Are you comfortable making verbal apologies? Is your dh?

[Julie in CA]

I fall all over myself to apologize when I realize I've done something wrong.

 

My dh, on the other hand, doesn't often {ever :D} make verbal apologies. Even when he feels he's wronged someone, he's more likely to buy them lunch and assume the "fences are mended".

 

This is not a slam on my dh, since I completely understand that his "language" is acts of service & generosity. He just really was not raised to offer a verbal apology, ever.

 

So, how rare is this? Is my dh a freak of nature & society? :D

He's a great guy, one of the best people I've ever known, so thankfully, the situations where this comes up are few & far between.

 

The poll is multiple choice, so please make one answer for yourself, and one for your dh.

 

ETA: Yeah...this is a seriously flawed poll. I only included two options for the wife, because I was more focused on learning about whether my dh is an oddity. I do not know why I assumed the respondent would be the wife, when I know there is such a variety of other situations here. Sorry. :blush:

Edited August 30, 2011 by Julie in CA

[Liza Lee]

I voted for the first option.

 

I will not snark about my XH, so that's all I'm gonna' say.

[4everHis]

This is 'wife' snarkiness and acceptable because I'm the wife. ;) I have the H A R D E S T time offering verbal apologies (pridefulness?) but my dh is amazingly quick and humble about setting things right when he blows it. Especially with the kids, which I think I appreciate more because my dad NEVER apologized and that left me with the thought that he never thought he was wrong and he was seriously wrong about a few things:001_huh:

[RegGuheert]

Why are there four apology possibilities for a husband but only two for a wife? :confused:

[Georgiana Daniels]

LOL, where is the obligatory "other"? That's me! I *used* to offer verbal apologies freely, until a certain-someone-who-shall-remain-nameless would chime in after my apology, reiterating what I'd done wrong.

 

Under those conditions, I've decided that verbal apologies are mostly useless, and it's better to show my remorse by behaving better going forward.

[Pam Wilhelm]

I offer apologies readily.... doesn't bother me a bit.

 

Hubby never used to....but he's getting better.

 

 

What I find now (after 22 years of marriage) is that hubby will not acknowledge the things I have done that have helped the family. Managing the money/doing the taxes/cooking the meals/baking the bread/turning a foreclosure of our house into the purchase of a new house within 3 months of losing our previous home...... I have a long list.

 

:D

[Julie in CA]

Why are there four apology possibilities for a husband but only two for a wife? :confused:

...and *why* did I assume the respondent to be the wife?? :001_huh:

Sorry.

[Hwin]

We both make verbal apologies whenever an apology is appropriate. I am perhaps a little less likely to offer it up, though.

[RegGuheert]

...and *why* did I assume the respondent to be the wife?? :001_huh:

Sorry.

No problem! (Nice apology, BTW! :001_smile:)

[Julie in CA]

No problem! (Nice apology, BTW! :001_smile:)

I'm one of those easy-apologizers. ;)

[RegGuheert]

I'm one of those easy-apologizers. ;)

I can see that!

 

I'm much better than I used to be in this area, but there is still room for improvement!

 

On a related topic, sometime in my life I discovered that I almost never said "You're welcome!" I think I now may over-compensate in trying to consistently say "You're welcome!"

[Jumping In Puddles]

I apologize even when I'm not wrong. :001_huh: I like to keep the peace. :tongue_smilie:

 

My dh never apologizes. Actually, my dh never use to apologize, ever! Now he apologizes a lot because he is a bit scared I'm going to leave him. :001_huh:

 

One thing that bugs me more than someone not apologizing, is someone not accepting an apology! (over something general, not murder and such, LOL!)

[Janie Grace]

We both offer apologies often, because we have learned that it's really important to own one's sin towards the offended spouse. I don't think we'd have an intimate, healthy marriage if we seldom apologized. However, I wouldn't say it's EASY for either of us! I mean, isn't it human nature to hate to be wrong? ;)

[justamouse]

My Dh and his family will very easily offer apologies and make no bones about saying they are wrong.

 

Coming from a family that NEVER apologizes, it was a breath of fresh air.

[RegGuheert]

We both offer apologies often, because we have learned that it's really important to own one's sin towards the offended spouse.

Well said!

[Julie in CA]

We both offer apologies often, because we have learned that it's really important to own one's sin towards the offended spouse. I don't think we'd have an intimate, healthy marriage if we seldom apologized.

Absolutely true that being sorry to have offended one's spouse is an integral part of a loving, healthy relationship. What's interesting to me though, is that I've found it doesn't necessarily have to be a *verbal* apology. In our situation, it's really enough that my dh's sorry, and shows it clearly with his actions. The words are less important to me.

[JennyD]

My DH is much better about apologizing than I am. I have learned a lot from his example on this matter.

[6packofun]

There also is not an "other" option. The passive-aggressive apology where the person says sorry just to shut the other person up or end the conversation is something my dh excels at. LOL! Although technically it may not be a real apology...

[kristamaranatha]

Verbal apologies are very important in our household, because they allow the person to admit what they have done wrong and then make things right. BUT actions must follow the apology or it is meaningless. You can't say, "I'm sorry and I'll never do it again," and then walk away and do the same thing five minutes later. Something else I have learned is that verbal apologies are not the only type of apology. While it is important to make things right verbally as soon as a wrong has been committed, we have found that sometimes it is hard to make amends if one party is not ready to hear the apology of the other, if it is a more serious offense, or sometimes if the offense happened right as someone was heading out the door or if it was over the phone. In this case I have found that a written apology can also be extremely effective. I have had to learn how to make good verbal apologies. I find for myself sometimes the written one is easier. And my husband appreciates the written apology because it is one way I know how to express my heart, and this sometimes better than I know how to say it. I find my thoughts flow better on paper when I have time to think about what I need to say than in the heat of the moment when, "I'm sorry!" might come more out of emotion and the desire to make things right than from real brokenness and repentance. Humility and brokenness - the attitude of the heart - is more important even than the words spoken or written. My husband has expressed this to me, that the attitude with which you come with your apology is so important. An arrogant, "I'm sorry" never makes things right.

[Teachin'Mine]

Why are there four apology possibilities for a husband but only two for a wife? :confused:

 

Because husbands typically have twice as much for which to apologize.

 

:D

[RegGuheert]

Because husbands typically have twice as much for which to apologize.

Well, there is that! :001_smile:

 

We've been kinda hoping that you ladies wouldn't notice! :tongue_smilie:

[UnsinkableKristen]

DH and I are both quick apologizers. Neither of us likes to be arguing with the other and we will both acknowledge what we did to start/further the argument.

 

I think that is what helps us rarely have the same argument twice.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I used to apologize for the weather. It drove dh nuts. I've gotten better about only apologizing for what I'm actually responsible for.

 

Dh used to never apologize -ever. He had the feeling that if he had confessed it to God, he was good. I pointed out to him that he might be good then with God, but he still had me to contend with. Now he apologizes more, though only for "big" things.

[Splinter]

I didn't vote in the poll, but I thought I'd give a guy's opinion.

 

For me, apologizing or not depends on who it is. With people that I don't know particularly well (and women, I learned that one early on :tongue_smilie: ) I always apologize. Probably even more than I need to.

 

But, with my close friends, brothers and dad, the closest I would get is saying something like "my bad" and then buying them a beer.

[sbgrace]

Some people are quick to apologize because negative emotions are very difficult for them. In other words, some people apologize quickly to move off an uncomfortable subject--it's an avoidance strategy. It doesn't feel genuine. I prefer no apology to an insincere or off-hand one.

Edited August 30, 2011 by sbgrace

[Marylou]

Well, there is that! :001_smile:

 

We've been kinda hoping that you ladies wouldn't notice! :tongue_smilie:

 

Here's a modern apology . . . we're sorry if YOU were offended by that ;) Ugh.

[Stages]

I'm fairly quick to make a verbal apology. I'm likely to say something like "I'm sorry I snapped at you. I guess I'm kind of cranky today," even if the only reason I'm saying it is to stop the conflict. It works in our house.

 

Dh doesn't apologize very often, but he is quick to change behavior. It's good enough for me.

[Puma Mom]

I am quick to apologize.

 

Dh, I think, feels that an apology indicates that he acted purposely and maliciously to hurt someone. He's quick to apologize once he realizes that he did something hurtful IF he knew it was hurtful.

[Night Elf]

I voted that both DH and I can easily offer an apology. The question that should be asked, however, is how sincere is that apology? Both DH and I grew up with moms who made us apologize in all kinds of situations whether we were at fault or not. This means apologizing is the polite thing to do because it falls under the 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.' I don't believe most apologies I hear are sincere. I would prefer no apology to an insincere one. Spoken words cannot be taken back. They sit in the mind for a long time.

[meggie]

I will apologize. I'm not very quick about it though. I need to blow off steam first. It took us awhile to figure out that I needed space and he needed to back off for awhile. Then after I think about it, I see where I erred and will apologize for my part. It took about three years into our marriage for us to figure that out (and for me to even begin saying sorry. I was raised in the house where it was better to be right than loved).

 

DH has always been quick to apologize for his part. He always wanted to jump right in and "fix" it. It created problems in the beginning because I was feeling like a cornered badger. And whenever we got to that point, I'd stop talking and he thought I was ignoring him and oh my. I'm just glad we have it figured out now.

[Colleen]

...and *why* did I assume the respondent to be the wife?? :001_huh:

Because the vast majority of people here are women.:)

[GVD22]

We both make verbal apologies whenever an apology is appropriate. I am perhaps a little less likely to offer it up, though.

 

 

:iagree:

[Marylou]

In our family, whatever the age, we say, "I was wrong to ___________. Please forgive me." DH and I are not fond of the word "sorry".

[Parrothead]

Rule #6: Never apologize. It is a sign of weakness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry, I couldn't resist. :lol:

[Colleen]

The words are less important to me.

The words aren't particularly important to me, either, which is perhaps why I usually don't think to offer them.:tongue_smilie: I don't make my guys apologize to one another, either. Sure, I point out when they wronged someone and suggest that they admit it, but that whole concept of forcing a kid to apologize ("Say you're sorry. Come on, now. Say it!") doesn't sit well with me. So-o-o-o, I hope my guys don't marry women whose emotional well-being in life depends on a husband uttering those two words.;)

(Although I don't know that it's related to one's upbringing. Hans easily apologizes to people (other people, anyway...) when he thinks he's caused offense, but I seriously doubt it's a habit he learned via his family.)

Edited August 30, 2011 by Colleen

[Janie Grace]

Absolutely true that being sorry to have offended one's spouse is an integral part of a loving, healthy relationship. What's interesting to me though, is that I've found it doesn't necessarily have to be a *verbal* apology. In our situation, it's really enough that my dh's sorry, and shows it clearly with his actions. The words are less important to me.

 

It's good that you can receive apology/repentance this way, and that it "does the trick." My guess is that it doesn't for everyone your dh interacts with, and if he were my dh, I'd be encouraging him to learn to say the words when necessary (to the kids, co-workers, whatever). If someone wronged me and then tried to buy me lunch and assume the fences are mended, I'd still be offended.

[Colleen]

It's good that you can receive apology/repentance this way, and that it "does the trick." My guess is that it doesn't for everyone your dh interacts with, and if he were my dh, I'd be encouraging him to learn to say the words when necessary (to the kids, co-workers, whatever). If someone wronged me and then tried to buy me lunch and assume the fences are mended, I'd still be offended.

Now, see, given a choice between hearing the words, "I'm sorry" or free food, I'll take the latter.:D Okay, granted, offering both the words and the food is a better option. And I do hear what you're saying; some people really do need/want to hear an apology. But speaking on behalf of my own farmer husband, I think most guys (and guys are presumably the recipients "food apology") are good with the lunch.;)