Advice about dealing with a Mother in law?

[rhreinke]

I am in desperate need of advice on how to handle an overbearing mother in law. Last week over the phone she told my husband that we were not being consistent with taking our children to church, (we just moved back to town 4 months ago and are in the process of finding a church home, and did I mention I live 2 houses down from my in laws). They my kids didn't know any bible versus or any church songs. We as parents are not doing a good job of raising our children. I can't remember if she said it exactly like that but that is the jist of the conversation. I think she way over stepped her bounds and this is a woman who NEVER apologizes about anything. Really. I just don't know how to handle this. I am thinking of e-mailing her a letter explaining my feelings and that she in some way does need to apologize. Any advice would be greatly appreciated on what to do. thanks from a very frustrated mom.

[amey311]

What did DH say to her when she said all this?

[Momof3littles]

How does your husband handle his mother? I'd start there and make sure he's on the same page with you.

 

From there I would set boundaries and enforce them. Firmly and consistently. I wouldn't try to elicit an apology.

[FeFe]

The bright side is that she told this to her son and not to you, the DIL.

 

I think I would completely ignore it. I'd keep looking for a church home until I found the fit for my family. I'd seriously talk with DH about moving just a little farther away from overbearing in-laws because I doubt this is the last time she'll do something like this.

 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I don't like confrontation so I'd do my best to ignore her and live my life. And maybe work on your arsenal of "thanks but no thanks" type lines to stop conversations.

[myfunnybunch]

How does your husband handle his mother? I'd start there and make sure he's on the same page with you.

 

From there I would set boundaries and enforce them. Firmly and consistently. I wouldn't try to elicit an apology.

 

ITA with this. Trying to force an apology could turn it into a power struggle. (*I* believe she should apologize, but unless she believes it, it will either be insincere or won't happen.) I'd focus instead on supporting your dh in setting firm boundaries with his mother.

 

:grouphug: I am sorry she was so rude and insensitive.

 

Cat

[MinivanMom]

What did your husband say at the time? He's the one that needs to be handling her.

 

Something like: "Our approach to religious instruction is not up for discussion."

or: "I only discuss parenting decisions with my dear wife."

or: "I'll call you back later when you are ready to speak with me pleasantly."

 

Your husband should be the one saying something. You don't need to do anything . . . except start looking for a new house. Why on earth are you living 2 doors down from a woman who oversteps her bounds and "NEVER apologizes about anything?"

[Carol in Cal.]

Do you think that she is completely wrong or partly wrong? If you think that she is completely wrong, by all means go and have it out. If you don't, then if you go to talk to her, admit your partial wrong and ask for forgiveness and then bring your issue with her to her attention.

 

I am all for setting boundaries, but I also think that it should not be applied first thing. First is trying for resolution. Boundaries are for after repeated attempts at Godly resolution have failed.

[Ellie]

This is an issue that your dh has to handle. She's his mother. He needs to tell her to lighten up. And since she said it to him and not to you, there isn't anything for you to do, anyway.

 

I wouldn't bother to send her an e-mail or tell her what your feelings are or anything. She won't read the e-mail. She doesn't care what your feelings are.

 

And under no circumstances should you expect an apology. Not gonna happen.

 

If she says things in front of your dc, you might have to consider limiting their time with her. Sad but true. Your dh could tell her that--not you, remember: he should.

[*lifeoftheparty*]

Have you ever watched "Everybody Loves Raymond"? You could buy her the series on DVD and give it to her.... on the note write:

 

To: Marie

From: Raymond and Debra

 

LOL! I'm sorry, this isn't the serious answer you need, but I couldn't help myself, it's my favorite show!!

 

PS. I think "lay it all out on the table" e-mails sound great in theory, but never work out the way we want them and can lead to awkward situations.

 

ETA: PSS. This is EXACTLY like the episode where Debra writes Marie (her MIL) a letter about over overbearing behavior and sends it in the mail, but regrets it; Marie ends up reading it... it's really funny :)

Edited July 14, 2011 by Gao Meixue

[mirandahoops]

Have you ever watched "Everybody Loves Raymond"? You could buy her the series on DVD and give it to her.... on the note write:

 

To: Marie

From: Raymond and Debra

 

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

That's hilarious! I love it! :)

[WishboneDawn]

I think she way over stepped her bounds and this is a woman who NEVER apologizes about anything. Really. I just don't know how to handle this. I am thinking of e-mailing her a letter explaining my feelings and that she in some way does need to apologize. Any advice would be greatly appreciated on what to do. thanks from a very frustrated mom.

 

If this is a pattern then you aren't going to get an apology. Further explaination abotu your feelings will only open the door further for her. This is a perfect opportunity to say, "This is our concern, not yours. I'm not discussing it with you." Then change subjects or say goodbye and hangup.

 

Lather, rinse, repeat.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It depends.

 

Was it in response to a conversation where dh was asking his mom's opinion or advice? If so, I think that godly grandparent's wisdom can help us see some of the weaknesses in our own family.

 

Was the advice unsolicited? Then it is overstepping a boundary. But - it was a boundary in speech between your MIL and dh. She didn't confront you on it or your children, from what I understand. And in that situation, your dh needed to confront it as it happened - in speech. If he wasn't bothered by it and was just sharing the conversation with you, then I would think that you are overreacting and should ask him not to share his mother's views with you.

[Joanne]

I am on my phone. Google "bean dip for homeschoolers" .

 

I would not suggest trying to get her to apologize. Instead, I suggest a better understanding on your part about boundaries.

[tex-mex]

This is an issue that your dh has to handle. She's his mother. He needs to tell her to lighten up. And since she said it to him and not to you, there isn't anything for you to do, anyway.

 

I wouldn't bother to send her an e-mail or tell her what your feelings are or anything. She won't read the e-mail. She doesn't care what your feelings are.

 

And under no circumstances should you expect an apology. Not gonna happen.

 

If she says things in front of your dc, you might have to consider limiting their time with her. Sad but true. Your dh could tell her that--not you, remember: he should.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

You are not the target of her ammunition. She is trying to gain control of her son and grandchildren. And this is not your battle. This has to come from her son. If it never gets resolved that the son SETS rules and boundaries with his mother, then it becomes a sticking point in your marriage. With her living a few houses down, she will try to be dominant in the relationship. Good luck.

[tex-mex]

If this is a pattern then you aren't going to get an apology. Further explaination abotu your feelings will only open the door further for her. This is a perfect opportunity to say, "This is our concern, not yours. I'm not discussing it with you." Then change subjects or say goodbye and hangup.

 

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Oh yes. If MIL realizes the buttons she pushed on DIL... MIL will use this to her advantage. I suggest never allowing MIL to see weakness or distress. Lather, rinse, repeat. Pass the beandip. Go to a girlfriend and dump on her about how horrid MIL is over a margarita. And come back home feeling MIL is a very lonely and spiteful person. Be the better person.

[amey311]

What will you do if she doesn't apologize?

 

Are you prepared for the discussion to escalate when you confront her via email? Depending on the MIL in question, this can lead to rants about "not respecting elders, how DH is not honoring his mother, that you're just overreacting, why would you possibly be upset about her concerns for the children's spiritual health, that this was a private conversation between DH and MIL, and so on."

 

I generally take two approaches when dealing with FIL's girlfriend (she's the one I'd have these problems with): A - "Thanks for letting me know your thoughts. I'll consider that idea" OR B - "I'm not discussing this with you."

 

One of the last times we saw them, I said B three times (THREE!) and then left the room.

 

Of course, DH doesn't like her either, so he's never emotionally invested in anything she says. I take mental notes and replay the situations for friends as a way to vent.

[PeacefulChaos]

email - bad idea. Sounds like a good idea at first, but trust me, it never ends well!!!

I would just forget she said anything. :001_smile:

[rhreinke]

Thanks everyone, some sound advice! We have tried to move for 5 years now with moving all over the country and moving to another country, but the house won't sell and we are right back where we started. My dh has the same feeling as I do and I am very grateful for that. I've heard stories where the husband and wife don't agree and it is a bitter subject. But my husband knows all too well about his mom. I even spoke with my mom about this and she really didn't know what to say other than avoidance is a very powerful tool. My saving grace is we are leaving the country again for a while and this will give me a break from her. Can I just say I loved living overseas and running my own family. We've tried talking to her in the past about the similar way she over steps boundaries and it has never gone well. So I guess leaving it be is maybe wise advice. My husband had phoned to see if she wanted to take the kids to church with her and that is when she blew up. The whole time we have had children she has only taken them to church once. And did I mention this is all at the same church were my father in law is the pastor. I know, I know we need to separate ourselves from them as much as possible for my sanity. And that's what we have been trying to do by finding a different church then theirs, which we had been attending.

 

Well I think I will have to drop the issue and as someone earlier mentioned she didn't say it to me. My husband kept trying to say goodbye and hang up but she was going on and on. I guess he should have just hung up anyway. thanks for all your input and for letting me vent. wow, this is really helpful, kind of like a councilor listening but you don't have to pay! : )

[DarcyB]

While her concern of the religious education of her children (or their well being in general) is something she needs to bring to the the two of you if she sees something wrong (sorry, I fully expect my families to step up and call us on something if they see we're really headed in the wrong direction - lovingly, of course!), if it's a continue issue of her always butting in and always trying to tell you what to do, there's not a lot you're going to get from her in the way of an apology, especially from an email that she'll able to stew over forever til she confronts you about it.

 

Let your husband deal with it, and let it go.

'

 

(wow..was that one long sentence? LOL)

[newbie]

I have one good thing for you, she is not living w/you , like mine.

[rhreinke]

I have one good thing for you, she is not living w/you , like mine.

 

yes, I have thought of that and may God bless you with LOTS of patients.

Edited July 14, 2011 by rhreinke

[UmMusa]

This is a touchy subject. Can I recommend next time you talk to her or if you're both comfortable sitting at home together, you can say that you're feeling uncomfortable with her pushing the church subject.

 

Listen, I just opened a can of worms with my dad's wife yesterday. I told her what I've been bottling up for 15 years now. Free yourself!!! It is NOT worth the physical pain, the emotional drain. I'm dealing with some fallout right now of it, but it is long overdue. I'm maintaining a low key about the whole thing by saying simply that I'm still struggling with what went down back then. With your MIL, why not just keep an open dialogue and feel comfortable enough to tell her that you're struggling with it. That way you are not accusing her or picking a fight. Just stating a fact.

[Mama Geek]

One more suggestion for you would be to ask dh not to tell you about overbearing conversations he has with his mother.

 

Something along the lines of our relationship is already rocky, please don't get me into things that are between you and her. Dh and I have been working on this with his dm and ds.