Slartibartfast Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 My dd is really a lot more forthcoming and open than I think MIL would prefer. She is all about the embarassing/awkward questions, in public. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Gosh, there are so many replies to this that I can't possibly answer all the questions. OK so I talked to dh and dd over pizza. Warned them that yiayia will likely bring this up, and that it is okay to say "thank you yiayia, but that is private with my mom." Dh doesn't really see anything wrong with it, because he grew up with invasive and bold questions all the time, and he has a hard time knowing what is socially appropriate himself. Sooo, I explained why this is not good to talk about and he gets it and is on board. As to why she is saying this, I believe the reasons are twofold: I think she was terribly scarred when it happened to her, and yes, there is a HUGE mountain of respect that I do not get from her. From day one there was "competition" from her. The best example I have is that 2 mths after our wedding I asked him when he had time to iron his shirts, as I hadn't seen him doing it, and I certainly hadn't seen any go through the wash. Turns out his mom had been picking them up, washing, ironing and returning, all on the sly. :glare: I put an end to that btw... but there are always glaring examples of "you're not good enough for my boy" thrown at me. This is just an extension of that. I love her dearly, but oy! Can I please read the fine-print on this marriage contract? There has got to be some MIL clause in there that I can use to my advantage! :tongue_smilie: As for how I will handle it if this comes up again: "Oh MIL, please wait a moment while I find a certain thread on the Hive..." I have some excellent ideas on what to say now! :grouphug: Karyn, Our MILs might come from different ethnic backgrounds but they sound so much alike! When we were first married, she would call our house around 5 pm to tell me "I have (dh's) dinner ready." My reply was "What a coincidence. So do I.":glare: She also called to ask me how the honeymoon was. I don't mean how the trip itself went. She wanted to know how the nights went! I told her "I will not talk about that." I think this issue is one of those "I will not talk about that" issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinaPagnato Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Ummm, I'm guessing most of you guys aren't children of immigrants. Particularly from Greece. Ahem. Anyhoo, I don't see anything to be so drastically offended by. It almost seems like some of you are looking for a reason to lay into your inlaws. Given the cultural context, as well as possible issues with if/how *she* was told about her period, I just think she's showing her love in her own unique way. A simple, and straightforward reply, without all the nuances and backpedaling that Americans sometimes give, is surely in order. "Thanks MIL, I really appreciate your concern. I've talked at great length with dd, and she knows what to expect and feels prepared." In all honesty, if MIL goes ahead and speaks to dd about it without your permission, it needn't be WWIII. Your daughter will perhaps be embarrassed, you will feel irritated, and MIL will have NO IDEA what all the fuss is about. If this happens, help dd deal with it in the most positive way possible. "Honey, that's just the way Grandma is. It's how she shows her love for you. You've just got to accept her for who she is, and assume the best about her." Good teachable moment, IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bkpan Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 :iagree: :iagree: I think a little grace and understanding would go a long way Ummm, I'm guessing most of you guys aren't children of immigrants. Particularly from Greece. Ahem.Anyhoo, I don't see anything to be so drastically offended by. It almost seems like some of you are looking for a reason to lay into your inlaws. Given the cultural context, as well as possible issues with if/how *she* was told about her period, I just think she's showing her love in her own unique way. A simple, and straightforward reply, without all the nuances and backpedaling that Americans sometimes give, is surely in order. "Thanks MIL, I really appreciate your concern. I've talked at great length with dd, and she knows what to expect and feels prepared." In all honesty, if MIL goes ahead and speaks to dd about it without your permission, it needn't be WWIII. Your daughter will perhaps be embarrassed, you will feel irritated, and MIL will have NO IDEA what all the fuss is about. If this happens, help dd deal with it in the most positive way possible. "Honey, that's just the way Grandma is. It's how she shows her love for you. You've just got to accept her for who she is, and assume the best about her." Good teachable moment, IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brasilmom Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Well, maybe you can share with your dd that situation, so she knows that maybe some unwanted question may come her way. I personally would tell my MIL to mind her own business. My own MIL have learned to leave me alone as she has got answers that she did not exactly want. It was long time ago that I stopped being agreable to keep peace and then feel miserable after wards. Now I give them a piece of my mind. If you keep on allowing her run over you, she will keep on doing over and over again. Put a fence up and stop the traffic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 "You are a blessing to our children in so many ways, and I appreciate your concerns. However, I prefer to keep discussions of sensitive personal nature between just my daughter and me. Don't worry; I've made sure she is well informed and won't be frightened by the changes in her body. If she ever seeks out your guidance, of course you are welcome to talk to her. Please don't bring it up to her, as I would hate for her to become uncomfortable with you." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 I would not have a problem with this at all. But I know I'm unusual that regard. If I thought my grandchildren were going to start menses without knowing what was going on, I would want to talk to them. I think you should just reassure grandma that your dd knows in excruciating detail what will happen, and you're sure she would be mortified to discuss it with grandma. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 "I am concerned that you don't tell her what it is all about. I'm afraid for her. I want to talk to her please." "I just told you that she prefers to keep that information personal. IF she wishes to talk to you about it, she will bring it up. If she does not, then you may not invade her privacy." Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JVA Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 I hope I didn't make you feel badly! My MIL is something else entirely -- always making snarky comments about my messy house, my underdressed children (seriously, she thinks they need socks and sweaters in 80 degree weather!), homeschooling, my cooking skills, etc. She complains about me not working to help support our family, then complains about me going to school so that I can get a decent job, complains about the kids attending daycare while I go to school, the list goes on. I don't mean to be nosey- but your husband needs to lay down the LAW with his mother. She needs to keep her negative opinions to HERSELF. And he should draw some very clear lines and put consequences in place. She is WAY over the top. I'm sorry you're having to hear this drivel. He should insist on her respecting you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Haven't read all the responses but had to jump in... mil is waaaaayyyyyy out-of-line :glare: keep reminding yourself that you are choosing to protect dd over caving to mil You can do it!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pahansen Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 (edited) I think what you're really dealing with here is culture clash. You are probably much more reserved (as is dd, likely, since she's your child!) and "American" about the whole thing. Your MIL is probably more open about it. Rather than realizing that you know darned well what's going on in your daughter's life, and how her body works -- it's just not an open topic of conversation, your MIL probably is just worried that you don't talk about it AT ALL. I have a very difficult MIL (with very different worldviews and values from ours) and I can totally imagine this happening to us, but I suspect that your situation is coming out of genuine concern, not a desire to undermine you. If I'm wrong, totally ignore this advice. ;) I grew up with two totally different sets of grandparents -- my mom's were German/English and had been in the US for many, many generations. My dad's were first generation American, and I still had my immigrant great-grandmother around until I was 12. They're two different worlds, and I can guarantee your daughter has noticed this. She may even be able comfortable with both of them, even if you're not. My mom is very reserved, polite, and would feel, I'm certain, exactly as you do. She sounds very much like you. But we would go to Easter dinner (or somesuch) at my dad's family's where there would be 20 women/girls sitting around the table after the dishes were done (the men fled elsewhere), talking about having babies, periods, did you have a boyfriend and why/why not, and any other personal thing you could think of. I learned a lot. ;) But seriously, I can't say it was a bad upbringing. I'm sure my mom just cringed during some of those conversations, knowing that I was sitting there with her, but she'd sit and smile. As for me, I am reserved on the outside, but very comfortable with body issues/sexuality on the inside. It's not a bad combo. My advice would be to talk to your daughter about her grandmother's wishes, and -- unless you think it will totally traumatize her in some way -- let them talk. Then talk again afterward, in case Grandma gives her some wrong/misleading information! It will probably be more uncomfortable for you than for your daughter. I suspect that your daughter is used to her grandmother discussing odd/awkward things, just like I was. Just my $.02. If this seems like bad advice, I'd say have DH step in somehow. (Although this might be the first time he's ever discussed those topics with his mother! The openness with daughters doesn't always translate to openness with sons.) --Pamela Edited February 14, 2011 by pahansen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 :svengo: I don't even know what to say. I have zero MIL experience. I do want to say I admire you for handling it with such grace. Amen! I would have started laughing. Graceful is not my best quality. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Just tell her that you have talk to your dd and she does not want to talk to gma about it. She knows everything she needs to know and she considers it personal and doesn't want to talk about it. I would also warn your dd and prepare her on how she might would handle it if gma tries to talk to her anyway. I warned all of my dd's that when they got to be about 11 or 12 their dr. would ask about their periods when they got their yearly sports physicals. They weren't happy about it but I explained that it was important that their dr. have all of their medical information and that they didn't need to be embarassed about talking to him. But that if anyone else asked it was fine to tell them to MTOB. I also just recently told my 14 year old that the next time she goes they will probably ask her if she is sexually active and she said, "That is just gross and I would not be comfortable talking about it. Please ask him not to ask me that yet." I said ok but that when the time came, she could always talk to him about it but that once again no one else should be asking and that she should let me know if someone did. One of her older sisters was very shy about that until about age 14 or 15 but now all my older girls are much more comfortable talking about just about all bodily functions in mixed family company than I am. Then it is my hubby that puts his hands over his ears while yelling "La La La" and running from the room. I suspect that the younger two will be like their older sisters when they get older as the olders have been the example. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halftime Hope Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 She wanted to know how the nights went! :ack2: :svengo: I can't EVEN imagine! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 (edited) Sounds like a cultural clash to me. At our church (Greek) preteen girls will just break out crying and if asked will openly say they are "just hormonal". Teachers will laugh and tell them they understand or will ask if it's just the hormones. They are all very open about it (granted they don't get into detail about it). In my family, my mother was very German/Finnish and tight lipped about teA and monthlies. If I had a question, I took it to my stepfather who was from the midwest. Karyn, I'm wondering if the "you're not good enough for my boy" bit isn't more a matter of "he didn't marry Greek!" (which can be a huge no-no, especially if he didn't marry and Orthodox person on top of it). I know some can be very open and some are not open at all about it. Edited February 14, 2011 by mommaduck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 "Thank you so much for asking before you tried to talk to DD about something that really is a mother job. I love that you love her so much and worry about her. But really, it's my job as a Mom to prepare her, and I want to assure you that we are all set. I really appreciate that you honored that boundary in advance, because it really is Mom territory." :iagree: Respect, phfft. Some people just need to fear you. :iagree::lol: Oy. She really struggles with boundries, doesn't she? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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