Miss Peregrine Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 My step-dad very likely has late stage stomach cancer. :( He has lost a substantial amount of weight very rapidly. We are waiting on the results of the endo. The thing is, I just want to avoid this altogether. I have barely recovered from our friend/kids fife and drum director dying 5 months ago. I don't want to do this!! My mom will need support. I don't even know what to say to step-dad. One of my kids sent a get well card. i have done nothing. . . He is an alcoholic and my life was h.e.l.l. growing up with him. I walked on eggshells, hid in my room, was always on his bad side. He is the reason I got married, so I could get out of the house.:blushing: Over the years, time has lessened the hurt from my life and we are friendly now. There is a polite strain in our interactions, if that makes sense. He loves his grandkids, but never chooses to come to any of their activities, even "big" stuff. I think I am rambling now, but I just don't know how to get through this. I don't know what to do and I feel awful that I look forward to a stress being relieved. What kind of person says that? When my dad died 6 years go it was much like this scenario. Alcoholic, not much of a relationship except the stress. He didn't even bother to learn my kids names . :( When he died, I was distraught but a huge weight was lifted. I am awful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwickimom Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 :grouphug: No advice, I am just so sorry that you have had to deal with all that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KristinaBreece Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 You're not awful. When my stepdad is dying, I imagine I'll feel some of the same internal conflict. As much as he's apparently a good man NOW, he was not a good man when I was young, nor was he good to me. I understand the polite strain. :grouphug::grouphug: for you & your family! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 You are NOT awful. You see the real person at the core, and you see the ugliness that obscures that person. Jesus said the truth will make you free. It's okay to see the truth, to recognize it. It's okay to be relieved when unhappiness and discord are ended. One step in front of the other, leaning on God to walk with you in prayer. He holds you in his loving arms. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennsmile Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 My step-dad very likely has late stage stomach cancer. :( He has lost a substantial amount of weight very rapidly. We are waiting on the results of the endo. The thing is, I just want to avoid this altogether. I have barely recovered from our friend/kids fife and drum director dying 5 months ago. I don't want to do this!! My mom will need support. I don't even know what to say to step-dad. One of my kids sent a get well card. i have done nothing. . . He is an alcoholic and my life was h.e.l.l. growing up with him. I walked on eggshells, hid in my room, was always on his bad side. He is the reason I got married, so I could get out of the house.:blushing: Over the years, time has lessened the hurt from my life and we are friendly now. There is a polite strain in our interactions, if that makes sense. He loves his grandkids, but never chooses to come to any of their activities, even "big" stuff. I think I am rambling now, but I just don't know how to get through this. I don't know what to do and I feel awful that I look forward to a stress being relieved. What kind of person says that? When my dad died 6 years go it was much like this scenario. Alcoholic, not much of a relationship except the stress. He didn't even bother to learn my kids names . :( When he died, I was distraught but a huge weight was lifted. I am awful. You are NOT awful. You are human. I can imagine myself in your place, only it would be my stepmother. She made no secret of hating my two full biological sisters and I when we were growing up. We were raised by her and dad. We now have a 'polite' relationship, but I can see how, if she had a terminal illness, I would probably react much as you are. Most (if not all) of the stress and sadness I'd feel would be for my father, my aunts, my grandparents, etc. I'd feel bad for their loss, but it wouldn't be much of a 'loss' for me. And just like you, I feel bad for even saying that. Come to think of it, I'll be relieved when (or more likely, *if*) I hear my biological mother passed. She abandoned me and my sisters when I was young, never visited, etc. When I looked her up at the age of 17, she still lived ACROSS TOWN. She could have visited, sent cards, called. But she didn't. And even after looking her up on my own, she wouldn't keep contact. And right now, none of us girls know where she is, how to get ahold of her, etc. It's hard sometimes to bear the thought that my mother is out there somewhere, alive, living her life, wanting nothing to do with me. It would be easier for me if she was dead; that way, she wouldn't be absent from my life by *choice*, like she is now. Yeah, I have issues. :tongue_smilie: All of that to say, I understand. And it's ok for you to feel the way that you do. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehog Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I remember your previous situation. I'm sorry you have to deal with another death close to home. The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms." Deut. 33:27 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linguistmama Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 :grouphug: I think it's very normal to feel that way about someone who treated you like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddykate Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 My step-dad very likely has late stage stomach cancer. :( He has lost a substantial amount of weight very rapidly. We are waiting on the results of the endo. The thing is, I just want to avoid this altogether. I have barely recovered from our friend/kids fife and drum director dying 5 months ago. I don't want to do this!! My mom will need support. I don't even know what to say to step-dad. One of my kids sent a get well card. i have done nothing. . . He is an alcoholic and my life was h.e.l.l. growing up with him. I walked on eggshells, hid in my room, was always on his bad side. He is the reason I got married, so I could get out of the house.:blushing: Over the years, time has lessened the hurt from my life and we are friendly now. There is a polite strain in our interactions, if that makes sense. He loves his grandkids, but never chooses to come to any of their activities, even "big" stuff. I think I am rambling now, but I just don't know how to get through this. I don't know what to do and I feel awful that I look forward to a stress being relieved. What kind of person says that? When my dad died 6 years go it was much like this scenario. Alcoholic, not much of a relationship except the stress. He didn't even bother to learn my kids names . :( When he died, I was distraught but a huge weight was lifted. I am awful. I was very close to my mother, but still felt like a burden had been lifted when she finally passed; she had colon cancer and battled it for 3 years. As for how you handle the current situation - you shouldn't put too much pressure on yourself to handle this in a way you feel uncomfortable. Acknowledge and "own" that the relationship was what it was. You cannot change that he treated you badly and that you had a difficult upbringing because of his actions. If I were in your shoes, I would be kind and compassionate; help your mother as much as you can emotionally, but don't expect that the relationship will heal since he is dying. It might, but it probably won't. I am sorry for the situation you are facing. It is so hard and the past feelings associated with it make it so much harder. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementine Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 Not awful. Normal. You can't feel something that isn't there - and the absence of that feeling is not your fault. :grouphug: I am so sorry for what you're going through. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 No, you are not awful. :grouphug: Do not be ashamed of your feelings. Just don't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abeille Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 Not awful. Normal. You can't feel something that isn't there - and the absence of that feeling is not your fault. :grouphug: I am so sorry for what you're going through. :iagree: I am also very sorry you're having to go through this. I hope that you can find some measure of peace with the situation so you can be there for your mother, but you are most definitely not awful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitten18 Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 You are not awful! :grouphug: It is all very overwhelming and your feelings are totally understandable. When my parents were dying I had the same feelings. I remember thinking: "I don't want to go into the hospital room." "I don't want to go to the funeral home." "I don't want to see the body." "I don't want to go to the cemetery." etc. I just didn't want to do any of it! My best advice is to try and take things hour by hour and not think too much about tomorrow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaffodilDreams Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I don't think you're awful, and I understand. Be gentle with yourself. Hugs . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 Not awful at all.... In fact - even with family members who are very close, it is a relief when they pass from a difficult illness. Sometimes more of a relief because it is so upsetting and tiring to see someone we love suffer. No reaction or emotion you are feeling is wrong - embrace them and work through them. Trust me- very few people DON'T have these feelings - but usualy they don't share because they think they are somehow wrong. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WiseOwlKnits Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 You're not awful. I have the same feelings about my biological father. He made my childhood a nightmare and refuses to respect boundaries now that I'm an adult. When he dies, it will be a huge relief to me. Honestly, I will probably throw a party to celebrate his demise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
helena Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: I wish father situations... uhg... you know what I mean?? :grouphug: You're not awful for the way you feel! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 Not awful. I have no relationship with my father, but I did try to make an effort when he had his first heart attack. There was nothing reciprocated, so I didn't even bother trying when he had the 2nd heart attack or was treated for prostate cancer. You can be there for your mother if you desire, but I wouldn't feel any guilt about not being there for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 You are not awful. There is nothing wrong with your feelings. Just because someone who was horrible to you when you were growing up is now dying does not mean you have to get all teary and pretend. Be there for your mother. Don't worry about the rest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted October 9, 2011 Author Share Posted October 9, 2011 Thanks to everyone who responded. It helps to know that I am not alone in my feelings. :grouphug: I will try to be there for my mom as she needs it take it one day at a time. I am so nit good at this and wish I could just disappear until it is all over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 you are not awful, and your feelings of guilt for wanting relief are totally normal given the descriptions of your relationships. I can understand how you can feel shame for feeling the way you do, but you really shouldn't. Be kind to yourself! A man who caused MUCH pain in your life is dying. Do you think you should be feeling tremendous pain and loss? Relief is the "normal" thing to be feeling here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 My step-dad very likely has late stage stomach cancer. :( He has lost a substantial amount of weight very rapidly. We are waiting on the results of the endo. In your situation, I'd work on making sure Mom was supported. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 You are not awful, you are human and this is dredging up lots of pain. :grouphug: I hate dealing with stuff like that, too. But we have to. So feel it; you're not a bad person for feeling that way at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teachin'Mine Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm sorry. Be there for your mom if you can, and you may be surprised to find that your step-dad has been reviewing his life a bit, considering his circumstances. Maybe he won't want to talk about anything, or apologize, but it's also possible that he will. I'll keep all of you in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 Be there for your mom, and anyone else to whom he is important. You don't have to care for *him*, you can care for *them*, which might involve some of the same actions (bringing meals, etc.), but comes from a different place in your heart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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