How do I approach this? Personal change?

[Trivium Academy]

I've come to the conclusion that I'm wasting time being upset at the people in my life that upset me. There must be something I can change or learn to change about myself that will prevent others from getting my rankles up.

 

My problem is I don't know how to identify what it is I need/want to change. I just know I'm 31 years old, my children are still relatively young and I want to better myself not just for me but for them as well. I want to be more emotionally intelligent, able to stop myself from being upset by someone else's actions/words and able to avoid being a doormat or volcano. Can I do this and still be nice? I don't want to be rigid, but smarter about how I interact with others.

 

Anyone been there, done that? Or have any advice? Is this something best handled with a therapist? (Please say no...)

[Ohio12]

I know you are a pastor's wife. My mom was as well and she struggled with this same stuff. However, she didn't really ever conquer it and that was not good for our family. Can you find a good Christian counselor to go to? Another thing that has helped me is Beth Moore's Bible studies, Believing God and Breaking Free.

 

Also, I can tell from your posts that you are a very sweet lady, so you probably don't show any of these "upset" feelings you have, but it probably is affecting you on the inside a great deal.

[Plaid Dad]

I went through something like this in my 20's, and a book that was useful to me then was How to Be an Adult. I haven't looked at it again in years, but if memory serves the author is a Christian. It really helped me to identify what I could and could not change in my relationships, and that information freed me from a lot of unrealistic expectations - of myself and of others. HTH!

[Maria from IN]

You're already on the right track here, about wanting to interact differently with others. So many people think "if I just change the way they think or talk or behave I would feel so much better..." when it's really just changing the way you react to people that counts.

 

I found this out the hard way when I was stuck in a bad marriage. Once I realized I couldn't change him, but could change my reactions to his behavior, I began to see that things could be better and I looked more realistically at our relationship. It's hard to do and takes time, and I know you don't want to pursue therapy, but a counselor would be an excellent resource to "bounce" your thoughts off of. They can help organize your thoughts and offer strategies that change the way you react and lower your stress when dealing with these people. As a pastor's wife, who interacts with many, many people, you may want to look into this. ;)

[G5052]

Maybe I'm showing my colors here as a Baby Boomer and Well Spouse (spouse of someone with chronic illness). Frankly my expectations of people have dropped significantly over the years. In general, I would say that most of us really don't understand other people that well, even those close to us. It's almost a miracle that marriages and friendships survive at all. So I'm delighted when someone truly understands and/or appreciates and let it drop when they don't. A glimmer here and there is good enough for me these days.

 

With DH's six years of chronic illness and disability this has become a constant exercise, but it's just part of the territory. Truly only a very few people understand what we're going through, and that's fine. I'm not one to gloss over difficulty or "play nice," and I know that offends some people too. I'd rather tell them, "Well, I really don't think you fully understand our situation, but thanks for your comment," than clam up or play along sweetly. Sometimes a brief, honest response will let them know how you feel and quietly end it. I sure do that a lot.

 

:001_smile:

[Trivium Academy]

I think first I'll finish reading Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. Townsend, and I think I have another book along these lines that I forgot about until you mentioned How to Be an Adult. What a humbling title! I saw the inside pages at Amazon and it looks good, after we move I'll get it from the library, thanks Drew!

 

I had picked up Boundaries when I was dealing with unwanted continuous advice (and behind-the-back comments) from my in-laws but never finished reading it or even had a thought about making concentrated changes within myself, just an instant fix for that situation.

[kalanamak]

I want to be more emotionally intelligent, able to stop myself from being upset by someone else's actions/words and able to avoid being a doormat or volcano. Can I do this and still be nice? I don't want to be rigid, but smarter about how I interact with others.

 

 

Change your definition of nice. Is it nice to put up with garbage? Is that, in the end, "kind" to that person?

Learn to say no with grace.

Make a little more space between you and everyone else and then mooch back in slowly only to those who deserve your trust.

Just some ideas. HTH.

[LNC]

This book is wonderful for what you are needing.

 

http://www.amazon.com/War-Words-Communication-Struggles-Resources/dp/0875526047

 

Bless you!

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I've come to the conclusion that I'm wasting time being upset at the people in my life that upset me. There must be something I can change or learn to change about myself that will prevent others from getting my rankles up.

 

My problem is I don't know how to identify what it is I need/want to change. I just know I'm 31 years old, my children are still relatively young and I want to better myself not just for me but for them as well. I want to be more emotionally intelligent, able to stop myself from being upset by someone else's actions/words and able to avoid being a doormat or volcano. Can I do this and still be nice? I don't want to be rigid, but smarter about how I interact with others.

 

Anyone been there, done that? Or have any advice? Is this something best handled with a therapist? (Please say no...)

 

BTDT. I, too, had to deal with this. I think it's great you're reading Boundaries, that's a wonderful place to start. Another thing that has helped me is finding one or two women who I can trust and talk to. Now, being a pastor's wife (I was one, too) it should maybe be someone outside of the church especially if some of the things are church-related.

 

Another thing that helped me was realizing that I have a choice. I can't choose what people will say to me, or their attitudes toward me, but, I have the power to decide how I will react/respond to them. I rely on God to show me what that is. Sometimes, the situation warrants me talking to them about how they have behaved toward me. Sometimes, I have to realize that "hurt people will hurt people" and pray for them. Sometimes, I have to look inside myself and realize that, eventhough, maybe the way the person dealt with it was wrong, they might have had a point, and I need to change something about myself. And sometimes, I can just say, "Well, what can I do about that!"

 

Choice is a powerful thing. God gives us the opportunity to decide how we will respond, and then, He gives us the power to do it when we rely on Him.

 

God bless you, Jessica. :001_smile:

[OnTheBrink]

I find that just when I get to the point where I want to change something about myself, God gives me many opportunities for practice. ;)

 

Start working on be aware of the things that trigger the behaviors you want to change. If someone wants or expects you to do something that you can't or don't want to do, practice not giving them an answer right then. Say, "Let me check my calendar/with my dh and I'll get back to you." Then you can decide if what they're wanting is something feasible you can do without feeling railroaded into it.

 

If you're in a volatile situation where you know you're going to blow, excuse yourself, go to the bathroom, outside, wherever, to pray and calm down, then come back and respond instead of react. Soon, you'll get to the point where you don't need to leave, but will be able to calm yourself right then and not resemble Mt. St. Helens. :)

 

Do you need therapy? I wouldn't think so, because you're wanting to change behaviors, and you can control your behaviors with practice.

[elegantlion]

I went through something like this in my 20's, and a book that was useful to me then was How to Be an Adult. I haven't looked at it again in years, but if memory serves the author is a Christian. It really helped me to identify what I could and could not change in my relationships, and that information freed me from a lot of unrealistic expectations - of myself and of others. HTH!

 

 

Thanks for the suggestion, I could have used that in my 20's. I guess it's never too late :001_huh:. I just adding to my amazon shopping list.

 

I don't have any real advice to add, except I understand your struggle. :grouphug:

[sweetbaby]

Bless your heart, Jessica. I know how you are feeling. We know that we can't change or control the actions of others but only ours. I had a problem with my attitude in the past and I had been praying for the Lord to show me who I really was through His eyes and I began to see how I had the nastiest attitude. This would really display in certain situations esp. with those that I would feed certain individuals with a long handled spoon as not to allow them to upset me. I was in torment after each encounter because I would house bitter feelings for that person. They would happily go their merry way of course so I was basically imprisoning myself.

 

I have to finally come to the realization that people are doing what they have always done but God wanted to do a work in me. I need to love just as He loved. An agape love. That's easier said than done but I had to walk in it daily. I had to pray for His eyes so that I could view those people the way that He did and I had to pray for His heart so that I could love the way that He loves. Then I prayed for discernment and wisdom as how to handle those situations that needed a firm hand. I use to think that being a Christian meant being a doormat for others but I was so wrong. Jesus was no doormat and neither am I. He stood firm as the Spirit led Him and was quiet in the same. I want to do the same. Praying for you, sis. :)

[Sharon in SC]

Once I realized I couldn't change him, but could change my reactions to his behavior....

 

I think this is going to be key to accomplishing your goal when it comes to dealing with caustic relationships. Blessings, Jessica, in your endeavor!

[Trivium Academy]

Thank You for your help, wisdom and advice. I'm reading Boundaries by Dr. Cloud/Townsend and it is very enlightening. I'm so grateful for this community that I've come to know in the last few years.

[Alexandra]

was: You add suffering to the world just as much when you take offense as when you give offense.

 

I find it difficult to NOT take offense at times but this idea is helpful to me. I also realize that I often go back to the same $%@ people thinking maybe this time we can get along. Nope, nope, nope. Sometimes a little discrimination in the company we keep can help enormously.

 

Alexandra

[Mrs. Readsalot]

Wow I have been in the same place. I overcame it by two very simple exercises. Everytime I would start thinking those thought I would say to myself Stop It! and force myself to think about something positive or productive. I realized that the negative voice was robbing me and my son of time I could/should have been spending thinking about our homeschooling. So homeschooling planning was what I usually turned to. After a while, the negative thoughts stopped coming. Now it's usually just when something new pops up. Also I made a personal decision not to let that person steal my joy. That would just be giving them power over me and it made my mad at myself for letting it happen. Thus I decided NOT to give them that power.

[WTMindy]

Wow I have been in the same place. I overcame it by two very simple exercises. Everytime I would start thinking those thought I would say to myself Stop It! and force myself to think about something positive or productive. I realized that the negative voice was robbing me and my son of time I could/should have been spending thinking about our homeschooling. So homeschooling planning was what I usually turned to. After a while, the negative thoughts stopped coming. Now it's usually just when something new pops up. Also I made a personal decision not to let that person steal my joy. That would just be giving them power over me and it made my mad at myself for letting it happen. Thus I decided NOT to give them that power.

 

Not to sidetrack this good conversation, but your advice reminded me of this great skit with Bob Newhart as a therapist....Stop it!

[WTMindy]

Jessica, choose forgiveness and joy. Always choose over resentment and bitterness. And when you are tempted to go back and hang on to the bitterness, choose joy again. Find some music that helps you with this and always have it handy to put on and start singing. I find that I can not hold a grudge and sing praise songs at the same time. So, I sing until my heart is right again. :-)

 

I'll never forget one Christmas where I had been going through a hard time and Avalon sings an awesome version of Joy to the World that I played over and over and over again literally telling myself to choose joy. Pretty soon the beat, and the message of the song would take over my heart. Now when that song comes on it reminds me of that time and how God used it to minister to my heart during a trying time.

 

I'm praying for you Jessica, that you will be able to make progress in this area.

[Mrs. Readsalot]

Not to sidetrack this good conversation, but your advice reminded me of this great skit with Bob Newhart as a therapist....Stop it!

 

Thanks for posting the link. Actually that is the video I think of when I tell myself to stop it, cracks me up everytime. :lol: OK now that everyone thinks my attempt at personal mental health is crazy you all know me a bit better. But it does work!!

[Trivium Academy]

Since writing the original post I've read Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend and I'm currently reading Boundaries in Marriage by the same authors.

 

I just wanted to share my appreciation for your comments, thoughts and suggestions because these books are blessing me greatly as they provide an inside look of how I've failed to establish proper boundaries with the people in my life. I've already started making changes and internally it is a making a huge difference.

 

It amazes me how strangers can come together on a board like this and truly make a difference in each other's lives. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for participating and sharing, for two years now I have been blessed again and again by the wisdom, empathy and openness of this board's participants.

[8filltheheart]

Jessica,

 

I really struggled with this a lot, especially after my parents died and my siblings went bizerk with the "it's mine" war.

 

You know what has helped me the most......to be firmly centered in my values and beliefs. I can't change others......their behaviors or opinions. But as long as I know what I believe and why I believe what I do and my actions reflect that, I have inner peace.

 

I am now aware that outside validation is meaningless. It is the inner peace between me and God and the knowledge that my thoughts and actions are validated by Him that matters.

 

Though I am a very opinionated person, I have also learned to keep my mouth shut when I know before hand that my words will have no impact. When I am in that situation, I instead send up a silent prayer for the individual.

[muffinmom]

I struggle with those things too. My low level of energy has forced me to draw some tight boundaries in relationships. I could only take on so much. I've had to look at myself and say, What am I responsible for here (what am I responsible for as a wife, a mother, a friend, a family member, etc.)? and then do no more than that. IOW, know your general role and boundaries. Maybe as situations come up, you'll default to your general role, then you can adjust if the circumstances deem it necessary.

 

I don't know what pushes your buttons, but for me, this usually became an issue because someone's lousy choices affected my life unfairly. So now when I try to stick to my boundaries, this includes allowing people's poor choices to fall back on them as much as possible.

 

Sometimes being nice means you also have to show kindness and respect to yourself. And that means saying "no, that's not my job" sometimes (in a kind way, of course). And granted, it feels uncomfortable sometimes. But it's not right for you to take on all the discomfort of bearing the load while they go on their merry way because you were "too nice."

 

HTH.

[Geo]

Read "Changes That Heal" (How to understand your past to ensure a healthier future) by Dr. Henry Cloud.

Not another useless self-help book.

He helps you see where you need boundaries as well as what things are not your responsibility and what are not the responsibilities of others. Lot's more. At only $5.99, you couldn't choose a better place to begin. Guaranteed you will see yourself in this book.

 

Geo

[Hoggirl]

While I do think that Boundaries is a great book, my recollection is that it wasn't really applicable in my situation. I have to be around my father-in-law. I can't avoid him like I might otherwise be able to with other people in my life. You can't write off your family. My fil isn't evil, physically abusive, etc. but he is incredibly difficult for me to be around. My parents are deceased (both were before I married) so, while my dh and I do have good boundaries about holiday time, if we are doing holiday visits it is ALWAYS with my in-laws.

 

I have been told over and over again by wise friends that I can only change the way I react to him. The cruel irony is that I can almost ALWAYS anticipate what he will say, how he will react, etc. One would think this would make me handle it better, but the fact that it is a self-fulfilling prophecy really makes it worse!!! Sometimes I do better around him than others. And, for some reason it never seems to fail that I have to be around him at "that time of the month." One of my dear friends told me, "Well, God knows you are going to be kind of miserable then anyway, so God is protecting you from having to be miserable twice!" Honestly, however, I have not been very good about changing the way I react to him. I don't really react to him but rather to my dh who has told me many times, "I can't get my father to behave." And, this is just it. I just want him to give me some common courtesy, but he is just not a nice person to ANYONE! The biggest (really ONLY) source of friction in our marriage is my fil!

 

For me, I just want people to please people, and most of the time I can do this! But it bugs the cr*p out of me that there is just no PLEASING my fil. My only child nature really needs to please people. So, yes, this is MY issue. But many of the issues are HIS, and I have to keep reminding myself of this. I tend to "blame" myself when things aren't "right," but things are never "right" with this man, and I CANNOT fix it.

 

So, I have rambled on entirely too much. All to say, that I DO understand how you feel, but to honestly say, I have not personally had success in changing the way I react to CERTAIN people. I keep trying, but it is a long, hard race. And, some people are just jerks. Sorry...that isn't very Christ-like.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I think first I'll finish reading Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. Townsend, and I think I have another book along these lines that I forgot about until you mentioned How to Be an Adult. What a humbling title! I saw the inside pages at Amazon and it looks good, after we move I'll get it from the library, thanks Drew!

 

I had picked up Boundaries when I was dealing with unwanted continuous advice (and behind-the-back comments) from my in-laws but never finished reading it or even had a thought about making concentrated changes within myself, just an instant fix for that situation.

 

Jessica,

What about The Five Love Languages. I know that it helps me when I remember that my mom's method of showing love is quite a bit different from the ways I've grown into as an adult.

I also got a lot out of reading about William Glasser's Control Theory/Choice Theory. Originally developed out of his classroom management theories. The general idea here is that you can't actually make anyone else do something. They are always free to choose the thing that you don't want them to do.

[OhM]

Plaid Dad's book recommendation looks great.

 

Just the other day, reading my very first Brother Cadfael book (recommended here!), I found on the first page something to the effect of:

 

People are variable, fallable, and to be humored.

 

That's been stuck in my brain ever since, and it sums up what I try to remember when I'm tempted to harbor bitterness. The other thing that helps is being deliberately aware of just how much others have "humored" me, and shown me much more grace.

[clementine]

I read the book "How to Hug a Porcupine"

 

It gave suggestions on how to understand why the 'prickly' people in your life are the way they are & ways to understand that we can't change them - just the way we react to them. I helped me with my MIL.

 

HTH