who have successive children with different fathers and boyfriends popping in and out of their lives- I find this lifestyle incredibly destructive to children. I also see children being raised by grandparents- again more frequently than in the past. THat could be the best solution in a bad case but I don't think it is optimal at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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