twoforjoy Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 I take it entirely different. More along the lines of the man thinking that they probably already get enough negative comments about having "so many" that he is trying to turn it around. Eh, guess I'm one of the few that try to either laugh things off or think that the person really is trying to be well meaning. I guess I just think that needs to go both ways. If we're going to laugh it off and assume people are being well-meaning when they make thoughtless comments about a family not being large enough, we should do the same when people make comments about a family being too large. In either case, it's very unlikely they mean it maliciously. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 I say things along the lines of "you sure have your hands full" all the time. I've never meant it negatively. I thought it was a nice small-talk comment about kids. I only have 2 and people say it to me all the time- but I've never felt it was in a rude way. Sometimes I'm out and about with only one and I have my hands full! We plan on having two more. There was a mom at storytime that had 5 kids with her and I thought they were all hers- I started a couple convos with her because I was so impressed with her. She was so organized and patient, so soft-spoken and kind, but really no-nonsense at the same time. One of those people you look at and you're like "I wanna be like her!" Turns out, she was baby-sitting two of them, but she had two olders that were in school- so she did have 5, just not the 5 that were with her. Anyway, sometimes when someone is watching you, they're not thinking negatively- they're thinking "Wow, I wish I could be like her!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 I guess I just think that needs to go both ways. If we're going to laugh it off and assume people are being well-meaning when they make thoughtless comments about a family not being large enough, we should do the same when people make comments about a family being too large. In either case, it's very unlikely they mean it maliciously. Well, its hard to take, "OH NO!!!" "This was an accident, right?!" "Tell me you DIDN'T plan this..." as not being malicious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FiveOaksAcademy Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 Well, its hard to take, "OH NO!!!" "This was an accident, right?!" "Tell me you DIDN'T plan this..." as not being malicious. Too true!!! From my situation, being the OP, I know this side of the family that made the comments. They value money and perfection over pretty much everything. Too many children would stand in the way of both. I know this is true for myself and don't care...but I see children from a Kingdom perspective, so I know my worldview affects this. I've learned soooo much through the years about holding my tongue, the truth of humility, the REASONS I need to be humble (because I see my own failings), and I just cannot imagine walking up and questioning someone in that way, even if I was joking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twoforjoy Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 Well, its hard to take, "OH NO!!!" "This was an accident, right?!" "Tell me you DIDN'T plan this..." as not being malicious. Sure, but the point is that people with one child or no children face comments just as rude. I was told I was being selfish, I had acquaintances tell me that "Children are a blessing, you know," as if my only having one showed that I didn't think that, I was told I was ruining my child. I'll take a good-natured "You know how that happens, right?" (which I've gotten a few times since being visibly pregnant with #3) over that any day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlsdMama Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 (edited) Yes, it is really obnoxious. People did this to me before I had any children. And I have heard people say this to people who are struggling with infertility and really want to have children and are getting medical help and so forth. Right after my oldest was born (as in, within a month), someone asked when I'd have another. My sil & bil have struggled with infertility for years. By the grace of God they conceived one. I cannot BELIEVE what people say to them - and I guess, I can, from the average stranger. But I was flabbergasted two summers ago to hear someone who KNEW they struggled with infertility issues to tell them they needed to have another. And after my SIL said, "We'd like to," to continue on and on for ten minutes. Really? :001_huh: But large family mamas make their own mistakes. I've heard this one: "Boy, you have your hands full." "Better full than empty." And I thought it was cute & quippy 'til someone explained how hurtful it could be to a mama struggling with infertility. :( ************************** We have often gotten the question: "Were they all planned?" Response: "Yes. By God." In either case, it's very unlikely they mean it maliciously. I wish this was true. And, on another note, understand we're not all jaded. ;) We do like to give the benefit of the doubt that people don't mean to be rude. But you should understand too that many of us have had actual, ugly, comments said to us as well, along with dirty looks, and snide comments. We also get counted (out loud) almost everywhere we go. Many of our family members feel the need to CONSTANTLY remark on our sex lives. It is constant and never ending really. And by NEVER ending, I really mean it. For those of us with this many, we can absolutely NOT go out in public without at least one and most often, several comments. We can't take all of our kids to the grocery store or to Wal-Mart or to the bookstore, or the fabric store, or to the farmer's market, or the library, or even to Grandma's and Grandpa's house without someone thinking they are funny. We all have "that" cousin or uncle or parent who feels the need to make the next "funny" comment. God help all of us at family reunions. While I understand people CAN say hurtful things to families with one or two children, it is not EVERYWHERE you go. Everywhere and all the time. There are days I actually feel sorry for my children because we can't stand in a line waiting to check out at Target without comments. We can't all go to Costco and pick up groceries without stopping and "explaining" our family to at least 2-3 people. Truly. And while we work very hard to be good advocates for large families and homeschooling, it's hard to be always "on." We were at the pediatrician's last week and Sarah was being very sassy. Her sister was having a very serious talk with her and her "serious" face was on and I had to explain to Ana that maybe later would be a better time for a talk as we had an audience... Truly, we had a line of 4-5 people to our side watching everything... And help us, going out to eat... The pressure for them to be "Duggar" perfect is intense as frankly, with as many comments as you get, you don't need to add to it by a child being naughty or leaving a bit of a mess, or anything else. My sympathies to EVERY mama who has to deal with rude comments!!! But to be watched, studied, stopped, questioned, grilled everywhere we go is sometimes overwhelming. There are days when I just want to walk into a store, and walk back out, and on those days I leave at least half of them home. I love my big family. I LOVE having many. What I don't love is always having to answer to strangers in the grocery store, justify it to the lady cutting my fabric, explain our reasons to the random mama at the library, excuse it to the strangers at the doctor's office, and answer all of the check-out lady's questions all on errand day. And then turn around and do it all again next week. My response to this statement is always the same and shuts people right up. "Of course I know what causes it! (insert big smile here, wiggle eye brows) Why do you think I have so many?" Diana On a lighter note, we've been asked several times: "Don't you own a T.V.?!?!" To which, of course, there is the obvious answer: "You'd rather watch T.V.?!?!?!" :D Edited July 19, 2011 by BlsdMama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 I used to get comments, esp. since mine were so close together. (My oldest was in kindergarten when #5 was born.) Their comments never bothered me for some reason. I loved thinking we were going against the grain and causing people to wonder... :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymilkies Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 I always say, "there is nothing broken to fix." :lol: We are done now, but that was my dh's comeback every time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 Sure, but the point is that people with one child or no children face comments just as rude. I was told I was being selfish, I had acquaintances tell me that "Children are a blessing, you know," as if my only having one showed that I didn't think that, I was told I was ruining my child. I'll take a good-natured "You know how that happens, right?" (which I've gotten a few times since being visibly pregnant with #3) over that any day. I personally think ANYONE commenting on family size is incredibly rude, and assumes that they have some sort of say or input into the situation. One of my 'favourite' comments was being told that 'children are unneccesary overhead'...in *my* home, with *my* children sleeping upstairs, after eating at *my* table. Yes. Unneccesary financial overhead. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 I guess I just think that needs to go both ways. If we're going to laugh it off and assume people are being well-meaning when they make thoughtless comments about a family not being large enough, we should do the same when people make comments about a family being too large. In either case, it's very unlikely they mean it maliciously. I usually laugh off rude (negative) comments also. I figure the person is either ignorant or just comparing what they would do out loud. I really think most people think they are being cute or funny and are clueless to what they are actually saying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 I personally think ANYONE commenting on family size is incredibly rude, and assumes that they have some sort of say or input into the situation. One of my 'favourite' comments was being told that 'children are unneccesary overhead'...in *my* home, with *my* children sleeping upstairs, after eating at *my* table. Yes. Unneccesary financial overhead. :glare: Now THAT one cannot laugh off and there's really no room for thinking the person meant well. It was just disgusting to say to your hostess (or anyone else, for that matter). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 btw, I struggled with infertility early in my marriage. We were told that we would not be able to have children (long story short, managing to get pregnant helped to semi "correct" my issue making it easier to get pregnant again). There were many women in our church at that time that were in their 40's, had kids going to college, suddenly get pregnant. It was a difficult Christmas and I was playing Mary in the Contada. I finally got pregnant and you would have thought I had committed a crime. So I'm usually sensitive to anything that could truly be cruel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 I will say, however, that the one place I've been where the comments have been nothing but positive and encouraging has been our homeschool conference. :) Homeschooling crowds are where I feel like the freak. "Yes, I ONLY have two kids!" :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 There must be something about us that scares away rude people, or maybe I'm just oblivious, because we've only had a few questionable comments about our five kids. I always read these threads to get ideas for a good comeback just in case. I'm putting the "We're trying for a hermaphrodite" response at the top of the list, and I'm slightly sad that I probably won't get to use it! :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GTJo1996 Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 :) Homeschooling crowds are where I feel like the freak. "Yes, I ONLY have two kids!" :lol: Me too! Especially at the annual conference where there are moms wearing an infant strapped into a front carrier, a toddler holding her hand, twins in the double stroller, and she is still able to carry-on intelligent conversations while simultaneously juggling a textbook to review. THAT is when I know each of our families is exactly the size God meant for them to be! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oakblossoms Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 :iagree: My SIL yesterday told us we were stupid for having 5 kids. :glare: I would have politely said...no I was stupid when I started talking to you. My last two are closest together, little girl and boy. People have been saying oh perfect you have the perfect family. I answer...I do, I do. We have three lovely young men, as well. The best part is people think I am in my early 20's. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
butterflymommy Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 I haven't had too many rude comments.... these are the ones I've gotten. I have to say the one from my mom hurt the most: "You sure took "be fruitful and multiply" seriously" ... (lady at services) "You're pregnant AGAIN?" (grocery checkout lady) (fighting back tears) "It's just not what I would have wanted for you" ( from my MOM... I guess what she DID want was her drunk husband beating me as a child?? Since she seemed to have no problem with that) And an otherwise very nice neighbor who grilled me on "why, why, why..." and then the next time I saw him he was very apologetic... both conversations extremely uncomfortable! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 Well, know that I know, I'll stop. Well I don't think it is rude at all. And I am not going stop. So there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KatDilan Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 "Yes, and he's good at it." :D Shuts 'em up every time. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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