ADD question from a confused but loving friend

[scubamama]

My dearest friend just spent a week with my family and I and this visit she was able to bring her 5.5 yo ds. She's been out to visit us before this tripbut hasn't brought him along (divorced mom, ds had his time with dad on previous trips)

She told us he was dx with ADD or ADHD ( I don't remember which one) about 1 year ago.He is taking a non stimulant type medicine 2x a day. He seemed somewhat calmer after takinghis morning pill, but not like a world of difference. I casually mentioned that to a friend here before her visit and this mom told me it was "not real".

I didn't know people really felt that way - maybe ADD had been mis diagnosed but not that it was "not real".

What says the hive?

 

Her ds is a smart little guy - active like my ds was at that age. Of course he was going to be excited when we visited the beach and Legoland! What 5 year old wouldn't?

 

We did notice that he was really sassy with mom - making her chase him to get him to get dressed, brush his teeth, get in the car, calling our kids "potty talk" names until the littlest one cried, physically pushing them out of his way so he could be first, running when it was time to clean up, and telling me he didn't like any food that I had (even when it was the same that mom makes at home - I went out and specifically got his brands so the visit would be easy for him). He was extremely bossy - he was always right, no one could tell him otherwise, and even told my dh and I that "You obviously don't know what you're talking about".

I could go on. It was a huge struggle to get him out the door this morning to catch their plane.

My friend threatens him alot, but doesn't follow thru - like, "I'll leave you here at the beach/park/wherever if you don't come here/stop that/ etc." "You need to use nice words" She says that he is a leader and that his teacher and doctors agree, they just need to get his medicine right.

I love her and her ds wholeheartedly - but I am really confused! Is thsi what ADD looks like? Please no flames - I really want to be a sensitive person here.

I just don't get it how when I calmly told him to stop opening the car door/hitting the neighbor's dog/calling my kids names/purposely picking apart sllooowllly a lego creation my ds asked him not to touch he could stop. But when mom does he woulnd't.

Can someone help me? I just spent a week planning fun things to do and food that was rejected ( ? ! ) and basically trying to please a little guy.

I ran everything by mom weeks before they arrived and we planned together to keep the stress low and make it a fun trip. I hate to say this but I think my friends son is a brat. I feel terrible for feeling that way. My kids basically didn't want to play with him at all by the end of the visit and were really not sad to see him go. He took my ds's minifigure and hid it in his pocket then said, "I don't know how it got in here - it's not my fault" He had to be bribed to give it back.

I said goodbye this morning with mixed feelings. Can anyone shed light on this situation?

 

Sincerely,

 

Michele

ds 9 dd 6.5 dd 3.5

[Mrs Mungo]

This is the reason people with well-disciplined ADD kids have trouble getting a diagnosis.

 

He might be ADD, but there is a serious discipline problem here.

[kchara]

Well, there's ADD/ADHD, which is very, very real (I have one ADD and one ADHD myself), and then there's letting your kids run wild. It's entirely possible that he's suffering from a combination of both, which would make his life very difficult. ADD/ADHD kids (from what I've observed both from my own kids and others we've known) crave structure and routine, and really need an adult to set boundaries for them (which is probably why he obeyed you better than his mom). It sounds like he's not getting that. Even as much as they have a need to be "right" (like in the conversation this boy had with your DH), they need even more to know that an adult has it together, and is able to be in control. ADD/ADHD is no excuse for rudeness and allowing your child to be a brat. It makes it more difficult to train a child, but they are able to be taught social boundaries and basic manners.

 

You mentioned your friend is a single mom, that's got to be SO very difficult. I can't imagine dealing with my ADHD son, especially, without my husband's support. It could also be his medication messing with him. These are strong meds our kids are on, and there is a lot more research that needs done on them. They're not designed for kids. So, finding the right med, at the right dosage, possibly in combination with other right meds, it's as much of an art form as a science, and there's lots of hit and miss.

 

I think there is a lot of over-diagnosis of ADD/ADHD, especially in boys, but to say that it's "not real" is really infuriating and frustrating to those of us that know that it very much is. Please understand, for the most part, we know that are kids are hard to get along with, and we're doing everything we know of to help them. Sometimes, we need a little help and support along the way. ;) It sounds like you're a good friend for trying to give that to her.

[ondreeuh]

Kids with ADD/ADHD require a higher level of parenting - you have to be always vigilant, and always consistent. They are impulsive and don't think things through, so you have to think FOR them and constantly reinforce what they should do. It's exhausting, and it's especially easy to slack when you're trying to have a vacation and enjoy your friends, and want just a small break from being The Enforcer.

 

She may be this inconsistent at home, and it may contribute to his poor behavior. However, he might do this stuff whether she's consistent or not, and she was just not in the mood to devote too much energy to him during her stay with you. He may have been acting up even more because he was out of his own routine. It's just hard to judge.

 

I think of last night when my family went to a restaurant for dinner. We chose the place with a kids' play area, sat right next to it, and tried to enjoy our meal while our 3 year old broke all but rule #2 on the list (no climbing). I'm sure it looked like we were slack parents, but we spend most of the day micro-managing his behavior and we just wanted to eat.

[Dawn in OH]

 

He might be ADD, but there is a serious discipline problem here.

 

I agree with Mrs. Mungo. I've known several children that were just like this, 2 of them were sons of single moms. The moms just didn't discipline. The kids ran the moms ragged.

[rafiki]

.

[scubamama]

Thanks all - I really feel for my best friend and I want to be as supportive as I can for her. I don't want to feed in to the "ADD is not real" idea. I just wanted to get a perspective from families that are there, working with their kids every day.

She is a single mom, has great support from her parents who live close to her and watch her ds weekly as she travels for work or has other work related things.I know she's exhausted and needs a break.

I know there's a great kid in there! He's smart and maybe just needs some more structure. I'm afraid that it's like this at home for him. When we talk on the phone, he's constantly interrupting and telling her to "get off the phone NOW!" He had a major screaming tantrum at Legoland b/c he didn't get the most expensive toy....it was the end of a long day, in the hot sun, with a 3 hour time difference for him. Whew! I felt for him and for her!

 

Are there any blogs or info sites you recomend?

 

Michele

[Ellie]

I think the reason the rx for ADD/ADHD is considered by some to not be "real" is that there's no specific test but is usually from observation, KWIM? Schools often label kids that way because the teachers just don't have time to teach/direct/supervise all of the children; children who are bright will often get into trouble because they are not challenged (or even disciplined. Children need discipline, especially in a classroom.)

 

I wonder how a child so young could be already rxed with such a label.

 

Just from your own observations, it sounds more like a parenting issue to me than any other disorder. And I am sympathetic with you regarding your friend's situation, bless her heart.

[Mom0012]

I think a lot of time when parents (especially maybe a single mom) is dealing with a child with special needs, they can get so overwhelmed that they give up on discipline, which compounds the problem. Someone very close to me has 3 children who are all special needs. This person is a single mom. The kids are capable of behaving because they do so outside of the home, but when mom is around, it is a totally different story. It's like she has no control and has just given up.

 

As far as the ADD/ADHD being real, I would never make that judgement about someone else's child. Children can present themselves very differently in different situations and I just wouldn't want to make assumptions. If the child is on medication for ADD, I would assume that he has it.

 

Lisa

[rafiki]

.

[wapiti]

He may or may not have ADHD, but I think it's a little unusual to have diagnosed ADHD at 5.5 y.o., let alone a year ago at 4.5 y.o. Personally, I'd be concerned about the potential for misdiagnosis - the Eides' "The Mislabeled Child" is good book for attempting to distinguish amongst a bunch of LDs.

 

And like the others said, discipline is definitely an issue, maybe with some emotional issues mixed in. Sounds like the mom does not have an easy road ahead of her.

[MeghanL]

I just want to cry for your friend. My son was/is a very difficult child to parent. He would literally spend all day in time out and being spanked because he just.could.not listen. He would hear us, start to obey, and then forget. He was always forgetting the simplest things and I remember going to an event and hearing someone say how my child was out of control. He was. But...they didn't know how hard I had to work to get to the point where we could leave the house and walk through the parking lot.

We were consistent. We were providing a stable home, we had routine, we had consequences to inappropriate behavior, we expected obedience...and we got none. I think for many ADHD children, the link in their brain between cause and effect is broken. My son could not connect his actions with the consequence. When he was being punished he would always say "But I didn't want to...." do whatever it was he was being punished for. At first we thought he was making excuses, but it was for everything. As an example, every night for the past 5 years (he's 7 now) his bedtime has been 8 pm. Every night to this day when 8 pm comes, he is absolutely surprised that he has to go to bed. He has never been allowed to stay up past 8 pm, he has the same routine every day but it's still such a shock to him. It's very difficult to understand because it seems like what works for other kids should work for them..and I'm sure that there are parents who do not discipline their kids well but maybe that's the best they can do until their child's brain catches up with their age.

[Lily of the Valley]

I think the reason the rx for ADD/ADHD is considered by some to not be "real" is that there's no specific test but is usually from observation, KWIM? Schools often label kids that way because the teachers just don't have time to teach/direct/supervise all of the children; children who are bright will often get into trouble because they are not challenged (or even disciplined. Children need discipline, especially in a classroom.)

 

My dd was diagnosed with ADD in second grade. We had her tested by a psychologist which involved different observation and memory type games on the computer, as well as a few other types of tests. He tested her without meds, then a week later with meds. There was a marked improvement percentage-wise in her performance on those tests while taking the meds.

 

I had no idea there were any sorts of tests available until our pediatrician referred us for testing.

[*Inna*]

This boy sounds exactly like my friend's 7 year old son. He was diagnosed with ADHD. They are still adjusting his meds (type and dosage). I could see a dramatic change of his attitude since they started him with meds.

 

I do agree there's also a discipline issue, but he is very overwhelming to deal with and his very active 2 younger sisters.

 

I believe that ADD/ADHD is very real and my heart goes out for your friend.

[ondreeuh]

My son had a diagnosis at 3, I believe (after seeing a developmental ped and neurologist, getting an MRI and EEG). Well, actually, the neuro told us it was either ADHD or a frontal lobe brain injury. We delayed medication until he was 4.5. It may not be common, but it happens.

[LizzyBee]

I don't think 4.5 or 5.5 is unusually young for an ADHD diagnosis. My dd wasn't diagnosed until she was 7, but parenting her was intense from the very beginning. She has processing disorders that added to the chaos.

 

At 5.5, my dd was still pretty excitable in new situations and it could be difficult to control her behavior. I remember having to put her on my lap and wrap my arms tightly around her when we'd get company; otherwise, she was bouncing off the walls (and the guests :tongue_smilie:). It's possible your friend's son is not as wild when he's in his regular routine. OTOH, I am a big believer in not making empty threats and following through with consequences. My dd is 9 now and very well behaved.

[Mommy22alyns]

He might be ADD, but there is a serious discipline problem here.

 

 

:iagree: Seriously. If she's threatening and not following through, that's a HUGE red flag.

[Murmer]

My dd was diagnosed with ADHD (combined) this year at 3.5 years old. She is extreme with SPD involved too. That said the discipline has been so hard everything that people says works doesn't work. No matter how many times she was sent to her room with the option to have the door open if she doesn't hit or hit and get the door closed she hit and got the door closed. EVERY SINGLE TIME! For over a year of consistent consistent discipline...she truly did not get it. She also has potential for oppositional defiance (leaning towards the disorder) and will purposely say she does not want something if she can't control the situation. I have spent the last 2 years crying about what an awful mother I must be because my 3 year old was so out of control and no matter what I did nothing worked....Now she is on nonstimulant medication and life has taken a 360. She has been slowed just enough that she can process things and discipline is actually starting to work.

 

So yes he very well could have ADHD, he could some oppositional issues going on (its comorbid). Mom probably tries but doesn't know what to do and is at the will of the ADHD. When you spend 5+ years thinking you suck because your kid is out of control it is hard to want to keep trying and pushing when really life is much easier when the child gets his way that trying to discipline consistently and always being pushed against or attacked...its rough. I recommend giving the mother a bit of support and encouraging her to keep trying.

[leeannpal]

He may or may not have ADHD, but I think it's a little unusual to have diagnosed ADHD at 5.5 y.o., let alone a year ago at 4.5 y.o. Personally, I'd be concerned about the potential for misdiagnosis - the Eides' "The Mislabeled Child" is good book for attempting to distinguish amongst a bunch of LDs.

 

And like the others said, discipline is definitely an issue, maybe with some emotional issues mixed in. Sounds like the mom does not have an easy road ahead of her.

 

My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 5. She very clearly has it. It was evident to me by the time she was 18 months old. My daughter has far more trouble with the hyper part of ADHD. Since she could walk, she literally could not sit still. Bedtimes were and still are at times, a nightmare. Even on medication, my 8 year old often wakes in the middle of the night (2:00 am ish) and cannot go back to sleep. Medication has helped, but it doesn't cure. Even though she is on a long acting dose, by 5:00 pm she is very hard to handle.

 

OP, I know you mean well, but we parents with kids who have fairly severe ADHD have heard it all before. I've had several family members berate my husband and I for not disciplining properly. FWIW, I'm a middle school teacher, and do quite a nice job with disciplining in the classroom. Neither my husband nor I are in any way pushovers. We do discipline, but her little body and mind just can't stay in control. Her pediatrician put it this way: How would you feel if you were constantly uncomfortable in your own skin?

 

I've had such dirty looks from people when my daughter would have one of her frustrated meltdowns in a public places before I could remove her. I've cried numerous tears and felt such guilt for the times I was embarrassed that she was my daughter.

 

OP, please support your friend and ask if she needs help. Being a single parent with an ADHD child would be next to impossible to me. And please don't judge her. The phrase, "if you could walk a mile in my shoes..." fits nicely here.

 

(I will admit this is a very touchy subject for me, as I have heard the "it's not real" and "it's just bad parenting" lines too many times:sad:

[Peela]

I believe ADD/ADHD is extremely over diagnosed.

 

It is a set of symptoms- it is unverifiable from a blood test like most if not all psychiatric illnesses, which is why many people feel it is not a real disease or condition, but it is made up by psychiatrists so that they can treat a certain set of symptoms with psychiatric drugs- no matter what the cause of those symptoms. If there was no official diagnosis, there could be no prescription. They go together. It wasnt a disease that was recognised last century, because it isn't actually a disease. There are no antibodies.

 

The symptoms are the diagnosis- the cause of those symptoms is lumped under the title "ADHD" when it could be many things- nutritional, family environment, environmental toxins, allergies, and ineffective parenting- that lead to those symptoms (and I completely get that even with all those ruled out, some kids do benefit from the drugs). I live in a city that has the highest rate of ADHD in the world and where prescriptions for it are handed out more than anywhere else in the world. I strongly believe it is over diagnosed and I do empathise with both people with out of control kids that have tried everything (within their world view) but also with people who feel it does not really exist.

 

But I will get flamed for that, I am sure. I do have a stepdd and a dh with supposed ADHD (and a son who may have been eventually dx but for whom homeschooling was the cure) so I am not completely ignorant.

[Lady Florida.]

My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 5. She very clearly has it. It was evident to me by the time she was 18 months old.

 

It's not at all unusual to have a diagnosis at a young age. My son was diagnosed at age 5, but it was evident long before the dx that he had some form of ADD or ADHD. One of the diagnostic criteria for impulsivity in an ADHD dx is that at least some of the symptoms that cause impairment were evident before age 7.

 

 

My daughter has far more trouble with the hyper part of ADHD. Since she could walk, she literally could not sit still. Bedtimes were and still are at times, a nightmare. Even on medication, my 8 year old often wakes in the middle of the night (2:00 am ish) and cannot go back to sleep. Medication has helped, but it doesn't cure.

I've heard so many people say ADHD meds prevent a kid from being able to sleep. No, they don't. Kids with ADHD have trouble sleeping, period.

 

OP, I know you mean well, but we parents with kids who have fairly severe ADHD have heard it all before.

 

I've had such dirty looks from people when my daughter would have one of her frustrated meltdowns in a public places before I could remove her. I've cried numerous tears and felt such guilt for the times I was embarrassed that she was my daughter.

 

The phrase, "if you could walk a mile in my shoes..." fits nicely here.

 

:iagree: I don't know how old your dd is, but you mention your ds is 8. If it makes you feel better, maturity does help. My ds is 13-1/2 and I'm seeing some maturity in his attempts to control his impulsivity. We discuss his ADHD openly and matter of factly with him. I think that has helped him understand he's not a "bad kid". The teen years are when that lack of impulse control can be a big problem, and we've talked with him about this too.

 

(I will admit this is a very touchy subject for me, as I have heard the "it's not real" and "it's just bad parenting" lines too many times:sad:

:grouphug: I am right there with you. This is a subject that near and dear to my heart. My wonderful, amazing, creative, loving, compassionate totally frustrating son has raging ADHD.

[6packofun]

I agree with the above post. :) I have met many moms, of boys especially, whose child has a combo of either ADD or ADHD *and* Oppositional Defiant Disorder, as well. Not a fun combo and can be exhausting.

[justamouse]

This is the reason people with well-disciplined ADD kids have trouble getting a diagnosis.

 

He might be ADD, but there is a serious discipline problem here.

:iagree::iagree:

[caitlinsmom]

I haven't read all of the posts.

 

As a parent of a child very similar to the one you described I can tell you there are many many things that affect a child with ADHD and their behavior. Yes the child you describe does sound like he is undisciplined and unruly but that may or may not be the case. Children with ADHD are prone to anxiety in new situations. His behavior could have been a manifestation of this or it could have been bad parenting. The truth is ADHD kids are a totally different breed of kid (and I say that in a loving manner), things that work for other kids do not work with them. They can run a parent ragged trying to keep them in line, teaching them properly, correcting issues.

While it is very easy to judge these kids (I do it to my own daughter!) they aren't like others. I hope for your friends sake that she is dilligent about parenting and behavior in their home because these kids do need consistancy.

I am sorry the trip was a downer. If you can be there as a sounding board for your friend. These kids are very tough to raise and sometimes we need a neutral place to go to.

[scubamama]

My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 5. She very clearly has it. It was evident to me by the time she was 18 months old. My daughter has far more trouble with the hyper part of ADHD. Since she could walk, she literally could not sit still. Bedtimes were and still are at times, a nightmare. Even on medication, my 8 year old often wakes in the middle of the night (2:00 am ish) and cannot go back to sleep. Medication has helped, but it doesn't cure. Even though she is on a long acting dose, by 5:00 pm she is very hard to handle.

 

OP, I know you mean well, but we parents with kids who have fairly severe ADHD have heard it all before. I've had several family members berate my husband and I for not disciplining properly. FWIW, I'm a middle school teacher, and do quite a nice job with disciplining in the classroom. Neither my husband nor I are in any way pushovers. We do discipline, but her little body and mind just can't stay in control. Her pediatrician put it this way: How would you feel if you were constantly uncomfortable in your own skin?

 

I've had such dirty looks from people when my daughter would have one of her frustrated meltdowns in a public places before I could remove her. I've cried numerous tears and felt such guilt for the times I was embarrassed that she was my daughter.

 

OP, please support your friend and ask if she needs help. Being a single parent with an ADHD child would be next to impossible to me. And please don't judge her. The phrase, "if you could walk a mile in my shoes..." fits nicely here.

 

(I will admit this is a very touchy subject for me, as I have heard the "it's not real" and "it's just bad parenting" lines too many times:sad:

 

Leeannpal,

Please rest assured that I wasn't trying to make my friend out to be a "bad parent" or that her ds isn't suffering....that's why I came here to ask for some parents who are right now in the trenches working with their kids...to get a "real perspective" not a canned "ADD isn't real" or a "ADD is real" debate started.

I am and will continue to be praying for, participating in any treatment plan I can help her with, just listening to her, and if we lived less than 3,000 miles away from each other I'd be giving her regular breaks. I tried to make it as easy as possible for them both during their visit by planning what we'd be doing, what we'd be eating, etc to provide some routine and security for him. I coached my kids on being extra patient.

I'm not trying to be a judgemental parent here, just a mom who loves her friend and wants to be useful, humble, and wise in my relationship with her and her ds.

 

Thanks to everyone who took time to read and comment. I'm really learning alot.

 

Michele

 

ds 9 dd 6.5 dd 3.5

[scubamama]

That's why I come here - so I can get it straight.

I know my attempts are clumsy, but I'm trying my best! :tongue_smilie:

[ondreeuh]

Peela, you don't have any personal experience with it. If homeschooling cured your son's "ADHD" then he did not have it. Your judgment is hurtful.

 

Neither bipolar, schizophrenia, depression, nor epilepsy is diagnosed by blood test. I'm trying to figure out which mental illnesses ARE dx by blood test and don't know of any. Please feel free to correct me. But your assertation that it's not real because it's not dx by blood test is dismissive and disrespectful. Do you also feel that people with bipolar, schizophrenia, epilepsy, depression, etc. are not really suffering?

 

Disease does not mean "creates antibodies." It is a dysfunction of the body. Other diseases that aren't infectious and don't create antibodies are: other mental illnesses, arthritis, diabetes, hypertension, cancers, hernias, etc. I could find hundreds. Just because something is not an infection does not mean it is not a disease, disorder, illness, or problem.

 

ADHD was not created by psychiatrists to market drugs. It was a label applied to a set of symptoms that has caused problems for people for generations. People who had mental illnesses in the past were given other labels; some were institutionalized. My MIL has ADHD, and her father was a physician. He tried to give her tranquilizers (just to take the edge off!) because there was no conventional treatment.

Edited April 28, 2011 by ondreeuh

[ondreeuh]

I just dug up this video of my son when he was about 5. He took a half-hour of swimming lessons and I videotaped one session because I knew someday I would laugh. At the time, it was insanely frustrating to see him cheerfully spit water and splash the other kids, and then look up and give me a thumbs-up.

 

http://www.clipshack.com/Clip.aspx?key=F2299E93143178F0

 

I know the other parents thought he was undisciplined. I think the instructor was a saint.

[LizzyBee]

My dd was diagnosed with ADHD (combined) this year at 3.5 years old. She is extreme with SPD involved too. That said the discipline has been so hard everything that people says works doesn't work. No matter how many times she was sent to her room with the option to have the door open if she doesn't hit or hit and get the door closed she hit and got the door closed. EVERY SINGLE TIME! For over a year of consistent consistent discipline...she truly did not get it. She also has potential for oppositional defiance (leaning towards the disorder) and will purposely say she does not want something if she can't control the situation. I have spent the last 2 years crying about what an awful mother I must be because my 3 year old was so out of control and no matter what I did nothing worked....Now she is on nonstimulant medication and life has taken a 360. She has been slowed just enough that she can process things and discipline is actually starting to work.

 

So yes he very well could have ADHD, he could some oppositional issues going on (its comorbid). Mom probably tries but doesn't know what to do and is at the will of the ADHD. When you spend 5+ years thinking you suck because your kid is out of control it is hard to want to keep trying and pushing when really life is much easier when the child gets his way that trying to discipline consistently and always being pushed against or attacked...its rough. I recommend giving the mother a bit of support and encouraging her to keep trying.

 

:grouphug: I can't tell you how often I thank God that my dd does not have ODD along with ADHD. She actually has a compliant personality and wants to please the adults in her life, and I know that has made all the difference in her behavior as she's gotten older. I'm glad you're getting some relief with the meds.

[Perry]

Peela, you don't have any personal experience with it. If homeschooling cured your son's "ADHD" then he did not have it. Your judgment is hurtful.

 

Neither bipolar, schizophrenia, depression, nor epilepsy is diagnosed by blood test. I'm trying to figure out which mental illnesses ARE dx by blood test and don't know of any. Please feel free to correct me. But your assertation that it's not real because it's not dx by blood test is dismissive and disrespectful. Do you also feel that people with bipolar, schizophrenia, epilepsy, depression, etc. are not really suffering?

 

Disease does not mean "creates antibodies." It is a dysfunction of the body. Other diseases that aren't infectious and don't create antibodies are: other mental illnesses, arthritis, diabetes, hypertension, cancers, hernias, etc. I could find hundreds. Just because something is not an infection does not mean it is not a disease, disorder, illness, or problem.

 

ADHD was not created by psychiatrists to market drugs. It was a label applied to a set of symptoms that has caused problems for people for generations. People who had mental illnesses in the past were given other labels; some were institutionalized. My MIL has ADHD, and her father was a physician. He tried to give her tranquilizers (just to take the edge off!) because there was no conventional treatment.

:iagree:

 

There currently isn't a test for ADHD, but there probably will be in the future. Brain physiology of people with ADHD has been shown to be different compared to those without ADHD through neuroimaging. It's too early for use as a diagnostic tool, but I don't think it will be too long before we see some sort of ADHD test.

[Geo]

I just want to cry for your friend. My son was/is a very difficult child to parent. He would literally spend all day in time out and being spanked because he just.could.not listen. He would hear us, start to obey, and then forget. He was always forgetting the simplest things and I remember going to an event and hearing someone say how my child was out of control. He was. But...they didn't know how hard I had to work to get to the point where we could leave the house and walk through the parking lot.

We were consistent. We were providing a stable home, we had routine, we had consequences to inappropriate behavior, we expected obedience...and we got none. I think for many ADHD children, the link in their brain between cause and effect is broken. My son could not connect his actions with the consequence. When he was being punished he would always say "But I didn't want to...." do whatever it was he was being punished for. At first we thought he was making excuses, but it was for everything. As an example, every night for the past 5 years (he's 7 now) his bedtime has been 8 pm. Every night to this day when 8 pm comes, he is absolutely surprised that he has to go to bed. He has never been allowed to stay up past 8 pm, he has the same routine every day but it's still such a shock to him. It's very difficult to understand because it seems like what works for other kids should work for them..and I'm sure that there are parents who do not discipline their kids well but maybe that's the best they can do until their child's brain catches up with their age.

 

 

:iagree::iagree:

Only, for my son, his brain wasn't catching up...he was falling behind. Medication makes a tremendous difference for him...for the 8-10 hours it's in effect.

 

Geo

Edited April 28, 2011 by Geo

[Geo]

Michelle -- Thanks so much for being a good friend to your friend. Our 8 year old son has sensory processing disorder and mild Aspergers. We are also older parents. I can't tell you the number of our peers who dropped us once we became parents. Add in his quirks and we are often very lonely for adult company. Parents of kids with ADD, ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorders, SPD (etc) are often exhausted and lonely. Just being there and being willing to be (or stay) friends is an incredible gift.

 

:001_wub::001_wub:

Thank you. That's us. I wish we were neighbors.

 

Geo

[Lady Florida.]

:iagree:

 

There currently isn't a test for ADHD, but there probably will be in the future. Brain physiology of people with ADHD has been shown to be different compared to those without ADHD through neuroimaging. It's too early for use as a diagnostic tool, but I don't think it will be too long before we see some sort of ADHD test.

 

Yes. Just because there aren't blood tests for brain disorders doesn't mean they don't exist. Brain imaging shows clear differences between people with ADD/ADHD and those without it. Also the Human Genome Project shows there is a genetic component to the disorder.

 

There is no "cure" for ADD/ADHD. Anyone whose ADD has been cured either never had it in the first place or is fooling themselves.