VERY frustrated...need to vent...MIL related.

[5LittleMonkeys]

So things have been going just okay with MIL. She is very depressed and won't do anything to keep herself busy. She wants me to take her to Walmart daily, which I don't. She gets upset everytime I tell her that she can't do something...like invite the neighbor kids over to swim in our little pool when I'm not home and left my oldest in charge with explicit instructions that no one was allowed to come over (and yes, I told MIL this rule). She also has a habit of putting open containers of half eaten food in the fridge and I told her to please use rubbermaid containers. That caused her to yell at me and tell me that she wasn't a child.:confused: She has been trying to "parent" my dc and gets very short with them if they try to explain to her that mom said they could do this or do that. She hovers over me all day and when I suggest an activity for her or ask if she'd like a light chore to do she'll go sulk in her room.

 

So, MIL went back to FL for a two week visit with her youngest child (M) almost two weeks ago. While there she had a couple dr.'s appointments that were scheduled back before FIL died. She wanted to see her doctors one last time before we set her up with doctors here. One of the appointments was for a head scan. They told M that MIL has the beginning stages of Alzheimer's and dementia (which explains a lot of her behavior...but a lot of her behavior is just the way she has always been).

 

M said that the visit has gone badly. She said that MIL has said she hates living here, that we aren't kind to her and begged to let her live with her. M told her she would (without discussing it with us) but they have been fighting constantly during the visit, MIL refuses to wear her trach cap, refuses to eat right, tells M that no one loves her or wants her, snaps and yells at her dc and also left the water running in the bathroom right before they went out and upon returning found that there was 3 inches of water in the bathroom and two adjoining bedrooms. MIL immediately blamed one of M's dc. Even after this M kept telling MIL that she was probably going to let her stay and even started interviewing people to come in twice a week to take MIL shopping, to bingo...just basically babysit her so that M could get a break from her. They were arguing about this too because MIL doesn't want to have to pay for it. So Thursday I called M and she told me she was keeping MIL and we would make arrangements for her to get her things. I tried to get her to reconsider but she said she felt it was for the best. Yesterday morning she called me and said that now MIL is telling her that she doesn't want to live with her (becuase they got into another argument) and so she was going to send her back. I told her that we all (her, my dh, me, my other sil and bil) all needed to get onto a conference call to decide what was best since its obvious MIL can't make that decision and that whatever decision was made needed to be final. She agreed and after an hour everyone concurred that MIL could stay there but that she would need to go into a full time care facility within 6 to 8 months if not sooner depending on her behavior.

 

Later, like only two hours later, she called back saying that they had gotten into another argument and that she couldn't deal with it. My dh got on the phone with her, they exchanged some ugly words (there has always been a lot of animosity between them because of past issues - one of which caused us to disallow her to have any contact with our dc for almost two years) and he finally told her that regardless of what MIL said she wanted, M was to put her back on the plane to come back to us on Tuesday as originally planned.

 

He tried to talk to his mom twice and she hung up on him both times. We haven't heard from either of them since yesterday. I don't know if M will put her on the plane or not. Dh said that if she doesn't send her home on Tuesday then we are washing our hands of both of them, blocking their numbers and moving on with our lives. I told him that at this point I wished he would just tell both of his sisters that we are done now and let them hash it out. He said he doesn't feel right doing that because he originally took on the responsibility of taking her in.

 

So now I don't know whether I'm going to be able to give my dc back their room and be able to get our lives back to normal or if I'm going to be faced with a bitter woman who has beginning Alzheimer's and dementia, can't be left alone, and who has told both of her other daughters that she can't stand living with me because I have too many rules. What I thought was going to be a positive experience in our lives (taking on an elderly parent and making her remaining years comfortable and joyful) has turned out to be one of the most stressful things I've had to deal with. Dh and I are snapping at each other, the dc are stressed because they can sense something is very wrong, I have had a migraine since yesterday morning and we were supposed to start our full school schedule on Monday.

 

From what I've heard, I don't want an Alzheimer's patient living in a house with 5 dc but I have no idea if she even qualifies for enough $ to pay for a nursing home...or if that's even where we would need to place her.

 

I'm exhausted just thinking about this...I have so many things I needed to get done this weekend and I don't think I can concentrate on doing any of it. I really, really just hate this situation. Thanks for letting me vent...

 

For those who want to know the back story here and here. I warn you though it is long.

[kalanamak]

Geri-psychiatrist. The "memory" drugs for Alz are not that great, and have significant side effects, but sometimes an anti-depressant or a whisper of Seroquel can REALLY make a difference, making the person easier to deal with.

 

:grouphug: I know this field well, and it is tough, tough, tough, but geri-psych has really done wonders with many people. It really helps if the sibs can circle the wagon. Is there a trusted person who can lay options on the line (a geriatric social worker, e.g.), because you folks can not make mother "happy". She wants to be young and normal, and the part of her that wants this is the very part that is failing (her brain).

[Veritaserum]

Oh, Aime. :grouphug: I'd want to wash my hands of it, too, but I guess I see why your dh feels like he needs to follow through with his original offer. However, the sibling conference call was supposed to be final and I think it should be. Can you talk to your husband about strategies to keep your dc and home safe while living with a person with Alzheimer's and dementia? That would worry me, too.

[jelbe5]

Hi Aime,

 

I remember reading the initial post and all the drama that surrounded the situation and I wondered how things were going. I don't have any advice to offer, but I do have this: :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I hope your part in this situation is soon resolved . . .

[meggie]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry for all that stress. I hope it can be worked out soon.

[nono]

:grouphug:

 

Check the elder laws in the state she's in and where you are. County/state level information. It may be that it is best to have her where she lived for awhile, as she's established residency. It does sound like dementia or alzheimers to a pedestrian like me who's seen it in 4 folks now. And, you need to have a plan in place for when you can no longer handle it at home (either yours or another siblings'). That's why you need to know the laws and assistance that's available on a state and county basis.

 

Only advice I will give you is to try to make a deal among your peers in the situation not to use absolutes. The dynamic will change frequently, and your MIL is the one who will be crazy, difficult and scattered. The rest of you can't be.

 

:grouphug:

[DianeW88]

I feel your pain, and I worry that I may be in your shoes in a year or so. My MIL has NPD and has always been extremely difficult to deal with. She is in complete denial about her financial status and I'm sure will soon be losing her home. She won't let us help her with anything and legally, there is nothing we can do. "Stupid decisions" do not make one "mentally incompetent" according to the law.

 

I think you should just wash your hands of the whole situation right now. Alzheimer patients are very difficult to deal with in the beginning and middle stages of the disease and she will require ALL of your attention. They also tend to do things like turn on a burner and not turn it off. My FIL did that before he was put in a nursing home and almost burned the house down. They can also become very belligerent, angry and mean. Yelling at your dc and calling them names or even physically striking them is not out of the realm of possibility. Ask me how I know. :glare: They also tend to run away...frequently...which is dangerous to your MIL. We found my FIL once trying to cross a busy street when he escaped.

 

As a mother of young kids, your primary responsibility is to them. I would begin looking into Medicaid and getting your MIL placed in a facility where they are trained and equipped to care for her many needs. It's a difficult road, but under no circumstance would I suggest a young family take on the care of an Alzheimer patient. You are simply not equipped. No need for guilt either. If your MIL had a physical ailment beyond the capacity of home care, you wouldn't hesitate to hospitalize her. This is the same situation, only it is her brain that is failing. Do what is best for her and you. Get her the help she needs in a professional facility.

[Danestress]

I am so sorry. I could write a book.

 

First of all, the brain changes of Alzheimer's can start 20 years before it's diagnosed. So it becomes really hard sometimes to know whether "this is the way she's always been" or whether our parents were having very early initial brain changes. It's probably about as messy, complicated, painful, guilt covered, and humbling as life can get. BTDT. The first time I read that the signs can be there so early and so hidden, I cried. It really explained a lot.

 

I remember when you MIL moved up to live with you and everyone felt the younger sister was really selfish to not have Mom move in. And while I am very very happy that I was involved in my father's daily care, and I felt a lot of peace that I did my best despite a lot of pain, sadness, and personal failure at times on my part, I really can understand why anyone might not feel able to take that on. I didn't blame SIL at all. It's so hard and so complicated. Taking on in-home care of someone with even early dementia is just HARD. And when that person is your parent, the relationship can have years of love/hate/guilt/resentment/duty. You can't just put a smiley face on it, you know? It strips you to the emotional bones.

 

I would love to talk about this more and to offer you support. You are going through just really one of the hardest things in life. It's SO hard. And of course, your MIL is going through something ten times harder, and that's hard to know, too. I am really reliving some very hard times just writing this out ((((((friend))))).

 

I guess I would just say this. No one gets to wash their hands of this. None of her children can do that, and you have to all agree about that. You can't let your DH do that. You have to pray for each other and really try to understand each other. These things are dreadfully hard and fracture the best of sibling relationships. So if the relationship had already been hard, you have to work very hard to keep it civil. You have to have great love and mercy for yourself, your DH, you in-laws. Because all of you are going through private hell.

 

Even if you can't deal with the SIL (and some people are impossible to deal with) you and your DH need to figure out how you can support MIL without having to interact too much with her. Maybe that means that you pay for housekeeping or a sitter for MIL. Maybe it means your DH takes a weeks vacation to visit assisted living facilities.

 

Or if MIL ends up with you, your siblings in-law need to do the same for you. They need to offer help and not undue criticism. They may need to offer money. They need to let go of past hurts and accept that if you are caring for MIL, you are bearing and incredible burden and are entitled to a lot of grace and mercy. Whoever is caring for MIL needs to take the legal action to get control of her finances and then you need some kind of team approach to spending the money for her own care. You can't be in a position of having to get MIL's agreement to spend money for her care.

 

When my Dad was in his last years, I used to sometimes read on an Alzheimer's caregiver board online. Anyone reading this who is feeling overwhelmed by Mom burdens should read a bit of that. I always left feeling like "Man, I have it SO easy."

 

Anyway, I am rambling. I am so sorry you are going through this. (((((Hugs)))))

[Mommy22alyns]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[5LittleMonkeys]

Right now we suspect that my sil might not even send her back, not because she truly wants to take care of her but to get back at my dh because he demanded she send her back.

 

I've made it very clear to dh that IF she comes back we are taking her immediatley to a doctor here to find out what stage she is at and what there recommendations are. I've also explained that I will put the well being and safety of our dc before her and before his sense of responsibility to his mother. As soon as she starts exhibiting the slightest bit of violence, which imo would include yelling or screaming at my dc (which she hasn't done yet) she is going into some type of facility. We are researching right now all of the options for that. Finding out what $ she qualifies for, what facilities in our area are options, etc.

 

Dh wants to try to make this as positive as possible by showing our dc how to be compassionate even when the person doesn't seem to want to be helped. He wants them to know that when you make a commitment its until the end, not just until it gets to be too inconvenient. I have mixed emotions about that and wonder if he would feel the same way if it weren't his mom.

 

I know that in the end he will put the dc first, right now his emotions are just really raw. In the last two months he has gone through a lot with his family, several people in the AF lab were he works are causing him grief and the whole base is facing a layoff in October that he is not immune to. I wish I could wash it all away for him and am trying not to add to his stress by being a whiney wife who's patience for his family are reaching their limit. That's why I'm whining to all of you.:D

[Tarreymere]

I I've also explained that I will put the well being and safety of our dc before her and before his sense of responsibility to his mother. As soon as she starts exhibiting the slightest bit of violence, which imo would include yelling or screaming at my dc (which she hasn't done yet) she is going into some type of facility. We are researching right now all of the options for that. Finding out what $ she qualifies for, what facilities in our area are options, etc.

 

 

Please don't forget that there are many things she could do that would endanger herself or endanger your children without her becoming the least violent. It is very common for people with her diagnosis to turn on a stove burner and walk away and forget about it, for example. She may decide to go for a walk and forget her way back. A professional familiar with Alzheimer's should be able to evaluate her and let you know what to expect and what you will most likely see next. You may decide that her irritability alone is too difficult to cope with in your home while you are trying to raise your children and that is certainly okay. :grouphug:

[5LittleMonkeys]

Danestress, thank you so much for reliving painful memories to try to help me out. I'm literally an emotional wreck right now and have been swinging from a deep feeling of compassion and pity to an overwhelming feeling of anger and frustration.

 

What you say in your post about everyone working together to do what is best for MIL would be ideal but unfortunately the youngest SIL isn't someone who we can work with. If she ends up keeping MIL she won't allow anyone to interfere in how she handles things. She will ofcoarse want to call up and complain about what a sacrifice she is making and will constantly flip flop back and forth about wanting to keep her, not wanting to keep her. But its all just talk; she likes to keep the whole family stirred up. This is the way she has always operated. She is an RN and worked for twelve years as a Hospice nurse so she probably knows what she's getting into. If she would allow us to help we would but I'm not holding my breath on that one.

 

I guess right now its just all the unknowns that are frustrating. If MIL comes back with "early stage Alzheimer's" how long can I expect her to be able to live with us until she has to go into a care facility? If she is on medications what are the side effects? What do I do with her all day when I'm teaching for 6 to 8 hours a day? What do I do when I need to go somewhere and I'm leaving my oldest one one or more of my other dc home? I know I can get these answered by the doctor...I'm just typing out some of the things that are running through my head.

[kalanamak]

 

She will ofcoarse want to call up and complain about what a sacrifice she is making and will constantly flip flop back and forth about wanting to keep her, not wanting to keep her. But its all just talk; she likes to keep the whole family stirred up. This is the way she has always operated. She is an RN and worked for twelve years as a Hospice nurse so she probably knows what she's getting into.

 

She probably has the best handle on resources, then.

 

Screen your calls.

 

Offer to come "babysit" if she takes a two week vacation in Europe to help.

 

Yes, try to be "the rock" for you hubby (and kids). :grouphug:

[5LittleMonkeys]

Please don't forget that there are many things she could do that would endanger herself or endanger your children without her becoming the least violent. It is very common for people with her diagnosis to turn on a stove burner and walk away and forget about it, for example. She may decide to go for a walk and forget her way back. A professional familiar with Alzheimer's should be able to evaluate her and let you know what to expect and what you will most likely see next. You may decide that her irritability alone is too difficult to cope with in your home while you are trying to raise your children and that is certainly okay. :grouphug:

 

I have thought of those things. I guess I'm more willing to deal with those things since she won't ever be left alone; someone will always have to monitor her. We may have to hire someone to come in and help with that since there are going to be times that my whole family wants to go somewhere that might not be conducive to her. I'm not sure about at night time though. How would I keep her from leaving her room...ugh I hadn't thought of that!

 

Ugh, ugh, ugh, the more I think about what is actaully going to be involved I wonder how on earth I'm going to be able to deal with this...so much to consider.

[tex-mex]

Geri-psychiatrist. The "memory" drugs for Alz are not that great, and have significant side effects, but sometimes an anti-depressant or a whisper of Seroquel can REALLY make a difference, making the person easier to deal with.

 

:grouphug: I know this field well, and it is tough, tough, tough, but geri-psych has really done wonders with many people. It really helps if the sibs can circle the wagon. Is there a trusted person who can lay options on the line (a geriatric social worker, e.g.), because you folks can not make mother "happy". She wants to be young and normal, and the part of her that wants this is the very part that is failing (her brain).

:iagree:

 

My hub's side of the family dealt with Alzheimer's -- paternal grandfather, uncles, aunts, and it never ended kindly. The beginning stages that docs see for a dx -- in reality begin years before anyone thinks there is a problem. And it only gets worse. I highly rec the family get a mediator like a geriatric social worker for options.

[fairfarmhand]

first of all I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My own mother passed in Jan. after a long physical and mental decline. I feel that I grieved for her before she ever passed because she wasn't herself for a long time, then I grieved again after she actually died. It is SO hard.

 

There are elderly "day cares" that provide daily care for older folks. That might be an option. You may want to install chimes on her bedroom door and window so you will know if she leaves her room at night. Chimes on your outer doors might not be a bad idea as well. My dad used a baby monitor for years with my mom. Taking the stove knobs off the stove could be something to do for safety.

 

I definitely think your kids need to know a bit about the issues. They need to know that this is a disease that changes people and her ugliness is likely not about them at all, it is the disease talking. They do need to know that you and your dh are under stress and you love each other very much, you are just trying to figure out the stuff with Grandma.

 

Really I am so sorry for you. This is such a hard thing.

[melmichigan]

I hate to say but if SIL is an RN with hospice experience she may very well know what she is getting into, and if she's willing I would certainly let her retain care. I would then routinely screen your calls for your own well being while setting up family conference calls to deal with any decisions your SIL would like input with (if any) and any future placement. :)

 

Alzheimers manifests as a very complex set of behaviors that will be different at different times and with different people. There are reasons beyond just the stove burner that Alzheimers units are lockdown with many many restrictions to protect the patients within, it is very unpredictable, and can be very dangerous.

 

If you do opt to take back care then I would definately discuss with the physician and social workers all the steps you will need to take to protect your family as well as MIL.

Edited June 25, 2011 by melmichigan

[tex-mex]

 

I know that in the end he will put the dc first, right now his emotions are just really raw. In the last two months he has gone through a lot with his family, several people in the AF lab were he works are causing him grief and the whole base is facing a layoff in October that he is not immune to. I wish I could wash it all away for him and am trying not to add to his stress by being a whiney wife who's patience for his family are reaching their limit. That's why I'm whining to all of you.:D

What your dh is experiencing is normal for all you've been thru.

 

He has to deal with the grief and now his mother with early stage Alzheimer's. But the manner in which he expresses his rage, grief, etc -- you will have to tolerate. Explain to your dc what is going on the kindest way possible. Their dad still loves them. But this is a big issue for him and his siblings to deal with. You cannot solve this for him.

 

What you can do is be supportive the best you can. Tolerate the emotions and realize he is not angry at you or the kids. But he is grieving. Time will heal him. You unfortunately will bear the brunt of trying to deal with all of this and I am not going to lie to you... it will take a toll on you in spirit and physically. This is a battle. But you can do this. Family sticks together, no matter what. :grouphug:

[newbie]

I am going to be in your shoes in one month. We have lived in a rental w/MIL in basement- full setup. So we have been basically living our own lives. Which works, no stepping on toes.

 

But, now we are moving and I do not think I can handle her. I really think its going to get ugly. I am uber clean and she is uber dirty.

 

The other day I walked in on her taking the trash out of one trash bag and tranferring to another w/her bare hands. I am still recovering from that. I even think she was thinking about using some of the stuff I threw out, sorry. Maybe I am hallucinating.

 

Anyway, I just think seperation is key. I keep telling dh to put her in a seperate apt. I think it will save us all grief.

[Impish]

If MIL comes back with "early stage Alzheimer's" how long can I expect her to be able to live with us until she has to go into a care facility? There's honestly no way to predict this. The other complicating factor is (here anyways) there are waiting lists for facilities that can accomodate dementia patients. Her staying with family will have her at the bottom of the list, and others being bumped ahead of her according to need, not time on the list. Its considered that she's safe, vs those that may be living on their own, or with spouses that are also elderly and less able to physically manage the demands.

 

What do I do with her all day when I'm teaching for 6 to 8 hours a day? Good question. Chances are, hsing will suffer. She's going to need increasing support, care, and supervision. Best solution would be an adult day program for her to attend.

 

What do I do when I need to go somewhere and I'm leaving my oldest one one or more of my other dc home? You cannot leave her with your eldest. It would be unsafe for her and your children. There's no way of predicting behaviour. She could take off, become hostile, violent, all without warning. Not a situation you can leave your child to deal with on their own.

 

My MIL has NPD. We've also wondered about Alzheimer's b/c her behaviour can be so erratic, and she has a sib that's in a locked ward with the dx of Alzheimer's. That automatically puts her at much higher risk.

 

I've point blank refused to have her live with us. Everything else aside, I simply cannot guarantee anyone's safety if she does have Alzheimer's. And its not something I can risk. And I have training and yrs of experience working with ppl w/dementia, both in facility and home care settings.

 

You'd need to put alarms on all exits. Lock up all meds, knives, chemicals. Be aware that paranoia is part of the behaviour, which in itself can provoke angry outbursts, even physical ones.

 

Its a very, very challenging situation for adults to deal with. Not something that, to be honest, I'd advise a family with young children to take on. Being on call 24/7 is what's needed to ensure safety as the disease progresses, and even now, b/c its impossible to predict when that line will come, so hypervigilance begins now. Very hard to manage that while still having little ones at home.

 

I'm sorry. I wish I could say its just an adjustment period, all will settle down, etc...but with this dx, there is no settling down, b/c there's no predictability. :grouphug::grouphug:

[OrganicAnn]

I would not have your MIL fly alone anymore. If she is in the early stages of dementia, she may not be able to handle it. I traveled with an elderly relative in the last year, and with all the new screening and what not, it was clear to me that she would not have been able to handle the traveling alone.

 

I think you need to find the same supports that your SIL was looking into. Find someone to drive MIL to the store, the beauty shop, etc.

 

Also look into day programs for seniors. And also be prepared for the next stage which is a assisted living facility.

[5LittleMonkeys]

Thanks to everyone. It helps to hear other's experiences. I'm thinking it so I'm just going to say it because I know you all will understand.

 

I have this faint hope that my sil will keep her.:sad:

[Dana]

:grouphug:

[Robin M]

*hugs* I have one suggestion. If she isn't ready to go into a care facility... My grandmother couldn't get along with any of her kids. She was always mean and condescending to my mom, just didn't get along. My father and his siblings hired a caregiver to take care of her in a place of her own. It seems like if you can't immediately get her into a senior assisted facility soon, then this would be the other option.

 

None of you have the time, capability to care for her and also go on with your lives. Your hubby is placing too much stress on you, expecting you to care for her along with everything else while he is gone at work. Due to her illness, the best thing is assisted care or a home. I wouldn't let your sister in law insist on taking it all on with her attitude. It just isn't worth the stress. Yes, her children feel a certain responsibility since she is their parent, but their is only so much to be done. Sounds like she can't be left alone for any period of time and due to the illness, can't remember or follow anyone's instructions.

 

Do what's best for you and your family. It's a hard thing but instead of waiting several months, do it now.

 

There isn't any shame in any of her kids (your husband, etc) admitting they just can't do it.

[brehon]

Dh wants to try to make this as positive as possible by showing our dc how to be compassionate even when the person doesn't seem to want to be helped. He wants them to know that when you make a commitment its until the end, not just until it gets to be too inconvenient. I have mixed emotions about that and wonder if he would feel the same way if it weren't his mom.

 

 

I just wanted to address the bit I bolded because others have explained very well the realities of dealing with an Alzheimer's/dementia patient. Your dh has an admirable goal; unfortunately, in this instance, it isn't a realistic one. I'm not sure he fully comprehends the enormity of taking care of a patient with Alzheimer's.

 

In this case I think your dh should realize (for himself) and emphasize (for your kids) that plans can and do change when realities change. And it is not quitting or reneging on an obligation to understand that sometimes the best way to honor a commitment is to realize that one can't do the work oneself and look to appropriate outside sources for help. This is most especially true for patients with Alzheimer's and/or dementia.

 

Please reread everyone's response (especially Imp's) or have your dh read the responses. Many people have trod this hard, hard road. Good luck with everything.