Apparently I "ruin Christmas" every year...

[newbie]

:grouphug: You know in situations like this, I well time drink of your choice can really help add a rosy glow to the holidays. After all, it is the holiday and I think the rules apply. I little Bailey's in your coffee, a little vodka in your OJ, a little wine with your dinner. You know, not enough to get drunk but just enough to help keep you in the holiday spirits. ;)

Is that hy they call it holiday cheer? Pour me some

[Denisemomof4]

I only read your first post and nothing else.

 

I completely understand not enjoying Christmas. You have a lot you have to get over, get by, overlook, be put through, etc. etc. And I can see how that weighs you down.

 

This year and last, I juat hate the holiday season Thanksgiving - New Year. I can't wait for it all to be over with. BUT, I still have kids who DO get excited about Christmas, so I really try to do everything for them. It's hard because I hate decorating, I hate shopping, this year I'm SO NOT INTO BAKING. But dd11, especially, gets REALLY excited, and I owe it to her to give her a wonderful holiday, and I hope that she will reflect upon it her entire life.

 

So, yes, your situation sucks. But you still have your dh and your other ds and I think you should allow yourself to enjoy your time with them.

 

I thought you lived down south? You REALLY need to get a light box! Your husband can make one alone. I didn't believe in SAD myself but the dr. who examined me after my head injury assured me it was real, wanted to show me the studies, and strongly encouraged me to get a light box and said it DOES help. Please consider this! Dh could make you one, just get full spectrum bulbs. Heck, get one and put it in a lamp without a shade.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[BeckyFL]

I think vegans should be ready to share in the side dishes.

On the other subject, one thing that's important in a marriage is communication. Your husband told you how he was feeling rather than keeping it inside and letting it eat away at him and at the relationship. It's good that he spoke up. If he is feeling that way, it might be good to look at the situation to see how you can make things better.

We had the whole sharing of the children (with my oldest 2) every year with my ex-husband who always chose xmas to throw a fit about something. Lots of stress. BUT... some things you can't change. With those things, you have a choice to make that will affect you and all those who love you. How will YOU deal with it? Do you want you family to have memories of how special mom made Christmas even in difficult circumstances? Then make that happen. Take the cards you've been dealt and play them the best you can. Every day of our lives is a wonderful gift. It's up to us to chose how to live it.

[MicheleinMN]

Just sayin' from experience. When God was handing out the Festive Genes, he must have overlooked me so I've had to develop all kinds of survival skills down through the years.

 

Rum balls work well, too.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

I had to bold the part that is getting me through the holidays this year!

[Tree House Academy]

I say this gently and with love. Focus on the good. Your son IS home before and after Christmas. You can call or skype with him on ON Christmas. I am sitting here this morning willing myself to get up and bake cookies for Santa. I really want to scream and hit something because my son is gone and never coming back. But, I am not going to do that. I am going to do whatever it takes to make sure my other kids have a good Christmas. Please, please, please know that I understand depression - my husband has been dealing with this for over 20 years. I know it is not as simple as brushing it off and moving on. But it does take a bit of adjusting your thought process and that is a great place to start. Give your son a call or send him text. Chat with him for awhile and then do something that gives you joy. That is what I am going to do. Many hugs to you! I will be thinking about you today and wishing only good things.

 

For a dose of "reality" - this one got me. Kari, my prayers are with you this Christmas. You are right. Sharing my son sucks, hard...but he is not gone forever. Praise God that you reminded me of this.

 

I am very blessed in life. Sometimes seeing through the darkness of the chemical depression/OCD/anxiety mess can really cloud the blessings.

 

Thank you all so much for your posts, your hugs, and even your reality checks. I appreciate having a place to come and vent where no one is affected directly and gets upset with me. Thank you all and I hope you have a very Merry Christmas!

 

:grouphug:

[Tree House Academy]

And the rum balls will help too.....

 

LOL

[Tree House Academy]

I thought you lived down south? You REALLY need to get a light box

 

I do live down south and we have had two years of winters that are way rougher than normal. We are in the mtns and that makes things worse travel-wise.

 

The light box is a great idea. :) I take Lexapro too, but I am thinking of increasing the dose for the winter season...it just gets so.much.worse this time of year.

[Impish]

I'd totally have to get in on the rum balls if someone tried to serve me tofurkey :001_huh: for Christmas dinner. Uhh... no.

:iagree::iagree:

Although, for me, it would be a bottle of Bailey's. With a long straw. Why let anything interfere with the alcohol intake?

 

I figure with Bailey's, there are some options: a) you get drunk b) You go into sugar shock c) You throw up from all the sugar.

 

Any of the above gets you out of ANY and ALL risk of eating a tofurkey. And entertaining.

[woolybear]

gosh, I am so sorry. Reading that was enough to make my depression and anxiety kick in! I hope you will be able to find some enjoyment in the little moments. Make a yummy treat and don't worry about eating it since you won't be spending any calories on the Christmas dinner.

 

I'm sending :grouphug: your way. Actually reading this made me feel not so bad about what's going on here. It puts it in perspective. I've been fed up and pissy with both dc and dh. Lately I've felt pushed to the point of considering divorce. This really helps me to try to put a different mental spin on things. I sure don't want to share my kids at Christmas time. Or wait, maybe I do!:tongue_smilie: Can they be gone for the whole month of December?

 

Sorry, I don't mean to make light of your situation. That must be hard. Here's hoping you have the best holiday possible.:grouphug::grouphug:

[In the Rain]

:grouphug: I hope something will bring you joy this Christmas. It sounds rough for all of you.

[SonshineLearner]

And the rum balls will help too.....

 

LOL

 

I need to know what rum balls are and how to get or make them!!

:)

[JennifersLost]

Haven't had a chance to read the other respondents but I'm so sorry that you are dealing with so much sorrow around this holiday. Sharing your children with your ex is crappy even if it's the right thing to do.

 

If you are looking to get to know your husband better/improve your marriage I have a book recommendation: How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking About It. It's a fantastic book and might do more to get you the relationship you want with your dh than you think possible.

 

It sounds to me like a classic marriage dynamic is happening here:

 

What is most important to you is your connections:

 

- with your son (who is absent)

- with your friends (who are snowed in)

- with society in general (hard because of the snow)

- with your husband who you know loves you, but who triggers your anxiety with his words (re: your mood) and his actions (re: no presents)

 

 

What is most important to your husband is YOU. (Bear with me on this!)

 

Men want to FIX the problem. Men want their wives to be happy. It isn't fair that this is true, but when you are unhappy he registers is as a direct hit against his manhood. In other words, if he was good enough, you would be happy. He is hurting you with his words because he is beside himself (even if he doesn't look it) because he can't fix the problem and make you happy.

 

- he can't get your kid back, and it's doubly hard for him because it's your ex who has your kid.

 

- he can't change the weather and your mood is dependent on the weather. In other words, he's screwed.

 

- you don't like the behavior of his family. That means between you and his mom he's wrong no matter what he does.

 

 

What you need to do right now is tell him exactly what to do to help you. Don't be shy - spell it out. For example:

 

1. You might need to vent about missing your son without him trying to "fix" it. Tell him right out - "Please listen to me; I know you can't do anything - I just need to talk and cry. It helps if you hold me."

 

2. Tell him what will help you make dinner with the in-laws better. "Could you take me out for a burger afterwards? I know your mom loves/needs this kind of food - I just need something different. I would be more comfortable at dinner if I knew I was getting a hamburger later."

 

3. After the holidays are over, revisit the gift-giving idea. Don't even get too into it - just say, "I changed my mind. I want to give you something at Christmas. Are you okay with that?"

 

 

Your husband will be soooooo grateful to learn what he can do to help. That's all he wants to do - fix it for you. If you let him help, even in small ways, you are giving a blessing to both of you.

 

Hope things go better than you expect over the next few days!

[joannqn]

I've been there...seasonal depression, hating Christmas, hating birthdays. It's hard, but you can work on finding a way to make it better for you. It was only last year that I finally started enjoying the holidays.

 

The seasonal depression comes from where I live. I can't change that, but I've managed to find things to keep my mind off of it enough to not get as depressed as I have in previous years. For me, the key is to find something I like to do in that weather or in spite of the weather.

 

I took care of the holidays by avoiding my extended family and making my own traditions that make me happy.

 

It's a really difficult thing to do; it takes a lot of effort to figure out what would really make things better for you and courage to make the changes. It's hard to give to yourself like that, but you have to. See it as a gift to your family.

 

I don't have to deal with shared custody. I think I'd try to find nontraditional special times to share with him.

 

I hope you can find some joy and happiness this year, and begin working on planning for next year.

[ConnieB]

Christmas is a date on a calendar. Most scholars agree that it's there is no chance that December 25 was even close to the date Jesus was born.

 

So....when your son gets back pick a date.....whatever date you want....and DO Christmas that day. All of it. The decorations, the stockings, the Santa, the gifts, the buttery, cheesy, meaty food. THAT can be your Christmas. Invite your Mom.

 

Not having your son home is very sad, but can't your adjust your schooling schedule so that you have a week every few months where it's "no school, let's have fun" time? If that means doing 1 extra hour of school each day would the kids really notice? Then spend that week doing all kinds of fun things, so that you get to be the fun parent too.

 

It's an attitude. So since you can't get the right one for December 25, then see if you can summon the holiday attitude and do it so that everyone enjoys.

 

And hey...a big bonus....starting Sunday holiday decor and specialty items will be on sale!

[kalphs]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[jenn&charles]

:grouphug:

[woolybear]

Christmas is a date on a calendar. Most scholars agree that it's there is no chance that December 25 was even close to the date Jesus was born.

 

So....when your son gets back pick a date.....whatever date you want....and DO Christmas that day. All of it. The decorations, the stockings, the Santa, the gifts, the buttery, cheesy, meaty food. THAT can be your Christmas. Invite your Mom.

 

Not having your son home is very sad, but can't your adjust your schooling schedule so that you have a week every few months where it's "no school, let's have fun" time? If that means doing 1 extra hour of school each day would the kids really notice? Then spend that week doing all kinds of fun things, so that you get to be the fun parent too.

 

It's an attitude. So since you can't get the right one for December 25, then see if you can summon the holiday attitude and do it so that everyone enjoys.

 

And hey...a big bonus....starting Sunday holiday decor and specialty items will be on sale!

 

 

I love this. Lots of good advice for many here. I'm going to keep this in mind myself, both the idea of adding a fun week every few months and celebrating Christmas on another day. I think we need a redo this year. I just might give it a go.:)

[woolybear]

Also wanted to add...sorry about my previous post (earlier in the day). I'm not sure if it sounded snarky, just unkind, or too stuck on my own stuff when I should've been sounding more sympathetic or at least kind. I'm sorry again.:001_smile:

[phathui5]

When I was vegan for six years, I never made other people participate in my food choices. So at holiday meals, I'd make the Tofurky and someone else would make the turkey. I'd make some mashed potatoes with soymilk, and my mom would whip up some with milk and butter...

[2cents]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[ereks mom]

:grouphug:

[Lovedtodeath]

Wow Rebecca. :( I have been there. It is true that there are so many things that you can do to improve your situation, but also true that we usually can't do it alone. I had to have therapy. Only 3 sessions (it was energy work too) but it really changed me. My husband is a big help in some ways. It sounds like we need to get yours some "training". :grouphug:

 

Is it okay if I pray for you?

Edited December 25, 2010 by Lovedtodeath

[Lovedtodeath]

 

The seasonal depression comes from where I live. I can't change that, but I've managed to find things to keep my mind off of it enough to not get as depressed as I have in previous years.

Aren't there things for that? Tanning beds, spectrum lights, time outside, Vitamin D. That is what I am trying anyway... I would think we aren't just doomed because of our location.