RainbowSprinkles Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Last night I went out with a friend of mine. I had this planned since Sunday. My MIL had some family over yesterday and apparently she was upset that I didn't stay. I came home from the movie and she tells me that she was EMBARRASSED that I didn't stay. She said she would have changed the plans, had she known. I said well I had my plans since Sunday and no one told me about yours until the day before. Wouldn't you think that if you make plans that includes other people, that you would make sure these people have nothing else planned?? I never knew my presence was this wanted. She never asked to make sure I had no other plans. I just don't see how someone can be upset over something like that when essentially she just didn't plan it well and assumed I was just going to be available. Thanks for listening!! We are leaving her place tomorrow and are packing up today. THANK YOU LORD!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Have a safe trip home! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Her problem. Don't make it yours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brightside Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 I can relate. My MIL is flying into town for a visit. She did not call/email, etc before purchasing her tickets and her only grandson is going to be away at the Civil Air Patrol encampment for her entire visit. She wanted him to change it....like he could. Planning is not just a city in China....yeesh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Thanks for listening!! We are leaving her place tomorrow and are packing up today. THANK YOU LORD!!! :hurray: I know you're so ready to be home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 I can relate. My MIL is flying into town for a visit. She did not call/email, etc before purchasing her tickets and her only grandson is going to be away at the Civil Air Patrol encampment for her entire visit. She wanted him to change it....like he could. Planning is not just a city in China....yeesh. Sounds to me like she needs to pay the $$$ to change her ticket dates. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Bleck...She should have asked you ahead of time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brightside Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Sounds to me like she needs to pay the $$$ to change her ticket dates. :) :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Ug. My mil does that all the time. She seems to forget that A. We are adults with our own lives and plans and B. There are 11 of us here to plan around which means she better C. Give at least a couple weeks notice, if not more if she wants to make it on the calendar. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tohru Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 :grouphug: OH! My MIL does this ALLLL the time, and she lives in town. It's so annoying. We make plans ahead of time and she expects us to cancel our plans for her spontaneous ideas. It's the most annoying when we are obviously on our way out the door and she doesn't call, but shows up and expects us to come back in and make coffee or something. Arghh! Thank goodness you can pack and leave! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brightside Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Thank goodness you can pack and leave! :lol: I am glad mine lives in another state for this reason. Drive fast but safe OP!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 I can relate. My MIL is flying into town for a visit. She did not call/email, etc before purchasing her tickets and her only grandson is going to be away at the Civil Air Patrol encampment for her entire visit. She wanted him to change it....like he could. Planning is not just a city in China....yeesh. My MIL informs ppl when she's coming...and staying with them. She doesn't ever ask. This is the first year ppl actually grew a set and told her no. Uh, in my culture, when you are staying in another family's home, it is considered good manners to let them know your plans in advance. Gives them a chance to plan to get a few things done while you are out and gives relatives who are a little more last-minutey a chance to catch up with ya. Have a nice trip. OP said she did tell ppl on Sunday about her plans, MIL sprung the new ones afterwards. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 OP said she did tell ppl on Sunday about her plans, MIL sprung the new ones afterwards. This can be a passive-aggressive move on her part. It forces you to either change your plans to suit her (power!) or let's her sulk and be embarrassed (emotional power!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Last night I went out with a friend of mine. I had this planned since Sunday. My MIL had some family over yesterday and apparently she was upset that I didn't stay. I came home from the movie and she tells me that she was EMBARRASSED that I didn't stay. She said she would have changed the plans, had she known. I said well I had my plans since Sunday and no one told me about yours until the day before. Wouldn't you think that if you make plans that includes other people, that you would make sure these people have nothing else planned?? I never knew my presence was this wanted. She never asked to make sure I had no other plans. I just don't see how someone can be upset over something like that when essentially she just didn't plan it well and assumed I was just going to be available. Thanks for listening!! We are leaving her place tomorrow and are packing up today. THANK YOU LORD!!! I bolded the part I was referring to. ETA: Get what you're saying...that there's no mention of her specifically telling the MIL about them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 We'll have to wait for the OP to clarify. Her OP says she had plans; it says nothing about sharing those plans with her MIL in advance and it does state that the MIL stated she would have changed if she had known about the OP's plans. Communication is a two way street and the more, the better. Either way, coming from the perspective of someone who is farther along in life, I'd encourage you all to appreciate what you have and improve on it before you have nothing but a picture or two and a memorial marker. I do agree that as a guest, I should give the heads up on plans. If no heads-up had been given, I would have been embarrassed if I'd specifically asked relatives to come and see some out-of-town family and the guests of honor didn't appear! If heads-up had been given, I stand with my "passive-aggressive" diagnosis. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Interesting how cultures are so different.:001_smile: Hope the rest of the pregnancy goes well for the OP It is interesting. My MIL, for example, thinks that as the guest, she has the right to dictate to everyone what they can, cannot, will, will not do during her visits. Including inviting ppl to the home without telling the host. And getting bent out of shape if we're not available 24/7, at 60 seconds notice. Woe betide those that don't answer the phone if she decides she wants us to come get her without notice! And she wasn't even staying with us, except for 2 wknds out of 6 wks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 It is interesting. My MIL, for example, thinks that as the guest, she has the right to dictate to everyone what they can, cannot, will, will not do during her visits. Including inviting ppl to the home without telling the host. And getting bent out of shape if we're not available 24/7, at 60 seconds notice. Woe betide those that don't answer the phone if she decides she wants us to come get her without notice! And she wasn't even staying with us, except for 2 wknds out of 6 wks! Imp, your MIL has a gold medal in the Passive-Aggressive Games. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Imp, your MIL has a gold medal in the Passive-Aggressive Games. She wins something, anyways. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Imp, your MIL has a gold medal in the Passive-Aggressive Games. I'm telling you Imp you need to write a book!:lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 I'm telling you Imp you need to write a book!:lol: I'd have to label it 'fiction' cause nobody would believe me! :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainbowSprinkles Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 I know some of you were wondering: Yes, my plans had been known since Sunday. Not once did MIL mention I HAD to be there. Instead she chose to let me go with my plans and tell me how she feels after the fact. I still feel no one should be making plans for you without asking. I don't make plans for other people without asking them, so I guess I expect them to do the same. We all have lives and plans. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainbowSprinkles Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 Have a safe trip home! :D Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainbowSprinkles Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 Uh, in my culture, when you are staying in another family's home, it is considered good manners to let them know your plans in advance. Gives them a chance to plan to get a few things done while you are out and gives relatives who are a little more last-minutey a chance to catch up with ya. Have a nice trip. My plans had been known since Sunday night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainbowSprinkles Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 We'll have to wait for the OP to clarify. Her OP says she had plans; it says nothing about sharing those plans with her MIL in advance and it does state that the MIL stated she would have changed if she had known about the OP's plans. Communication is a two way street and the more, the better. Either way, coming from the perspective of someone who is farther along in life, I'd encourage you all to appreciate what you have and improve on it before you have nothing but a picture or two and a memorial marker. Really?!? Do you think you are the only one who "is further along in life"? How do you come to the conclusion that you know about everyone's life experiences? I, for one, have enough behind me that I know when something is worth keeping in your life and when it isn't. If MIL wasn't dh's mother I wouldn't have her in my life, knowing what kind of person she is. I deal with it because she is his mother. Furthermore, I don't point out to her things I don't like about her that she says and does, that bother me because I know my stay here is temporary and it's not worth it. She is the one who feels it is necessary to do so. I don't feel comfortable staying in her home and she makes dang sure of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Really?!? Do you think you are the only one who "is further along in life"? How do you come to the conclusion that you know about everyone's life experiences? I, for one, have enough behind me that I know when something is worth keeping in your life and when it isn't. If MIL wasn't dh's mother I wouldn't have her in my life, knowing what kind of person she is. I deal with it because she is his mother. Furthermore, I don't point out to her things I don't like about her that she says and does, that bother me because I know my stay here is temporary and it's not worth it. She is the one who feels it is necessary to do so. I don't feel comfortable staying in her home and she makes dang sure of it. [/color] :iagree:You're certainly a better woman than I. I refuse to have my MIL in my life at all, even though she is DH's mother. And I have lost both my own parents, so I know all about perspective, photos and memorial markers. Some people, some relationships, are just not worth the trouble they cause in the lives of their 'loved ones'. :grouphug: and Congratulations on getting through this far. Cassy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 I, for one, have enough behind me that I know when something is worth keeping in your life and when it isn't. If MIL wasn't dh's mother I wouldn't have her in my life, knowing what kind of person she is. I deal with it because she is his mother. Furthermore, I don't point out to her things I don't like about her that she says and does, that bother me because I know my stay here is temporary and it's not worth it. She is the one who feels it is necessary to do so. I don't feel comfortable staying in her home and she makes dang sure of it. [/color] :grouphug: I get what its like to have someone in your life that you wouldn't have around b/c of your spouse. Totally, completely, and utterly. Esp when they seem to go out of their way to ensure they're as difficult, disruptive, and stressful as possible. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Ug. My mil does that all the time. She seems to forget that A. We are adults with our own lives and plans and B. There are 11 of us here to plan around which means she better C. Give at least a couple weeks notice, if not more if she wants to make it on the calendar. My biggest issue, as another large family, is that they (FIL/SMIL) want us to travel to visit them...when it's cheaper for them to visit us, they have the money, and they have the vacation days....ugh! Needless to say, we haven't seen them, other than skyping, in over five years and they have yet to meet three of their grandchildren in person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JVA Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 I'd have to label it 'fiction' cause nobody would believe me! :lol: Oh- I'd believe it was true- and so would many others. I have a sil who is emotional out to lunch like this. After jumping hoops and negotiating through her nonsense, for nearly 25 years, we've had to cut contact. Yes, to others in the family- we're the 'black sheep'. We've just decided to live with boundaries and direct our own lives w/o her crazy interference. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 (edited) I know some of you were wondering: Yes, my plans had been known since Sunday. Not once did MIL mention I HAD to be there. Instead she chose to let me go with my plans and tell me how she feels after the fact. I still feel no one should be making plans for you without asking. I don't make plans for other people without asking them, so I guess I expect them to do the same. We all have lives and plans. So, if I have a house guest I expect to entertain them, and I expect them to be around, mostly. If they make a LOT of plans to the extent that I can't expect them for anything approaching participation in ours, I feel very used and taken for granted. If they make a few plans here and there, and take mine into account, that's great. I like to know about this in advance, and I like them to know about what I have in mind as well. In making plans with them, I like to offer them some local attractions to consider, and then to make arrangements for us to see them, mostly together. That seems to me to be the way to be a good hostess. I guess I think that there is a balance to be drawn. People don't have to live in each others' pockets to be good visitors, but there should be a basic assumption that they mostly came to see the host family, who should also graciously either show them around, enable them to see others who are in the area, and give them a little space. So that's the background for this question--were you a good houseguest? (It sounds like you probably were, but I think you should ask yourself that.) And then the follow on question would be--what should your MIL have done instead? Should she have told you not to leave? If she had, wouldn't you have felt imposed on and disrespected? Should she have changed the night of the gathering? (Could she, even?) And another question to consider--is this a difficult family group to get together, with people generally failing to respond to invitations in a timely manner, and only doing this kind of thing at the last minute when they can manage it? In that case it would be very polite, though not required strictly, to change your plans to another night, since a movie with one other person seems inherently more easy to flex than a gathering of a large group that is presumably delighted to see you. Or to ask that the other person be included in the gathering would be a nice compromise as well. I can imagine that your MIL was embarrassed by the idea that you are not as close as she thinks would be right or desirable, and this was made evident to her extended family. Or maybe she was embarrassed because she messed up and no one covered for her. Or maybe she was embarrassed because she has NPD and thinks that everything is All About Her. In any case, if you were a good houseguest you should move on. If you weren't you should change and maybe apologize. Edited June 2, 2011 by Carol in Cal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainbowSprinkles Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 (edited) So, if I have a house guest I expect to entertain them, and I expect them to be around, mostly.If they make a LOT of plans to the extent that I can't expect them for anything approaching participation in ours, I feel very used and taken for granted. If they make a few plans here and there, and take mine into account, that's great. I like to know about this in advance, and I like them to know about what I have in mind as well. In making plans with them, I like to offer them some local attractions to consider, and then to make arrangements for us to see them, mostly together. That seems to me to be the way to be a good hostess. I guess I think that there is a balance to be drawn. People don't have to live in each others' pockets to be good visitors, but there should be a basic assumption that they mostly came to see the host family, who should also graciously either show them around, enable them to see others who are in the area, and give them a little space. So that's the background for this question--were you a good houseguest? (It sounds like you probably were, but I think you should ask yourself that.) And then the follow on question would be--what should your MIL have done instead? Should she have told you not to leave? If she had, wouldn't you have felt imposed on and disrespected? Should she have changed the night of the gathering? (Could she, even?) And another question to consider--is this a difficult family group to get together, with people generally failing to respond to invitations in a timely manner, and only doing this kind of thing at the last minute when they can manage it? In that case it would be very polite, though not required strictly, to change your plans to another night, since a movie with one other person seems inherently more easy to flex than a gathering of a large group that is presumably delighted to see you. Or to ask that the other person be included in the gathering would be a nice compromise as well. I can imagine that your MIL was embarrassed by the idea that you are not as close as she thinks would be right or desirable, and this was made evident to her extended family. Or maybe she was embarrassed because she messed up and no one covered for her. Or maybe she was embarrassed because she has NPD and thinks that everything is All About Her. In any case, if you were a good houseguest you should move on. If you weren't you should change and maybe apologize. Well, we've spent over three weeks here and last night was the only time I had made plans to go out with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time. As I've said before, my plans were made known to her 3 days beforehand. On the other hand, my dh had plans on his own three times and she did not have anything to say about that. Before or after. The family that was over, was just over a week and a half before then when she had a big family get together. So no, they are not hard to get together with. One of the them actually only lives two houses down from her. I do not feel that I was wrong for going out this one time on my own. ETA: My dh was there with the kids. I made sure he was with them, so that she wouldn't have to babysit them. Edited June 2, 2011 by RainbowSprinkles Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Re: your other thoughts regarding your MIL Are you going by your cultural norms? Is it your culture that the DIL does not speak to the MIL and wishes her dead, or do you have a responsibility to find the spark of goodness that was behind your dh's upbringing, and cultivate a relationship that honors your husband, brings peace while visiting, and sets a family example to your children? Best wishes. Where did anyone wish a MIL dead? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Well, you certainly knew your plans, and you state someone made the plans known to your MIL three days in advance. However, the sixty-four million dollar question is: Did you, as a long term house guest, graciously inform the hostess of your personal plans in advance? Re: your other thoughts regarding your MIL Are you going by your cultural norms? Is it your culture that the DIL does not speak to the MIL and wishes her dead, or do you have a responsibility to find the spark of goodness that was behind your dh's upbringing, and cultivate a relationship that honors your husband, brings peace while visiting, and sets a family example to your children? Best wishes. Apparently your cultural norm is to be rude to people and then to wish them the best?:confused: Many people have wonderful relationships with their inlaws and parents. Many do not. Of those who do not, some are the problem. For some, the problem is the other person. The OP has answered questions about her behavior (very graciously, btw) and has satisfied my curiosity that she was a good guest /family member who wanted to get together with a long time friend and let her MIL know ahead of time. MILs do make choices - including putting themselves in the position of being a martyr, as apparently this one has done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainbowSprinkles Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 Well, you certainly knew your plans, and you state someone made the plans known to your MIL three days in advance. However, the sixty-four million dollar question is: Did you, as a long term house guest, graciously inform the hostess of your personal plans in advance? Re: your other thoughts regarding your MIL Are you going by your cultural norms? Is it your culture that the DIL does not speak to the MIL and wishes her dead, or do you have a responsibility to find the spark of goodness that was behind your dh's upbringing, and cultivate a relationship that honors your husband, brings peace while visiting, and sets a family example to your children? Best wishes. Is it your culture to tell people rudely how you feel and then send them best wishes? I did not say I wish her dead. I said if I had a choice I would not have someone like her in my life. Two completely different things. P.S. What culture do you think I'm from? I'm curious to know based on you keep bringing up the word... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainbowSprinkles Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 Apparently your cultural norm is to be rude to people and then to wish them the best?:confused: Many people have wonderful relationships with their inlaws and parents. Many do not. Of those who do not, some are the problem. For some, the problem is the other person. The OP has answered questions about her behavior (very graciously, btw) and has satisfied my curiosity that she was a good guest /family member who wanted to get together with a long time friend and let her MIL know ahead of time. MILs do make choices - including putting themselves in the position of being a martyr, as apparently this one has done. Thank you, Jean. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 I don't care how far someone lives from me, three weeks is too long to stay with three kids and a pregnant wife, and your DH needs to remember this. One week, max. Absolutely max. Even if you drive cross country, make the driving more fun. Give yourselves a few extra days coming and going, and enjoy the trip. But don't spend 3 weeks there. That is just too long, and it's probably too long for your MIL too. Even for my mom, who is loving and adoring and really very welcoming, I just think it would have stressed her out if we came for that long. She wouldn't say so. Next year, your DH needs to go by himself - or take the two oldest and leave you and the youngest. Or something. Or he and his Mom could take a trip together and just see you and the kids for a bit. But three weeks? I bet you will never do THAT again, lol. I know this is probably cultural. I know other people will not post about how three weeks is really acceptable. But I honestly don't think I could do it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 I know other people will not post about how three weeks is really acceptable. But I honestly don't think I could do it! me neither... three days is my max. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 me neither... three days is my max. "Fish and houseguests smell after 3 days" - Benjamin Franklin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainbowSprinkles Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 My cultural norm is up front discussion, without a big emotional to-do. In your culture, that may be called 'rude', but in mine, it's not. I'm wishing the lady the best b/c she's pregnant, has been in a spot she doesn't want to be for three weeks and that's rough. I appreciate the conversation, the honesty, and the opportunity for insight. Well, I wasn't brought up to tell people how it is without thinking about consequences or that it might be hurtful. As for you wishing me the best because I'm pregnant? Please save it. You wishing me the best after being rude isn't going to change the fact that you were rude. (I find you rude, even if you think you're being "nice"). And since you took the time to come back to my thread and shower it with more rude comments, please take the time to answer my post in regards to yours about being "further along in life". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainbowSprinkles Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 I don't care how far someone lives from me, three weeks is too long to stay with three kids and a pregnant wife, and your DH needs to remember this. One week, max. Absolutely max. Even if you drive cross country, make the driving more fun. Give yourselves a few extra days coming and going, and enjoy the trip. But don't spend 3 weeks there. That is just too long, and it's probably too long for your MIL too. Even for my mom, who is loving and adoring and really very welcoming, I just think it would have stressed her out if we came for that long. She wouldn't say so. Next year, your DH needs to go by himself - or take the two oldest and leave you and the youngest. Or something. Or he and his Mom could take a trip together and just see you and the kids for a bit. But three weeks? I bet you will never do THAT again, lol. I know this is probably cultural. I know other people will not post about how three weeks is really acceptable. But I honestly don't think I could do it! I know!! It's not my choice. I'm here because my dh hasn't been home in 5 years due to being military and I want him to be able to be with them of course. And yes, I will never stay at anyone's home for any longer than a week again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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