Teenage Social Dilemma: Our House Only?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I got some great advice here lately on having a no-computer teen visit. It was today, actually, and all the kids had a blast. They played nerf dart tag outside. When it started to rain, they came in and started to look for computers but were successfully diverted to legos. They took a break out to help me unload groceries and fix their own snacks. Now, they are still having a great time with the legos.

 

So here's my new dilemma/question. I would like to keep the get togethers to our house only. I realize that sounds a bit rude but I can't control what goes on in someone else's house. I know that these other boys have much more freedom, which probably works just fine for them. But my son cannot handle that much freedom yet. He has a computer addiction (really - this isn't just a euphemism for saying he likes to play on the computer). How can I or my son negotiate things if the other boys invite him over to their house?

 

In the past, with other kids, we had tried the "please don't do computer" request for their houses but it didn't work at all because they weren't used to doing other things at their house and my son was all too willing to bow to peer pressure when he was away from home. (And yes, I realize that he's going to learn how to negotiate peer pressure etc. on his own but for right now he's in the early stages of being weaned from the computer and can't handle that lesson.) This is matter of capacity, not a matter of control.

[Stacy in NJ]

I would probably just explain briefly to the moms of the other kids that your ds currently has some restrictions related to computers. You would normally love for him to be able to visit their homes, but because of his computer restrictions, you'll have to also restrict his social visits to your home only. Let them know it has nothing to do with them, their kid, their home, that it relates to your ds and his current restriction. And, then invite them other a lot.

 

If you feel your ds is ready for it, let him explain it to his friends himself. Give him the vocabulary to explain it so it seems like "no big deal" but yet he and his friends are clear with his rules.

 

something like..."Yeah, I can't come to your house because I'm restricted from computers and my mom thinks I'm having a hard time just saying no to computers. I'd really like to come and my mom thinks I'll be able to start hanging out again in a few weeks. Can you come to my house instead?"

 

I have a 13 yo ds and if he had a friend in this situation, I'd have no problem with letting ds visit frequently with a friend that need hang out time at his home instead of ours. I'd also probably try to accomodate the no screen time at our house, but I understand that that's a hard to request of other parents.

[Jean in Newcastle]

But see - here's the problem. It isn't a computer restriction for just a couple of weeks. We're way past that addiction wise. It is at least 6 months at this point and even then we'll have to see. Something about the computer games do something chemically to ds' brain and he goes into rages even while he's got this uncontrollable urge to keep going on the computer. I'm hoping that it might get better as his brain develops but of course I can't look at a time-line to tell me when that might be. This is something that we've discussed with ds as well as shared a book on the subject with him, but it isn't something he wants explained to all his friends or even their parents. And frankly, probably most of them wouldn't really understand.

[gaillardia]

This is a hard one when you think maybe others have the same values you do and that their kids may have some restrictions on family computers, or won't look at certain types of things on the computer, they don't. :confused:

 

Personally I don't understand how hanging out at someone's house and two or three people hanging around a computer is considered fun, or is considered doing stuff together, etc. It seems like an isolating activity to me.

Yeah, just keep having "teen-no-computer-activities" at your house. It may catch on.:001_smile:

I would explain to the other parents or have your son speak for himself; but letting him go to others' homes when he has issues and it is considered the norm of what kids/teens do when together is not going to help his problem.

A couple of my kids' friends have suggested getting on our computer when they have come over, I allowed it a couple of times, but in my observation, it is just not a good way for kids to spend time together. I no longer allow it.

***********

I'm sorry Jean. I didn't realize the seriousness and how long he's been computer-dry. Does he have other activities, sports, tae-kwon-do?

Edited December 19, 2010 by gingerh
additional info

[Mrs Mungo]

Honestly, I would talk to the other parents. Our kids are allowed to watch Harry Potter and such, but I know which kids aren't allowed that stuff and I make sure that's not what they do when those kids are over. All of my computers are password protected, my kids don't have free-use of the computer. So, if you asked me to keep the kids off the computer, I would. I realize not all families work the same way, but you may be able to find other families with the same level of control-freakedness?

 

eta: If you talked to me about it, I would assume you were concerned about inappropriate material. So, I don't know that you'd have to go into deep detail about why you don't want him on the computer.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Problem is, these kids don't seem to have parents! I mean, they do of course, but I've never seen or met the parents. The one boy who was over today, came over and stayed 6 hours without his parents having met us. He told me 3 times about what a nice family we had. I don't know the background behind why he kept telling me that, but it was obvious that it was more than just a passing compliment.

 

Ds himself is fine when he's computer dry (I really like that term, Ginger!) He loves to do lots of things. These boys that he's starting to invite over now are all from taekwando. I'm totally new to this teen friendship thing because the neighborhood boys who he had as friends for his pre teen years have all moved in the last couple years so he had a socially blank time between tween relationships and teen relationships.

[Jamee]

Is your son fully aware of what the computer does to him and how he reacts? Does he understand the "no computer" rules? I would think he is old enough to police himself and not hang-out with the boys if that's all they want to do. I know when my son went to a friend's house that was all the friend wanted to do, play computers. DS didn't, so he'd mention something else to do and then leave if that wasn't good enough.

 

Otherwise, I too would probably just talk to the parents. Wishing you the best.

[Mrs Mungo]

Problem is, these kids don't seem to have parents! I mean, they do of course, but I've never seen or met the parents. The one boy who was over today, came over and stayed 6 hours without his parents having met us. He told me 3 times about what a nice family we had. I don't know the background behind why he kept telling me that, but it was obvious that it was more than just a passing compliment.

 

 

We know some kids like that too. There is a "homeschooled" boy (he does K12 online, his parents both work, he's home alone all day) who hangs out at the park by my house. We give him water, he's used the bathroom at our house, we've sheltered him when he got locked out and it was raining, we've fed him dinner when his parents were late and he was locked out. And I've *never* met his mom or even talked to her on the phone. I would obviously not let my kids do the same. I think that's crazy.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Is your son fully aware of what the computer does to him and how he reacts? Does he understand the "no computer" rules? I would think he is old enough to police himself and not hang-out with the boys if that's all they want to do. I know when my son went to a friend's house that was all the friend wanted to do, play computers. DS didn't, so he'd mention something else to do and then leave if that wasn't good enough.

 

Otherwise, I too would probably just talk to the parents. Wishing you the best.

 

He is aware of what the computer does to him. He understands and accepts the no computer rules. He will tell you himself that he does not have the capacity/self control right now to police himself. It's not a matter of age - it's a matter of addiction. Not every alcoholic has the capacity to say no to a drink at first.

[Peela]

Whew, I completely understand your dilemma. I am not sure we have computer addiction here (except for me) but when ds was using online games it became very addictive and we had to have him go cold turkey.

What about at your place AND "other activities". I dont know your area or situation...but my kids have many friends that they meet at various places- such as gymnastics, the shops, the city, the markets. They are of an age and maturity I am ok with them with that sort of freedom, though. Yesterday ds15 met up with his friends at gymnastics, then they went to the local "mall" as you guys call them, to do some Christmas shopping together, then they walked 3kms back home here, then they got a lift with my dd16's boyfriend (responsible 19yo driver) to a place on the river near here where they can jump off a cliff fairly safely. (Its summer). Then they all came back here and parents came and got them- no electornics all day. These things may be way out of your comfort zone, and my kids are older....but just trying to brainstorm other things for your son and his friends to do that don't involve being at anyone's house- so, more neutral territory?

 

I did surrender my son to some neighbours- he does spend a lot of time on computers there. However, they are also his "street friends' and they do also get kicked out of the house and play imaginative games on the street- the 2 boys adore my son and are both younger than him. I love that he can still play hide and seek and such at his age, and the neighbour's mother loves him dearly. I personally wouldnt ask her not to let him play computers at her place...because it feels like an intrusion on their family dynamics - but she does send them outside too so there is some balance.

 

I think it is time for a "movement" of mothers and parents making a stand on this issue, personally. What tends to happen is that our kids tell us that "all their friends" play this or that game or spend hours on the computer...and no matter how strong we are it is difficult when we want out kids to have peers they can relate to. Our kids dont tend to come home and say "Jamie isnt allowed to play computers this week because he was rude to his mum". Who wants to give their parents ideas? :lol: At least, thats how I see it working...we tend to succumb to our KIDS' peer pressure and dont make a stand. Good on you for making one. We have had our own battles around all these issues.

[Jan in SC]

I would try to keep visits at your house for a while. It sounds like that friend really enjoyed himself!

 

After you get to know the parents, then you can explain in more detail. I agree with Mrs. Mungo that most people will assume you are worried about inappropriate content and you don't want people to assume that of your son.

[Starr]

I love Peela's ideas; have them jump off cliffs into the river! It reminds me that the snow will go away. :lol: I want to be your neighbor.

[Vanna]

He is aware of what the computer does to him. He understands and accepts the no computer rules. He will tell you himself that he does not have the capacity/self control right now to police himself. It's not a matter of age - it's a matter of addiction. Not every alcoholic has the capacity to say no to a drink at first.

Jean, I'm so glad you started this thread. We have always had a "no computer w/friends" policy -- you can't use theirs, they can't use ours. My kids are allowed to play video games at friends' homes (although I don't *love* the idea -- it's merely a concession since we don't have them in my home and hope to keep it that way). I am close friends with almost all the parents of my children's buddies, with the exception of our neighbor (whose parents work a lot and their visits over there are less than 5x/yr -- we try to encourage the play to happen at our house or outside when they get together).

 

I'm thinking your situation could be a concern as my oldest gets older.

 

Enough about me... I would say at this point (based on what you have posted so far about your situation and the factors), try to keep the playdates at your house as long as possible. As for the friend who stayed 6 hrs :001_huh: -- I usually limit visits to 4hrs at the most. When I notice 3 hrs have passed and this child that's not mine is still in my house, I let everyone know that in 20min or 30min. we will be having a meal, having "family time" or going out and "friend" will have to go home. That way the "send off" isn't too abrupt.

[justasque]

Problem is, these kids don't seem to have parents!

 

We have some kids like that around here. Personally, I see it as an advantage - they play at my house all the time, they know there are cool things to do here and that we don't watch TV etc (and who would want to with all the cool things you can do here), and they know it's my house so they have to follow my rules. Win-win all around.

 

Sometimes a kid's mom will worry that their kid is a burden, and I explain that it's actually way easier for me to have them over as then I don't have to entertain my dc myself and so can get a load of laundry done etc.; they see I really mean it and all is well.

[Jean in Newcastle]

As for the friend who stayed 6 hrs :001_huh: -- I usually limit visits to 4hrs at the most. When I notice 3 hrs have passed and this child that's not mine is still in my house, I let everyone know that in 20min or 30min. we will be having a meal, having "family time" or going out and "friend" will have to go home. That way the "send off" isn't too abrupt.

 

I was blindsided a bit by the 6 hour thing. The mom and dad called their son and told him that he could stay until 7 pm. I was informed of this after he hung up! I didn't mind, though. I just told him that we were going to be eating dinner before then, that he could eat with us if he wanted to or he could just visit with us during dinner. He decided not to eat once he saw what I was serving but was very polite and just sat and talked with us at the dinner table. He told us that our house was very "cultural". I think he meant multi-cultural since we have a inter-racial marriage and our furnishings and menu were both a mix of cultural offerings. This was the first time we've had him over though and the first time I've said anything more than just hi to him so it's not like we all know each other well. I did just fold him into our family though and even had him do one chore:)

[Stacy in NJ]

It's okay to be a little vague about when the "restriction" will stop. People are creatures of habit, and when they get used to the idea that your ds just doesn't do computers they'll put him in that category. It may limit his invitations to a certain extent because other kids are able to handle limits and want to play with their peers occasionally, but that may actually help you in your goals.

 

 

But see - here's the problem. It isn't a computer restriction for just a couple of weeks. We're way past that addiction wise. It is at least 6 months at this point and even then we'll have to see. Something about the computer games do something chemically to ds' brain and he goes into rages even while he's got this uncontrollable urge to keep going on the computer. I'm hoping that it might get better as his brain develops but of course I can't look at a time-line to tell me when that might be. This is something that we've discussed with ds as well as shared a book on the subject with him, but it isn't something he wants explained to all his friends or even their parents. And frankly, probably most of them wouldn't really understand.

[Vanna]

I was blindsided a bit by the 6 hour thing.

Hee, hee!

 

The mom and dad called their son and told him that he could stay until 7 pm. I was informed of this after he hung up! I didn't mind, though. I just told him that we were going to be eating dinner before then, that he could eat with us if he wanted to or he could just visit with us during dinner. He decided not to eat once he saw what I was serving but was very polite and just sat and talked with us at the dinner table. He told us that our house was very "cultural". I think he meant multi-cultural since we have a inter-racial marriage and our furnishings and menu were both a mix of cultural offerings. This was the first time we've had him over though and the first time I've said anything more than just hi to him so it's not like we all know each other well. I did just fold him into our family though and even had him do one chore:)

That's great esp. since it was his first visit. I would have done the same thing. I was thinking more of a "repeat offender" who overstays his welcome on a regular basis.

[Tap]

I would treat it just like if he was an alcoholic and you know that his friends are allowed to drink at will......you just wouldn't even allow it! You would never even allow him to get close to that situation, and you wouldn't second guess yourself either.

 

I think you really need to think about it, at that level. You cannot expect him to make this decision for himself. You can't expect parents of teens to 'babysit' teens in their home. Some parents will stick up for you and defend your choice, but others will think you are wrong and let him play, possibly even hiding it from you themselves. I don't think you can even trust the parents at this point.

 

If the teens know about this restriction, they may try to find ways to make it possible for your son to get to a computer, and hide it from you as well. If they think your rule is 'dumb' or too restrictive, they purposefully entice your son into breaking the rules. Teens make strange decisions based on an illconcieved notion of justness in the world. :lol:

 

 

 

When I was in 7/8th grade (12-13yo), my BFFS parents let us drink wine coolers....often (!), even buying them for us in 2 liter sizes. My parents had ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE and would have flipped if they knew!!

 

When I was in high school, I had several friends in rehab. We used to sneak chocolate in to them because they weren't allowed to have it. We didn't really get the big picture and thought it was funny.

 

 

 

 

This is just too serious of an issue to let out of your immediate control right now. I wouldn't back down and I wouldn't let him out of your sight for now.

 

Sorry you are going through so much this year. I really hope 2011 is better for you!

[Tap]

. Double post

[Jean in Newcastle]

Tap, the more I think about this, the more I know deep in my heart that you are right.

 

A couple of years ago we did the ask another set of parents to keep it computer free. The mom thought I had control issues and let the boys do computer at her house behind my back. The way I discovered it was when my son came home from their house every single time with tantrums, rages and with being disrespectful. It was so out of character for him that I ended up making a surprise visit to their house. The mom was furious when she found out that I was not going to let my son visit there again. We tried to have their son at our place but he found it too "boring" without a computer to entertain him.

[Jean in Newcastle]

What about at your place AND "other activities". I dont know your area or situation...but my kids have many friends that they meet at various places- such as gymnastics, the shops, the city, the markets. They are of an age and maturity I am ok with them with that sort of freedom, though. Yesterday ds15 met up with his friends at gymnastics, then they went to the local "mall" as you guys call them, to do some Christmas shopping together, then they walked 3kms back home here, then they got a lift with my dd16's boyfriend (responsible 19yo driver) to a place on the river near here where they can jump off a cliff fairly safely. (Its summer). Then they all came back here and parents came and got them- no electornics all day. These things may be way out of your comfort zone, and my kids are older....but just trying to brainstorm other things for your son and his friends to do that don't involve being at anyone's house- so, more neutral territory?

 

 

I think it is time for a "movement" of mothers and parents making a stand on this issue, personally. What tends to happen is that our kids tell us that "all their friends" play this or that game or spend hours on the computer...and no matter how strong we are it is difficult when we want out kids to have peers they can relate to. Our kids dont tend to come home and say "Jamie isnt allowed to play computers this week because he was rude to his mum". Who wants to give their parents ideas? :lol: At least, thats how I see it working...we tend to succumb to our KIDS' peer pressure and dont make a stand. Good on you for making one. We have had our own battles around all these issues.

 

We don't have any cliffs here but having other activities sounds good. I'll have to think about that.

 

I like what you said about not succumbing to our kid's peer pressure too. Love the part about giving the parents ideas!:lol:

[dangermom]

If you can, you might think about investing in a foosball table, pool table, or air hockey, as well as cool outdoor activities.

[Jean in Newcastle]

If you can, you might think about investing in a foosball table, pool table, or air hockey, as well as cool outdoor activities.

 

Those are great ideas!

[Pippen]

So here's my new dilemma/question. I would like to keep the get togethers to our house only. I realize that sounds a bit rude but I can't control what goes on in someone else's house. I know that these other boys have much more freedom, which probably works just fine for them. But my son cannot handle that much freedom yet. He has a computer addiction (really - this isn't just a euphemism for saying he likes to play on the computer). How can I or my son negotiate things if the other boys invite him over to their house?

.

 

If your son didn't have this issue would you seriously be agreeable with this sort of arrangement at someone else's home, without knowing them and without an explanation?

 

I understand your situation but if I were a parent who didn't know you or your son and hadn't been to your home, I wouldn't agree to it for more than a few get togethers, especially without an expanation. If my 13 yo would possibly be spending fairly extensive hours at someone else's home, I would want to know the kid, and get to know the family a bit.

 

I would, however, be quite happy to hide the plugs for our computer when your son came over to play at our house. :)