IsabelC Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 (edited) Just a vent, really... Last year we met a lovely family who, we thought, were very like-minded and destined to become close friends. We had them here a few times, they invited us to their place a few times, we went to their kids' birthday parties and so on. Everything was going fine as far as I could tell. Then this year they pretty much just stopped contacting us. We hadn't seen them over Christmas and New Year, but that always happens with some friends if they have lots of family stuff on. We saw them after new year (their suggestion) for a picnic, and then... nothing. I phoned a few times. She always seemed happy to chat on the phone but when I asked did they want to do anything together she said no, she was too stressed and busy because of a project she was working on. I suggested she might like to let her kids come here for a day or halfday, but she said no. I waited, I phoned her once or twice more but they were always "busy". Every time there was a plausible excuse (they were sick, they had visitors from interstate that week), but put together it seemed to be adding up to them not being interested in seeing us anymore. I gave up and pretty much forgot about them. Fast forward a few months and I ran into this family in the shop. I was fine to just say hi, how are you and leave it at that, only the husband said we must get together and do something soon. OK, I said, we're pretty flexible, just give me a call when you have some free time. Of course they haven't phoned. Now obviously I'm a little bit sad and confused that they don't want to know us anymore and I haven't the slightest idea why, but I was coping with that fine, it's no biggie. However, after the supermarket conversation, the kids have remembered how much they used to enjoy playing with these kids and keep asking why we can't see them, and why don't I just phone them and organize something. I'm really annoyed, I mean if they don't like us anymore for some unknown reason, fair enough, but why did he start gushing on about wanting to see us? Do people just automatically say that to be nice? Should I try one more time to invite them over just in case, or have I tried enough already? I guess I should just try to explain to the kids that not everyone wants to spend time with us, and that maybe they were being polite rather than completely honest. Gah I hate social games. It's funny, though - the fact that I spent years and years at school and still can't judge situations confidently proves that school doesn't make one good at socializing :lol: Edited October 12, 2011 by Hotdrink Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KristinaBreece Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Maybe they really do WANT to hang out, but have trouble translating that into actually getting together. I have a very good friend like this. We've been friends for 15 years. We just... never see each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Osmosis Mom Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 We got dropped too and once we met the people they also suggested we should meet soon, she got my news and requested my number, but that was it. Rude, rude, rude. We were very close and then they just dumped us. The kids were as confused as us, but then they got over it before me actually! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 It seems from your post that it's possible the man was sincere and maybe they really HAD got too busy or just kind of let it slip their minds as so many things seem to do when time flies. If it were me, I think I would try one more time and then if they are still evasive, I would drop it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LG Gone Wild Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Maybe they DO really like you and mean all that they say about wanting to get together but you are just low on their priority list. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
charlestonmom03 Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 We were dropped in a similar sort of way a couple years ago, only the wife didn't seem to give the husband the message that she was dropping us. He would see my husband around and ask if we could come hang out at their cabin some weekend or come over for pizza, etc. My husband would always say that we'd love, and that his wife should give me a call. Of course she never has... It could be possible that the husband just thinks that you both really were too busy to get together for so many months, but it could be that they have dropped you and he just doesn't know it. In any case, I am sorry, I know it is painful to be dropped. Our kids were young enough that they just sort of got over it without any questions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I'd assume everything is as they say. (Busy, let things slip, DO want to see you again.) Give them another call. However, if you call and they hem and haw and don't pin down a date, you can say (without being melodramatic), "Ok then. The ball is in your court to set something up in the future. See you later!" and let it go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4ofus Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I could very well be a person like that. And I don't mean to be mean. I like being around other people & other couples, but sometimes (ok most of the time) it seems like so much is already going on in life, that something has to give...not any specific person, just that fun get-together-stuff in general. Life can get busy & for some of us, the get-together resembles another chore, although a nice one, still something to squeeze into an already tight day/week/month/whatever. I often can't imagine putting one.more.thing. on my calendar. For anything. It's my personality. I need lots of empty space. I may LOOK to you like I'm not doing anything, but believe me, I need my space the way other people need company. I'm the person who does NOT want to go to coffee, thank you, but no, doesn't necessarily have other plans either, & no, doesn't dislike you. I just don't want to right now. I may be busy, thinking. I know it's not very socially acceptable, but I come around in my own time. And it's usually a very very long time. My very best friends are women/couples who did NOT give up & basically insisted that we be friends. :) Funny how that worked out. All that to say, you may be getting the cold shoulder, or she may just feel like her plate is too full right now for any fun. Best wishes to you. **I just remembered a time in college when I was feeling overwhelmed with "being social" & all that it required. I recall thinking "I already have 3 friends , I think that is my limit." :) I did not take on any new friendships until an old one faded. And I am not kidding. I was friendly with others, but did not start any new "friendships". I just couldn't juggle them. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I could very well be a person like that. And I don't mean to be mean. I like being around other people & other couples, but sometimes (ok most of the time) it seems like so much is already going on in life, that something has to give...not any specific person, just that fun get-together-stuff in general. Life can get busy & for some of us, the get-together resembles another chore, although a nice one, still something to squeeze into an already tight day/week/month/whatever. I often can't imagine putting one.more.thing. on my calendar. For anything. It's my personality. I need lots of empty space. I may LOOK to you like I'm not doing anything, but believe me, I need my space the way other people need company. I'm the person who does NOT want to go to coffee, thank you, but no, doesn't necessarily have other plans either, & no, doesn't dislike you. I just don't want to right now. I may be busy, thinking. I know it's not very socially acceptable, but I come around in my own time. And it's usually a very very long time. My very best friends are women/couples who did NOT give up & basically insisted that we be friends. :) Funny how that worked out. All that to say, you may be getting the cold shoulder, or she may just feel like her plate is too full right now for any fun. Best wishes to you. **I just remembered a time in college when I was feeling overwhelmed with "being social" & all that it required. I recall thinking "I already have 3 friends , I think that is my limit." :) I did not take on any new friendships until an old one faded. And I am not kidding. I was friendly with others, but did not start any new "friendships". I just couldn't juggle them. :lol: I agree with this, except that I've become very social in the last decade. But I understand the above mindset. It's not personal. People are just too busy nowadays, and it's not that they don't care. It's just that they're stretched too thin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 It doesn't sound like it's about you, and unless you know of something you could have done that you need to apologize for or clear up, I would assume it's not about you. It could be they have had a lot going on or been overwhelmed by something you're not aware of, something they aren't able to share (health, family, money issues, etc.). I would take them at their word, not that you need to chase them down, but that now might not be the time for a close friendship. Leave the door open in case things work out again in the near future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 (edited) I am the other person sometimes. There are some families that I really enjoy, but just can't seem to get our schedules to coordinate. The might have Tuesdays off, and maybe I do too.....but that may be my only night that I am home from sports...and really don't want to go out again. Edited October 12, 2011 by Tap, tap, tap Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 (edited) I'm really annoyed, I mean if they don't like us anymore for some unknown reason, fair enough, but why did he start gushing on about wanting to see us? This may be a longshot, but is there a possibility that the husband really likes your family and would love to get together, but the wife doesn't? You'll probably never know what happened, and you should probably assume the friendship is over. I think the wife has dropped several hints, and it seems that you picked up on them until the husband seemed so glad to see you and got you wondering if perhaps you'd misinterpreted her intentions. Who knows, the husband may have made an offhand comment to his wife that you looked pretty one night, and she may have gotten upset about it. Maybe she thinks you're better/more capable/nicer/smarter than she is, and she is envious. Maybe your kids are smarter and cuter, or perhaps she secretly thinks they are holy terrors who will turn her precious kids into little Huns. :tongue_smilie: Or maybe she just met a new friend and is one of those people who can't be friends with more than one person at a time. I mean, sure, maybe they are just too busy, but if the husband acted excited about seeing you guys again, I can't help but wonder if the wife is the problem. Edited October 12, 2011 by Catwoman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tristangrace Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Hmm. Not enough evidence to conclude you've been dropped. That doesn't mean you're obligated to keep initiating, but I certainly wouldn't encourage you to suspect that they don't like you! I'm certainly at a point where if I want to schedule something "fun", it's got to get on the calendar two, three, or four weeks in advance (due in part to busyness and in part to deliberating trying not to schedule too much), and I've never been that good at initiating. There are maybe four families we've done stuff with in the past year that I really like and theoretically would love to hang out with again, but realistically it is not likely to happen. That said, if someone had initiated a few times without our getting together, I'd at least send an e-mail (I'm also phone-phobic) and let them know the situation (eg., we are struggling with balancing time, etc.). But if they are a bit more socially obtuse--or a bit more stressed--even that level of communication may be too much. In any case, I would NOT assume that you've been rejected . . . though you may determine the relationship isn't working well enough for you to spend energy on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyK Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I wanted to echo those who don't think you have necessarily been dropped. It is always hard to know when we don't know the people and their situation, but we could be a version of them. Luckily, I think/hope most of our friends understand, and many of them are even worse than we are. But between my husband's work travel schedule, both of our work committments (both pure work and weekend and evening events that are related), houseguests from out of town, traveling to see out of town relatives, doing things for and with aging parents, kids' weekend events like recitals, sports, birthday parties, etc. we almost never get together with other families or our couple friends, outside of special occasions like friends who throw a party for a certain event. Sadly, it has been ages since we called and met any of our couple friends for dinner out. But we still love them, and know they'd love to see us. Recently we ran into another couple on one of our rare date nights and we grabbed a table together and had a wonderful time. And we ended the evening by all saying we should plan another one, and we haven't. But no one is blowing anyone off. That said, I have been involved when friends or neighbors have dropped my kids, and that is super painful. So if that is what's going on, I'm sorry, and it is hard to handle with the kids' feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SeekingHim77 Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I'm not sure that you've definitely been dropped either. However, I do know that as kids get older, sometimes problems crop up between the children that the adults are completely unaware of. I have made many friends and just adored them but my kids didn't adore their kids so it became very hard to get together as a family. So, it may be about the kids and have nothing to do with you or your husband. Just for clarification, I'm not saying the other families had bad kids-just that as families grow, it's hard to find other families where the husbands, wives and kids all get along well enough to want to hang out on a regular basis. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margo out of lurking Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 However, after the supermarket conversation, the kids have remembered how much they used to enjoy playing with these kids and keep asking why we can't see them, and why don't I just phone them and organize something. . . . . Gah I hate social games. It's funny, though - the fact that I spent years and years at school and still can't judge situations confidently proves that school doesn't make one good at socializing :lol: "Kids, I've tried countless times. They always say we'll get together but whenever I try to set a date, they can't make it. I've even offered to just have the kids over, but that didn't work either. I can't keep calling them; they know we are interested, but at some point, we have to put the responsibility to get together on them. Isn't it frustrating?" The socialization thing has to do with them. YOU are fine. :001_smile: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 We were dropped in a similar sort of way a couple years ago, only the wife didn't seem to give the husband the message that she was dropping us. He would see my husband around and ask if we could come hang out at their cabin some weekend or come over for pizza, etc. My husband would always say that we'd love, and that his wife should give me a call. Of course she never has... It could be possible that the husband just thinks that you both really were too busy to get together for so many months, but it could be that they have dropped you and he just doesn't know it. In any case, I am sorry, I know it is painful to be dropped. Our kids were young enough that they just sort of got over it without any questions. This is what I was thinking too... It's the wife and the husband doesn't know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Just a vent, really... I literally tell my kid C'est la vie. Making it French covers a lot of sins. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paisley Hedgehog Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marylou Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 (edited) I think someone already nailed it when she said that the wife has been being polite rather than honest. Or perhaps the wife is being polite and honest and something else, like depressed? We don't know what goes on behind others' front doors. She could be overwhelmed with something extremely serious and heavy like depression or anxiety. That could be why the husband was happy to see you out in public. He probably wishes you were still there to be a friend for his wife, but for whatever reason the wife can't handle another thing (friendship) to do right now. Did you send a "thinking of you" card or bring a dessert yet? It's amazing how a small thing like that could open the door for someone to share her problem with you (if there is one). :grouphug: Edited October 12, 2011 by dmmosher Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 BTDT :grouphug: In our case it was obvious we were being dropped. I even wrote and mailed a letter asking if there was anything we had done we wanted to apologize, we wanted to understand the situation. It was a neighbor, she came over thanked me for the note, assured me everything was fine and the kids had just grown apart. LIED TO MY FACE! I don't like having my feelings hurt, but I prefer honesty over blatant lies. We found out the husband was mad at my dh for something they had agreed to do together, clearing out dead brush between the houses. It all fell apart in a nasty way. My son was really hurt. Thankfully we moved shortly afterward. It was hard not to pray that they end up with horrible people moving in next door. :glare: I do think these days it can be hard to tell. People are busier, some people are also feeling the budget tighten. We literally have cut back on all trips and most togethers because of finances, not everyone is aware of why. For kids sake I might try one more phone call, but do as addressed, leave the ball in their court. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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