Chris in VA Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 My husband is so good at compartmentalizing so he can continue to function. He's almost too good at it--but I'm just not. The situation with my son has me alternating between dealing ok with it and getting really anxious. Any tips on putting thoughts and feelings aside for a little bit to be able to focus on what's necessary? I know I can give it to the Lord, and I have...maybe I keep taking it back! lol But I mean in more of a psychological way. I just want to get thru the day without wailing bent over in the garage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Oh, Honey. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Not everyone is built the way your dh is. Some would say you've got the healthier coping skills, b/c you're dealing with the emotions and not cramming them down and inside. Sounds like you're wanting to change who you are in the midst of crisis, that you think you should be managing differently. You're exactly who you are, and that person is darn special, imo. Only thing I'd suggest is a good counsellor to help you manage your way through. :grouphug: I really like the person you are. Sorry if I've read this wrong, but that's what came to mind. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 How about just focusing on one thing at a time- whatever you are doing, just focus on it, and don't try to do more than one thing at a time. When you finish one thing, move onto the next thing. Stay busy but not manic. If I have emotional stuff going on I tend to clean or declutter, or go for a walk. Guys can be good at compartmentalising but also at shutting out their feelings. And they are just built differently anyway. You can only be yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSMom2One Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I am sending you a pm, Chris. :) You WILL get through this, you really will! Blessings, Lucinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 When I'm dealing with hard stuff, I tend to work through a to do list. Once, when I got to the end of it, I took up knitting washcloths. The other time I got to the end of it I painted the porch. When the anxious feelings come up while I'm working, or when I'm in bed at night, or first thing in the morning, I work through them by having a dialogue similar to this: [anxious/out of control/worried feelings pop up] JudoMom, you cannot control the outcome of this. God is in control. But, what if [x, y, or z] happens? JudoMom, if [x,y, or z] happens, God will still be in control. And he is good. But that will hurt so much. I really don't like it. JudoMom, God is good and he is faithful. What is the worse that can happen? (the most anxious feelings I've had have related to health issues in myself and my middle son, so the answer in these situations is death) JudoMom, you know that God is in control. He knows how many days you (or ds8) have on this earth. He isn't surprised by any of this. He knows what will happen in 5 minutes, and he knows what will happen tomorrow or 6 months from now. He loves you, he is good and faithful. No matter what happens, he will give you the grace you need at those moments. He will take care of you, and he will take care of dh and the boys. This goes on until my logical side overtakes the emotional side and the anxiousness subsides. Often I cry, but I try to turn those cries into crying out for my Lord and Savior. He knows pain, and he knows suffering. He understands, and he wants me to rest in him. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry that you're going through this, Chris. I wish I lived closer so I could give you a real hug, and lend you a real life listening ear. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen in VA Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Chris, you've had some awesome responses so far. You are handling this the way you would handle it - you are not a compartmentalizer. That makes you the sensitive, kind person you are. I handle things very much the same way JudoMom does. I just have to keep reminding myself that God is in control no matter how many times it takes. Also, remember that God is good and that he is infinite. From our vantage point we cannot imagine how He will turn our problems into good things, but He will. He loves you, cherishes you, delights in you. His main purpose for you is to shape you into the image of His dear Son. This experience is doing that even if you cannot grasp just how right now. And, like Peela said, just do the next thing. And, as you probably already know and are probably already doing, keep praying. I find singing hymns helps focus my mind when things are falling apart. Be Still My Soul by Catharina von Schlegel, 1752 Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side. Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain. Leave to thy God to order and provide; In every change, He faithful will remain. Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end. Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake To guide the future, as He has the past. Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake; All now mysterious shall be bright at last. Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below. Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart, And all is darkened in the vale of tears, Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart, Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears. Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay From His own fullness all He takes away. Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on When we shall be forever with the Lord. When disappointment, grief and fear are gone, Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored. Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past All safe and blessed we shall meet at last. Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise On earth, be leaving, to Thy Lord on high; Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways, So shall He view thee with a well pleased Eye. Be still, my soul: the Sun of Life Divine Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Chris, I tried to pm you, but your box is full. I am looking for an answer to the same question. I don't want to go into details on here, but you already know some of it. It has gotten worse and is going to be coming to a head tomorrow at 4:00 a.m. my time. I just wanted to offer :grouphug: from someone else who is hiding in the closet to cry today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise On earth, be leaving, to Thy Lord on high; Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways, So shall He view thee with a well pleased Eye. Be still, my soul: the Sun of Life Divine Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine. Wow, I love this verse! For some reason it's not included in the version that I have learned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Chris, I tried to pm you, but your box is full. I am looking for an answer to the same question. I don't want to go into details on here, but you already know some of it. It has gotten worse and is going to be coming to a head tomorrow at 4:00 a.m. my time. I just wanted to offer :grouphug: from someone else who is hiding in the closet to cry today. :grouphug::grouphug: to you, Tammy. Chris, I don't know, you've got some great answers. On a practical level sometimes I just disconnect and watch a silly movie. When you're raw from pain sometimes it's hard to find the right funny movie, as nothing really seems funny. When you find it, it feels good to laugh. :grouphug::grouphug: Thinking and praying for you and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvnlattes Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 How about just focusing on one thing at a time- whatever you are doing, just focus on it, and don't try to do more than one thing at a time. When you finish one thing, move onto the next thing. Stay busy but not manic. :iagree: This is what worked for me when I was going through a particularly hard time. So when I was in the shower and the tears would start streaming down my face I would try to remember, "Just do the next thing," and I'd wash my hair. Instead of curling of up into a ball and sleeping the day away so I wouldn't have to think (that's what I really wanted to do), I'd remind myself "just do the next thing." It might have been emptying the dishwasher, reading a chapter out loud to everyone, helping a son with schoolwork, whatever the next thing was that needed to be done in that moment. I did have to consciously remind myself when the thoughts started spinning but somehow, getting through each little thing got me through the day, which helped me to know that I could get through the next day the same way. :grouphug: and prayers to you, Chris. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I have to work really hard at staying "in the moment". This doesn't mean I don't think about things I need to deal with later, but once I have thought it through (and have a plan, or there is nothing else to think about) I move on. Thinking about something over and over doesn't do anyone any good, and only leads to anxiety and stress. Here's what works well for me: Remember that there are things out of your control - other people's actions, or illnesses, for example. Try to really invest yourself in whatever you are doing at the time - and remember that you are doing it because it is important and deserves your attention. Try to make a plan, and then tell yourself that now that a plan is made, there is nothing else to think about. Obviously this is more difficult with some things - but even with, say - my DH's deployments and missing him horribly- I think it through, allow myself a bit of sadness, decide what I will do to pick myself up, and that's it. I refuse to let myself wallow in it. I'm not saying you're wallowing - but it's the only "mental" example I can think of. Anyway - I have a severe anxiety disorder. I'm on Welbutrin - but the Welbutrin can't work on its own - I really have to make an effort to do those steps - and they have really helped me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 My husband is so good at compartmentalizing so he can continue to function. He's almost too good at it--but I'm just not. The situation with my son has me alternating between dealing ok with it and getting really anxious. Any tips on putting thoughts and feelings aside for a little bit to be able to focus on what's necessary? I know I can give it to the Lord, and I have...maybe I keep taking it back! lol But I mean in more of a psychological way. I just want to get thru the day without wailing bent over in the garage. Lists help me stay focused. But for the emotional stuff I had to finally just say "Enough, I don't need to hear all of this now. I can talk with you another time but right now I need to be done with this line of conversation. " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Chris, I tried to pm you, but your box is full. I am looking for an answer to the same question. I don't want to go into details on here, but you already know some of it. It has gotten worse and is going to be coming to a head tomorrow at 4:00 a.m. my time. I just wanted to offer :grouphug: from someone else who is hiding in the closet to cry today. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I will be praying for you, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwg Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 :grouphug: I do not know your situation but I do have plenty of situations where it is difficult for me to compartmentalize. My husband too is very good at it. Kinda doesn't seem fair :tongue_smilie: I took a class :D And one thing they talked a lot about was mindfulness and staying in the moment. On a practical level (from what I remember LOL) it meant to make a list of a few things that need to be done, decide what I was going to do, and then focus on just that....so i feel like an idiot but if it is dishes I think "now i am picking up the plate, and pay noting how heavy it is, how it feels, and now i am putting it down and do that for each and every dish. If my mind goes to something else, that is ok but try to picture the though on a conveyor belt like it is just going on down the line...i don't have to dwell type thing. Even when I walk from place to place try to focus on how it feels when my foot hits the ground. I guess it gives my brain something else to chew on besides the crisis. :grouphug: Sorry you are having a hard time. :grouphug: HTH and makes sense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Nothing to add to the advice you've already gotten, just more :grouphug:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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