Video games: Disagreement on parenting them

[lisamarie]

I'm curious if anyone else is in the situation where one spouse is anti video/computer games and the other spouse is all for them and sees no issue in letting the kids play for hours on end if they want (since that is all the parent does themselves). How do you parent around such a conflict of opinion? When one parent says one thing and the other says the opposite? Where the opposing parent has stated their opinion quite forcefully only to have the other spouse let the kids play whenever you aren't looking/out of the house/etc.

[Renee in NC]

Well, we compromised. Dc can only play video games on non-school nights.

 

As for the other (where one forcefully stated their opinion and the other sneaks around allowing it instead of trying to come up with a solution together) - I think this is a marriage problem and should be dealt with as one.

 

It isn't the video game playing that would get me, but rather the deceit/disrespect my spouse was showing towards me.

[Catwoman]

Where the opposing parent has stated their opinion quite forcefully only to have the other spouse let the kids play whenever you aren't looking/out of the house/etc.

 

See, that's the part I have a problem with. That is sneaky. I don't like sneaky.

 

I think you need to reach a compromise and that both of you need to abide by it. No secretly letting the kids play when the opposing parent is out at the store. You need to present a united front and not demonstrate to the kids that it's ok to do something bad if you don't get caught. It's not a cute little secret between one parent and the kids; it's a betrayal of trust.

 

Agree to allow certain games for certain amounts of time. Both parents compromise, and the kids abide by the new rules.

 

But no more sneaking. That's just wrong.

 

Cat

[Rosie_0801]

If the pro-video game parent doesn't want to change their opinion, there's not a whole lot you can do. If they are open to being convinced you are right, try the library for books. My dh read parts of a few books ("Honey We've Lost the Kids" was one we had around, I don't remember if that was one of the good ones,) and came closer to my way of thinking. Our kids are too young for this to be an issue yet, but it is important to me that our differences in opinion are only "roll your eyes and grumble a bit" level parenting difference rather than "I think you are being an irresponsible so and so and I don't care if you think I'm being an over controlling harpy" level difference. If ya know what I mean ;)

 

Apparently plenty of guys play video games for dopamine hits because they are dopamine deficient. In theory their desire to play diminishes if the deficiency is corrected by diet, exercise and sleep habits. You can't make a person exercise or sleep when you think they should, but most people don't turn down a breakfast if it looks better than what they would have made themselves. I don't know much about this, it's a new idea I've only tripped over recently, but it seems to be something worth chewing over. Funnily enough, low serotonin levels are common in women and make us nitpicky. (Not that I'd know anything about that, *cough, cough*)

 

Rosie

[Parrothead]

I agree with the others. This is a marriage issue more than a parenting one.

 

I can't answer your questions specifically about video games though. I'm the one who ditched school on Tuesday morning so dd and I could play video games every day for the rest of the week.

[5wolfcubs]

Where the opposing parent has stated their opinion quite forcefully only to have the other spouse let the kids play whenever you aren't looking/out of the house/etc.

 

Personally, I'd compromise on the "out of the house" part but not the "whenever you aren't looking" part.

 

I'll use a hypothetical example. No pillow fights when Mom is home. Dad may be home, but no pillow fights. However, if Mom is gone and Dad is parenting alone: PILLOW FIGHT!

 

I've been trying to think of a real life example. The only thing I can think of is eating meat. We've stopped at home. I don't buy it anymore (dh is 100% behind this). But if we go to a restaurant or someone's house, those who like meat may have some!

 

Hope you can find a win-win quickly for your family! :grouphug:

[NanceXToo]

Personally, I'd compromise on the "out of the house" part but not the "whenever you aren't looking" part.

 

I'll use a hypothetical example. No pillow fights when Mom is home. Dad may be home, but no pillow fights. However, if Mom is gone and Dad is parenting alone: PILLOW FIGHT!

 

I've been trying to think of a real life example. The only thing I can think of is eating meat. We've stopped at home. I don't buy it anymore (dh is 100% behind this). But if we go to a restaurant or someone's house, those who like meat may have some!

 

Hope you can find a win-win quickly for your family! :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[Sunshine State Sue]

We are in that situation. It's an issue that I don't think will ever be resolved here. We were able to compromise a bit in the younger years with setting time limits. But, the anti spouse is the only one who will regularly enforce it.

 

With the onset of puberty, the video game obsession has hit an all-time high. :banghead:

 

I know I'm no help, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone.

[MomOfOneFunOne]

I think this is where we are. I do not want video games in our home/family. My husband used to be on board. Then he and my daughter played with some friends and he defected. :glare: We made this deal: my daughter purges, quite severely, her possessions and we get an xbox and Kinect. The rules for use are pretty simple: only games we can all play and only instead of one of our movie nights (Saturday and Sunday and some Fridays).

 

We'll see how it goes.

[lisamarie]

My plan is to talk to DH tomorrow about this after I've had more time to think and pray about how to approach it. And it is more than just a parenting issue. Gaming is a huge source of tension in my marriage period and this is just escalating it.

 

My biggest issue with my kids playing is that now that DS has been exposed to "real" games (not just PBS Kids, Peep, etc), it's all he wants to do. He's only been playing for 6 weeks and suddenly he has forgotten how to entertain himself in any other way but gaming. He asks constantly to play. It went from a non-issue to an obsession in a little over a month. My DH is addicted to gaming himself, so it's hard convincing him that excessive gaming is ruining my DS. But then, yesterday when I got mad at DH for being on the computer all morning and he got off and just sat there waiting for me to tell him what to do, I asked him if he truly had no clue what to do with his time if it didn't involve playing his game. I really don't think he does anymore. And I see that and do not want to go down that road with my DS.

[QueenCat]

Compromise. Both parenting and marriage involve both.

[justamouse]

If I had my druthers I wouldn't have them--or severely limit them.

 

BUTBUT that's also my personality. I am on the computer, yes, but I never watch TV and if I DO, I'll knit while I watch. So my husband balances me in that-where he watches TV a LOT. Football (US). He reads critically all day long so I totally get that he needs something mindless when he gets home and as the opportunity arises on the weekend. So we compromise. But I see no problem with my kids-they're very balanced about their TV time. Yes, there are days that they sack out, but there are more days that they're doing something constructive.

[justamouse]

But then, yesterday when I got mad at DH for being on the computer all morning and he got off and just sat there waiting for me to tell him what to do, I asked him if he truly had no clue what to do with his time if it didn't involve playing his game. I really don't think he does anymore. And I see that and do not want to go down that road with my DS.

 

You know, I'm the type of person that if I'm working, I want people busy around me, "We're working now, people!":D. It really took me a while to learn how to let my adult husband choose how to spend his free time. I am not his parent, I'm not going to tell him how to spend his down time. UNLESS he's supposed to be spending it with *me* :D. He's a great father, loves spending time with the kids, plays with them for hours, eats as many meals with them as he can, --they are his priority, as am I, so I can't nag at him for being on the computer for hours.

 

I'm not saying that is the case with you, I'm just putting that out there as that's how it was with us.

[Parrothead]

My plan is to talk to DH tomorrow about this after I've had more time to think and pray about how to approach it. And it is more than just a parenting issue. Gaming is a huge source of tension in my marriage period and this is just escalating it.

 

My biggest issue with my kids playing is that now that DS has been exposed to "real" games (not just PBS Kids, Peep, etc), it's all he wants to do. He's only been playing for 6 weeks and suddenly he has forgotten how to entertain himself in any other way but gaming. He asks constantly to play. It went from a non-issue to an obsession in a little over a month. My DH is addicted to gaming himself, so it's hard convincing him that excessive gaming is ruining my DS. But then, yesterday when I got mad at DH for being on the computer all morning and he got off and just sat there waiting for me to tell him what to do, I asked him if he truly had no clue what to do with his time if it didn't involve playing his game. I really don't think he does anymore. And I see that and do not want to go down that road with my DS.

Hon, I'm asking this as kindly as possible. Did you not know you dh was a gamer when you married him?

 

And what did you expect your dh to do when he got off the computer? Did you have chores or something planned? Would you rather he get off the computer and watch TV?

 

Not everyone finds pleasure in playing board games, gardening, taking a walk, playing ball with the kids. Not everyone finds pleasure in intellectual pursuits. One cannot make another find pleasure in something that the other has no interest in.

 

Does your dh go to work every day, take care of his responsibilities (chores) at home, interact with you and the children on some level when he has a bit of free time? If you answered yes to that, you have to realize you've got it better than a large percentage of married women all over the world.

 

Sit with your dh and talk to him without accusing him of ruining the children. But if video games are the way your dh and your son bond then you should consider some kind of compromise instead of all or nothing. What you have going on now, is a them against you situation and you'll loose.

[asta]

Sit with your dh and talk to him without accusing him of ruining the children. But if video games are the way your dh and your son bond then you should consider some kind of compromise instead of all or nothing. What you have going on now, is a them against you situation and you'll lose.

 

My husband used video games to improve DSs hand eye coordination (that was poor to non-existent), to teach him tactics, and, frankly, to have intense testosterone time. DS has nothing but estrogen time all day long. A boy needs to be away from his mother, doing something mom isn't doing.

 

At least that's what DH and I think.

 

Besides, it gives me time to be away from the two of them! :lol:

 

 

a

[LidiyaDawn]

Hon, I'm asking this as kindly as possible. Did you not know you dh was a gamer when you married him?

 

And what did you expect your dh to do when he got off the computer? Did you have chores or something planned? Would you rather he get off the computer and watch TV?

 

Not everyone finds pleasure in playing board games, gardening, taking a walk, playing ball with the kids. Not everyone finds pleasure in intellectual pursuits. One cannot make another find pleasure in something that the other has no interest in.

 

Does your dh go to work every day, take care of his responsibilities (chores) at home, interact with you and the children on some level when he has a bit of free time? If you answered yes to that, you have to realize you've got it better than a large percentage of married women all over the world.

 

Sit with your dh and talk to him without accusing him of ruining the children. But if video games are the way your dh and your son bond then you should consider some kind of compromise instead of all or nothing. What you have going on now, is a them against you situation and you'll loose.

 

GREAT post. :iagree:

 

(I'm married to a gamer myself)

[Peela]

We have separate rules for the kids to the dh. He agreed to them, and he does his thing in a separate room, not the main living area where the kids have their computers and TV. SO...we dealt with it by having a big house where dh could remove himself.

It IS a marriage issue and I suggest not nagging, but asking for some respect and some boundaries for your kids- but not necessarily for him UNLESS it is really interfering in your lives together. Maybe deal with them as separate issues.

I have heard, though, of families gaming together and it can be a valid family bonding experience.

Probably being too black and white about it and negative about it will jsut get the family polarised against you. Be willing to compromise - probably a lot- but hold out for some boundaries for your kids, as a regular thing, and for his support.

[Joyofsixreboot]

DH and I disagree on many parenting issues. It's not a marriage issue because we talk about them and reach a compromise we can both live with. In our house we have decided that up until age 12 games are limited to an hour/day. After 12 there is much more leeway but mom can still say 'get off that thing' if she thinks she should. No video games before 4pm. It's not about differences but about how you handle them. There have also been compromises on church, R rated movies and going out. Hopefully we're reaching a happy medium.

[NanceXToo]

Hon, I'm asking this as kindly as possible. Did you not know you dh was a gamer when you married him?

 

And what did you expect your dh to do when he got off the computer? Did you have chores or something planned? Would you rather he get off the computer and watch TV?

 

Not everyone finds pleasure in playing board games, gardening, taking a walk, playing ball with the kids. Not everyone finds pleasure in intellectual pursuits. One cannot make another find pleasure in something that the other has no interest in.

 

Does your dh go to work every day, take care of his responsibilities (chores) at home, interact with you and the children on some level when he has a bit of free time? If you answered yes to that, you have to realize you've got it better than a large percentage of married women all over the world.

 

Sit with your dh and talk to him without accusing him of ruining the children. But if video games are the way your dh and your son bond then you should consider some kind of compromise instead of all or nothing. What you have going on now, is a them against you situation and you'll loose.

 

This IS a great post.

 

Sometimes I spend large amounts of time at my computer. Sometimes I get lost in a book for hours. Sometimes I watch TV for hours. Sometimes *I* like to play video games. All of these things are just a way of relaxing, occupying your time, having fun.

 

Do you feel like your husband isn't spending enough time with YOU or something? Or is it really about the gaming itself? Would it not bother you if he spent hours all day down in a basement doing woodworking? If he sat in front of the TV? If he went out all the time? Did something else that meant he wasn't necessarily tuning into you?

 

If it's more a matter of that, maybe you two need to start planning date nights. See if you can come up with a hobby or a new activity that you can start doing sometimes together.

 

But the video games... I think you need to compromise. If he's not playing games that are objectionable because of content (too violent or something), and that's how he and his dad bond, try not to worry about it so much, especially if you can compromise a bit on the when/for how long aspect of things.

 

If you're not home though- stay out of it. Would you want your husband telling you what you can and can't do with the kids while he goes out and you're home with them? Of course not- that'd probably cause you to be highly offended and irritated. When you're home with the kids, you make the parenting choices. When he's home, he does. If it's something EXTREMELY objectionable then of course you have to talk it out and come to an agreement on where you both draw the line on certain things.. but if it's just that he's a bit more lax about screen time than you...well, you can't always have it just your way, he's a parent, too. Sometimes it's hard relinquishing that control. But sometimes you have to.

[katilac]

I think that it's very unrealistic, and a bit unfair, to state that one parent's intense hobby is completely off-limits to the kids. If one parent is a football fanatic and watches every game, I wouldn't try to enforce a "no tv" rule for the kids, y'know? And if one parent is a hard-core gamer, then it's natural that he or she is going to want to share that with the kids. You and dh need to reach a compromise.

 

He's getting slammed for being sneaky and deceitful, but what the OP actually says is that "the opposing parent has stated their opinion quite forcefully," which to me implies I don't want him to do it and he does it anyway, rather than We discussed it at length and reached a mutually agreeable compromise, which he then broke. Dads are just as much parents as moms; I don't think it's cool for either parent to disapprove of something and simply declare it off-limits.

 

Before discussing it again, I would clarify exactly what bothers you about gaming, what is most important to you, and what is practical. Then ask him to do the same. You need to be reasonable enough to know that a flat "no gaming" rule is impractical with a gamer husband, and he needs to be reasonable enough not to insist on uber violent games with young kids (just an example).

 

Sometimes we have this vision of the ideal family life in our heads, and it interferes with what could be a perfectly good reality! We read posts about kids who disdain all electronics, begging for one more page of Shakespeare instead, and we are struck through with envy. But this board is full of families who watch tv AND read Shakespeare, who play video games AND build forts in the yard. Compromise IS possible!

[NanceXToo]

He's getting slammed for being sneaky and deceitful, but what the OP actually says is that "the opposing parent has stated their opinion quite forcefully," which to me implies I don't want him to do it and he does it anyway, rather than We discussed it at length and reached a mutually agreeable compromise, which he then broke. Dads are just as much parents as moms; I don't think it's cool for either parent to disapprove of something and simply declare it off-limits.

 

Yes, I was thinking something similar when I read the "he's so sneaky!" type comments. Him letting the kids play games when mom isn't home is no more "sneaky" than mom refusing to let the kids play games when dad isn't home. Him turning it on when Mom is otherwise occupied is no more "deceitful" than her turning it off when Dad is otherwise occupied. On a matter like this, I don't think one can fairly or realistically totally veto the other; all they can (and should) do is work out some sort of compromise.

[JudoMom]

Hon, I'm asking this as kindly as possible. Did you not know you dh was a gamer when you married him?

 

And what did you expect your dh to do when he got off the computer? Did you have chores or something planned? Would you rather he get off the computer and watch TV?

 

Not everyone finds pleasure in playing board games, gardening, taking a walk, playing ball with the kids. Not everyone finds pleasure in intellectual pursuits. One cannot make another find pleasure in something that the other has no interest in.

 

Does your dh go to work every day, take care of his responsibilities (chores) at home, interact with you and the children on some level when he has a bit of free time? If you answered yes to that, you have to realize you've got it better than a large percentage of married women all over the world.

 

Sit with your dh and talk to him without accusing him of ruining the children. But if video games are the way your dh and your son bond then you should consider some kind of compromise instead of all or nothing. What you have going on now, is a them against you situation and you'll loose.

 

This IS a great post.

 

Sometimes I spend large amounts of time at my computer. Sometimes I get lost in a book for hours. Sometimes I watch TV for hours. Sometimes *I* like to play video games. All of these things are just a way of relaxing, occupying your time, having fun.

 

Do you feel like your husband isn't spending enough time with YOU or something? Or is it really about the gaming itself? Would it not bother you if he spent hours all day down in a basement doing woodworking? If he sat in front of the TV? If he went out all the time? Did something else that meant he wasn't necessarily tuning into you?

 

If it's more a matter of that, maybe you two need to start planning date nights. See if you can come up with a hobby or a new activity that you can start doing sometimes together.

 

But the video games... I think you need to compromise. If he's not playing games that are objectionable because of content (too violent or something), and that's how he and his dad bond, try not to worry about it so much, especially if you can compromise a bit on the when/for how long aspect of things.

 

If you're not home though- stay out of it. Would you want your husband telling you what you can and can't do with the kids while he goes out and you're home with them? Of course not- that'd probably cause you to be highly offended and irritated. When you're home with the kids, you make the parenting choices. When he's home, he does. If it's something EXTREMELY objectionable then of course you have to talk it out and come to an agreement on where you both draw the line on certain things.. but if it's just that he's a bit more lax about screen time than you...well, you can't always have it just your way, he's a parent, too. Sometimes it's hard relinquishing that control. But sometimes you have to.

 

:iagree:

[snickelfritz]

I would love to be a no tv, no video game house. It's not gonna happen. I feel strongly, but so does dh. So, we compromise.

 

But, I CAN affect limitations. Tv and video games aren't allowed until school, chores, and violin is done. We're poky, so that covers days. We have activities most afternoons/evenings, so that limits it even more. Since I've compromised (and we are both respectful) dh doesn't squawk when I outlaw a show that he would be fine with.

 

If the kids haven't been hooked to electronics all day, I don't care if they sit down with dh in the evening/weekend for some.

 

We are never going to be a "Sit and play boardgames while daddy reads out loud from Dickens" family. That's ok. He coaches their soccer, teaches them about football, takes them hunting, and takes them to sporting events. And he's a great dad, despite his tv watching. :)

Edited December 20, 2010 by snickelfritz