How much "socialization" or activity do our kids really need?

[I.Dup.]

This is the main thing I struggle with guilt over regarding homeschooling. I don't mind if we take breaks throughout the year, have to catch up over the summer, etc, etc, but this really eats at me.

 

I have been pregnant and/or nursing almost solidly for the past several years. My oldest is a girl and the rest are all boys. We love having a big family and this is the choice we have made, but there are sacrifices involved...one being I often don't have the energy or motivation to run my kids around to different activities and groups and meetings and lessons and whatever else. Even if I did have the energy, one of the babies would probably be napping. Isn't this one reason we homeschool- so we don't have to run around all the time?!

 

I do feel guilty though because my oldest is super social and would love to be involved in everything under the sun. I AM giving her lots of siblings to play with, but that doesn't seem good enough for her. :tongue_smilie: It worries me that she may grow up feeling deprived since we are largely homebodies. Maybe that will change someday, I don't know.

 

Are you fine with your kids learning how to keep themselves occupied at home, or do most homeschoolers really make the effort to get out there and be really active in lessons and the community?

[Chris in VA]

WEll, I've basically got an only--she has two brothers, but they are 8 and 10 years older than her.

 

I do wish we had more siblings for her--

 

Do you think part of the problem for your dd is the girl/boy thing? Do her siblings share her interests?

 

I would go ahead and let her do one thing--maybe scouts, or a music lesson, or something that she really, really wants to do. I don't think kids need to be dragged around everywhere, but I do think some outside, interest-based interaction is both important and, well, FUN.

[mrs.m]

I intentionally have started limiting activity. Children don't get to play enough if they are over programmed.

 

The guilt was creeping in but then I read this article:

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/parenting-family/story/2011/04/Are-parents-overprotecting-their-kids/46135302/1?loc=interstitialskip It made me cry!

[warriormom]

Depends on how many kids you have?:)

[Ellie]

Not nearly so much as non-homeschoolers (or our dc) think they need.

 

A monthly park day, weekly Sunday school, midweek church activities, goofing off with siblings...this is plenty of socializing.

 

Your oldest might grow up feeling deprived. Such is life. My younger dd always wanted way more socilization, but I purposely kept it to a minimum just because she wanted it so much. I believe that if I had allowed her to go to school, she would have been class president, head cheerleader, and everything else...but I would have lost her, academically and spiritually. She'd tell you the same thing. :001_smile:

 

I allowed her to do a few things--Scottish Highland dance, ballet, Camp Fire, 4-H--things which either we all enjoyed (going to Highland games, for example) or which didn't suck the life out of us with classes and practices and whatnot. But notice that while all of them allowed socializing, all of them were mixed ages, with a great deal of adult supervision and control--unlike life in a classroom, with 30 or so different equally immature people controlling her life on a daily basis. (And FTR, none of those activities were during the day; we were home during the day, or we were with family members, with rare outings with other homeschoolers).

 

Stay home. Don't feel guilty. :001_smile:

[EmmaNZ]

My children are born 2004,2006,2008 and2010 (similar to yours). I consider us 'homebodies' as well. We do try to get out of the house once a day though - sometimes for an organised activity, sometimes for a play at the park or beach. Mostly I do it so we can get some exercise,although they do spend a while most days on their scooters in the back garden. My usual time for venturing about is about 3ish after all the naps are done and before teatime.

 

My oldest is also very sociable. I do let him play on the street with the other kids around- usually cricket at the moment.

[LibraryLover]

Unless you have a super-social child, I don't think little kids need much of anything more than trips to the libraries, paddling around the pool or beach, and time to play with a friend or two (if they like that, or, no friends if they have sibs). I loved nothing more than to let my children play for hours together when they were younger. That was an important time in their lives, which bonds them to this day. My kids still find many things to do together. It's a holdiay here, so the three who are home are making iPod movies together right this second. lol

 

I would conserve money and energy in the early years. The time will come when a child has a passion or interest that cannot be ignored. For us, it's music and other arts. Each of my children has a particular passion (and some overlap- dance and music, for instance).

 

You'll know when your child wants more. They will want to do it. You'll also know if your child has a particular passion or talent that needs to be nurtured.

 

We think music lessons are important, and we did make that happen early on.

 

I also think being active is important, so if a family isn't active on their own, I think places like the Y can be very important for swimming and the like, espeically if you live in a cold climate with dramatic weather.

Edited April 18, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Denisemomof4]

I think your dd should have regular time with friends or where she has a friend over. She's at the age where I believe it's important. Not so much so for your boys. Not only are they younger, but there are so many boys that they have their own little social club themselves. :001_smile: Which I think is AWESOME. I'm sure they will want friends when they're older, but I think the focus right now should be for your dd.

 

I know it is probably hard for you to be active with so many little ones, but if your dd could have one activity and regular social time with friends, I think it would be very good for her. JMO.

 

my 11 yo has a homeschool group once per week, synchro swim on Mon/Wed, and three scheduled social days per month with odd ones sprinkled in. I think that's just enough for her, and we still have plenty of time to do things alone or simply stay home. Of course it's easier for me because I no longer have little ones but I did this for my oldest when he was around this age, too.

 

ETA: I don't know why I thought your dd was 11 and that's why I said what I did above. I will stick to it, though, because she's wanting more activity and social time, so I do think that's important. That said, if she was happy to be home at 9, I wouldn't think anything more of it. 9 is still quite young. But where she desires more, I think it would be good for her to have more.

Edited April 18, 2011 by Denisemomof4

[I.Dup.]

Not nearly so much as non-homeschoolers (or our dc) think they need.

 

A monthly park day, weekly Sunday school, midweek church activities, goofing off with siblings...this is plenty of socializing.

 

Your oldest might grow up feeling deprived. Such is life. My younger dd always wanted way more socilization, but I purposely kept it to a minimum just because she wanted it so much. I believe that if I had allowed her to go to school, she would have been class president, head cheerleader, and everything else...but I would have lost her, academically and spiritually. She'd tell you the same thing. :001_smile:

 

I allowed her to do a few things--Scottish Highland dance, ballet, Camp Fire, 4-H--things which either we all enjoyed (going to Highland games, for example) or which didn't suck the life out of us with classes and practices and whatnot. But notice that while all of them allowed socializing, all of them were mixed ages, with a great deal of adult supervision and control--unlike life in a classroom, with 30 or so different equally immature people controlling her life on a daily basis. (And FTR, none of those activities were during the day; we were home during the day, or we were with family members, with rare outings with other homeschoolers).

 

Stay home. Don't feel guilty. :001_smile:

 

Thank you!!! :) I am intentionally keeping her out of things (like school, lol) because I know that it would wreck her in the long run. She puts *everything* into her peer relationships, she does not stand strong on her own at all, and that is one reason I am extra careful with her on this issue. But she still wants it so bad, so I go back and forth about it. Your advice made me feel better, thank you.

 

You'll know when your child wants more. They will want to do it. You'll also know if your child has a particular passion or talent that needs to be nurtured.

 

Yes, the problem is if she knew what was out there I'm sure she'd want to be involved in all of it!! :lol::001_huh:

I have thought about getting more involved with the Y, I think that could be a good option for us. The problem is figuring out the logistics of getting everyone there, when this baby is born I will have 4 under 4 so buckling everyone in and out of their carseats, getting the stroller in and out of the car, bringing them in and out and supervising them all the whole time (not to mention getting them all dressed and ready) is a huge burden on me at this stage of life.

 

 

ETA: I don't know why I thought your dd was 11 and that's why I said what I did above. I will stick to it, though, because she's wanting more activity and social time, so I do think that's important. That said, if she was happy to be home at 9, I wouldn't think anything more of it. 9 is still quite young. But where she desires more, I think it would be good for her to have more.

 

Yes, she definitely has the more social personality so if given the option she'd probably be out doing "stuff" all day, everyday, lol.

[Rosy]

My kids are all pretty social. We do church 3x/week (Sunday service, midweek service, and then they play there with friends while DH and I help with the young adults ministry) and homeschool co-op. The other activities we're in do not help them socially at all, and if anything they prevent us from having more playdates with friends.

 

I am a firm believer in giving kids opportunities to pursue their passions--whether that's music, sports, etc., but you can steer them toward things they can do from home if that's a concern. If it's purely social, yes, I think it's important for homeschooled kids to have friends, but I don't think you need to be gone multiple times a week to facilitate that.

 

Really, the hardest part is finding and making friends. Maintaining friendships is much simpler--dropping them off for playdates or having their friends come over is usually just driving one way, and if it's a good friend you won't be needing to spend a lot of time with them when they're together. I find that a lot of times, having kids over means my kids need less of my attention and I'm free to catch up on chores, reading, etc.

 

You mentioned the Y--ours has childcare included in the cost of the membership. That has made it a great option for us, though we don't use it very often anymore. The childcare made it so if one was in an activity, I could drop the others off and they could play instead of just sitting around and waiting.

[Rosie_0801]

Kids aren't entitled to perfect lives any more than their parents are. They deserve the best we can give, but if we can't give something, bad luck. Call me selfish if you like, but my sanity comes first. If attending an event would have my crying in my room from exhaustion later in the evening, we're not going.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[EmmaNZ]

Kids aren't entitled to perfect lives any more than their parents are. They deserve the best we can give, but if we can't give something, bad luck. Call me selfish if you like, but my sanity comes first. If attending an event would have my crying in my room from exhaustion later in the evening, we're not going.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Peela]

My 2 are very social and they always needed a lot of activities to feel happy. However....I think having a large family would compensate somewhat. I don't know where you live but once they get to a certain age they can organise their own social lives to an extent- my teens certainly do. We no longer homeschool, but neither do I organise anything anymore, but they are always out there doing this or that, or inviting kids over.

I am not sure that I would go along with the attitude that a kid needs to just put up with barely an outside social life because you keep having more children, though- depending on how long that goes. Having 2 very social kids myself, I know they would have resented me for homeschooling if I hadn't got them out of the house regularly- friends in particular are important.

Your balance will be different from mine or anyone else's but I am sure you can find it.

[mcconnellboys]

I make an effort to keep my boys active physically, because I think they really need that. My older son was super social, so I tried to find as many outside activities for him as I could, but there just wasn't as much available in our town then as there is now. I'm having a much simpler time in finding things for my younger son. I think that all junior high/high school age kids need some group activities (unless they're not interested). It's good for them to be able to discuss ideas about school related topics with others their own age so they hear a variety of perspectives (they know my perspective by this age)....

[Clover11]

I am not sure that I would go along with the attitude that a kid needs to just put up with barely an outside social life because you keep having more children, though- depending on how long that goes. Having 2 very social kids myself, I know they would have resented me for homeschooling if I hadn't got them out of the house regularly- friends in particular are important.

 

 

 

I very much agree with this. IMO it isn't fair for a social child to not have opportunities to get out and be 'social' just because they happen to have been born into a large family. I don't mean this is a rude way at all, because I catch myself feeling the same way you do now (and I LOVE large families! I wish I had a few more myself). I've had to rethink things a bit in the last 2 years because my ds/12 is a social boy. He is happier, works harder at his schoolwork at home, has less attitude, etc. when I make sure he has time outside the home with friends.

 

His sisters are quite a bit younger than him (and they are girls!! lol). He is at an age where hanging out with sisters is just not cutting it; he needs to have boys his own age to be around. I strongly believe most children starting around the ages of 10-12 need to have same sex friends outside of the immediate family to connect with.

 

We by no means spend all our time running him around and being slaves to extra curricular activities. He does soccer in the spring & fall, is active in 4H about 1-2x a week through part of the year, a local co-op 1x week for 6 months a year, and a few random things thrown in including co-op park days when I'm not too tired from the littles. Oh, and hanging with a friend one at our house or their every couple weeks. (He would actually like to do more activities, but I think any more would actually be counter productive for our family. I don't want his activities taking over our life).

 

 

I just met a mom at the park the other day who regrets being homeschooled and said she'd never do it to her kids. When asked why, she said she was lonely (even though she had two siblings). She wasn't allowed to do much outside of her family. I have a second cousin and my dh has a niece who feel the same way for practically the same reasons.

Edited April 18, 2011 by Clover11

[Mimm]

I was the oldest girl with several brothers (I have sisters too but they are quite a bit younger than me). I was homeschooled. And I didn't have much of a social life. We didn't get run around to different activities. My mother was tired with the latest baby and of course, the more kids you have, the more money is a consideration. I don't want to be harsh here, but in many ways it feels like my mother having so many babies robbed parts of my childhood. I swore I would do things differently with my kids and I have. Every time I think I might like another baby, I think about music lessons, and ballet classes and basketball and so on... We don't have the money to pay for all these things times four or five or six children. I don't overdo it with my kids, but I want them to have opportunities that I never had.

[Tarreymere]

I think my kids have been fine with playing with neighborhood kids and going to the library or the Y now and then. When they have gotten older the girls tended to want to be a lot more sociable than I thought was good for them, so I had to really enforce limits rather than seeking out opportunities for them.

 

All kids will complain about their circumstances from time to time. I don't think kids need other kids in their lives on a daily basis, especially when they are younger than teenagers. By the time they hit the teen years they will have figured out how to use the phone and will develop an obsession with calling or texting each other constantly, so you won't need to worry about lack of socialization then either.

[Tarreymere]

Don't people live in neighborhoods anymore? We do, and there are kids outside playing and riding bikes around in my neighborhood when public school lets out on weekdays and all day on weekends. I grew up the same way. I guess it just never seemed to me that kids finding other kids to play with needed parental intervention. My parents only had two kids and they certainly were not about to pay for a lot of lessons or other activities. They didn't think that kind of thing was necessary. Don't kids play in parks or playgrounds anymore? Mine do, we go to those on weekends. Sometimes if we see the same kids over and over they get to be friends then too. Otherwise mine just go outside and ride bikes or something after we are done and wait for the school bus to bring home the other kids.I think kids need more time to just be kids and play, not to be signed up for a ton of activities.

[Clover11]

Don't people live in neighborhoods anymore? We do, and there are kids outside playing and riding bikes around in my neighborhood when public school lets out on weekdays and all day on weekends. I grew up the same way. I guess it just never seemed to me that kids finding other kids to play with needed parental intervention. My parents only had two kids and they certainly were not about to pay for a lot of lessons or other activities. They didn't think that kind of thing was necessary. Don't kids play in parks or playgrounds anymore? Mine do, we go to those on weekends. Sometimes if we see the same kids over and over they get to be friends then too. Otherwise mine just go outside and ride bikes or something after we are done and wait for the school bus to bring home the other kids.I think kids need more time to just be kids and play, not to be signed up for a ton of activities.

 

There are quite a few kids in our neighborhood, but none that I want my kids interacting with. Some of these kids are already experimenting with drugs, they are dating (at 12!!), they generally have no supervision and are left to roam the neighborhood as they please. There is one kid that we like and allow him to come over occasionally where we can monitor the behavior and conversation, but we can't trust my son to go to his house due to parental issues there.

[Guest momk2000]

We spend most days at home. I don't know how we would ever get our work done if we didn't. Sometimes I feel guilt, but realize the children get plenty of socialization. They play several afternoons "after School" with their ps friends, and also have a couple "after school" activities. Even though we spend a majority of our days at home, they get plenty of social time.

[Elizabeth in WA]

We spend most days at home. I don't know how we would ever get our work done if we didn't. Sometimes I feel guilt, but realize the children get plenty of socialization. They play several afternoons "after School" with their ps friends, and also have a couple "after school" activities. Even though we spend a majority of our days at home, they get plenty of social time.

 

I don't go anywhere during the school day except for high school lab science that we do with another family at their house. But, my kids do have a full schedule of after school activities as well as neighborhood kids to socialize with.

[I.Dup.]

Thank you all :)

 

I don't want anyone to think we never leave the house or that my children have no opportunities to be social because that is NOT the case. We just spent the day with dd's 2 "best friends" the other day and had a sleepover, and we were getting together with friends a lot more often during warmer weather. Tomorrow we have a picnic with friends planned. I guess I'm the type that just never feels I'm doing "enough."