Erica in PA Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I am so burned out with having to navigate my dc's friendships with difficult families, I can't even think through how to manage this latest one. So I need help from the hive here: My 10 yos is invited to one of his best friend's birthday parties on Saturday. It is being held at his apartment, from 2pm and becoming a sleepover that night. He is a good kid and gets along very well with ds. The problem: his family who will be hosting this party are in and out of jail, drug users, violent, and have the police in and out of their home on a regular basis. I have never allowed my ds to go to their apartment, and instead have always brought their ds here to play. I already told the boy that my ds won't be allowed to sleepover, but that he might be able to come over for a little while in the afternoon (thinking that I would be able to stay during that time too.) The more I'm thinking about it, though, I don't really want to sit in a small apartment with these people while a birthday party goes on, which will probably consist of the boys just playing video games or watching movies back in a bedroom somewhere while I sit on a couch with the adults in the living room. But I don't want to disappoint the boy.... So, wwyd?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Have another appointment and just drop off a gift, perhaps. I certainly understand your reluctance to go to the apartment. Best wishes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I;d drop off a gift on the way to another commitment and then next week take the poor little kid out to someplace special in celebration of his birthday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I'd go. I think of kids who have no one come to their parties, and it makes me incredibly sad. It's not a commitment, it's not a big deal. You will be uncomfortable--but that's ok. Nothing like drug use or violence is going to happen while you are there, but if it does, you will leave with your son. They may not be perfect, they may have deep problems, but they probably love their son. Give them the benefit of the doubt, knowing you can keep your son safe by being there. It isn't for long. Go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 "I'm so sorry. We have plans." Make plans so you won't be lying if you're more comfortable with that. Get the kid a present to either drop off in advance or to give to him next time you see him- at your house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujsky Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I;d drop off a gift on the way to another commitment and then next week take the poor little kid out to someplace special in celebration of his birthday. :iagree: Yes, this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snickelfritz Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I'd go. I think of kids who have no one come to their parties, and it makes me incredibly sad. This. Honestly, I would find a reason we couldn't stay long. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackie in AR Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I'd go. I think of kids who have no one come to their parties, and it makes me incredibly sad. It's not a commitment, it's not a big deal. You will be uncomfortable--but that's ok. Nothing like drug use or violence is going to happen while you are there, but if it does, you will leave with your son. They may not be perfect, they may have deep problems, but they probably love their son. Give them the benefit of the doubt, knowing you can keep your son safe by being there. It isn't for long. Go. :iagree: I wouldn't want to do this, but I would. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HistoryMom Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I've been in that situation. We went, and stayed the whole time. They weren't people I'd want to be close friends with or for DD to sleep over with, but they were nice at the party and so happy that we came. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Really? You guys would willingly and purposely take your children to the home of people who are described as "drug users," "violent," and who regularly have the police to their house... ...because you feel bad for their kid if you don't go? Heck no. I'd feel bad for their kid at MY house, not theirs. P.S. It's an assumption and potentially a dangerous one that no violence will take place just because a birthday party is going on at the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackie in AR Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 What better way to help a family out of an unhealthy lifestyle than getting to know them? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Yes, I'd go. But that is just based on the info given. If I knew more details, I could make a better decision. We have a drug abusing son. For a time, the police were at our home frequently. We are not violent, but there was a violent incident. Based on that info, you would probably not risk sending your kid to my home. But there were other things going on as well. I do not know the hearts of that family, and I do not know the type or frequency of the violence, drug use, or police involvement. I don't know the neighborhood, or anything else. But the OP does, apparently. If she is even wondering about going, if it is not a firm NO already in her mind, then I assume there's a very, very good chance it would all be ok--she talks about being uncomfortable, not about being afraid for her safety or her child's safety. If she were in that situation, then I don't think there would even be a question about it. It's hard to give advice over the internet, that's for sure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I have had a history of drug abuse with a very close relative, too, so, I don't mean to sound like I'm being judgmental about something I know nothing about. Being described as "violent" has clinched it for me, though, I just wouldn't risk taking my child into that sort of environment on purpose. But you're right of course that the OP has the facts and knowledge of the family, situation, neighborhood etc much more so than I do. Still, I couldn't help being surprised by the series of "I'd go" posts after hearing the environment described the way it was- especially the "violent" part. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Oh, I hear ya! I kinda surprised myself, saying I'd go--I'm pretty protective, esp of my youngest. I guess I just see a different side. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackie in AR Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I have had a history of drug abuse with a very close relative, too, so, I don't mean to sound like I'm being judgmental about something I know nothing about. Being described as "violent" has clinched it for me, though, I just wouldn't risk taking my child into that sort of environment on purpose. But you're right of course that the OP has the facts and knowledge of the family, situation, neighborhood etc much more so than I do. Still, I couldn't help being surprised by the series of "I'd go" posts after hearing the environment described the way it was- especially the "violent" part. I believe that the only way to make a difference in people's lives is to roll up your sleeves and get in there and do it instead of expecting someone else or the government to step up to the plate. If the violence is going on day and night, no, I wouldn't go, but if it is occasional I would go and hope that I could in some way make a difference for the child and/or his family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erica in PA Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 Yes, I'd go. But that is just based on the info given. If I knew more details, I could make a better decision. We have a drug abusing son. For a time, the police were at our home frequently. We are not violent, but there was a violent incident. Based on that info, you would probably not risk sending your kid to my home. But there were other things going on as well. I do not know the hearts of that family, and I do not know the type or frequency of the violence, drug use, or police involvement. I don't know the neighborhood, or anything else. But the OP does, apparently. If she is even wondering about going, if it is not a firm NO already in her mind, then I assume there's a very, very good chance it would all be ok--she talks about being uncomfortable, not about being afraid for her safety or her child's safety. If she were in that situation, then I don't think there would even be a question about it. It's hard to give advice over the internet, that's for sure. No, you're right, I don't think there will be open drug use or violence at the party. One or more of the adults might be on something, and there could be a verbal fight between the adults at the party, but that would be the worst I would expect. (Of course, you never know for sure, though.) I don't think my son's physical safety would be at risk, especially with me there watching. It's more that I don't trust their supervision of the children, which is why I wouldn't leave ds there alone. Also, my impression is that the boy's other friends are pretty rough, and there will likely be conversation topics that these adults would not think twice about, that I would never want ds to be part of. So it's more a question of supervision than anything, really. I wish I knew for sure whether the other kids who were invited are able to come. If they are, I would much rather skip the party altogether, and give the child his present when we see him next week. If no one else is coming, then I'd feel more inclined to stop in for at least a while... but I have no way of knowing this...:confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2cents Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I'd go but stay and try to get to know the parents a little more. In view of what you do know of the history though, I wouldn't allow the sleepover and would continue to allow only monitored visits to the boy's house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 No, you're right, I don't think there will be open drug use or violence at the party. One or more of the adults might be on something, and there could be a verbal fight between the adults at the party, but that would be the worst I would expect. (Of course, you never know for sure, though.) I don't think my son's physical safety would be at risk, especially with me there watching. It's more that I don't trust their supervision of the children, which is why I wouldn't leave ds there alone. Also, my impression is that the boy's other friends are pretty rough, and there will likely be conversation topics that these adults would not think twice about, that I would never want ds to be part of. So it's more a question of supervision than anything, really. I wish I knew for sure whether the other kids who were invited are able to come. If they are, I would much rather skip the party altogether, and give the child his present when we see him next week. If no one else is coming, then I'd feel more inclined to stop in for at least a while... but I have no way of knowing this...:confused: Given the additional info, I think I would go and see who else is there. Have a ready excuse to leave, another appointment or something, but play it by ear. If no one else is there, stay longer - if there are other kids but things are okay, stay longer - if there are plenty of other kids, especially of the rough variety, or the adults are out of hand, drop off the gift and go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarrieF Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 That is a tough, tough situation. Any chance of a blizzard or flood popping up between now and the party?! (Just kidding, of course.) DS's (and your) safety have to be #1 consideration, not the feelings/perceptions of others, so I would make the decision based on this primarily. The bottomline is that you need to do what you will be best able to "live" with, and only you know what that is. I would definitely use this as an opportunity to have a good "life" talk with your DS, pointing out the difficulty in knowing how to help people, how to protect yourself/those you love, etc. If he is old enough and/or mature enough, this could be a fantastic learning experience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Given the additional info, I think I would go and see who else is there. Have a ready excuse to leave, another appointment or something, but play it by ear. If no one else is there, stay longer - if there are other kids but things are okay, stay longer - if there are plenty of other kids, especially of the rough variety, or the adults are out of hand, drop off the gift and go. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Tough it out and go. It probably means a lot to the little birthday fella. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I have dealt with this exact situation more than once. Just go to the party for a couple hours as an act of kindness. Smile and chat and help with the food. Or if they're not receptive to chatting or offers of help, pull out some knitting or cross-stitch or something to occupy your hands. Don't bring work to do--that will make it obvious that you're babysitting. But a little handiwork will keep you from screaming with boredom, and you can watch the festivities and make casual commentary on the side about how cute so-and-so is or what a great gift such-and-such is. When you leave tell them you are glad you got to know them better and thank them for the party invitation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaJeanne Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Given the additional info, I think I would go and see who else is there. Have a ready excuse to leave, another appointment or something, but play it by ear. If no one else is there, stay longer - if there are other kids but things are okay, stay longer - if there are plenty of other kids, especially of the rough variety, or the adults are out of hand, drop off the gift and go. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rwilliams Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 If I felt that we would be safe, I would go! Think of it as an adventure. I like to leave my comfort zone on purpose. Use it as a time to get to know more about his family and background. You can usually find something in commom with most people if you try. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostSurprise Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 It's tough enough to be the good kid with the messed up family. I'm an adult. I'd rather suck it up for an hour of discomfort and encourage the child then say no and let him wonder if being a good kid is worth the effort if everyone judges you by your family anyway. Of course this is discounted by the presence of violence/drugs at the party (unlikely, usually people have some idea of what is expected at a birthday party). Then graciously bow out and invite him over later to do something special with your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erica in PA Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 I am so burned out with having to navigate my dc's friendships with difficult families, I can't even think through how to manage this latest one. So I need help from the hive here: My 10 yos is invited to one of his best friend's birthday parties on Saturday. It is being held at his apartment, from 2pm and becoming a sleepover that night. He is a good kid and gets along very well with ds. The problem: his family who will be hosting this party are in and out of jail, drug users, violent, and have the police in and out of their home on a regular basis. I have never allowed my ds to go to their apartment, and instead have always brought their ds here to play. I already told the boy that my ds won't be allowed to sleepover, but that he might be able to come over for a little while in the afternoon (thinking that I would be able to stay during that time too.) The more I'm thinking about it, though, I don't really want to sit in a small apartment with these people while a birthday party goes on, which will probably consist of the boys just playing video games or watching movies back in a bedroom somewhere while I sit on a couch with the adults in the living room. But I don't want to disappoint the boy.... So, wwyd?? Well, we decided not to go after all. I talked to ds, and told him that I was planning to go and stay. Although he understood why he couldn't go alone, he really didn't want me to stay. He thought that would look really weird, especially since the kids would all be back in the bedroom playing video games. He said he'd rather miss the party altogether than have me sit there. He loved the idea of having his friend over next week for dinner and birthday cake, and giving him his gift then. So I let that be my deciding factor, and we made plans to spend the day in MD with dh's family. Ds called his friend and said he took it fine, and they had a nice conversation on the phone after that. Honestly I'm feeling very relieved. We have this friend over every Wednesday to spend time with ds and our family, so I'm not concerned that this will make him feel rejected. Thank you for all the advice-- you all helped me think through this difficult situation and make the best decision I could. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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