Can you lose your love or joy for an activity b/c of someone else's actions?

[unsinkable]

Can you lose your love or joy for an activity b/c of someone else's actions?

 

This is semi-hypothetical. :tongue_smilie:

 

For example: A young boy gets cut unexpectedly from his travel soccer team. He practices all winter with an older team but the coaches think he is just not ready to play on the team during games for the season. He is still welcome and encouraged to practice with the team every week.

 

This young boy, who loved soccer, who eagerly went all winter, now says, "What is the point?" when it is time for soccer practice.

 

He still plays for a rec soccer team and eagerly goes to those games & practices. But the team has been pummeled every game so he gets down afterwards about soccer in general. Until the next rec team practice, then the cycle starts again.

 

Can outside forces take your joy away?

 

Or was the joy never really there?

 

Or losing the joy you had a not-unusual reaction to a tough situation?

[QuirkyKapers]

I think that if you are working toward a goal, and it never seems like you are going to reach it, it can be discouraging. Don't know if that helps or not.

[Dmmetler]

If someone makes it obvious that your best effort isn't good enough, than yes. I had a horrible piano teacher for me for this reason. She was convinced I was some sort of prodigy, put a lot of pressure on me, and I became nearly paralyzed at the slightest mistake. It took four years of piano in college, having gone back many levels, for me to get through that hump enough to pass my proficiencies without freezing up-and it took until about 2 years ago for me to start enjoying playing piano as opposed to it being something I had to do as part of my job.

 

Other people did wonderfully with the same teacher, and she had many, many students go on into professional music careers and love playing piano. She just plain was wrong for me.

 

 

I've been trying to decide what to do when my DD next moves up in dance for that reason-her current teacher is very supportive and encouraging, but only teaches the pre-ballet levels. The ballet teacher is very, very good, but she reminds me a lot of my former piano teacher-she gets the girls to a high level, but also is very, very high pressure and it's a rare week when one of the teenagers in her most advanced class doesn't come out in tears or near to it (even though they'll also tell you just how wonderful the teacher is)-I'm out in the hall waiting for DD's class to witness this. DD's current teacher says that she's ready to move up to Ballet 1 in the fall-but I'm not sure that this would be a good thing-she'd be moving up on the young side for that class, and I know DD folds under criticism and pressure quite easily. It might be that the instructor is able to adjust to 6 yr old beginners vs 16 yr olds who are often applying for summer intensives and auditioning for roles in local productions-but it still makes me nervous.

[TracieT]

Absolutely!!! I don't think people (in general) realize how situations and our actions can affect others so deeply.

 

This is all one reason I am choosing to homeschool. I KNOW all it takes is one bad situation to destroy a child's spirit for learning. And I think it can be that way for any love or curiosity a child has....same for adults!

[unsinkable]

I think that if you are working toward a goal, and it never seems like you are going to reach it, it can be discouraging. Don't know if that helps or not.

 

Yes, it helps! thanks!

[unsinkable]

If someone makes it obvious that your best effort isn't good enough, than yes. I had a horrible piano teacher for me for this reason. She was convinced I was some sort of prodigy, put a lot of pressure on me, and I became nearly paralyzed at the slightest mistake. It took four years of piano in college, having gone back many levels, for me to get through that hump enough to pass my proficiencies without freezing up-and it took until about 2 years ago for me to start enjoying playing piano as opposed to it being something I had to do as part of my job.

 

Other people did wonderfully with the same teacher, and she had many, many students go on into professional music careers and love playing piano. She just plain was wrong for me.

 

 

I've been trying to decide what to do when my DD next moves up in dance for that reason-her current teacher is very supportive and encouraging, but only teaches the pre-ballet levels. The ballet teacher is very, very good, but she reminds me a lot of my former piano teacher-she gets the girls to a high level, but also is very, very high pressure and it's a rare week when one of the teenagers in her most advanced class doesn't come out in tears or near to it (even though they'll also tell you just how wonderful the teacher is)-I'm out in the hall waiting for DD's class to witness this. DD's current teacher says that she's ready to move up to Ballet 1 in the fall-but I'm not sure that this would be a good thing-she'd be moving up on the young side for that class, and I know DD folds under criticism and pressure quite easily. It might be that the instructor is able to adjust to 6 yr old beginners vs 16 yr olds who are often applying for summer intensives and auditioning for roles in local productions-but it still makes me nervous.

 

Your piano story makes me so sad!

 

It sounds like you might wait a year for your DD for ballet. Is that an option?

[unsinkable]

That would get me down.

 

yeah. no doubt.

 

It is hard to know what to do. If he stops going to the practices, his chances of ever getting on a travel team again will be close to zero. But he doesn't know if he is OK with that or not (probably not playing travel again.)

 

Thanks.

[unsinkable]

Absolutely!!! I don't think people (in general) realize how situations and our actions can affect others so deeply.

 

This is all one reason I am choosing to homeschool. I KNOW all it takes is one bad situation to destroy a child's spirit for learning. And I think it can be that way for any love or curiosity a child has....same for adults!

 

I agree with you...on the one hand.

 

But then on the other hand, there is the idea that if we really want something, we push on no matter what. And that we don't let other people dictate how we feel.

 

It is really hard.

 

Thank you for the reply!

[bettyandbob]

absolutely. A series of negative events converged in my life recently and it's been hard for me to enjoy the one activity that I always loved--an activity that has been a constant in my life since a very young age. I'm dealing, but I never expected to feel so much pain from an activity that was a source of child hood fun, adult stress relief and generally my "happy place". I think if the events were associated with another activity it would have been easier to deal.

 

If I were a child who worked hard all winter to try out again and was cut again it would be a serious blow. If I were the parent, I would encourage him to continue to play at the rec level, but also encourage him to try other stuff (assuming playing rec level allows more time and money to try other stuff). He may find something else he is passionate about.

[Lara in Colo]

Yes!!

 

My mother can suck the joy out of chocolate!

[unsinkable]

absolutely. A series of negative events converged in my life recently and it's been hard for me to enjoy the one activity that I always loved--an activity that has been a constant in my life since a very young age. I'm dealing, but I never expected to feel so much pain from an activity that was a source of child hood fun, adult stress relief and generally my "happy place". I think if the events were associated with another activity it would have been easier to deal.

 

If I were a child who worked hard all winter to try out again and was cut again it would be a serious blow. If I were the parent, I would encourage him to continue to play at the rec level, but also encourage him to try other stuff (assuming playing rec level allows more time and money to try other stuff). He may find something else he is passionate about.

 

I am sorry about your situation, betty. :grouphug:

 

I don't want this to sound like an excuse but he knew before he started the winter training it was a long shot for him making the team. he still wanted to try. But then I think maybe at his age (12) it still too much to ask.

 

Thanks!

[unsinkable]

Yes!!

 

My mother can suck the joy out of chocolate!

 

:lol: I've never heard that expression before.

[TracieT]

I agree with you...on the one hand.

 

But then on the other hand, there is the idea that if we really want something, we push on no matter what. And that we don't let other people dictate how we feel.

 

It is really hard.

 

Thank you for the reply!

 

Think how hard that is for adults....pushing no matter what and not allowing others to dictate how we feel. I'm not quite sure most children have that ability.

[Abigail4476]

Sure. When that happens, I vote for moving on to a new interest. In the meantime, a soccer ball being kicked around the yard with neighbor kids might be able to restore the joy of the game without the pressure.

[snickelfritz]

There are the people who get beat over and over and keep going and persevere. I think, however, that most people need some encouraging events mixed in there. ESPECIALLY kids. I'd expect a college or pro player to work through those setbacks better than a 10 year old. (even some pro players pitch fits about losing seasons being everyone else's fault:))

 

My dd's soccer rec league reconfigures the league from fall to spring. All teams are together in the fall. They play a team once or twice. In the spring, they split into A and B leagues and play the teams 2-3 times. I love this. A team that loses every Fall game gets put into a B league, where they have a better chance of winning. The team that wins every game gets put into the A league, with a better chance of losing.

[Ester Maria]

The responsibility for giving up when one loves something, in my view, is exclusively on the one who gave up - even though I can see how it can be discouraging to be faced with a lot of negativity, one can take it either way, as a challenge or as a stumbling block, in many cases it is a conscious decision. However, I do think that it takes a certain level of emotional maturity for that, which is why in general I am in favor of a somewhat "lighter" pedagogy with younger children.

[I talk to the trees]

absolutely. A series of negative events converged in my life recently and it's been hard for me to enjoy the one activity that I always loved--an activity that has been a constant in my life since a very young age. I'm dealing, but I never expected to feel so much pain from an activity that was a source of child hood fun, adult stress relief and generally my "happy place". I think if the events were associated with another activity it would have been easier to deal.

 

 

 

This describes my life in a nutshell right now. For me, practicing and trying to push past the negativity has only made me more acutely aware of what I have lost, so I have been throwing myself into other activities.

 

I think for a child, perhaps a goal date should be set. Keep at it, work hard, and give it your all. If, say, this time next year, he's still not where he wants to be, maybe it's time to look for a new sport -or activity- just something that he *can* succeed in. Even a small success can work wonders for the ego, and provide the encouragement to continue to work hard.

[angela in ohio]

I would try to help him see another side of it. He can really help those rec kids on his team out if he has better skills than they do. Helping someone else can sometimes restore joy in something. :001_smile:

 

I also try to prep them for unrealistic expectations. My 13 yo tried out for the city's high school youth symphony, and I prepped her very well to not make it, because she was young and had only been taking for less than a year. Technically, they had every reason not to take her, so we looked at it as a long shot, but she still worked hard, because she enjoyed it and it was worth it for the sake of learning. I do think expecting something and not getting it can really throw you, but similar to what Ester Maria said, ultimately the way you respond is your choice. So I would say that the other person't actions didn't cause the loss of love.

 

But I know that even as an adult, others can almost kill the joy of things for me. It is like quicksand, and it takes a lot to get out of it sometimes.

[simka2]

Yes! If there is enough pain attached to the experiences, that particular form of love will be outshined by the negative feelings. It will be so eclipsed as to cancel out the positive feelings previously associated with it.

 

Thankfully, there are some ways to "trick" your emotions. I used to love to paint. During the worst of what happened in our church the Pastor also had me paint a particular piece for our satellite campus. A few days after I completed the painting all hell broke loose. I do not paint like that anymore. I can't. It is triggering. On the otherhand I have found different mediums for artisitic expression.

 

One thing that is interesting. I cannot paint that particular stryle, but since moving towards conversion to EO I have been able to paint Icons. There is no baggage with those :D. (and it has been years, sometimes it just takes time)

[Beetkvass]

Absolutely. My father is a heartless nag and criticizer. I developed a love for gardening as a teen. He never said anything nice just constantly told me my plants were "dying" etc. He nagged and nagged and criticized. He did the same thing with my kids as well. Every time I saw him he asked ridiculous questions like if I'd fed, bathed or changed their diaper. He treated me as if I was a completely incompetent moron who could not be trusted to take care of their own child. He genuinely stole a lot of my joy as a parent in the beginning by asking those kinds of questions. And then always telling me how whatever I was doing I was doing wrong and how he did it better. He made everything miserable for me as a child and sucked the joy out of it.

[5LittleMonkeys]

I agree with you...on the one hand.

 

But then on the other hand, there is the idea that if we really want something, we push on no matter what. And that we don't let other people dictate how we feel.

 

It is really hard.

 

Thank you for the reply!

 

This is true but what age hypothetical person are we talking about? The bolded above is something we learn over time and then as an adult we can apply this logic\lesson, but to a child, especially one who hasn't had this happen before, it can be very hard to understand and disheartening.

[mcconnellboys]

I have seen similar things happen to my children with regard to sports. A coach with a poor attitude, who may berate the children, also can cause them to begin to dislike something they once loved. We talk about it at length and try to refocus them....

[In The Great White North]

There are tons of ways for the joy to be sucked out of whatever it is you love.

 

Yes, you can persevere in spite of everything, but that does not mean it still has the joy it once had, even if you persevere on to greatness.

 

Sometimes, given enough time, the joy comes back.

[TracieT]

Absolutely. My father is a heartless nag and criticizer. I developed a love for gardening as a teen. He never said anything nice just constantly told me my plants were "dying" etc. He nagged and nagged and criticized. He did the same thing with my kids as well. Every time I saw him he asked ridiculous questions like if I'd fed, bathed or changed their diaper. He treated me as if I was a completely incompetent moron who could not be trusted to take care of their own child. He genuinely stole a lot of my joy as a parent in the beginning by asking those kinds of questions. And then always telling me how whatever I was doing I was doing wrong and how he did it better. He made everything miserable for me as a child and sucked the joy out of it.

 

:grouphug: My FIL is very similar with my dh. Not with the other 3 kids, just dh. Dh is 35 and FIL seems to be getting even worse. Unfortunately for FIL, that means he's going to miss out on a relationship with his grandsons because I will not allow that sort of behavior with my children. They live 6 hours away, which is good, but I can see that even at 35 it really hurts my dh.

[mommymilkies]

..

[lcelmer]

If someone makes it obvious that your best effort isn't good enough, than yes.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

This is true in many areas, not just interests. Work, housework, hobbies, etc.

[Sputterduck]

Yes, absolutely. I just shared a bit of my story in another thread.

 

Sometimes things we love get tangled with negative emotions. Also there are perfectionists who lose joy in something if they can't be among the best. I have that particular fault, unfortunately.

[unsinkable]

Sure. When that happens, I vote for moving on to a new interest. In the meantime, a soccer ball being kicked around the yard with neighbor kids might be able to restore the joy of the game without the pressure.

 

True. Thanks!

[unsinkable]

There are the people who get beat over and over and keep going and persevere. I think, however, that most people need some encouraging events mixed in there. ESPECIALLY kids. I'd expect a college or pro player to work through those setbacks better than a 10 year old. (even some pro players pitch fits about losing seasons being everyone else's fault:))

 

My dd's soccer rec league reconfigures the league from fall to spring. All teams are together in the fall. They play a team once or twice. In the spring, they split into A and B leagues and play the teams 2-3 times. I love this. A team that loses every Fall game gets put into a B league, where they have a better chance of winning. The team that wins every game gets put into the A league, with a better chance of losing.

 

That's cool about the rec league.

 

here, it's mostly Catholic grammar schools that put together teams then join the rec league so the same kids stay together season to season.

[unsinkable]

The responsibility for giving up when one loves something, in my view, is exclusively on the one who gave up - even though I can see how it can be discouraging to be faced with a lot of negativity, one can take it either way, as a challenge or as a stumbling block, in many cases it is a conscious decision. However, I do think that it takes a certain level of emotional maturity for that, which is why in general I am in favor of a somewhat "lighter" pedagogy with younger children.

 

Thanks. Great food for thought.

[unsinkable]

This describes my life in a nutshell right now. For me, practicing and trying to push past the negativity has only made me more acutely aware of what I have lost, so I have been throwing myself into other activities.

 

I think for a child, perhaps a goal date should be set. Keep at it, work hard, and give it your all. If, say, this time next year, he's still not where he wants to be, maybe it's time to look for a new sport -or activity- just something that he *can* succeed in. Even a small success can work wonders for the ego, and provide the encouragement to continue to work hard.

 

Good luck w/your issue!

 

A goal date sounds interesting!

 

 

Thanks!

[unsinkable]

I would try to help him see another side of it. He can really help those rec kids on his team out if he has better skills than they do. Helping someone else can sometimes restore joy in something. :001_smile:

 

I also try to prep them for unrealistic expectations. My 13 yo tried out for the city's high school youth symphony, and I prepped her very well to not make it, because she was young and had only been taking for less than a year. Technically, they had every reason not to take her, so we looked at it as a long shot, but she still worked hard, because she enjoyed it and it was worth it for the sake of learning. I do think expecting something and not getting it can really throw you, but similar to what Ester Maria said, ultimately the way you respond is your choice. So I would say that the other person't actions didn't cause the loss of love.

 

But I know that even as an adult, others can almost kill the joy of things for me. It is like quicksand, and it takes a lot to get out of it sometimes.

 

Great advice. We did tell him (before winter) to think of it as a chance to play soccer and have a great coach...then the icing on the cake would have been to make the team.

 

 

Thanks

[unsinkable]

Yes! If there is enough pain attached to the experiences, that particular form of love will be outshined by the negative feelings. It will be so eclipsed as to cancel out the positive feelings previously associated with it.

 

Thankfully, there are some ways to "trick" your emotions. I used to love to paint. During the worst of what happened in our church the Pastor also had me paint a particular piece for our satellite campus. A few days after I completed the painting all hell broke loose. I do not paint like that anymore. I can't. It is triggering. On the otherhand I have found different mediums for artisitic expression.

 

One thing that is interesting. I cannot paint that particular stryle, but since moving towards conversion to EO I have been able to paint Icons. There is no baggage with those :D. (and it has been years, sometimes it just takes time)

 

:grouphug: That situation of yours really put you thru the wringer.

 

Thanks for sharing!

[unsinkable]

Yes, it's definitely possible to have the joy gone. We have a boy on our high school swim team. He's a dreadful swimmer, but for the most part, has worked fairly hard. However, he's just not co-ordinated and once again, when new boys who hadn't put in the work of summer swimming (which he's done for years) start, they are faster than he is. This boy wasn't picked to go to State, though his best friend (my ds) was. It was picked off of times (of course) and the boy was crushed. Because he wasn't able to go to State, he didn't letter. I don't know if he'll swim again. I don't know what the answer is--you hate to see them give up an activity (the only one this boy does other than Scouts) but at the same time, if they will never be on the A relay...

 

Poor guy.

 

Thanks for the story!

[unsinkable]

Absolutely. My father is a heartless nag and criticizer. I developed a love for gardening as a teen. He never said anything nice just constantly told me my plants were "dying" etc. He nagged and nagged and criticized. He did the same thing with my kids as well. Every time I saw him he asked ridiculous questions like if I'd fed, bathed or changed their diaper. He treated me as if I was a completely incompetent moron who could not be trusted to take care of their own child. He genuinely stole a lot of my joy as a parent in the beginning by asking those kinds of questions. And then always telling me how whatever I was doing I was doing wrong and how he did it better. He made everything miserable for me as a child and sucked the joy out of it.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: OMgosh, I am so sorry. I wish I could give you a real hug! :grouphug:

[unsinkable]

This is true but what age hypothetical person are we talking about? The bolded above is something we learn over time and then as an adult we can apply this logic\lesson, but to a child, especially one who hasn't had this happen before, it can be very hard to understand and disheartening.

 

The hypothetical person might be about 12. :lol:

 

You are right about it being hard to understand and disheartening for him.

 

Thanks.

[unsinkable]

I have seen similar things happen to my children with regard to sports. A coach with a poor attitude, who may berate the children, also can cause them to begin to dislike something they once loved. We talk about it at length and try to refocus them....

 

Thanks. I can certainly talk at length. :lol:

[unsinkable]

There are tons of ways for the joy to be sucked out of whatever it is you love.

 

Yes, you can persevere in spite of everything, but that does not mean it still has the joy it once had, even if you persevere on to greatness.

 

Sometimes, given enough time, the joy comes back.

 

Wow. Lots to think about here, not just about my "hypothetical" situtation.

 

Thank you!

[unsinkable]

Yes. I lost my love of violin for awhile. I started learning a few years ago after wanting to start my whole life. My dh walked in when I was practicing, asked for my violin, told me that "this was so easy, why can't you get this?" and acted like I was an idiot because everyone knows what C sounds like. I cried and almost never touched my violin again. A teacher doing that I could forgive, it really cut coming from my husband.

 

:grouphug: That's really too bad! I'd love to learn to play some instrument.

 

It sounds like you found a way to keep playing, though. Great for you!

 

Thanks

[unsinkable]

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

This is true in many areas, not just interests. Work, housework, hobbies, etc.

 

I'd stop doing any housework if someone criticized me! :lol:

 

I know that might not be a realistic option but still...

[unsinkable]

Yes, absolutely. I just shared a bit of my story in another thread.

 

Sometimes things we love get tangled with negative emotions. Also there are perfectionists who lose joy in something if they can't be among the best. I have that particular fault, unfortunately.

 

Thanks. I'll look for that other thread!

[unsinkable]

Thanks everyone!

 

I tried to answer everyone at least once.

 

Great WTM advice as usual! Lots to think about.

 

:grouphug: