Wow! You're really blessed!

[Aubrey]

ETA: I keep hoping this thread will die. It has come across wrong--exactly the kind of conversational mistake I make irl. Ack! Please, please if you MUST read the thread, read the whole thing: I'm NOT angry, defensive, OR criticizing my friend's family size. I'm overthinking, amused, nothing more. I'm SO sorry if it's sounded like smaller families need to defend their size.

 

It's kind-of like...well, wouldn't it strike you as strange if I had 5+ planned children & met someone w/ 1 child & said, "Oh! You're so blessed to have only one!" If you know I'm happy w/ my large family...well, wouldn't it seem strange? Wouldn't you assume I was just trying to be polite? Which is...polite...but kind-of funny! That's all. Irl, I have NO IDEA what to say to people regarding family size. You have 8? That's a LOT. That's cool, but it's a lot, & my mouth is faster than my brain. You have 1? I DO wonder why, though it's none of my business & not a judgment. I wonder why I have 5 or others have more, lol! In the one-child case, my brain tends to be a little faster than my mouth, but I have one of those unfortunate faces that always looks like I'm thinking something bad about someone. It's just the look of over thinking what I should say next because I stink at small talk.

 

Anyway...I'm really sorry. I've read some of your replies & tried for days to figure out how to make it better but didn't want to resurrect the thread.

 

...............................................................

Wrt # of kids. From someone who has far fewer. By very deliberate choice.

 

It's not that it bothers me, it's just...*obvious* that the person has no idea what to say. And while they say "blessed" they obviously don't REALLY think that, since they've chosen for themselves not to be Quite. So. Blessed.

 

I guess I'm really just chuckling at the OH MY GOSH that's trying to be translated in the statement. It's coming from a goofy guy friend, & the last time we saw ea other, we ea had 2 kids the exact same ages...nearly 10 years ago.

 

I know the statement can be sincere. It can be snotty. This time...just so funny! But maybe it's just imagining this particular person & the look on his face. Not one to hide thoughts, iykwim. :lol:

Edited July 14, 2011 by Aubrey

[Melinda]

hahaha

[PentecostalMom]

I got the same response from a high school classmate. Amazing what people will say!

[elegantlion]

I'm glad it came across funny.

 

I know I have that issue sometimes, I don't know what to say. We have one by choice. I have nothing against having more than one child, two children, large families, etc. My dh is one of five, my mom one of eight.

 

Sometimes I don't know how to say "I respect your choice and I'm happy where I'm at too" without it sounding condescending or just stupid.

[amy g.]

I appreciate the honesty, when people just look at me in horror and say, "You are insane!"

 

I just have to laugh and agree.

[vonfirmath]

Wrt # of kids. From someone who has far fewer. By very deliberate choice.

 

It's not that it bothers me, it's just...*obvious* that the person has no idea what to say. And while they say "blessed" they obviously don't REALLY think that, since they've chosen for themselves not to be Quite. So. Blessed.

 

I dunno. I'm having my second (and feeling that it is our last) and still feel a woman with more children is quite blessed. I ALWAYS wanted a dozen children. God had different plans.

[Impish]

I'd rather hear that I'm blessed than insane. :glare: Regardless of the tone.

 

If one more person goes off on how I shouldn't be having another baby, how will I cope with a newborn 1 armed, what were we thinking, did we actually INTEND to become pregnant, I may end up on the news.

 

Or, I may look at them and say, "You're right. Where can I get an abortion at this point?" just to watch them spin. Unfortunately, there are those I know who would consider that comment as a dawning of logic and would set out to get me that information :glare:

 

Sick to death of the commentary.

[Aubrey]

I dunno. I'm having my second (and feeling that it is our last) and still feel a woman with more children is quite blessed. I ALWAYS wanted a dozen children. God had different plans.

 

I know people can have smaller families due to health/financial reasons, but I've known this guy & his wife since before they started having kids. The 3rd one was kind-of a freak-out surprise. I guess what I hear in his comment is, "I know we're *supposed* to think kids are a blessing, but...I'm glad for mine, glad for yours, glad our situations aren't reversed."

[astrid]

I'm glad it came across funny.

 

I know I have that issue sometimes, I don't know what to say. We have one by choice. I have nothing against having more than one child, two children, large families, etc. My dh is one of five, my mom one of eight.

 

Sometimes I don't know how to say "I respect your choice and I'm happy where I'm at too" without it sounding condescending or just stupid.

 

I agree.

 

And Aubrey, since he's such a good friend, perhaps he meant it as such: "Gee, I know you wanted a lot of children, and now you have a lot of children. Gee, you're really blessed. I'm glad you're happy!"

 

astrid

[astrid]

I'm kind of confused by that whole statement.

 

But whatever! I'm happy you're happy, and I'm happy he's happy, and wish you a happy gestation!

 

astrid

[Aubrey]

I'd rather hear that I'm blessed than insane. :glare: Regardless of the tone.

 

If one more person goes off on how I shouldn't be having another baby, how will I cope with a newborn 1 armed, what were we thinking, did we actually INTEND to become pregnant, I may end up on the news.

 

Or, I may look at them and say, "You're right. Where can I get an abortion at this point?" just to watch them spin. Unfortunately, there are those I know who would consider that comment as a dawning of logic and would set out to get me that information :glare:

 

Sick to death of the commentary.

 

Do what I do: don't talk to anyone. :lol:

 

I'm kidding--most of the people we've talked to have been nice to nice enough. I thought mil would flip, but she's #5 in her family & sometimes felt unwanted because of that, so she hasn't said a word. Her sis had 5 kids, & she's decided she's going to come once a week for the summer (she's a teacher w/ summers off) to help around the house. I'm pretty floored, actually, by the kindness of the women in our family at this point. Wordless, silent, just being there kind of kindness, which might be the best kind. Like we've got something dear & difficult that we're holding in common together.

 

But some of the medical professionals we've seen...have come across...in such a way that dh has thought on more than one occasion that we were being encouraged to consider abortion. :001_huh:

 

:grouphug: From your other posts about your families, I guess I don't expect them to come around, but here's hoping!

[Aubrey]

I agree.

 

And Aubrey, since he's such a good friend, perhaps he meant it as such: "Gee, I know you wanted a lot of children, and now you have a lot of children. Gee, you're really blessed. I'm glad you're happy!"

 

astrid

 

He used to be a close friend. Ten years ago. He's a nice guy, goofy, will say things that would be inappropriate from someone else.

 

This is the 1st time I've talked to him since #2 was born, & it's a FB conversation. Which is fine & friendly & all...it just kind-of cracked me up. Like the "Hihowareya?" that just means "hello." I'm like that. I overthink everything & sometimes the result makes me laugh.

 

"You're so blessed" is probably the polite thing to say, like "hihowareya." I don't mean to complain at all--just laugh. Not even at df, exactly...society, maybe. That we have these funny things we say to ea other.

[Crimson Wife]

Somebody could think babies are a blessing but still not want to have more than 3 children themselves. My mom is like that. She loves babies, absolutely thinks it's great when others have largish families, etc. But she didn't feel like she could personally handle having more than the 3 of us.

 

I admire the moms of big families & do think they're blessed. I just don't believe that I personally would be a very good mom to "6 under 7" or whatever. Maybe we'll get to 6+ kids eventually, but it would be more spread out and possibly via adoption. We pray about it, and are taking it one child at a time. :001_smile:

[Aubrey]

I'm glad it came across funny.

 

I know I have that issue sometimes, I don't know what to say. We have one by choice. I have nothing against having more than one child, two children, large families, etc. My dh is one of five, my mom one of eight.

 

Sometimes I don't know how to say "I respect your choice and I'm happy where I'm at too" without it sounding condescending or just stupid.

 

It's funny: I'm the same way. I was at Target last night w/ just my littles in my buggy--dh had the bigs at the other end of the store--& a lady started talking to me. She mentioned that she had 8, & in my head, I'm thinking, "WOW! That's a lot of kids! You don't meet people like that every day!" in a kindred-spirit kind of way. What came out was more like, "Wow! That's a lot of kids!" :lol: Only afterward does it occur to me that I don't have my total # tattooed on my forehead.

 

This, imo, falls into the category of small talk. One *has* to say *something.* Most of the people I'm friends w/ are like me: no clue WHAT to say in the small talk category. And the ones who DO know (like this friend): I overanalyze their words as if this were DEEP conversation. :lol:

 

Maybe I'm laughing at myself for overthinking as much as the social custom of polite commentary.

 

Me, otoh: my next question for the lady at Target was "Do you homeschool?" which launched her on a tirade about what's wrong w/ homeschooling. :001_huh: Oops. I bet she doesn't like people *assuming* that 8 kids = homeschooler. I was just hoping, you know. ;)

[Mom-ninja.]

I've decided to adopt my mil's response to things she doesn't know how else to respond to, "Oh, really?"

 

Then let the other person continue.

[Aubrey]

Somebody could think babies are a blessing but still not want to have more than 3 children themselves. My mom is like that. She loves babies, absolutely thinks it's great when others have largish families, etc. But she didn't feel like she could personally handle having more than the 3 of us.

 

I admire the moms of big families & do think they're blessed. I just don't believe that I personally would be a very good mom to "6 under 7" or whatever. Maybe we'll get to 6+ kids eventually, but it would be more spread out and possibly via adoption. We pray about it, and are taking it one child at a time. :001_smile:

 

Sorry...I didn't mean to come across critical of this family or small families *at all.* Any family that I knew less well, I don't think I'd make an assumption about the reasons behind their family size. (What a weird sentence that turned out to be!)

 

Really, it's just the small talk that makes me laugh. I don't think all people who use that phrase really MEAN it; they're sometimes just being polite for lack of something better to say. Which is good manners, really, & finding amusement in that is probably like shooting myself in the foot because I much prefer polite commentary to rude commentary.

 

We fall more into your camp, to be honest--we've always taken things one child at a time...although I guess we did agree we wanted at least 4 when we got married. But dr's told us we likely couldn't have more after #2. We've had one planned baby & 2 surprises since then, so I think things are working just fine. :001_huh:

[astrid]

Somebody could think babies are a blessing but still not want to have more than 3 children themselves.

 

Yes. This.

 

astrid

[Storm Bay]

It's funny: I'm the same way. I was at Target last night w/ just my littles in my buggy--dh had the bigs at the other end of the store--& a lady started talking to me. She mentioned that she had 8, & in my head, I'm thinking, "WOW! That's a lot of kids! You don't meet people like that every day!" in a kindred-spirit kind of way. What came out was more like, "Wow! That's a lot of kids!" :lol: Only afterward does it occur to me that I don't have my total # tattooed on my forehead.

 

This, imo, falls into the category of small talk. One *has* to say *something.* Most of the people I'm friends w/ are like me: no clue WHAT to say in the small talk category. And the ones who DO know (like this friend): I overanalyze their words as if this were DEEP conversation. :lol:

 

Maybe I'm laughing at myself for overthinking as much as the social custom of polite commentary.

 

Me, otoh: my next question for the lady at Target was "Do you homeschool?" which launched her on a tirade about what's wrong w/ homeschooling. :001_huh: Oops. I bet she doesn't like people *assuming* that 8 kids = homeschooler. I was just hoping, you know. ;)

:lol::lol::grouphug: It's hard to know what to say, isn't it? I'm very happy to see that you're having another and will stop here on that before I say something awkward, because I've done that myself:D.

[scrappyhappymama]

Well, whenever I get shocked or amazed comments on my family size or makeup (especially the all boys part), I usually reply with "Yes, I am very blessed!" So your friend's comment would not have bothered me at all.

 

I much prefer people to offer sentiments that reflect the blessing my children are to me rather than the more typical "that would drive me crazy/how do you do it?/better you than me" comments.

 

I never really know if their blessing comment is wistful because they didn't have as many (or any) children that they wanted, if they raised a similar number of children and are reminiscing fondly, if they have more children themselves but want to encourage anyone moving that direction, or are simply aware that all children are a blessing, regardless of how my family compares to theirs. In any case, I accept the blessing gratefully. :)

 

Of course, I do have family members and close friends who I know for a fact think we are a little crazy on this and many other issues, so yes, I would definitely read more into their comments as well. :D

[Mom22ns]

I agree.

 

And Aubrey, since he's such a good friend, perhaps he meant it as such: "Gee, I know you wanted a lot of children, and now you have a lot of children. Gee, you're really blessed. I'm glad you're happy!"

 

astrid

 

:iagree:

We have two. The oldest is autistic spectrum and while I had thought I would have more, we just found he required too much time and costly therapies. I am very happy with my two and not at all sorry, but I look at friends who wanted large families and have them and think that is a blessing for them.

[RoundAbout]

One mantra I adopted a while ago is to simply assume that people have good intentions unless they have proven different. It's too easy to "read in" to people's comments and behavior otherwise. It's very hard to know what to say, I get weird comments for only having and planning for one.

 

I also wanted to add that if there was a serious reason for my small family size like infertility or genetic issues or marital strife or whatever, that I wouldn't necessarily be sharing it with even close friends.

[Plucky]

A lot of kids scares some people. I used to have a 6, 3, 2, 1 year old. I freaked people out. 3 babies can be a lot. :)

 

Now that they are older, people are amazed in a good way when they see us out and about that we have such a good relationship. I think they are jealous sometimes. It will all work out, Aubrey.

 

Having that many littles was hard on me. I remember. We pulled out some old videos and I was oohing and ahhing about my babies, but they were always crying. I don't remember so much crying. LOL

 

Don't worry what other people think. Be happy! You are going to have a new little one soon. I am kind of jealous. I love babies.

[DarlaS]

Wrt # of kids. From someone who has far fewer. By very deliberate choice.

 

 

 

He's probably trying very hard not to be a jerk and ask when you're going to be done. :tongue_smilie:

 

Or maybe sometimes there's more to the story of someone's decision to be less blessed. You never know. Might he be slightly envious?

 

I don't want more than four currently. Really. But there was a time when I did--and very few people know how I really felt when dh went for the procedure... :001_unsure:

[Aelwydd]

I don't know what to say about his comment, except at least he didn't seem like he meant it in a mean way!

 

When I was pregnant with ds (and miserable), I resolutely promised myself I would never intentionally put myself through another pregnancy. It was too hard on my body, and felt there was no good reason to inflict that kind of damage on myself.

 

So, when I shared this with others who asked when I would give ds a sibling, I always got the same response, invariably: a smug, "Ooohh, you'll change your mind!"

 

Now, I wish I could find every annoying person who ever said that and tell them, "Look! 8 years later, and still not pregnant. Apparently, I wasn't making crap up when I said no more babies."

 

But you know, the effort would be wasted, cuz all they'd do is start commenting on how my poor ds is condemned to a terrible lonely life (of having his own room, his own toys, undivided attention from Mom and Dad, hockey, vacation trips, and oh yes, a pair of cousins who are like siblings to him).

 

No matter what choices you make, someone somewhere will follow you into a grocery check out line, and tell you the many ways in which they find fault with your life!

[astrid]

I don't know what to say about his comment, except at least he didn't seem like he meant it in a mean way!

 

When I was pregnant with ds (and miserable), I resolutely promised myself I would never intentionally put myself through another pregnancy. It was too hard on my body, and felt there was no good reason to inflict that kind of damage on myself.

 

So, when I shared this with others who asked when I would give ds a sibling, I always got the same response, invariably: a smug, "Ooohh, you'll change your mind!"

 

Now, I wish I could find every annoying person who ever said that and tell them, "Look! 8 years later, and still not pregnant. Apparently, I wasn't making crap up when I said no more babies."

 

But you know, the effort would be wasted, cuz all they'd do is start commenting on how my poor ds is condemned to a terrible lonely life (of having his own room, his own toys, undivided attention from Mom and Dad, hockey, vacation trips, and oh yes, a pair of cousins who are like siblings to him).

 

No matter what choices you make, someone somewhere will follow you into a grocery check out line, and tell you the many ways in which they find fault with your life!

 

OMG this is TOTALLY me. Pregnancy was SO hard on me--- major meds, four spinal taps (yes, four spinal taps!) and so much worry for my own health as well as that of the baby. During one trip to the ER, as he held me from the front as I tried not to move while vomiting into the emesis basin while the doc attempted a spinal tap :eek: DH literally begged me not to put myself through this again. It was very hard on him. There are a lot of other reasons why we stopped at one, but that's one of the biggies.

 

I know y'all think I'm a selfish wench, but there you are.

 

So yeah....I feel ya! :001_smile:

 

astrid

[*Inna*]

:lol:

 

Hey, it's better than "You DO know what's causing that?!"

[Plucky]

:lol:

 

Hey, it's better than "You DO know what's causing that?!"

 

When I was pregnant with #3 a German lady said to me, "In my day we didn't know how to prevent pregnancy!" Grrr. Then when I told her that I was expecting a boy. She said that my dd was going to be a rose between two thorns.

 

I was very nice to her (couldn't very well tear her hair out in the check out line in front of my kids, even though my hormones were crazy). She ended up being very sweet to me, but oh, the judgment some feel the need to pass & share!

[elegantlion]

I know y'all think I'm a selfish wench, but there you are.

 

So yeah....I feel ya! :001_smile:

 

astrid

 

I don't. I was a horrid pregnant person. I really think dh and I would have been divorced if we'd tried to have another child. Then I had issues from a previous surgery that made the doctor agree I should quit with one. We were happy with that decision. So I simply tell people the doctor suggested I not be pregnant again, it's her fault. :lol::lol:

 

Aubrey, it's facebook. I think he just didn't know what else to say. And you are blessed, for many more reasons that just the number of children you have/are having. ;)

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

This, imo, falls into the category of small talk. One *has* to say *something.* Most of the people I'm friends w/ are like me: no clue WHAT to say in the small talk category. And the ones who DO know (like this friend): I overanalyze their words as if this were DEEP conversation. :lol:

 

 

:iagree: This is me, over analyzing everything. And then I say something that has a different/deeper meaning in my head, but it dosen't come out like that and I end up offending someone and not even knowing it!

 

People think I'm crazy for wanting one more (we REALLY want a little girl!) considering I almost died both times I was pregnant. And I hear a lot from my grandmother-in-law that I couldn't handle another one :glare:

 

I would rather hear that another one would be a blessing than "you're crazy."

[Storm Bay]

No matter what choices you make, someone somewhere will follow you into a grocery check out line, and tell you the many ways in which they find fault with your life!

 

:iagree: And I've also been in a few situations with people who had large families with certain beliefs where I felt I had to explain why I have only 3 dc and not more. I truly do think that large families can be wonderful, but so can small families.