neat freaks HELP!

[JennifersLost]

I am not a neat freak. I enjoy a clean house as much as anyone and feel pretty proud of how much cleaner I keep my house than in my early 20s, but.....

 

Dh grew up with a neat freak mom, and is a neat freak himself. Not with his stuff, mind you....but with everything else. I think he was trained from birth to walk into a room, scan it, and criticize anyone present about what is out of place, messy or "wrong".

 

When dh found that criticizing me led to marital trouble, he began to give to kids all the jobs I wasn't getting to fast enough for him, and now he criticizes them for what's wrong.

 

I am at my wit's end. We have discussed this endlessly - he's not going to change.

 

I need to change, somehow. I need to figure out how to glory in an absolutely freaking clean house at all times. I need to figure out how to deploy the children so that it's always up to snuff. I need to somehow get over resenting this like crazy.

 

I need advice. Please. Pretty please. Make it good, because I am ready to pack my bags. I am not bashing dh. It's not his fault. His mother twisted him irrevocably. I, however, refuse to be twisted. There must be some way to salvage this situation.

[Aubrey]

Well...I'm not a neat freak, but dh *is* a messy. Our first fight...well, once we got home from our honeymoon... was about where to keep his PILES of asthma meds. I was cleaning house for a party, & I designated a drawer in the bathroom & let him know. He accused me (seriously) of trying to kill him. Because if he couldn't *see* the meds, he'd forget to take them. And die.

 

Really. :lol:

 

And we've learned to live together. But my perspective is from the end of the cleaner of the pair. I've had to give a little, & so has he. I finally realized that I'd rather be married to him than have furniture w/out rings from drinks that failed to get coasters. He finally remembered to use a coaster. Well...sometimes. ;)

 

I do have a neighbor in your situation. She's developed a routine by which she can maintain, & she & the kids are like mad hornets about 30 min before her dh gets home. Honestly, though, I don't think that's any way to live. That's how my mom was w/ my dad growing up, & I'm going to stick to my first claim: compromise is necessary. I'd rather spend the rest of my life picking up after my dh than spend the rest of it w/out him. When I get particularly bent out of shape, I imagine the day that I *don't* have to pick up after him & how much I'll miss it. Not the picking up, but the man. And treating him that way makes him a better picker-upper.

 

But that doesn't help you. I wish I had more insight to offer. I know you said he won't change, but it does sound like you guys need to talk. Really, if he could shift his expectations from you to the kids, it does sound like there might be some room for negotiation. What about a maid? Or a talk about priorities? There are things that bother my dh in a messy house (ironically), & when he tells me, I try to address those things first. Kwim?

 

HTH! And I'm sorry. And :grouphug:

[Carol in Cal.]

I mean, you don't set standards for others but not for yourself. You so don't. Not in MY world. Not in MY house. Harumpf.

 

But, people I know who are neat freaks mostly do a couple of things. They clean routinely before things are dirty. So, for instance, they empty out all the wastebaskets in the house every day, whether they have anything in them or not, and wipe the kitchen one. They clean the mirror twice a week whether it's visibly dirty or not. Same with all of the floors. They are cleaned at very early stages. My SIL, for instance, vaccuums her whole house every single night.

 

They also straighten up everything about twice a day. So in addition to putting things where they belong whenever they are finished with them, they also just go around and scan the whole environment twice a day and make a special effort to put everything in place and to improve things even if they already look pretty good. They pull all of their books into the same positions on their bookcases, or file the bills into an envelope for their bill paying day, or put their coupons into neatly organized files that trigger in advance of their expiration dates.

 

In other words, they have a place for everything, put everything in its place pretty freakin often, and then they tweak it constantly.

 

(No thank you. But I digress.)

[Mrs Mungo]

My DH grew up as (more or less, long story) an only child. Their house was absolutely perfect at all times. He then went to military school at 15. He's a neat freak (but like your hubby he doesn't see the field gear he has piled all over our bedroom, only my stack of books by my bed). I'm SO not a neat freak. My mom was NOT a good housekeeper at ALL. Not even a little. Thinking about various homes I've been in I think I'm an average housekeeper.

 

We did have problems earlier in our marriage over this and sometimes we still do (to some extent very much like what you describe). Here are my random thoughts:

 

-is perfection something we actually want to aspire to in our home?

 

-I feel extremely burdened when all the responsibility for a perfectly clean house is on my shoulders. Especially because it's not what I desire.

[JennifersLost]

Part of the problem for me is that I "see" neat-freakiness as a sign that nothing creative or interesting is happening.

 

The other part of the problem is that I just don't "see" the problems that dh sees. They are so far down the list of priorities.

 

The third part of the problem is that if I get most of the house clean, dh will then move on to finer details - the inside of the fridge - the back of a cabinet. There is no end!!!!

 

We have discussed this over and over again. My last absolute freak out about this was about three weeks ago. He agreed to change and immediately went back to it.

 

Cleanliness is great, but I need to loose my resentment while finding a "solution"!

 

I used to think that if I distracted him with...well, you know...that would...distract him. NOT! This trait is ingrained in him, and when his mom was alive that's what she was like. The house was perfect all the time. The kids had no fun and no messes in the house. She was so nice, but so entirely opposite from me.

 

It would be much easier if dh did work away from home. We WOULD run around like maniacs for 30 minutes before he got home and clean everything up, but he doesn't. He's home 24/7. This goes on ALL DAY.

 

Is there a kind way to remind him that he's driving me NUTS?????

 

I was thinking today that maybe I should get a full time job and make him the house husband.

 

Or perhaps I should tell him to get therapy?

 

Or maybe I should take masking tape and divide all the rooms in two?

 

Please: more suggestions. I am trying to laugh at all of this, but tonight I want to just cry.

[Vida Winter]

but since he is I seriously try to keep up with it. A clean house is his "love language" so to speak. At least I don't have to keep up with his stuff - he is the neatest person I know.

 

But chaos seems to follow me around like a cyclone and I really need to work at it to overcome it. One thing that helps is to rally the kids to help. Another is to wear my ipod and listen to books on tape or fun music while I clean - I don't know how I managed before getting the Ipod.

 

If there's one area that I can't get a handle on it's the laundry. No matter what I do the second I turn my head there is another mountain. :confused:

 

Once in a while I invite people over, and besides having a great time we do get the house extra clean as a bonus.

 

Good luck. I know what you're going through.

 

Oh, and one thing my family has learned - to not criticize my cleaning when I have PMS. Don't even look at me wrong when I have PMS.

[Nestof3]

Perhaps he could list the things he notices the most? Sometimes just a few things really make the rest of the house look like a sreck.

 

I tend to be a neat-freak. There are things I like done every day, if possible:

 

vacumming family area

 

sweeping kitchen floor

 

all dishes in dishwasher when done with them, cups put in dishwasher when I go to bed

 

All toys cleaned up before bedtime and at certain clean-up times during the day

 

All dirty clothes put into the hamper when taken off, clean ones put away after folded -- once a load is removed from the dryer, the load is folded.

 

I empty trash cans daily

 

Mail is sorted and taken care of daily to cut down on paper clutter

 

Kitchen and bathroom surfaces are wiped and stay clean throughout day

 

These things don't really take much time, but they make all the difference. Usually, I'll do some of these tasks while the boys are doing handwritng or doing their math. I can fold laundry and help them with their math, for example.

 

Sometimes, I'll just cycle through the house and put away the first thing I see out of place in each room. Our house is small, so I can usually put away a few handsful of things in 5 minutes or less.

 

A purse, library bag, coat hooks at the back door has been great. My purse is always there, my library bags are always there, and any coats used on a refular basis stay there (like my husband's hooded sweatshirt he wears when working). The work shoes are on a little carpet underneath this hook area. Keys have a designated place on the kitchen wall. These little things help too.

 

We each have a place we keep our drinking glass throughout the day which cuts down on cups everywhere. I made a little mat which I laminated with contact paper which is essentially two rectangles, one with Nathan's name and one with Ben's. They were always forgetting which cup was theirs because they use similar cups. Now, their cups stay on the mat throughout the day, are used at the table during meals, and are placed back on the mat after meals. This may sound silly, but it really does cut down on glass clutter.

 

These are just things that help me. Perhaps your husband can name the top ten or something.

[KidsHappen]

when we began this journey 17 years ago, is: If it is bothering you then clean it but I don't want to hear about it. If it is bothering me then I will clean it. We do not have the same housework issues as other couples that I have heard of. My dc have assigned chores and can be asked to pick up after themselves but they don't get burden of perfection either.

 

I am sure that his need for clean is just as compelling as your need for a little mess but IMO he should not be able to dump this burden on you or the kids. He needs to be responsible for his own compulsions. You need to learn to tune him out and let him clean until his heart is content. You do need to come to some agreement as to what the dc will be responsible for but I think that this should be a regular list so they know what is expected of them, not something that changes on a daily basis. Good luck with this.

 

By the way, did you know that the housework issue is pretty high on the list of marital disagreements. Usually it is the woman wanting the man to do more cleaning. There is actually a book about this issue but I can't remember the name of it right now.

[Nestof3]

I would also encourage more discussion between you and your husband on this, but I wanted to be as helpful as possible without breaking any rules, if you know what I mean.

[Mrs Mungo]

By the way, did you know that the housework issue is pretty high on the list of marital disagreements. Usually it is the woman wanting the man to do more cleaning. There is actually a book about this issue but I can't remember the name of it right now.

 

Are you thinking of "Sex Begins in the Kitchen?" My hubby calls his jobs "choreplay."

[KidsHappen]

Are you thinking of "Sex Begins in the Kitchen?" My hubby calls his jobs "choreplay."

 

 

That's not it. She also wrote a book about women talk and men talk and how we communicate differently. I think that her first name was Anne. Brains not working right now.

[JennifersLost]

What I need is a STORY. What could it be?

 

I need a story I can tell myself that makes me laugh and feel happy - that makes me "feel the love" about cleaning up, you know?

 

To me, the word cleaning means "boredom, punishment, prison..."

 

How do I change it to mean something else? I do have an Ipod - I've just been bad about putting a story on it I like and I need earpods that stay put.

 

I tried making Pippi Longstocking scrubbie shoes to mop my kitchen floor with, but it still doesn't feel like enough of an adventure.

 

Maybe I can make it into a kind of videogame. I could start out with a certain number of "points" each day and lose them every time dh complains about something. If I run out of points, I lose the game. Maybe I could get the kids involved.....LOL, I can see that getting a little weird.

 

Maybe I'll try it for a little while.

 

My house is up for sale, so it's extra neat right now and I am cleaning it constantly, but it's exhausting....and he still finds things!!!!

[Peek a Boo]

oh man......

 

we've gone round and round over this too.

 

The only thing that has finally worked is me acting like Maureen O Hara in a John Wayne movie and going off on him. I think it kinda impresses him, to tell ya the truth. It's tough for me tho cuz i tend to be a "back off and sulk" kinda gal at home. I'm getting crankier in my old age...... But i have noticed that when he's not riding my a$$ about cleaning I can do it easier :)

 

But I will NOT let him pull an extreme chastising tirade on the kids over something. He may MODEL for them how to clean and HELP them clean, but he does not get to "just criticize." i won't let him do that to the kids.

 

a lot of the issue is servant leadership. we need him to LEAD by example in the areas that he thinks we're falling down on.

 

otherwise I'd say pack HIS bags and have an attorney's number ready. Sometimes knowing you are serious about making the situation work for the FAMILY is what it takes.

good luck.

[CookieMonster]

Do you ever just say to him, "Honey, if it's bothering you, why don't you clean it? I can't get to it right now."

 

If you do, how does he react?

[choirfarm]

To be honest, there is NOTHING you will be able to do to live with the situation. How do I know, this quote:

 

The third part of the problem is that if I get most of the house clean, dh will then move on to finer details - the inside of the fridge - the back of a cabinet. There is no end!!!!

 

He has some very deep issues going on. Being critical is in his nature and no matter what you do, it will never be enough. I think going to a counselor and getting some outside thoughts will help. He will have to change himself and no amount of getting the house clean will ever help. It can't ever be clean enough. You can't get it that way. You never will be able to. He, himself, will have to drop the critical spirit and you cannot help him do that. Maybe a therapist will help.

 

Christine

[elegantlion]

Jennifer, How is possible that we are married to same man? My dh is neat with everything, even his stuff. I almost spewed coffee on my computer as you described him scanning a room. I love my dh, but I just don't see some of the mess either. I'm a creative soul and you're so right when a room is clean it feels like there is nothing going on. I've never been able to articulate how a super clean room feels to me, You have nailed it!!!!:001_smile::001_smile::001_smile:

 

I have found, over 15 years of marriage, what rooms are important to my dh to have clean when he gets home. He can deal with my laundry sorted all over the bedroom floor if the mud room is clean, so he can put down his keys and stuff, and there are no dirty dishes out. Housework is never done, which is why it irritates me, but I do put some effort into getting done what is important to him. It's one of his love languages.

[Plaid Dad]

Do you ever just say to him, "Honey, if it's bothering you, why don't you clean it? I can't get to it right now."

 

This is how I would handle it. In fact, that is exactly how I did handle an area of conflict with my dw just last night. It's an issue for her but not for me, so now it's her job. :tongue_smilie:

 

How decluttered are you? (Your house, not you personally! ;)) A house with too much stuff will never look "neat enough" to a real neat freak. I'm convinced that a facet of neatnikness is visual distractability. I can't focus if there is too much random visual input in my environment. Ordered input is something else, although even that gets to me if it's "excessive" by my finely tuned inner neatness gauge. ;)

 

Good luck to you!

[Julie Herbster]

Perhaps he could list the things he notices the most.....<snip>>....Perhaps your husband can name the top ten or something.

This idea is working for us. Neither one of us is a neat freak, but dh is very concerned about how the house looks. After many frustrating talks about me needing to keep the house nicer, we finally hit on the problem: we have different ideas about what "clean" means. My "priority areas" are different than his. Once we figured this out, and I had him make a "priority list" detailing what a clean house meant to him, we made tremendous progress. I actually had to laugh when I saw his list...it was unbelievable! (Having a clutter-free office area--which no one sees--is more important than having the dining room table--visible from the front door--cleaned off?? And here I had been obsessing over scrubbing the floors weekly when he couldn't have cared less about shiny floors...and on and on!) No wonder he was so frustrated and thought I was just blowing him off, which I wasn't. We had just been talking past each other, mistakenly thinking we were getting through.

[LNC]

I didn't read all the replies but I would talk with him along these lines. I would give it my good faith best effort to honor his preferences for neatness and basic cleanliness in all the major areas of the house. Then, I would share with him that any fine cleaning details that need tending that he notices such as the inside of the fridge of top of cabinets etc - he can have access to a fully stocked cleaning box under the kitchen sink at all times to pitch in and take of those things whenever they bother him.

 

I really think that when the basic cleanliness and neatness are managed consistently, tackling those finer cleaning duties shouldn't take but a few minutes here and there a day - and the keener eye should be the one to do it :)

[TraceyS/FL]

I didn't see a rule on MIL bashing - is that allowed????? :tongue_smilie:

 

I would start with scheduling a time that you and the kids "clean" (him too if he can). Maybe 2 15 minute periods a day to "room rescue" ala Fly Lady?

 

That might help some - he will know you have times to do it.

 

Otherwise, what everyone else said.

 

Back to decluttering - we are doing that here. I was actually ticked DH didn't acknowledge what the kids worked on yesterday. We've made great strides in the last 2 weeks in some areas...... it be nice if we got noticed. HMPH.

 

Oh well, back to the MIL bashing - can we can we can we???????? :lol:

[Jennifer in MI]

Okay - I gotta' admit - I AM your dh. Seriously - a messy house really stresses me out. I cannot think. Now, I don't place the burden of constantly cleaning it on my kids or dh, but I certainly can understand this from his POV.

 

Some things that have worked for our family:

 

1. Make a list of things that need to be done. Assign those chores. I have a list of chores split up - daily, weekly, monthly, yearly. This way, when the inside of the refridgerator is getting dirty, I know that it's on the schedule and we'll get to it soon and I don't stress about it. Would your dh be willing to make up a list with you? (I say with you because I wouldn't want him to assign WAY too much to you or the kids. I put most of the burden of this list on ME because it's really important to ME. Dh helps, but it's mostly with things like cutting grass or washing the cars. The kids do more than most kids their ages, but not too much, IMO!)

 

2. I've had to relax my standards a bit. With four kids in the house, things are going to be left out. Fingerprints are going to get on the stove and fridge. Muddy footprints will get on the floor. But, now that I have my schedule, I'm okay with those things.

 

3. Ack - baby's screaming - I'll come back later . . . .

[WTMindy]

.

The other part of the problem is that I just don't "see" the problems that dh sees. They are so far down the list of priorities.

 

The third part of the problem is that if I get most of the house clean, dh will then move on to finer details - the inside of the fridge - the back of a cabinet. There is no end!!!!

 

This SOOOO describes my dh and me!!! I don't see all the things he sees. The difference is that dh is actually neat with his own things also. Here are some things I have done to help. I am so much better than I used to be when we first got married. I really like a clean house now. Dh gets home at the same time every day (or he calls if it is going to be different) and about 15 minutes before he gets home we (the kids and I) get everything tidied up. I try to view things as I know he sees them. This has really helped the problem a ton!

 

I dread weekends where dh gets bored because he always finds jobs for me to do. "The refrigerator really needs a good cleaning...." :glare: To his credit, however, he also is very helpful with the cleaning. I do most of the weekly maintenance stuff, but he is great about taking on jobs that most husbands wouldn't even notice or do. He'll get a bee in his bonnet and clean all the baseboards or things like that.

 

It is rare that dh is upset (maybe annoyed is a better word) with me for a messy house anymore, and it used to be more common when we first got married. I would talk with your dh about his double standards of expecting clean, but being messy with his own things because that would be hard.

 

ETA: Sorry, I forgot that your dh was home all day, but maybe you could work out a deal where before 5:00 he says nothing, and after 5 he can express his concerns. I also love putting audiobooks on my ipod and listening to them when I am cleaning or making dinner. I feel like I am doing two productive things at once!

[Parrothead]

Do you ever just say to him, "Honey, if it's bothering you, why don't you clean it? I can't get to it right now."

 

If you do, how does he react?

I have to admit I wouldn't be that nice about it.

 

Now I'm one of the anal neat freaks. Everything has a place, everything gets tidied daily, the house gets vacuumed daily, the fridge is ruthlessly organized. So if dh ever decided that something wasn't clean/neat/organized enough I'd tell not to complain to me and take care if it himself.

[Paula in MS]

He comes home in the afternoons and walks through the house to see what is messed up. It drives me insane. We fight about it alot, so I feel your pain. (We have been married for 6 months.) I knew when we got married that I was very messy and he was a neat freak. I have completely changed and keep the house looking great, but there is always something I miss. The one thing that he does not complain about is dd6's room. It is always a mess and he occasionally asks her to clean it up, but not often. We have conversations like this:

 

Him: Why are there dirty clothes in here?

Me: This is the laundry room. There are supposed to be dirty clothes in here.

 

Actually, we had to have a talk the other day because it causes a lot of anxiety in the afternoons when he comes home from work. I'm always wondering what he is going to find wrong every day. And 98% of the people in the world would think that our house is very clean every day.

 

It drives me nuts, but I'm not going to be a slave to the house.

 

Good luck with yours. I've got my hands full here.:D

 

Why don't you find out what his hot buttons are and focus on those. Tell him that you will focus on a few things that are most important to him if he will cease the house inspections.

 

Paula

[JennifersLost]

All right, some good ideas here.

 

I have considered being passive-agressive: every time he complains about something, I'll complain about something.

 

I have considered fighting about it one more time (because, you know -the last 300 fights about it were so darn effective)

 

But instead I will try:

 

-asking for a "hot list" of ten things that constantly bug him.

 

-asking him to come up with a code word I can use for when I'm about to throw a frying pan at his head to signal that he needs to back off.

 

-asking him to consider walking into a room and saying two to three NICE things about it and the people in it before he starts on the tirade of things wrong.

 

Paula - learn from this. I have been married for nearly 8 years! If you don't nip your dh's criticisms in the bud right now, you'll suffer for all time.....:tongue_smilie:

[Peek a Boo]

I have considered fighting about it one more time (because, you know -the last 300 fights about it were so darn effective)

 

But instead I will try:

 

-asking him to come up with a code word I can use for when I'm about to throw a frying pan at his head to signal that he needs to back off.

 

-asking him to consider walking into a room and saying two to three NICE things about it and the people in it before he starts on the tirade of things wrong.

 

 

actually,.... the past 300 fights we had were never effective cuz I apparently wasn't well trained in fighting, lol. I'm getting better, and it's making our arguments much more effective ;) That sounds humorous, but I am deadly serious.

 

choirfarm pretty much hit the nail on the head for me [and watch for those signs in your house too]. But if DH won't go to counseling, we're left dealing with it whatever way I can figure out that will get thru his skull.

 

and honestly? If I asked dh to "say 3 nice things"? He'd be terribly mocking and sarcastic. It would backfire here :/

[Peek a Boo]

I'm convinced that a facet of neatnikness is visual distractability. I can't focus if there is too much random visual input in my environment. Ordered input is something else, although even that gets to me if it's "excessive" by my finely tuned inner neatness gauge. ;)

 

random visual input.....

 

I like the way that sounds....

dh is big on taking usual everyday phrases and referring to them by initials, lol.

i can see 'RVI alert', hee hee.

[WTMindy]

 

 

Paula - learn from this. I have been married for nearly 8 years! If you don't nip your dh's criticisms in the bud right now, you'll suffer for all time.....:tongue_smilie:

 

I'm going to take a different angle on this. Why shouldn't we work hard to please our spouse. If we know that keeping the house clean, why should we not try and do this for them? I know my dh interprets that as I love you. If our dh does something that frustrates us, don't we try to get them to change that behavior? That is a part of marriage, and if a clean counter makes my dh happy, then I want to provide a clean counter for him when he gets home. I don't do it perfectly and sometimes he gets annoyed, just like I get annoyed with him for things. I don't know your dh, but when mine wants something clean, he lets me know. He doesn't say, "You are a horrible home-maker, clean this up." That might be how I hear it, of course, but that isn't what he said. He is letting me know what he would like me do differently.

 

This is the balance that all married couples have to find, how to love each other for all of our strengths and weaknesses and still be able to communicate how the other person can grow.

 

It hurts my feelings when my dh tells me he would like me to do something differently, but I want to know these things so I can make him happy. He wants to know these so he can change to make me happy. So, I truly try to accept, without defensiveness, when dh asks me to do something. He truly does SO MUCH for me, that I want to do the same for him.

[Peek a Boo]

I'm going to take a different angle on this. Why shouldn't we work hard to please our spouse. If we know that keeping the house clean, why should we not try and do this for them? I

 

This is the balance that all married couples have to find, how to love each other for all of our strengths and weaknesses and still be able to communicate how the other person can grow.

 

.... but I want to know these things so I can make him happy. He wants to know these so he can change to make me happy.

 

I agree we should work hard to please our spouse. That's a Two Way Street.

 

If you know that your spouse is responding in and with love, that would be wonderful. Unfortunately that's not always the case.

 

In Jen's case, it sounds like no matter how much she DOES try to please him, he's not accepting of it or recognizing it or responding in love to it. Choirfarm nailed my own situation.

 

My case is probably more complicated and deeper than Jen's, but at least I'm figuring out how to deal w/ the cycles.

 

But yes-- in a good, functional, loving marriage, there really should be a reasonable solution like you suggest :)

[melissel]

The third part of the problem is that if I get most of the house clean, dh will then move on to finer details - the inside of the fridge - the back of a cabinet. There is no end!!!!

 

IMO, this is HIS problem, not yours. My DH is a messy guy, but he's neater than me. And he knows that if something's bugging him, HE needs to be the one to either address the problem or LET IT GO.

 

Personally, I agree with the others that making yourself and the kids insane to live up to someone else's standards is no way to live. I'd suggest therapy for both of you to get to the root of the issue. (I grew up with a very critical father, and it's no picnic.)

[JennifersLost]

Thank you all so much as usual. Since I was able to come and vent a little here, it meant that this morning I could talk with dh about it in a rational, loving way.

 

He said that after I got pissy yesterday he went off and thought about how he is and realized he was doing it too much. We talked about how we need to be able to talk to each other about the jobs we do (I forgot to mention that we renovate houses together for most of our income), without coming across as too critical.

 

We covered how we both each need to "model" taking criticism without owning it for our children so they don't grow up as thin-skinned as we both are. And we talked about "modelling" the behavior we want the others to have - i.e., coming into a room and picking it up rather than complaining about it.

 

I'm lousy at speaking up about what bugs me before it REALLY bugs me, because I avoid confrontation at all costs. Dh is better at speaking up, but also has a really thin skin, so has a hard time hearing criticism of his own.

 

Somehow I forget that we can talk about things. I always make it out to be scarier than it really is, and I'm trying to learn to make cleaning about loving...it just doesn't come naturally.

 

All is good. We will keep striving together toward perfect harmony, LOL.

 

Thank you all so much - I love coming here and knowing I'll be understood.

[WTMindy]

We covered how we both each need to "model" taking criticism without owning it for our children so they don't grow up as thin-skinned as we both are. And we talked about "modelling" the behavior we want the others to have - i.e., coming into a room and picking it up rather than complaining about it.

 

Somehow I forget that we can talk about things. I always make it out to be scarier than it really is, and I'm trying to learn to make cleaning about loving...it just doesn't come naturally.

 

All is good. We will keep striving together toward perfect harmony, LOL.

 

Thank you all so much - I love coming here and knowing I'll be understood.

I'm so glad you were able to talk about these things!!!!! That is wonderful. Your two quotes reflect exactly what I was TRYING to say in my post above!! Both the talking it through and the modeling of healthy behavior is so important in a good marriage.

 

Way to go!! For what its worth, I do think it would be difficult to work with and have dh around all the time. I love him, but that would get old. ;)

[melissel]

I'm glad that you're working it out. It always seems like, when you feel like you've experienced the very last straw, a resolution presents itself, doesn't it?

 

I always make it out to be scarier than it really is, and I'm trying to learn to make cleaning about loving...it just doesn't come naturally.

 

This is good, but also make sure that he knows he needs to work toward making not criticizing about loving too, KWIM? (And I speak as someone who has tendency to look over DH's freshly cleaned bathroom for the things he missed :001_unsure: I've just learned to shut up about them :tongue_smilie:)