cdrumm4448 Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 One of my nephews is 18 and will (by the skin on this teeth) soon graduate from high school. He is unmotivated, disrespectful and rude, especially to his parents (my brother and SIL). He is going into the Army shortly after graduation, which is a good thing. If he graduates, that is. So, his parents are planning his graduation party as well as a going away party for him this summer. My parents are invited and will attend, and in our family a gift of money is appreciated. The problem is, this nephew has caused his parents so much trouble, my parents don't feel their grandchild deserves the money. So, they are going to give the gift of money to his parents to hold until they (my brother and SIL) feel he deserves it. I kind of feel the same way, but I don't want my brother and SIL to feel like we're all in cahoots against their child. I though of buying a share of stock for him, or a bond, but I'm afraid he would just sell it right away to get the money. What would you do? Do the same as my parents, or something else? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 Get him a gift card to Target. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tohru Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 If some one has enough, we give money to a charity in honor of them. Maybe give to a charity he likes in his name? A lot of people who aren't used to the idea of giving in honor of some one balk, but it really does have a positive effect on the honored person - especially after they think about the gift. Or just give him money since it's customary and let him make his own decision with how to spend it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 I'd just give him some money. It's polite. You're not making a statement; you're just marking an occasion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 I don't buy into conditional love. It's pretty crappy. Give a gift or don't give a gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kchara Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 I don't buy into conditional love. It's pretty crappy. Give a gift or don't give a gift. :iagree: I'd either give it or not, but I wouldn't get into anything else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 My family has never done the money thing, but my in-laws have and do. I say that just because when similar situations arose in their family, my opinion was always the odd one out. That may well apply here, too. My first thought was: "What do they call the student who graduates bottom of his class in med school?" - Doctor. Skin of his teeth, or not, if he graduates then acknowledge the accomplishment for what it is (... and it sounds like, for him, it would be a definite accomplishment to pull it off at this point.) Is he deserving of money? Beats me. Is he deserving of having his accomplishment recognized in a manner consistent with family tradition? I think so. I think that also gives you leeway, though. One of my extended in-laws pissed away thousands of dollars on drugs and rehab, all in high school. When he finally got his GED, nobody wanted to give the obligatory cash gift for fear of how he might use it. He wanted a new bike, it's not like he was going to squirrel it away for college expenses. My husband refused to send cash, but compromised with me and sent gift cards. Would that work for your nephew? You were purposefully vague, so I don't know if alcohol and drugs play into the fear of what he'll want cash for ... and both are valid concerns. Gift cards could still be sold for cash, but ... at some point we just have to do our end of the bargain (obligatory gift), hope for the best, and put the onus on the receiver to do right by it. My husband enlisted right out of high school, too. He was straightened out pretty fast, and that's really more common than not. I think family support of your nephew's decision is important -- he's already headed down the right road to "earning" your parent's money, why let him leave feeling unsupported and feeling as though he still has something to prove (to them, to you?) even after graduating high school AND being accepted into the job of his choice? What does "earned" look like, to your parents? to you? I think this will vary from family to family -- and only you know the dynamics of yours -- but in my family 'earned' means mission accomplished. To my inlaws, 'earned' means not just the destination but the journey there. We celebrate the event, whereas they take the whole person into account. I'd give the cash, or gift cards. My husband would send nothing until the kid graduated from basic training - and he'd be clear and honest about why (to both his nephew and his sibling). I think you should decide what "earned" means to you/your family, and go from there. You sound like a sweet sister to be concerned about how the parents might feel. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 :iagree: I'd either give it or not, but I wouldn't get into anything else. :iagree: I don't buy into conditional love. It's pretty crappy. Give a gift or don't give a gift. :iagree: If he already feels like an outcast, why continue that? I am sure the other grandkids have made their share of bad choices and mistakes as well. Unless the terms of acceptance were laid out before, I think it is wrong for the rules to be different for just one personl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 I don't buy into conditional love. It's pretty crappy. Give a gift or don't give a gift. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PentecostalMom Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 If he has a car, give him a gas card. I agree with the others, though. Give it or don't, but with no strings attached. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 I don't buy into conditional love. It's pretty crappy. Give a gift or don't give a gift. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halftime Hope Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 I have been in a situation very similar to yours, in which we really felt torn. After thinking about it for a long time, I finally decided to treat the young person as thought I was expecting the best of them, and as though the problems they were going through were temporary. I wanted to keep doors open, so that this child would remember that we had always treated him/her with respect and kindness and not have one more thing to hold against the family. The parents might have to exercise tough love, but it is nice if the extended family can simply support and hold out love to the young one. That said, I'd get the student a gift card to a hip clothing store or to a nice place to buy "guy gear." (REI or Cabela's) Not to Target or someplace that could sell him liquor, if that's part of the problem. hth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cdrumm4448 Posted April 25, 2011 Author Share Posted April 25, 2011 Thank you everyone for your replies. I am considering each of them. To give a little more background, by nephew has thankfully never been involved with drugs, alcohol, or been arrested (that I know of). He has, however, shirked responsibility at every turn. His parents asked him to get a part time job when he turned 16; he told them no. His parents wouldn't let him get a driver's license until he had a PT job to pay for a portion of his car insurance; he wasn't interested. He has no money except what he is given by his parents or for his birthday. He does no homework or chores; he plays video games at every opportunity. He doesn't contribute to the family in any meaningful way. His disobedience has continued for so long, there's no changing it now. He is entering the military because he has nowhere else to go. He doesn't want to go to college or get a job. He wants to live at home and just exist while my brother and SIL pay for it. He is profane and provokes my brother. He tries to get his parents to divorce. He has no direction or intention to get any. His parents aren't perfect, but they've tried everything to get through to him. Nothing has worked. My parents don't consider graduating with a bunch of Fs and accomplishment, but worse than that, they hate how their grandson treats his father and mother. It's a mess. I'm hoping the army is the answer for him. It's a good learning experience for me, as my kids are much younger. I'm thinking gift card, but I'll keep you all posted. Thanks for reading. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehog Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 I'm sorry, it's obviously not a great situation. :grouphug: I think I'd just get a gift card from a store you know he likes. IMO there is nothing to be gained from withholding a gift for a nephew. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 I don't buy into conditional love. It's pretty crappy. Give a gift or don't give a gift. :iagree: The teen will remember who did and didn't "punish" him. Let the chips fall where they may. Hopefully in time, he will grow up. But no need to send him a message. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 I would give him something. I dropped out of highschool at 16, right after 10th grade. The following May I got pregnant with my daughter. That September I went back to school and went to a BOCES program. June of 2001 I graduated ON TIME when I should have if I didn't leave. Not GED, regular regents highschool diploma. My family did nothing for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 Thank you everyone for your replies. I am considering each of them. To give a little more background, by nephew has thankfully never been involved with drugs, alcohol, or been arrested (that I know of). He has, however, shirked responsibility at every turn. His parents asked him to get a part time job when he turned 16; he told them no. His parents wouldn't let him get a driver's license until he had a PT job to pay for a portion of his car insurance; he wasn't interested. He has no money except what he is given by his parents or for his birthday. He does no homework or chores; he plays video games at every opportunity. He doesn't contribute to the family in any meaningful way. His disobedience has continued for so long, there's no changing it now. He is entering the military because he has nowhere else to go. He doesn't want to go to college or get a job. He wants to live at home and just exist while my brother and SIL pay for it. He is profane and provokes my brother. He tries to get his parents to divorce. He has no direction or intention to get any. His parents aren't perfect, but they've tried everything to get through to him. Nothing has worked. My parents don't consider graduating with a bunch of Fs and accomplishment, but worse than that, they hate how their grandson treats his father and mother. It's a mess. I'm hoping the army is the answer for him. It's a good learning experience for me, as my kids are much younger. I'm thinking gift card, but I'll keep you all posted. Thanks for reading. Sounds depressed. I'd give him something. Hope for the best--the army seems like a good choice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 (edited) I don't buy into conditional love. It's pretty crappy. Give a gift or don't give a gift. :iagree: Just read the rest: Honestly, I don't know why they are throwing him a graduation party to be honest (but then, I've never been to one nor had one...we just didn't do that sort of thing). Give him a farewell get together, don't feel obligated to give him a monetary gift, feel free to buy him whatever you want/think he will need. I'd be tempted to buy him some kind of self help book, but that would be passive aggressive and nothing like rubbing it in that you feel like he's not worth much. Instead, give him something kind and useful, know that the military just might be the best thing for him right now as they will kick his rear into gear (basically, they will tear apart who he is now and rebuild him into what they want him to become...which sounds like it will be better than where he is at now), and be happy & hopeful for the man he may become :) Edited April 25, 2011 by mommaduck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cdrumm4448 Posted April 26, 2011 Author Share Posted April 26, 2011 (edited) I anticipate that we will all be proud of him in a year. What do people going into the military want or need? What are they allowed to do/have? ETA: I am also curious why they are throwing him not only a graduation party, but a separate, huge party with 100+ guests and a full pig roast. He cashed out his savings account to go to prom and told his parents he's spending the night in a hotel with his date. They told him not while he's living in their house. He said f-you to both of them. My brother calmly took him outside and told him to come back when he apologizes. He spent the night somewhere, then came home this morning with a half-hearted apology. My SIL is about to have a nervous breakdown, and I worry about her. I think she is taking it badly how he's leaving (for the army). Maybe they're trying to do the right thing. Edited April 26, 2011 by cdrumm4448 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 Give the kid some money and wish him well. The army will straighten him out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bzymom Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 I feel badly for your brother & SIL, but I also have to wonder what in the world is going on with this kid that he is so apathetic about his future, and so angry. I don't doubt that his parents have worn themselves out trying to help him--I know great parents can have really tough kids. Perhaps the party is a great big sigh of relief by his parents. He is finishing high school, and hopefully will find some purpose in the military. He certainly won't be mouthing off! Personally, I would most likely give a small gift card or cash, along with a card voicing support for his choice to enter the military and hope for his future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.